Family time to remember Ken

 Last weekend was the one year anniversary of Ken's death.  As a family we decided it would be really nice to remember Ken at one of his favorite locations - The Morton Arboretum.  We picked a time and prayed for good weather and we were not disappointed.  It was a simply glorious fall day with sunshine and cool breezes and temperatures in the 70's.  Just getting all 11 (now 12) of us somewhere is quite a job in itself.  Yes, we are now 12 since Lia has a boyfriend, Micah,  that we happily welcomed for this event.  I am sure that Ken would have been more than willing to embarrass Lia by asking Micah all kinds of questions.  For me, it was a perfect way to embrace our family growing and changing as we walk into the future.  

Ken so loved the "Trolls" exhibit at the Arboretum and took so many photos of them.  He would have loved this new exhibit that includes 5 large statues.  Each of us saw something different in them and appreciated them differently.  They are truly art and therefore whatever you see is okay!  I happened to catch the following picture...

This would make Ken so happy!  Usually Gwen and Susie are the photographers in the family.  And now Ellie also always seems to have her camera in her hand (see my previous blog about this).  But Doug just isn't usually seen like this.  Susie was "baby wearing" James, so that might explain Doug having the camera.  But it just makes me smile so much seeing him "walking in his dads footsteps'.  

The kids had such a good time, running around and playing together.  We had a snack time and ate some of Ken's favorite things.  His "special mix" granola was a favorite and also the apple cider donuts.  We munched on sausage and cheese and crackers while the kids played a rousing game of tag. 

Here are a couple more of my favorite pictures from the day.  We spent several hours hiking through the woods to find all five statues.  Because it was beautiful day, the Arboretum was busy.  But because it is so big, (and we avoided the buildings) the crowds didn't bother us much.   On the way back to the cars, I picked up these three special reminders of the day....

I loved this very big leaf.  You can't really tell by this picture, but it is much bigger than my hand.  I love the small pinecone and the tiny acorn also.  The leaf seems to represent a bit about my life.  Some of the life is gone, but there is still some green left there. My life as "us" is done, but I have more ahead. And the acorn and pinecone suggest new life.  I love that Jesus has chosen to speak to me in times of grief, through songs on the radio.  After Lucas' death in 2014 this song Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey was always on the radio.  It spoke to me so clearly that Jesus had so much ahead for our family.   I was really not expecting that to happen again.  And then  Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns played on my radio.  It took me a long time to take in all that this song was saying to me.  This verse touched my heart so much..

I know the road you walked was anything but easy.  You picked up your share of scars along the way. Oh but now your standing in the sun, you've fought your fight your race is won, the pain is all a million miles away.  

Ken had so many health issues through out his entire life.  This verse really captured that for me and spoke so much hope and joy into my heart.  And then it concludes with this verse...

There's not a day goes by that I don't see you. You live on in all the better parts of me. Until I'm standing with you in the sun, I'll fight this fight and this race I'll run, until I finally see what you can see.

I've been searching and asking for Jesus to show me a direction for the years ahead.  And here it is.  I will keep on in this fight - whatever that is. If it is Covid and shutdowns and pandemic issues, I will get through it.  I will keep on running the race that is before me.  Doing and being the best mom and grandma that I can be.  Serving Jesus in whatever ways I can.  Making a difference to those around me and those I may never meet personally.  I will always carry a part of Ken with me.  And it is comforting to know that he lives on through the kids and grandkids.  What a great legacy.  

To all those who are themselves in times of grief, sadness or suffering, know that Jesus loves you and cares so much for you.  He sees us all - exactly as we are.  Trust me, he will send the exact message we need at the appropriate time.  Just keep your eyes and ears open and he will speak to you.  

Jesus, thank you for the comfort of music and songs that touch the deepest parts of our being.  Holy Spirit, remind us to treasure every moment we have with our family and friends and with you.  Give us courage to stay open to what you are saying to us and wisdom to know your voice.   Thank you for nature, for trees and for tiny little pine cones.  Amen

 

When you hear something in a song that you have never heard before....

Yesterday I spent another wonderful day with Grace and Susie!  At three weeks old, Grace is doing simply amazing.  She is alert and most of all, peaceful and calm.  She basically just sleeps, eats and looks around - which is what most babies do at three weeks!  But she rarely cries, which is a bit unusual.  I am loving all the time I get to spend with her!  Yep, just love this grandma time!

On the way home last night, I heard the same song on the radio twice!  That is really odd!  The first time it played, I was in tears.  This was a song that so touched me after Lucas died.  So, I was thinking about the very short, precious time we had with Lucas.   Here is a picture of Lucas taken when I was holding him....

After the song finished, the station played another song.  And then, somehow, that first song came on again!  The song is Tell Your Heart To Beat Again, by Danny Gokey.  Now I have heard this song so many times.  I can assure you that I have cried my way through it, every time it plays.  But last night, when the song came on a second time.... well it got my attention.  And then I found myself REALLY listening.  There it was.... exactly what I needed to hear.  And it had been there all the time, right in the chorus. 

Tell your heart to beat again
close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Step into the light of Grace!  It was as if that line had been placed there, just for me.  Just for our family.  It was a very clear message.  GRACE!  Our sweet Grace!  And we are taking that step into the light.  Lucas is always with us.  But the shadows of grief and pain are falling away, as we step into this time with Grace.  I am so amazed at the wonder of knowing that God has a hand in not only knowing our names before we are born, but at the "God-incident" that caused this song to play twice in a ten minute time span - just to get my attention.  

Isn't our wonderful, caring Jesus just amazing?  Hearing exactly the right song at the right time.  And using something like the lyrics in a song to touch and reach and heal and remind me that He has everything under control.  Today I mentioned this to Susie and we got to talking about Grace's name.  Susie said that the minute she looked at her after she was born, she KNEW that her name was Grace.  I can't imagine her with any other name.  

During the last two years after Lucas' death, it was hard to imagine a time when the shadows were falling away.  I am sure that many of you can understand this.  Those times of deep despair and depression.  Times when things seem so dark and (as the song says....) shattered in a thousand pieces on the floor. It is hard to even consider what is ahead in the future.  I know.  I've been there.
But then.... as the song says.

Beginning

Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now

Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

'Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun.

There is one final verse.... It is a reminder that every scar is a picture of WHO has carried us this far. It is the loving hands of Jesus that can pull us through those dark times.  Yes, I am so thankful for the reminder that my families story is far from over.  Grace's journey has just begun.  

Jesus, thank you for speaking to me in a song, again.  Holy Spirit, help us all to feel those loving, healing hands of Jesus during those dark and shattered times.  Give us courage and boldness to get up and take that step, knowing that Jesus is in control.  Thank you for blessing our family with this new life.  Amen

You have to take a step to move ahead.........

Ever since Wednesday and my small group, I have had this song just playing over and over in my head, in my heart and in my spirit.....  Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey.  I know that I have heard this song before, but I heard it differently this week.  You can click on the link and watch and listen (the lyrics are on the video).  But for the sake of this blog...here are the lyrics.

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

By Danny Gokey

You're shattered

Like you've never been before

The life you knew

In a thousand pieces on the floor

And words fall short in times like these

When this world drives you to your knees

You think you're never gonna get back

To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning  Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak

And every scar

Be a picture that reminds you

Who has carried you this far

'Cause love sees farther than you ever could

In this moment heaven's working

Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Your heart to beat again

Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

I have blogged about the death of my grandson Lucas in November of 2014.  There is nothing that can prepare you for something like this tragedy.  Looking back, I really don't know how my son and daughter-in-law have gotten through this.  But this week, all I can think about is how Doug and Susie have made a choice to tell their hearts to beat again.  There is no way that I can really understand the depth of their loss...only someone who has lost a baby can begin to understand.  But when I heard this song, especially this verse........

Beginning  Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun

I felt so proud and thankful and hopeful for our family.  Every day...EVERY DAY.... Doug and Susie have made a choice to close their eyes and breathe and tell their hearts to beat again.  What a brave and wonderful and strong thing that is. And they have been able to do that because of the love and healing hands of Jesus.  

This weekend, Ken and I got to spend time with Doug and Susie and Gwen and Tim and the kids. (More about our weekend away in another blog tomorrow!) For me it was very much putting an exclamation point on what I had been feeling since Wednesday.  The 6 of us (the adults) sat around the table last night (after the kids were asleep) playing a rousing game of Trivial Pursuit.  As usual (for our family) we were laughing and talking.  I am so thankful that Doug and Susie didn't allow the lose of Lucas to stop them in their tracks.  They have gotten back up, they have made that choice, they have taken that step.  And I know that the story is far from over.  Yes, I am a thankful mom today.

Jesus, thank you for Danny Gokey and this amazing song.  Holy Spirit, you so often speak to me through lyrics and this week has been another one of those times.  Thank you for the reminder that we all have to make a choice, every day, to breathe and take a step.  Jesus thank you for the wonderful example Doug and Susie are for all of us.  Thank you for family and time together.  Amen