Family time to remember Ken

 Last weekend was the one year anniversary of Ken's death.  As a family we decided it would be really nice to remember Ken at one of his favorite locations - The Morton Arboretum.  We picked a time and prayed for good weather and we were not disappointed.  It was a simply glorious fall day with sunshine and cool breezes and temperatures in the 70's.  Just getting all 11 (now 12) of us somewhere is quite a job in itself.  Yes, we are now 12 since Lia has a boyfriend, Micah,  that we happily welcomed for this event.  I am sure that Ken would have been more than willing to embarrass Lia by asking Micah all kinds of questions.  For me, it was a perfect way to embrace our family growing and changing as we walk into the future.  

Ken so loved the "Trolls" exhibit at the Arboretum and took so many photos of them.  He would have loved this new exhibit that includes 5 large statues.  Each of us saw something different in them and appreciated them differently.  They are truly art and therefore whatever you see is okay!  I happened to catch the following picture...

This would make Ken so happy!  Usually Gwen and Susie are the photographers in the family.  And now Ellie also always seems to have her camera in her hand (see my previous blog about this).  But Doug just isn't usually seen like this.  Susie was "baby wearing" James, so that might explain Doug having the camera.  But it just makes me smile so much seeing him "walking in his dads footsteps'.  

The kids had such a good time, running around and playing together.  We had a snack time and ate some of Ken's favorite things.  His "special mix" granola was a favorite and also the apple cider donuts.  We munched on sausage and cheese and crackers while the kids played a rousing game of tag. 

Here are a couple more of my favorite pictures from the day.  We spent several hours hiking through the woods to find all five statues.  Because it was beautiful day, the Arboretum was busy.  But because it is so big, (and we avoided the buildings) the crowds didn't bother us much.   On the way back to the cars, I picked up these three special reminders of the day....

I loved this very big leaf.  You can't really tell by this picture, but it is much bigger than my hand.  I love the small pinecone and the tiny acorn also.  The leaf seems to represent a bit about my life.  Some of the life is gone, but there is still some green left there. My life as "us" is done, but I have more ahead. And the acorn and pinecone suggest new life.  I love that Jesus has chosen to speak to me in times of grief, through songs on the radio.  After Lucas' death in 2014 this song Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey was always on the radio.  It spoke to me so clearly that Jesus had so much ahead for our family.   I was really not expecting that to happen again.  And then  Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns played on my radio.  It took me a long time to take in all that this song was saying to me.  This verse touched my heart so much..

I know the road you walked was anything but easy.  You picked up your share of scars along the way. Oh but now your standing in the sun, you've fought your fight your race is won, the pain is all a million miles away.  

Ken had so many health issues through out his entire life.  This verse really captured that for me and spoke so much hope and joy into my heart.  And then it concludes with this verse...

There's not a day goes by that I don't see you. You live on in all the better parts of me. Until I'm standing with you in the sun, I'll fight this fight and this race I'll run, until I finally see what you can see.

I've been searching and asking for Jesus to show me a direction for the years ahead.  And here it is.  I will keep on in this fight - whatever that is. If it is Covid and shutdowns and pandemic issues, I will get through it.  I will keep on running the race that is before me.  Doing and being the best mom and grandma that I can be.  Serving Jesus in whatever ways I can.  Making a difference to those around me and those I may never meet personally.  I will always carry a part of Ken with me.  And it is comforting to know that he lives on through the kids and grandkids.  What a great legacy.  

To all those who are themselves in times of grief, sadness or suffering, know that Jesus loves you and cares so much for you.  He sees us all - exactly as we are.  Trust me, he will send the exact message we need at the appropriate time.  Just keep your eyes and ears open and he will speak to you.  

Jesus, thank you for the comfort of music and songs that touch the deepest parts of our being.  Holy Spirit, remind us to treasure every moment we have with our family and friends and with you.  Give us courage to stay open to what you are saying to us and wisdom to know your voice.   Thank you for nature, for trees and for tiny little pine cones.  Amen

 

Dance with me.....

Monday at Gwen's, I actually played "teacher" and did home school with the girls.  Gwen had a dentist appointment after work and the girls decided to do school in the morning rather than the afternoon.   I was just fine with this, however keeping an almost two year old busy and out of trouble while trying to do home school is really quite an experience.  Fortunately, Anna somewhat cooperated and we were able to get most of the work done before Gwen got home.  This is how Anna spent the morning......

How can you not love this little one???  She was all set for her picnic with her basket and her shoes and her hair, and of course her phone.  It kept her busy and we were able to our work.  We had about 45 minutes after school before Gwen arrived and the girls wanted to have a dance competition.  (When you are sisters EVERYTHING is a competition!)  For the first part, I was the "judge".  When there were no winners, the girls made ME a dancer!  Let's just say it was a very good laugh and they got a real kick out of my style of dance.  But I loved when they all....even Anna....wanted to dance with me!

Then, today at my small group, there was one of those moments that just stop you in your tracks.  We first listened to a song I have blogged about "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns.  As we were talking about being held by Jesus it transitioned into dancing with him.  And so we listened to an older favorite of mine, Dance With Me, by Paul Wilbur.  Monday I was totally in love dancing with Lia, Ellie and Anna.  Today I was totally in love dancing with Jesus.  What a gift these times are!  Over and over in Scripture, Jesus tells us to be like a little child.  On Monday those beautiful girls convinced me to dance.  Today while listening to "Dance With Me" I was remembering how easy and free they were just dancing.  As the words of the song flowed over me, it was suddenly easy to see myself dancing with Jesus.

Dance with me oh lover of my soul, to the song of all songs.

Romance me oh lover of my soul, to the song of all songs.

Behold you have come, over the hills upon the mountain

To me you have run my beloved. you've captured my heart.

With you I will go, you are my love, you are my fair one.

Winter has past and the springtime has come!

Dance with me.  

The Casting Crown song tells us to just let go and be held.  When you do that, you can let Jesus lead you in an amazing dance, as He says Dance with Me!

Isn't it great how Jesus uses the children around us to help us hear His call to us?  Jesus wants to dance with each of us. I am so glad that I listened to the girls on Monday and danced with them.  Even though I felt very silly and it was out of my comfort zone for sure.  Because today, it was that much easier to see myself dancing with Jesus.

There is so much shaking and conflict in our world.  The news is full of political drama, conflicts and horrible events.  But in the midst of it all, Jesus is having a dance party!  He is calling all of us to just dance with Him and let Him take care of all the "junk" of the world.  Jesus Reigns!    Nothing else matters.  So if you are feeling the stress and heaviness of life today, listen to the song and let yourself dance with Jesus.  You will be amazed how free you will be!  Dance on!

Jesus, thank you for inviting us all to dance with you!  Holy Spirit, help us all to look up to Jesus and away from things of the world.  Remind us that there is a dance party going on!  Jesus, thank you for the carefree hearts of children.  Give us all grace to be as little children as we dance with you.  Amen

Just be held.....

This is a very old picture (Thanksgiving 2013... 2 years old) of me with Zeke.  But I thought of it immediately when I was considering this blog.  It all started on Monday morning.  I had the radio on to listen to some Christmas music on the way to Gwen's house.  But there wasn't Christmas music playing (as I expected).  In fact, this song started to play and I was immediately aware that I needed to listen carefully to the lyrics and hear the message that it contained for me.  I don't think that I had ever heard this song before Monday morning.  At least I had never really LISTENED to the lyrics before.  When I got in the car to drive home, the radio was still on.  When I was about half way home, there was this song again...   twice in one day.  Yes, that got my attention.  I must need to hear these lyrics right now.  And listen to the message.   Here are the lyrics....................

 "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns

Hold it all together, Everybody needs you strong.

But life hits you out of nowhere, and barely leaves you holding on.

And when you're tired of fighting, chained by your control,

There's freedom in surrender.  Lay it down and let it go.

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away.

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held.

Your world is not falling apart, its falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held.  Just be held, just be held.

If your eyes are on the storm, you'll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross, you'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted. In time, you'll understand.

I'm painting beauty with the ashes, your life is in My hands.

Lift your hands, lift your eyes.  In the storm is where you'll find Me.

And where you are, I'll hold your heart, I'll hold your heart.  

Come to Me, find your rest.

In the arms of the God who won't let go.  

All during the evening on Monday, all I could think about was JUST BE HELD.  Today while I was watching my little nanny twins, they just seemed to both want to be held.  ALL DAY!  And both at the same time.  So I had a twin on each leg when they were not sleeping or eating.  During one of those sleeping times, I was remembering this picture of Zeke, just wanting to be held.  And this grandma just wanting to hold him.  And then I remembered a lesson I learned quite some time ago.  I was going through a time when things seemed very dark and I felt as if my prayers were not being heard or answered.  Just when I most needed it, Jesus taught me a powerful lesson through a toddler having a temper tantrum.  He reminded me that sometimes all you could do was pick up a screaming toddler and press them close to your chest to get them to calm down.  And when they are pressed tightly to your chest, it seems very dark and they can't hear you or see you.  And that is exactly what Jesus was doing to me at that moment.  I had been throwing quite a temper tantrum of sorts and His response was to hold me close.  Even though I felt it was dark and I wasn't being heard, in fact, the truth was that Jesus had pulled me into a loving embrace.  When I was listening to this song, I was back in that lesson.    And as I listened to those words, and then actually LOOKED at the words, I realized that I have been slipping into the place of trying to control well EVERYTHING.  And it has had me feeling stuck!  So I guess that is the "chained" mentioned in this song.  I guess I need to be lay it down and just be held.  

There is so much more in those lyrics that I can relate to.  What a great reminder that we need to lift our hands and our eyes when there is a storm swirling around us.  Because that is exactly where we will find Jesus.  In that spot there will be rest and the peace that comes with that surrender.  

Yes, I am very thankful for this "radio inspired" message and this amazing song.  I'll admit that it felt very different today when those sweet little ones wanted so badly to in my arms.  All I could think about was just how good it feels to be held by the One who knows exactly what we need.  

Please take a few minutes and let those words to this song get a hold of you.  I am sure that every person out there in cyberspace that is reading these words, will relate in some way to this song.  What a great place to be during this Advent season.  Letting go and just being held!  

Jesus, thank you for the gift of this song and the words that reached so deep into my spirit.  Holy Spirit, show each person reading this blog, exactly what they need from this post.  Thank you for Casting Crowns and the inspiration for this song.  Continue to bless them as they share your love with the world.  Thank you for little children that remind us to just relax into a loving embrace.  Amen

When songs say it all......

So this song Blessed Be the Name of the Lord brought me to tears this morning.  This grief thing is taking me by surprise at so many turns.  All of a sudden I will just be hit with one of those waves of sadness that just seems overwhelming.  And then this song Who I Am was the next song up and there it was again.  This morning, it was these songs that just brought to the surface all the feelings that are swimming around in my spirit.

I was on my way to Gwen's house to watch her kids while she worked.   And I was so thankful to be able to hug Anna and Zeke this morning.

I had plenty of time to reflect on the way these songs had touched me this morning while Anna took a break for a snack.. Both of those songs are worth listening to, maybe even more than one time.  The messages that they contain are so important....not just for me...but for every one of us.  Blessed Be the Name of the Lord ends with these lyrics...

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord blessed be Your name

Yes, my heart has been making a choice to say, "Lord Blessed be your name."  It has not been easy, but there has been grace to do that.  And then as I listened to Who Am I, these lyrics touched me..

 Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

So I am just going to leave this blog tonight, with these two songs.  I am praying that as you listen to them (just click on the song titles above) you will be blessed.  It is hard to continue to be honest on this blog when honest is being undone by a couple of songs.  But I am thankful for music and lyrics that express the feelings that are in my spirit that I can't find the words to say.   And I am thankful for hugs and kisses from family members.  And I am thankful for knowing who I am.... I belong to Jesus.

Thank you Jesus for music that exposes and expresses my true feelings.  Thank you for the reminder of your great love and care for me.   Holy Spirit, reach and touch all who stop and listen to these songs and read this blog.  Jesus, thank you for hearing me when I call out to you.,  Amen

When Jesus speaks in a song.....

Do you know how sometimes you hear just the perfect song, at just the right time?  I had one of those times this morning.  A song I have heard many times, sung many times, thought about before..... just smacked me in the heart and spirit this morning.  Who I Am by Casting Crowns  Click on this link to hear the song that stopped me this morning.   Here are the words......

Who am I? That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name, Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I? That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,  for my ever wondering heart.

Not because of who I am. But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done. But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading, Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,  Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.  I am yours.  I am yours.

Who am I?  That the eyes that see our sin
Would look on me with love  And watch me rise again
Who am I?  That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain, And calm the storm in me.

Whom shall I fear?  Whom shall I fear?
'cuz I  am yours.  I am yours.

After my post yesterday (and the day before), I was thinking about how short our time really is, to make a difference for Jesus.  None of us knows the length of our days.  We are those flowers, quickly fading.  We are just a vapor in the wind.  And even when we feel like we are wandering off of the path that is the correct path for our destiny, Jesus will light the way for us to get back on track.  When those storms are raging INSIDE of us, as well as all around us, Jesus calls out to us and calms that inner storm.  Really, is there anything that should rattle us, when we KNOW this?  If we take the words of this song into our spirit, and digest it, there is nothing that we should be afraid of!  

I didn't really realize how fearful I had been over the last few weeks.  But the truth is, there are several things going on in my life right now, and somehow, that fear had just crept into my spirit.  There was some fear of man - what others would think.  There was some fear of the unknown.  There was some fear of making wrong choices or decisions.  But after hearing this song in a new way this morning, I am repeating over and over to myself "Whom shall I fear? I am yours!"   I know that I am not the only one feeling this today.  Do you have a storm raging inside of you?  Is it raining around you and you feel like you can't hear Jesus?  Well, good news, Jesus is calling out to YOU!  And the best news for ALL of us -  Jesus will catch us when we are falling.  And in that moment, when Jesus reaches out and catches us, he tells us that we belong to him.  Wow!  So, I encourage you to listen to the song in the link above.  Listen to it more than once.  Let it resonate in your spirit.  And then repeat after me "Whom shall I fear??  I am yours".

Jesus, thank you for music, for words that reach deep into our spirits.  Thank you for Casting Crowns and this special song "Who Am I".  Bless them mightily, Jesus.  Holy Spirit, reach out and touch many though this song.  Thank you for today and the encouragement that you have brought to me. 
Thank you for your great plans and purposes for each person.   And Jesus, thank you for calling out to me, through the storms raging inside of me!   Amen