Spending time with Grace and James

James just gets bigger and cuter with each day.  I told Doug and Susie that I think he grows so much between my visits. When I look at this picture, he looks so much younger!  It was such a blessing to have time with Susie and the kids while she was off on maternity leave.   Grace and I got to have some sprinkler fun and of course, time at the nearby park.

There were a couple of rainy days, as usual, and Grace and I had fun playing inside also.  This set was actually Susie's when she was little.  This just goes to show that toys really don't change much and the kids still love them.  

Susie and I waited for one of the cooler days to take Grace and James to a nearby spray park.  Grace had never been to an outside spray park and she had a great time.  I had my swimming suit on and got sprayed and dumped on a couple of times.  James was good just sleeping away in his stroller.

 This summer has flown by and here it is, August and the kids are back in school.  We are still being cautious about Covid since Grace and James are not vaccinated, but it is good to finally have some more normal things happening.  Last week Susie returned to work and I will be watching Grace and James during the week.  So I know there is still plenty of time for outdoor fun.  Grace will be starting preschool 4's after Labor Day.  She will be in school three mornings a week and is excited for school to start.  She is a real social girl and has missed being with other kids.  She is so much fun!  Her imagination is wonderful.  We had days of playing "Olympics" which included many races and other "unusual" events that she made up.  She told me that Doug had won a gold medal in the Fishing competition for catching a BIG crappie.  The fish was so big that it bit his finger so Doug killed it and ate it!  Sounds about right, if you ask me!  Grace is a card playing champ.  She loves Uno and we usually play seven or eight hands at a time.  She is learning strategy and often holds on to those wild cards to play and win the game.  We play Zingo and CandyLand and several other board games.  She still loves puzzles and we often do "hard" puzzles that have 50 or more pieces.  Soon she will have outpaced this grandma in the game playing department!   

James has been a really happy baby.  He mostly sleeps, eats and needs diaper changes.  I have just started giving him a bottle when Susie is gone and the biggest problem is that he is always smiling!  The milk just runs out of his mouth with each smile!  I can't wait to see his personality shine!

I am so thankful for these times with the grandchildren.   Ken's death has made me more aware of the preciousness of time together.  Lucas is not far from my mind every time I am with the kids.   Our family has missing pieces and we are always aware of that. I think that I hold each of the grands a bit closer and hug a bit tighter, because of these loses.  I know that our family is not alone.  There are so many who have lost children.  So many who have lost parents at an early age.  So many young widows or widowers now faced with raising children on their own.  For sure, death is a part of life.  Somehow in our culture, we forget this.  It is a subject that people don't want to talk about.  And that is a sad fact.  Lately people have been asking me "how are you?" sort of expecting the answer "fine."   I can tell that many people are almost afraid to talk about Ken.   I have been working on telling people the truth when they ask questions.  The last couple of months have been harder than the previous months.  I don't know why and I can't even explain HOW they have been harder.  Knowing that almost a year has passed without Ken, seems unreal to me.  Some days it seems like much longer, and some days much shorter.   I don't know how people deal with death without Jesus in their life.  Knowing that Jesus is with me, that He is the comfort and peace that I need is what sustains me every day.  Praise and worship and prayer and scripture are what fills my heart.  Holding all of my family close is the icing on the cake. 

If your family, like mine, has some "pieces" missing, know that I am praying for you.   If you know someone who has experienced a loss, reach out to them.  Say that person's name.  Share a good memory with them.  Have an open heart to allow the Holy Spirit to work through you.   You never know when a smile or a hug might make a difference to someone.  

Jesus, thank you for your presence with us every day.  Holy Spirit, bring your peace and comfort to those who are grieving.  Remind us all to speak the names of those who have died.  Give us courage and boldness to reach out and bring you to those around us.  Thank you for summer heat, for refreshing water and the smiles and love of children.  Amen

Easter fun!

Today was  sort of a continuation of yesterday's fun and family for me.  Gwen had the day off of work, so we "celebrated" and took the kids to the mall for some summer shoe shopping and then to their favorite "big park".  This park excursion also included a "picnic" lunch so it was a big hit all around.  This truly is a BIG park with 6 large play areas, a large sand/water play area, stuff for the younger kids, a BIG climbing rope structure and more!  I have been to this park with the kids since Lia was a baby since it was the closest large park to their old house.  Because they now live pretty far away from this park, it is a real treat for the kids to revisit this wonderland of park equipment.  It was another incredibly beautiful day (yesterday was fantastic) so it was a treat to be outside and enjoying the springtime.

Yesterday was one of those days that you just don't want to see come to an end.  The time just sped by and was filled with laughter, fun and food.  All of the kids had a blast....well, I suppose that is a bit of a stretch for Grace....but she ate, slept and smiled through the day!  Our day started with all 11 of us together at Gwen and Tim's church.  We actually took up two rows!  Let me tell you there is nothing better for this Grandma than to look around at all those sweet faces celebrating that Jesus is alive!  We never heard a peep out of Grace during the entire service!  Church was followed by lots of good food.  How wonderful is the aroma of ham baking in the oven and we were greeted with that lovely smell arriving at Gwen's house. After our annual outside picture taking event (these pictures were shared yesterday on Facebook!) the kids had a wonderful time exploring their Easter baskets.  Zeke was thrilled with a small "pocket volcano" that I included in his basket.  (In case you are wondering, this small plastic volcano is filled with baking soda and vinegar and placed in a glass of water, creates a wonderful volcano - perfect for a 5 year old boy!  It can also be used in the bath tub!)  

Grace had a couple of wardrobe changes during the day, including putting on this "my first Easter" bib, just for me!  After the rousing Easter egg hunt, we all walked to the park.  To end the day, we took a family picture and it was a surprising success - even though this was the end of a long, long day.

Every family picture we take has a missing piece.  I can't help but look at this picture and know that Lucas is missing from it.  But while Lucas is missing from this picture, he is always in our hearts.

I love that Susie and Doug included their special Lucas bear in this Easter family photo.  And Susie is also holding Grace's sweet "Rainbow Bunny"!  Grace is our precious rainbow baby.  She is a reminder of hope and love after the storm of grief and loss when Lucas died.  

I can't think of a better day and a better way to remember Lucas than Easter.  Because of Easter, we know that we will see Lucas again one day.  Because of Jesus, our family has been able to go on - day after day, in the last two plus years.  It is the message of Easter - He is risen! - that fills us with joy. 

I just love that Easter this year, happened to fall right in the middle of my weeks of loss.  Not only was I thinking about Lucas, but I was also thinking about my mom, dad, mother-in-law, father-in-law and sister.  I needed the reminder that Jesus has destroyed the power of the grave!  

Yes, this has reminded me of yet another song......Forever by Kari Jobe.  I don't know if you are all sick of me sharing songs, but so often Jesus speaks to me in music.  And this song contains this all important message!  

Now death where is your sting? Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated!

My prayer today is that this message of Easter will touch your heart and your spirit.  Because of Jesus there is joy and hope and love.  There is family and fun and food and playtime.  And we can sing Hallelujah!

Jesus, thank you for wonderful sunshine and bright blue skies.  Thank you for the sweetness of candy that brings smiles to faces of little children and adults!  Holy Spirit, help us all to remember, even in the seasons of grief and loss, that the sting of death has been defeated by Jesus!  Thank you for your sacrifice for us, Jesus.  Amen

You have to take a step to move ahead.........

Ever since Wednesday and my small group, I have had this song just playing over and over in my head, in my heart and in my spirit.....  Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey.  I know that I have heard this song before, but I heard it differently this week.  You can click on the link and watch and listen (the lyrics are on the video).  But for the sake of this blog...here are the lyrics.

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

By Danny Gokey

You're shattered

Like you've never been before

The life you knew

In a thousand pieces on the floor

And words fall short in times like these

When this world drives you to your knees

You think you're never gonna get back

To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning  Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak

And every scar

Be a picture that reminds you

Who has carried you this far

'Cause love sees farther than you ever could

In this moment heaven's working

Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Your heart to beat again

Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

I have blogged about the death of my grandson Lucas in November of 2014.  There is nothing that can prepare you for something like this tragedy.  Looking back, I really don't know how my son and daughter-in-law have gotten through this.  But this week, all I can think about is how Doug and Susie have made a choice to tell their hearts to beat again.  There is no way that I can really understand the depth of their loss...only someone who has lost a baby can begin to understand.  But when I heard this song, especially this verse........

Beginning  Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun

I felt so proud and thankful and hopeful for our family.  Every day...EVERY DAY.... Doug and Susie have made a choice to close their eyes and breathe and tell their hearts to beat again.  What a brave and wonderful and strong thing that is. And they have been able to do that because of the love and healing hands of Jesus.  

This weekend, Ken and I got to spend time with Doug and Susie and Gwen and Tim and the kids. (More about our weekend away in another blog tomorrow!) For me it was very much putting an exclamation point on what I had been feeling since Wednesday.  The 6 of us (the adults) sat around the table last night (after the kids were asleep) playing a rousing game of Trivial Pursuit.  As usual (for our family) we were laughing and talking.  I am so thankful that Doug and Susie didn't allow the lose of Lucas to stop them in their tracks.  They have gotten back up, they have made that choice, they have taken that step.  And I know that the story is far from over.  Yes, I am a thankful mom today.

Jesus, thank you for Danny Gokey and this amazing song.  Holy Spirit, you so often speak to me through lyrics and this week has been another one of those times.  Thank you for the reminder that we all have to make a choice, every day, to breathe and take a step.  Jesus thank you for the wonderful example Doug and Susie are for all of us.  Thank you for family and time together.  Amen

Certainly at my weakest......

Yes, this showed up in my email.  I can tell you that there is no question, I AM AT MY WEAKEST.  As a matter of fact, I can't think of any time when I have felt more empty and lost.  I know that I blogged about the hope that I have in Jesus.  And that hasn't changed.  But here's the thing.  Honestly, where I am right now is so hard to explain.  One minute I think that things are okay.  And then the next minute I feel as if the bottom has dropped out of my life.   I have never known more clearly that I can not "do" my life right now on my own.  If it were not for Jesus and HIS strength, I know that I would be simply flattened.  

The thing about grief is that it comes in waves.  You just never know when you will be hit by a big one.  I love the ocean.  As a matter of fact, the ocean is really my special place.  So thinking about these feelings being waves, is a bit hard.  

But the truth is, that it does feel like waves washing over you.  There are times that you can feel the sand start to shift under your feet and you know that there is a wave coming.  You can prepare a bit for that grief to hit you.  But just as likely to happen are the waves that take you by surprise.  You might have your back turned slightly.  Or you are looking at the sky.  And suddenly you over bowled over by the power and strength of that wave.  Sometimes it is like that when a wave of overwhelming sadness and sorrow just strike.  I am so glad that Jesus is collecting my tears in a bottle.  And I am equally as glad that the bottle does not have a finite size.  Anytime I get hit by one of those waves, I remind myself that Susie and Doug are facing much bigger waves.  And that allows me to stop and ask Jesus to be with them. To surround them with his love and peace and strength.  

Yes, this is an impossible situation.  There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make the situation any different or better.  It just IS.  The good news is that when those waves come, it is good to have a lot of friends and family standing around you who will help you withstand those waves.  I am so thankful for friends who have been calling and listening to me share and cry.  And I am so grateful for their prayers.  I am so thankful for our family that drew up close together.  It was encircled in those loving arms that we each had the ability to walk through these days.  Lucas will be with us always.  And so we will remember and honor him.  And we will grieve and cry.  But we will also celebrate his place in our family.  There is no correct way to walk this road.  There are ups and downs and twists and turns. There are lots of waves and lots of tears.  But we are walking forward with hope not in our own strength, but in the strength of Jesus.  

So today I am thankful that when I am weak, He is strong.  And that is enough for today.  

Jesus, thank you for being gentle and kind to us as we are navigating this unfamiliar road.  Thank you for all who are pressing in to our family to be that support when those waves hit.  Help us all to be kind to each other and understanding when others don't know what to say or do.   Give us more of your strength since we are all at our weakest.  Thank you for reminding me today that your strength is enough.  Amen

Celebrating an amazing life.......

Today I heard (via Facebook) that an amazing women had gone to be with Jesus.  Her name was Florence and I met her in 2005.  This picture is my dear Kenyan friend Lucy and her sister-in-law Florence and me. (Not a great picture, but so special to me) When Lucy came to the United States to give birth to her special daughter Hope-Lyn, she stayed with her brother John, his wife Florence and their family.  After Hope-Lyn was born, Lucy invited me to visit her in Atlanta, Georgia for Hope's dedication.  Florence and John welcomed me into their home and blessed me greatly.  If you remember from previous posts, Lucy and I had just met in 2004.  So to be welcomed and loved and blessed by her family, was so special.  That trip to Atlanta was quite a big deal for me.  I traveled by myself, into the unknown.  I had never been to Atlanta, didn't really know much about these people, but trusted the Lord.  One of the first lessons I learned about Kenyan culture is that Florence was introduced to me as "Mama Nelly".  This custom recognizes a woman's status as a mother of her first child. Florence and John have three children - Nellie, Maurice, and Daniel.  And she was always called "Mama Nelly"!  (I would be called "Mama Gwen") The entire weekend was just incredible.  In many ways, I felt like I was stepping back into Kenya.  I discovered that there is a large Kenyan community in Atlanta and they are very close.  Florence and John welcomed a HUGE group of people into their home to celebrate the great gift of Hope-Lyn.  There were multiple pastors and many, many prayers.  And the singing was just amazing.  Unless you have experienced being in a group of people who are singing in a language that you don't know, you won't understand.  For me, it was one of the best worship experiences I have ever had.    The presence of the Lord was so heavy in that home you just had to worship.  I didn't speak their language, I didn't know them, I was a white face in a sea of black people, yet I was at home and I belonged. What a blessing it was to have these people pray for me! 

And then there was the food.  Like most church events, everyone had brought food and Florence and John had provided a feast.  Let me tell you that I think I ate more Kenyan food in Atlanta than I did in Kenya!  Florence was quite happy to serve me my first ever goat!  And I learned a great deal about how the women in Kenya take care of each other after they have given birth.  Yes, it was a weekend that I will never forget.

When I think of Florence I feel the love of Jesus in a very real way.  She talked about the school that she and John had started in Kenya.  With tears in her eyes she explained about the great need of these little ones.  You could feel the love and care in her every word.  I remember the warmth and joy that filled that home. That visit changed me.  I realized that Jesus can bring people together for His purposes - even around the world.  I understood in a much clearer way, that the world was here in the United States.  And I was reminded that I left a piece of my heart in Kenya. 

It is a terrible loss for their entire family.  I will see Florence again, one day.  She is celebrating now at that great banqueting table in heaven with Jesus.  And there is most likely goat on the menu! 

Jesus, be with John and the entire family during this difficult time.  Thank you for the assurance that Florence is with you.  Holy Spirit, comfort all who mourn the loss of this special woman.  Thank you Jesus for the opportunity to know Florence.  Jesus bless Lucy and give her your peace in this difficult time.  Amen