So much has changed in the last three years!

 Three years ago, our world changed.  We were locked down. Kept in our houses.  Fear was so great that at any time, our family could be hit with this "mystery virus".  Ken and I were mostly at home anyway, since he was not doing well physically.  The long stint in the ICU in January/February  2020 had left us shaken.  And  knowing that his health was compromised, we were thinking that our lives would never look the same.  And that was most certianly true.  

During one of my recent times watching Grace and Jimmy, I captured this photo of Jimmy "cooking" his play food!

He is quite the kiddo!  His vocabulary, at 22 months, is unbelievable and matched only by his climbing abilities.  He can scale a table faster than anything.  But on this day, I was especially thinking about all that has changed in three years.  It will always be sad to remember that Ken never got to know his little "namesake" (James Kenneth Rowley).  Jimmy is so much like Doug and I know Ken would have appreciated seeing Doug trying to "wrangle" Jimmy into his booster chair. Jimmy is one determined kid and if he doesn't want to do it, there is no getting it done.  These kids who were born or lived during the pandemic, are a different breed.   It is as if God has gifted them an added dose of stamina and vitality to survive and thrive.  It will be amazing to watch just what they accomplish in the future.  As hard as it was on the adults to get through this world changing event, it was even harder on the kids.

At first three years ago,  I was mostly worried for the kids.  They all had jobs and families and I tried to imagine how difficult this situation would be for them.  Doug and Susie had a preschooler and were trying to work from home, while keeping a three year old busy.  Gwen and Tim had a slightly better situation because they were already homeschooling the kids.  Tim was able to work from home and didn't have a long commute.  Gwen's job was another story.  Church workers were faced with an almost impossible situation.  Would church have to stop?  What exactly was going to happen.  Nobody really knew.  

That first year, 2020,  Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter passed in a cold, sterile fashion.  Reality hit us all, realizing that we were seperated from our families at a time when we were so used to being together.  There were no new spring dresses.  No Easter Egg hunts, No family dinner.  In my heart I was already grieving these times, since I just had an inner "knowing" that Ken's time was short.  No one knew just how long this was going to last.  

After Ken had several very challenging hospital visits and doctor appointments that I was not allowed to attend, I had sort of reached my limit.  Thankfully, the kids recognized this and stepped in.  Finally, in early May, we "celebrated" Easter with the kids.  

Gwen and Tim had managed to sell their home and buy a new one, in the midst of this pandemic.  It was truely a God thing!  I can't tell you how grateful I was to see those grandkids again!  

And here we are, three years later.  Ken has been gone for two and half of those three years.  The kids have grown and changed and of course, we have added Jimmy to our family.  These have been years of adjustments for me.  No longer married, but widowed.  No longer we but me.  Family times together are now cherished in a way that feels different than three years ago.  I just took those times for granted.  But now, each time I am with the kids, I feel the thankfulness and joy of being together.  I love to have the kids sit by me or run up to give me hugs.  I even appreciate the dogs joyful greeting when I get to their house.  Sitting across the table from friends just sharing and laughing together, is the sweetest thing.  Gathering together with my church family has a new meaning, after a time of just watching on a screen.  Being with my adult children brings me such joy and peace.  My life is truly blessed.  

Recently someone asked me how long I plan on seeing my grandkids every week.  At first, I couldn't quite understand the question!  Being with my kids and grandkids is a privilege not a burden.  Caring for Grace and Jimmy one day a week and spending a day with Anna, Zeke, Ellie and Lia fills my heart and my spirit in ways nothing else would.  My answer to that question was - "A very long time hopefully!' Looking ahead three years, I am sure there will be many changes.  But it is with great hope, faith and trust that I walk out into the future.  

I am learning so much from my grandchildren.  Each time I see them, I am amazed at the people they are becoming.  They have a confidence that is unlike any past generation.  They believe that they can change the world for the better and I believe that they will.  Some may see this as the darkest time in the history of the United States.  But I am encouraged by the courage and boldness that I see in the youth today.  They see the problems around us, but they are also seeing ways that they can solve some of those issues.  I am so proud of the Christ followers they are!

It has been three long years since that first "lock-down" of the pandemic.  Yes, some things have been changed forever.  But Jesus is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  Having Jesus in my life has been the key to seeing me through the changes.  Jesus gives me the courage to face whatever is ahead.  And Jesus is the peace that passes understanding when there seemingly is no peace around us.  I was thinking this week about this line from the 23rd Psalm -

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

These three years have felt like a valley - far from the mountain top.  And the shadow of death seemed to loom around us.  We heard daily reports about the number of deaths from Covid-19.  Fear, discouragment and doubt were in every home.  The smiles and laughter were hidden from view by the masks we had to wear.  But, see the good news in that passage!  We are walking THROUGH the valley.  We did not have to stay there forever.  It was truly a season.  We have walked through it and now are on the other side.  There is no better news than that!  

Jesus, thank you so much for sending the Holy Spirit who is with us and in us!  Thank you for the peace that fills us in times of trouble.  Keep our eyes focused on you, as we continue to walk forward.  Give us courage and boldness as we face the future.  Thank you for hugs and smiles and time together. Amen

So far 2021 is not much different than 2020!

 Anyone who was hoping that 2021 would be a change from 2020, must be really disappointed.  Here we are a couple of weeks into the new year.  So far, not much is very different.  We are still in a pretty tight lock-down.  All of the resturaunts are closed for indoor dining.  Masks are required to go inside anywhere.  Stores have limited occupancy and you are counted as you go in and out.  Some of the kids are back in school but most are still doing distance learning.  It sure doesn't feel very "normal".  The only thing that has been sort of normal for me, is that I got to watch Ellie, Zeke and Anna last weekend when Gwen, Tim and Lia had a retreat for some student leaders.  The kids love coming to my house and having "sleepovers" and it was a really fun time.  

The kids had a fun time playing cards.  I played many, many games of war with them.  We watched a couple of movies and they got to go sledding on my "baby" hill.  It was especially fun to watch them play, since it brought back so many memories for me of Gwen and Doug doing the exact same thing.  Zeke decided that he was going to try to stand on the sled and "snowboard" down the hill.  After a few falls, he actually got quite good at it.  It was a much needed change of pace for me.  I'm not lying when I tell you I am pretty tired of the four walls inside my house.  I can not recall any other time when I have done so little for such a long time.  All of the kids made me promise that we could have sleepovers again in the near future.  I don't know who looks forward to these times more - the kids or me!

Grace and I stay connected through our video phone calls.  I love that she wants to talk to me and will share all about her day.  I had to include this photo.  Grace knows how to take a screen shot during our calls and takes MANY pictures and sends them to me.  On this day, Grace must have taken at least 10 shots and my eyes were closed in ALL of them!  Now that is real talent!  It doesn't totally take the place of being with her, but it is the best we can do for now.  We are all axiously awaiting the time when we can get the COVID vaccine.  I seems like it will be several weeks or even months before I am able to get mine.  We have about 20 weeks more until Baby Rowley makes his debut and the vaccine needs to happen before then for sure.  

For now, puzzles have been my escape.  I finally finished the one I have been working on for weeks.  It was a real doozy.  It might look easy, but it was one of those puzzles that had pieces that were so close and could be misplaced.  I ended up having to take out about 20 pieces to find the ones that had been put in the wrong place.  So thankful that I was able to finally finish it.  I confess, there were several times I almost just gave up when I had about 40 pieces left.  Glad I perservered.  

Part of my new years plan was to go back to my actual Bible for my daily reading.  I have been using my Bible app on my cell phone almost always.  Until I actually took out my Bible and started using it, I did not know how much I had missed it.  

I think this is the 4th Bible of this type that I have owned.  The date in the front says that I started using it on August 11, 2004.  You can see it is well worn.  I love all of the notes that I have written on the pages.  The first day I took it out I actually spent several hours just looking at all of my notes!  In my reading today I came across these verses...

This is from Isaiah 41 and what I saw was that note I wrote....He holds my hand!  And there it was, verse 13,,,

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 

Do not fear, I will help you.

I really needed those words!  This has been a troubling and unsettled time in our nation.  I can't think of a time that I more needed these words of assurance that God is my helper.  And that I don't need to fear.  What a great way begin a new year.  Going back to an old pattern.  Reading the Bible from an actual book that I hold in my hands.  And most importantly, actually reading the Bible.  If you don't have Bible reading as a part of your daily routine, I strongly encourage you to do so.  Even if you just download a Bible App and listen to a few verses a day.  The Word is living and active and you will find that each day, it is exactly what you need.  Considering the times we are in, every one of us needs this.

Jesus, thank you for times of joy and peace as we fellowship together.  Give us all courage to continue to perservere during this pandemic.  Holy Spirit, help us to look to Jesus during those times we are fearful or unsettled.  Remind us to go to your Word for truth and confidence that you reign.  Thank you Jesus for the wonder and love of children.  Amen

When you are just not "fine'....

How often do we ask each other, "How are you?"  And just as often don't really listen to the answer that is given?  Most people just sort of respond, like a recording, "fine."  If there is one thing about this pandemic, this shelter in place, it is that not many people are FINE right now.  I don't know a single person who could honestly say that they are fine.  And I suppose, this should help somehow.  But knowing that everyone is not fine, doesn't erase your own very not fine.  Even my most well grounded in the Lord friends are feeling shaken during this time.  It seems that no one is really sleeping well.  Either from lack of  activity or from anxiety and fear and concern for others.  This time feels unending.  Every day just blurs into the next one.  In my area, we have at least three more weeks of these lonely, uneasy days. And the hardest part of all of this - the loss of community.

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This was my devotion today.  Doesn't it look like it was written for exactly where we are right now?

It is a cry for community.  If I have learned one thing in the last months, it is that I really need community.  All of my community.  My family - my kids and my grand kids, my friends, my small groups and Bible study friends, neighbors,  even the servers at the restaurants that Ken and I visit often, yes these are my community and the ones I am missing so terribly right now.  Although I have stayed connected via phone, Facebook live, Facetime, and zoom, it is just not the same.  I suddenly crave human contact.   Not "social distant" contact but all of those hugs and touches that we all took for granted just a few months ago.  I can only assume that the writer of this blog was on to something.  When she wrote this book (in 2017), people did not realize exactly how important community really is.  She needed to remind her readers not to take community for granted.  Not to forget the treasure that family and friends are and how they help by sharing our good times and our hard times.  It is also a reminder that we are all called to BE community for those around us.  In fact, we are called to be community to "fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).  Yes, a pretty heavy devotion for right now.

During a recent Zoom Bible study, I mentioned that I have gotten kind of irritated at the numerous messages and calls and posts I have gotten inquiring how Ken and I are doing during this time.  I sort of got tired of saying "FINE" when really, neither of us are fine.  This devotional has brought a new slant to these messages.  Most of these inquires were from people just being community and doing their best to fulfill the law of Christ.  It is much easier to be "fine" when you are not really being seen by the person doing the asking.  Admitting that you are not fine is really the biggest challenge of this pandemic. 

So, here is the reality of our current situation.  Ken is not fine.  He is suffering with some really low blood levels that have required numerous blood transfusions.  With the current "shelter at home" and COVID-19, our hospitals are on lock down.  And the doctors that Ken needs to see right now, are the ones busiest with very sick patients.  It has been scary and frustrating to say the least.  Even trying to get the doctors a message is difficult.  So I have been not very fine either.  Every lab test and procedure is done without me.  It is difficult to figure out what the doctors are thinking.   And so, we sit at home, wondering what is ahead for Ken's health.  He has a number of appointments next week so hopefully we will have a plan going forward.  The only places we have gone in the last month are the lab and the hospital and the clinic. 

On a personal level, in addition to being frustrated and worried and scared about Ken, I have been feeling lonely and depressed and sad.  Usually Lent and Holy Week and Easter are amazing wonderful spiritual times for me.  Honestly, this year has been a struggle for me.  Losing the connection to my community has not helped. This pandemic can not stop Easter.  Jesus is alive, He is risen and we will celebrate!  The pandemic can not stop spring from bursting forth.  Our tree is just about ready to be clothed in white blossoms.  The flowers are up and yellow, white, and purple blooms are everywhere.  Last week we had several days with temperatures over 60 and sunny.  So, in spite of how I am feeling right now, I know that this will pass.  We will be able to leave our homes.  Stores will be open and restaurants will have wait times for tables.  The parks will reopen and the paths and walkways will be filled with people.  But I pray that things do not go "back to the way things were."  I pray that people stay in touch - not just via message.  I pray that doorbells get rung and hugs get given.  Hopefully we will not lose the appreciation for "essential workers" that is evident everywhere right now.  Even if sports resume, I pray that they don't replace worship of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  And I pray that families will not forget just how good it was to spend so much time together, even doing nothing at all.  May there be less driving around to activities and more laughter at the family dinner table.  And I pray that we will all make time to visit those places of worship that we watched on Facebook live.  Most of all, I pray that families will come together and be happy just being together.  And grandmas will get lots of hugs and kisses and there will be a lot giggles and fun.  That is the picture that keeps this grandma going during these dreary days alone. 

Last night I had one of those really strange things happen.  I was watching a video on my phone and "accidentally" my thumb must have hit one of the videos in the lineup below the one I was watching.   This is what started playing, Dallas Holm, Rise Again.  I haven't heard this song for so many years.  In the 80's this was one of my favorite songs.  I so needed to hear this during this time.   If you need a huge dose of hope and a reminder that Easter follows Good Friday, stop and listen to that song.  It is worth the few minutes to let this touch your soul.   Even in the darkest time of Good Friday, Easter morning is coming. 

Jesus, thank you that we do not "social distance" from you.  You are with us always and never leave us.  Thank you for fulfilling your destiny to bring us back to your Father through your sacrifice on the cross.  Holy Spirit remind us that darkness is not forever.  Give us courage to continue to walk on through the hard times.  Thank you for music that touches our soul.  And Jesus, thank you for cell phones, the internet, Facebook and Zoom that keep us in community.  Amen