Reflections from the last couple of weeks...

I am working on my 2020 scrapbook right now.  It has been somewhat challenging for more than one reason.  I mean, we all know what 2020 was like - in general.  Covid, isolation, masks, and so much more.  But in our family, 2020 was also a year filled with hospital stays, illness, cancer diagnosis, and so much more.  This week marked three years since Ken's death. I came across this photo while printing for scrapbooking.  This day - July 17, 2020 - was the last time that Ken wanted to take photos.  As you can see, he was not able to stand so we had a chair with us.  I remember that day  actually happened because I knew just how depressed Ken was about not being able to take photos.  I drove to a not- to- distant park that had a (somewhat) clear horizon view so that Ken could snap some pictures of the sunset.  

The irony of this being a sunset photo is not lost on me.  It was certainly the sunset time of Ken's life.  He wasn't very happy that day.  He couldn't get the shot that he wanted.  Nothing was right about it and I could not do anything to help the situation.  But, I am so thankful that we made the trip that evening.  

It is true that none of us know when we might have that "sunset" moment.  For me the last month has been much harder this year than last year.  I don't know the reason for this, but I have come to think it might have something to do with my recent DNA discovery.  There has been some grief associated with that, for sure, and it seems to have increased my feelings around losing Ken.  Time is a strange thing.  Sometimes it feels very "new" that Ken is gone, but then other times it feels like a very long time ago.  Each new day holds new memories and new experiences and they do continue to build up.  Last week, I watched Jimmy zooming up and down the sidewalk on his "balance" bike.  Ken would have loved this so much!

Also, Jimmy has been asking to watch videos of motorcycle racing and I know that Ken would just be very happy sitting with Jimmy watching all things motorcycle.  These things bring a new kind of sadness and missing Ken that I wasn't expecting.  

This reflection has begun a sort of "new" season for me, which is very good timing with the onset of Autumn.   In this season I want to spend time looking ahead and planning for new things.  I am a list maker and so there will be lists involved in this.  There are many "undone" projects and plans that will find a home on this new list.  It is my prayer that there will also be many that are crossed off as they are completed!

In church, we are hearing a new sermon series titled "Different Life".  The overarching theme, as a follower of Jesus, our life is different!  The opening Bible Plan (on the Bible App) devotion said this..

If you are born from above you're different.  There's just no getting around it.  When the Spirit of God takes hold of someone, he changes them.  From top to bottom, inside and out.  Hear, soul and mind, you're just going to be different than you were before.  The Bible uses all kinds of language to describe this; Holy, remnant, chosen, sanctified, children of God, and more.  If you are born of God, there is something different about you.  And that's a good thing!

If you are interested in seeing more about this Different Life series, you can watch it on YouTube at Fellowship of Faith McHenry Il and find the Bible plan on the Bible App.  

The timing of this series certainly fits this "new" season for me.  I am so grateful to be shifting my focus while looking ahead, grounded in just how different my life is and most importantly WHY my life is different.  

 Jesus, thank you so much for knowing exactly what I need to hear!  Holy Spirit, thank you for being comfort during those times of grief and sadness.  Give us courage and boldness to reach out to our friends and family when we are feeling overwhelmed.  Thank you for leading and guiding us into new seasons and giving us help along the way.  Thank you for the change of seasons that remind us that life is ever changing.  Thank you for loving us.  Amen

When God knows exactly what you need.....

I had one of those hind-sight experiences in the last couple of weeks that has me knowing that God knew exactly what I needed.  Two weeks ago, I got a call from my sister Julie.  I could tell that she was not doing well.  That day, she had gotten on a bus to start a four week tour in Florida.  By lunch time on the first day after leaving the Minneapolis/St.Paul area, midway through Wisconsin, Julie realized that she was not well.  The tour stopped the first night in the Chicago area.  So she was asking if I could pick her up and work with her kids to help her get home.  It was an easy thing for me to do.  By the next morning, arrangements had been made for her to get home. I got to spend several hours with Julie, helping her pack up her things and then drove her into Wisconsin to meet her daughter Staci and her husband Aaron.  I am so thankful for those hours that I got to spend with Julie.  It was clear that she wasn't well.  She was a bit confused and complained of blurry vision, a headache and just not feeling well.  In spite of that, we had a wonderful time talking our kids and grandchildren.  She was excited to be welcoming her 5th Great Grandchild in March.  Julie was so excited to have found a dress that her daughter Chrissy had worn and she gifted it to this new baby, who will be Chrissy's first grandchild.  She even talked about finding a picture of Chrissy wearing that dress.  Julie talked about all of her 19 grandchildren and her (soon to be) 5 great grandkids and about her 4 daughters.  It was so good to talk, face to face.  We had frequent phone conversations, but actually being in the same room, was so good.  Staci and Aaron brought Julie directly to the hospital, upon getting back to the Twin Cities.  Because of Covid, her kids couldn't be with her.  It was discovered that she had indeed had a serious stroke.  And the recently diagnosed liver cancer was progressing much quicker than expected.  Her girls made arrangement to bring her home.  Sadly, she was only home a few days before her death.  

I have been talking about going to Minnesota to visit her since Ken died.  However Covid was still very much around and our family was still being cautious about exposure.  By the fall of 2021, I was actually trying to plan a visit with Julie, but her schedule was full.  Also, she had not been feeling very well and I thought I would wait until we could really enjoy the visit.  I knew that she had several trips planned so thought we would just delay until this spring, when the weather was better.  But God knew that I really needed to have this last time with Julie.  

I searched my photos for the last time we got together (just the two of us) and it was May of 2019. She made a trip to Chicago to see her granddaughter Angela.  We had a couple hours to visit and I snapped this picture.  We did see each other in September of 2019 at a small family reunion that was held in Iowa.  There were many people there and we didn't get much time to visit.  

 

Pictures are so important to me, especially family photos.  If you could see around my home, you would know this!  I treasure each and every photo and I know the kids are pretty sick of me always taking pictures.  The next picture of Julie and I was taken in September off 1954.  Newborn photos were not taken at all.  Because I am the 5th child in the family, there were not many pictures taken at all.  So I am so thankful that my dad decided to take a series of pictures of me as a newborn on the front steps of our home.  There is one of my mom holding me, one of my sister Karen holding me and this precious picture of (soon to be) 8 year old Julie, holding me.

In the car on the way to Wisconsin, Julie was dozing and clearly just working at getting through the time until she could get home.  We were talking about how much we loved being with our grandchildren and then she dozed off to sleep.  She suddenly woke and announced "you know, I was really close to her".  I was startled and asked who she was talking about.  I wondered if she was talking about our mom.  She was always very close to her.  Julie seemed surprised that I didn't know what she was talking about, and answered, "Well, Aunt Anna, of course".    We had a brief conversation about Aunt Anna and Julie seemed surprised that I wasn't close to her.   Aunt Ann was my mom's aunt who raised her and her sisters after their mother died. She was certainly a "grandmother" to all of the children of those girls, that included me.  However, Aunt Anna died in 1956 when I was 2 years old.  Other than the stories of others, I really don't have many memories of her.    I am sure that Julie was thinking of all the loved ones that she was longing to see again.  And that moment, it was Aunt Anna.

Grandpa and Aunt Anna were taken care of by my Mom and Dad.  Julie grew up with them and it makes perfect sense that she would have been close to Aunt Anna.  I just had never thought about that!

This photo from 1956 is (left to right), my mom (Nona Johnson), Eunice Ries, Aunt Anna Toensing, Arnold Toensing (their father), Phyllis Turnquist, Beatrice Nelson.  

I just love how personal and real Jesus is when you have an experience like this.  It would have been much harder for me to lose Julie, without this unexpected visit.  I almost feel as if she got on that bus specifically to see me.  Those conversations, the things we talked about, will stay with me.  I didn't know just how much I needed to make this connection.  But Jesus did.  So now, I am at peace, knowing that Julie is not sick any more.  She was at home, surrounded by all those she held so close and loved so much,  when she died.  I am thankful for the peace that Jesus brings me, knowing that He holds the number of our days in His hands.  And for the hope and joy and comfort for all who grieve.   

Jesus, thank you for knowing exactly what I needed.  Holy Spirit, please bring your comfort and peace to Elise, Chrissy, Sara and Staci and all who grieve the lose of Julie.  Bring your assurance, hope and joy to help us remember your promises.  Give us all courage and boldness to reach out and support others who have lost loved ones.  Amen

Spending time with Grace and James

James just gets bigger and cuter with each day.  I told Doug and Susie that I think he grows so much between my visits. When I look at this picture, he looks so much younger!  It was such a blessing to have time with Susie and the kids while she was off on maternity leave.   Grace and I got to have some sprinkler fun and of course, time at the nearby park.

There were a couple of rainy days, as usual, and Grace and I had fun playing inside also.  This set was actually Susie's when she was little.  This just goes to show that toys really don't change much and the kids still love them.  

Susie and I waited for one of the cooler days to take Grace and James to a nearby spray park.  Grace had never been to an outside spray park and she had a great time.  I had my swimming suit on and got sprayed and dumped on a couple of times.  James was good just sleeping away in his stroller.

 This summer has flown by and here it is, August and the kids are back in school.  We are still being cautious about Covid since Grace and James are not vaccinated, but it is good to finally have some more normal things happening.  Last week Susie returned to work and I will be watching Grace and James during the week.  So I know there is still plenty of time for outdoor fun.  Grace will be starting preschool 4's after Labor Day.  She will be in school three mornings a week and is excited for school to start.  She is a real social girl and has missed being with other kids.  She is so much fun!  Her imagination is wonderful.  We had days of playing "Olympics" which included many races and other "unusual" events that she made up.  She told me that Doug had won a gold medal in the Fishing competition for catching a BIG crappie.  The fish was so big that it bit his finger so Doug killed it and ate it!  Sounds about right, if you ask me!  Grace is a card playing champ.  She loves Uno and we usually play seven or eight hands at a time.  She is learning strategy and often holds on to those wild cards to play and win the game.  We play Zingo and CandyLand and several other board games.  She still loves puzzles and we often do "hard" puzzles that have 50 or more pieces.  Soon she will have outpaced this grandma in the game playing department!   

James has been a really happy baby.  He mostly sleeps, eats and needs diaper changes.  I have just started giving him a bottle when Susie is gone and the biggest problem is that he is always smiling!  The milk just runs out of his mouth with each smile!  I can't wait to see his personality shine!

I am so thankful for these times with the grandchildren.   Ken's death has made me more aware of the preciousness of time together.  Lucas is not far from my mind every time I am with the kids.   Our family has missing pieces and we are always aware of that. I think that I hold each of the grands a bit closer and hug a bit tighter, because of these loses.  I know that our family is not alone.  There are so many who have lost children.  So many who have lost parents at an early age.  So many young widows or widowers now faced with raising children on their own.  For sure, death is a part of life.  Somehow in our culture, we forget this.  It is a subject that people don't want to talk about.  And that is a sad fact.  Lately people have been asking me "how are you?" sort of expecting the answer "fine."   I can tell that many people are almost afraid to talk about Ken.   I have been working on telling people the truth when they ask questions.  The last couple of months have been harder than the previous months.  I don't know why and I can't even explain HOW they have been harder.  Knowing that almost a year has passed without Ken, seems unreal to me.  Some days it seems like much longer, and some days much shorter.   I don't know how people deal with death without Jesus in their life.  Knowing that Jesus is with me, that He is the comfort and peace that I need is what sustains me every day.  Praise and worship and prayer and scripture are what fills my heart.  Holding all of my family close is the icing on the cake. 

If your family, like mine, has some "pieces" missing, know that I am praying for you.   If you know someone who has experienced a loss, reach out to them.  Say that person's name.  Share a good memory with them.  Have an open heart to allow the Holy Spirit to work through you.   You never know when a smile or a hug might make a difference to someone.  

Jesus, thank you for your presence with us every day.  Holy Spirit, bring your peace and comfort to those who are grieving.  Remind us all to speak the names of those who have died.  Give us courage and boldness to reach out and bring you to those around us.  Thank you for summer heat, for refreshing water and the smiles and love of children.  Amen

Family and fun the first part of July

James has been such a joy for our family.  I have been trying to soak in as many memories as I can with him.  Gwen was able to visit and get her own share of baby love.  Grace just love seeing "the cousins" and because of distance and busy schedules, the kids don't get much time together.  So fun is on the docket when we are together.

We took a walk to the park and I managed to snap this picture of the moms with their kids!  They all love being together so much and it is great to see their friendships grow.  Covid has been hard on everyone but you can sure see it in the youngest kids.  Everyone is so glad for these family times.  I snapped this photo on the way to the park..

Anna and Grace have such a sweet relationship.  Their interests are very similar and they just love being together.  I can see some wonderful times together in the future

I got to spend part of the 4th of July with Doug and Susie, going to a local parade.  Ken and I had been at this parade with them in 2018 and 2019.  Ken really loved parades and it was good to celebrate, once again after Covid, at this parade.  James slept through the entre parade and Gracie loved getting the candy!  She could barely carry her bag of loot on the way home.  

We took some pictures after the parade when we got back to their house.  I love these yearly photos so much!  They just reflect how much the kids have grown and also all the changes in our family.  

Our last 4th of July pictures in 2019 were Ken and I with Grace.  Now we have added James but lost Ken.  So thankful for these pictures that mark the passage of time.  

Just after the busy 4th weekend, Susie and I took Grace and James back to Blackberry Farms.  I took Grace there on the day that James was born.  She was so excited to show Mommy and James around the park.  

It was a nice day, cooler and cloudy.  We spent a really nice couple of hours, feeding the animals, riding the pony, taking a hayride and riding the train.  It was the first real "outing" like this with James and he slept the entire time.  

While I was looking at my photos for these upcoming blogs, I found this really wonderful picture of James.

There are so many things I love about this picture.  It was just a casual picture I took of James when he had first started smiling.  When I was looking at this picture I noticed the placemat behind me on the table.  This was not a posed picture at all and I never noticed the placemat. Until long after the picture was taken.  To me it looks like Lucas is looking out over James.  James will grow up knowing his big brother Lucas, just as Grace does.  There is no "right or wrong" way for a family to move on after the death of a baby.  Or for that matter, the death of the grandpa.  I am so thankful that Jesus has walked all of us through grief that comes when you least expect it.  One thing I have learned in this process, all of the people in our "family tree" have sown into our lives in some way.  No matter how far away from us they are, there were seeds planted that carry on through generations.  There are connections that are a part of us.  I am so thankful that generations ago, my family decided to follow Jesus.  And because of that Spiritual seed, the Holy Spirit stirred me into my own faith walk.  Through the highs and the lows, through sickness and health, through death and new life, Jesus is with me.  And I know that those ancestors that I never met, along with those that I knew including Lucas, are celebrating with Jesus right now.  What I love most about this picture is that James is reaching out.  You can see his hand in the foreground of the picture.  He is reaching out into the future.  With all of those Spiritual seeds in his generations, I can't wait to see where he goes!  

Jesus, thank you for your leading and guiding every day.  Holy Spirit, remind us that you have a plan and purpose for each of us that was our destiny before we were even in our mothers womb.  Give us all patience and peace when we feel lost, alone or hurting.  Thank you Jesus for the comfort of the Holy Spirit.  Thank you for family and fun times.  Give us wisdom as we walk every day toward that destination that you have promised us.  Amen

Busy month and no blogs due to a computer crash and moving on through grief!

 I am sure you are thinking, "what does this have to do with a busy month and a dead computer?"  Here's the thing!  I think this is the best ever picture of my July!  First, a bit of a background on this photo.  I found this little pine tree growing in my front yard.  I have no idea where it came from.  When I pulled it out, the entire root ball came with it.  So I planted it alongside my flowers and have watched it take root and grow.  My July has been filled with our family loving on James and so thankful for the new life that has sprouted from our family tree.  I have "transplanted" my working space from an old (very slow) tablet to a new, very speedy laptop!  

Most of the month, I have been focused on preparing my entire upstairs for new carpeting.  This has been quite an experience for me.  When I tell you that the carpet in the master bedroom has been there for 43 years, you might understand what I mean!  Yes, it is original, builder grade gold shag carpet that has never been replaced.  This "getting ready" part has explained partially why we have never replaced this carpet!  It is a lot of work to clear out and get ready to MOVE everything from all of the rooms when you live in a very small space.  While I thought I had cleared out much of the "junk", I have discovered even more during this process.  I even went through my scraproom and really cleared out things I know I will never use.   I have managed to empty 7 shelves that will find a new home at Gwen and Tim's house. Three trips to Goodwill and to many bags of garbage to count, and I am closer to that new carpet!  As of right now, the end is in sight and by the first of September, I should have a whole new upstairs!  I can't wait! 

Looking at that persistent little tree caused me to reflect on the last three quarters of a year in my life.  In some ways I feel a bit like that tree.  It was kind of out of place, there in the dirt by my front deck.  Suddenly being alone after 48 years of "togetherness" with someone sure does feel out of place. I have come to identify this feeling more quickly now, 10 months after losing Ken.  It happens so suddenly and without warning like when I find myself referring to "our" house. Or "our" kids.  Changing those thoughts to "my" has brought on that out of place feeling.  It is just a little thing, but one more reminder of loss.  While clearing out the bedroom closet, I came upon these two framed posters...

I have resisted throwing these out because of the sentimental value they have for me.  On my 18th birthday (September 1972), Ken gave me these two posters. I thumb tacked them to my bedroom wall.  It was a total surprise when I received these.  Ken and I had only been dating for a few weeks and the thought behind these posters was deep and meaningful.  A year and a half later, Ken had these framed and gave them to me as a wedding present.  This was written on the back...

It reads  "Love you XXOOXX   To my dearest love   May all that I can give you be joyous and wonderful  With all my love, Ken" 

These hung on the walls of our home or many years.  They have faded and the frames have  gotten damaged.  When the bedroom was painted a few years ago, they were moved to the closet.  Now they are preserved in photos, this blog and future scrapbooks.  I have been moved into a new season, a new beginning.  Transplanted in a way, into a new and different life, going from "our" to "my".  Although these pictures are no longer here, the thought - the meaning- the words are still with me.  The 48 years Ken and I were together had lots of ups and downs, many struggles, many tears and much laughter.  My heart is full knowing that it was Ken's desire for our life together to be joyous and wonderful.  

I can't wait to see how this little tree grows.  I am anxious to move ahead into all that Jesus has for me in this new season of my life.  I am so thankful, so blessed, so hopeful and excited for this next chapter.  

Jesus, thank you for the times you speak to us through nature.  Holy Spirit, help us to see through your eyes at times we are shaken and unsettled.  Help us to take root in the new places and the new seasons you bring us to.  Fill us with your power and love, Jesus, to carry us through times of transition and changes.  Thank you Jesus for your constant, unchanging love for us.  Amen

A busy week with Ellie, Zeke and Anna

Every year, when Gwen and Tim lead a Youth Mission Trip from their church, I get to spend the week with the kids that are so young that they can't go on the trip!  Lia has already had a couple of trips, and in just a short time, Ellie will be going.  This year, it was great to have Ellie, Zeke and Anna for a week filled with fun and adventure.  

Gwen always leaves small gifts for the kids to open each day, along with a card telling us a bit about what they will be doing on their mission trip that day.  On this day, the kids got 6 very fun card games.  Over the course of the week we played these games for hours - and I mean hours!  Go Fish and Old Maid were the favorites and Anna and I played War over and over.  Having the swimming pool was such a wonderful treat for me.  I love to swim and we often spent many hours in the pool.  Sometimes two or more times in one day.  The weather was really good for us, and I picked the one "cooler" day to take the kids to Great America. 

The kids have memberships there and know the park like the back of their hands.  They led the way around the park and managed to get on all of their favorite rides (except for one), in spite of the fact that it was a beautiful day and the park was pretty crowded.  We stayed for about 5 hours and left with plenty of time to take Ellie to dance.  

The kids were excited to get new floats for the pool as one of their daily gifts from Gwen.  I saw how much these kids played with these floats and I was getting a lot of use out of them also!  All of the kids swim like fish and have so much fun playing together in the pool.  

I had promised to take the kids bowling, so on the last full day of the trip we finally got there.  Each of the kids got several strikes and several spares.  They did so well even though they don't often go bowling.  I had fun watching them bowl, and they couldn't believe that I had once been a really good bowler.  

On the last day I took the kids to a breakfast in a sit down restaurant.  As always, the kids ate everything that they were served.  It is so much fun to be with them and watch them share with each other, making sure everyone gets exactly what they want.

After breakfast we went to the "Big Park", another tradition from the years past.  I had promised Zeke that we would go to the skate park and this was the last chance.  

The week was filled with so much fun, so much laughter and so many hugs.  I can't ever express how much this time with the kids means to me.  When you get to spend time with the kids like this, you really find out so much about them.  I saw how caring Ellie is with Anna and how she will do anything to make Anna feel special.  One day she made up a scavenger hunt for Anna with notes all over the yard.  We also had a special "Dance Recital" hosted by Ellie that featured Anna as the dancer.  It was hours of work and practice.  I got to watch Zeke playing some on line video games and it was certainly an education for this grandma.  I heard Zeke sounding very mature, interacting with other players.  I heard him often opt out of some games if there were "bad words" being used by players, and often taking other players with him when he did this.  He would be open to ask these players if they believed in Jesus and I heard him talking about Jesus and the Bible more than once.  I also realized just how much Zeke was learning from playing these games.  I saw him using strategy and planning to work together with other players to score points and win the game.  It was a really different perspective than you might have about video games.  I am very aware of all of the limits that Gwen and Tim have placed on these games that make it safe for the kids.  Anna often talks about being the youngest and was really glad to hear that I am the youngest of my siblings.  She loves to swim - I think more than any of the other kids - and was very happy to have me there willing to swim with her whenever she wanted.  I loved having her read to me each day.  Anna was the first to want to help me with whatever I was doing and she helped with dishes and laundry, even when it wasn't her "job".  The couple of times that Zeke and Ellie didn't get along well, Anna was always wanting to be the peacemaker.  She really wants her siblings to get along and she is pretty quick to tell them that.  

During the week, the kids and I prayed over the items on the cards Gwen left for them.  We talked about the area that they were visiting and the poverty and sometimes homelessness that the kids there experienced.  It seemed like each of the kids really understood just how blessed they and their family are.  I especially like this connection to the Mission Trip.  It certainly helps me focus on what God might be doing through this time.  

Yesterday marked 9 months since Ken died.  It is hard to imagine and in some ways it seems like much longer that he has been gone.  It was one of those unexpected times, when grief suddenly hits you.  There was really no good reason, other than the date.  I am still finding it difficult to plan any vacations even though the COVID restrictions have lifted.  So in the next week, I am making it a point to begin to plan a trip away.  I know that when I do set things in place, it will mark a new beginning for me.  We finally had some much needed rain last week but one of those days of rain also brought some bad storms.  I found myself sheltered in my downstairs bathroom, while the sirens blew.  Fortunately, the storms passed over my area but sadly some areas near me were damaged.  It was certainly proof that we have moved into summer.  I am working on giving myself grace to walk through this grief process.  I often remind myself that it is normal for me to have these times were I feel stuck.  I am so thankful that my family and friends also continue to support me in this ongoing journey.  This time with the kids certainly helps and getting time with Grace and baby snuggles with James are also a joy. In spite of grief and loss, life is good.  Yes, I am blessed.  

Jesus, thank you for time with my kids that fills my heart so full.  Holy Spirit, remind all of us walking through grief that it is ok to move as slowly as we need to.  Help us surround ourselves with grace.  Jesus remind us all to see others as you see them.  Thank you for opportunities to go out of our comfort zone to share your love with others.  Give us courage to take the next step when it seems hard.  Amen

Lia is 15 and Gwen and Tim celebrate their 20th Anniversary!

I always appreciate doing these blogs because it helps me to reflect on just how blessed my life is!  Just after our family welcomed baby James,  Lia turned 15 years old.  It is truly hard to imagine that I now have 7 grandchildren!  And as the oldest, Lia is now well on her way to the end of her childhood.  

Lia is such a wonderful young lady and I loved tht I got to be with her to celebrate her special day.  I can't believe that she is now taking (gasp) drivers ed and will getting her permit soon.  Wasn't she just a tiny baby?  I love seeing how well she cares for her many friends and is always the first to give a word of encouragment to others.  Her confidence and caring will pave the way for amazing things in her future.  

On the heels of Lia's birthday was Gwen and Tim's 20th Wedding Anniversary.  While they had at one time, planned to go on a big vacation for thier anniversary, logistics just didn't make that possible.  Instead of going away, they asked if I would watch all four kids for a few days at my house, so that they could be "kidless" at home.  They had a wonderful couple of days, enjoying the time to do as they pleased, when they pleased!  

We don't often have the chance to be at my house without Gwen and Tim, so the kids were really looking forward to this visit.  We went out for a furious game of Mini Golf, which was really a lot of fun.  The kids were so happy to get in an extra visit with Grace and baby James without a "very long car ride".  Grace was happy to share her really small pool and a walk to the nearby playground.  We also had many games of Zingo and Candyland.  The time passed so quickly for me.  I am really cherising all the time I have with the kids. With Lia being 15, I know these times together are quickly coming to an end.  

 Since Doug has  returned to work after a couple of weeks home, I have gotten to visit and see James and have play time with Grace.  I know how much help a pair of extra hands can be with a preschooler and a newborn.   Grace and I have had lots of fun, especially when it is not just too hot to be outside.  

I love this photo I snapped of Grace one morning when the light was streaming in through their patio doors.  She is certainly all of the personality that you see in this picture, along with her daddies big eyes!   For the most part, she is quite happy being a big sister and very ready for the time that James will do more than eat and sleep and actually play with the many baby toys.  

The sunlight in this picture is a reminder of the very real "Son light" that covers over all of my family.  Every day and in so many ways, I can see and feel the presence of Jesus with us.  We have thankfully, as a family, survived the pandemic.  We are so blessed with James joining our family.  Being together to celebrate James arrival certainly helped us all know and feel Jesus.  At different and unexpected times, missing Ken becomes very real.  Last week my Timehop showed a picture of the last picnic that Ken and I ever went on last year.  It really didn't seem possible to me that a year had passed since that day.  Ken was happy to be outside by a lake, eating our takeout food.  It was a wonderful cool evening and we spent several hours watching the birds and listening to the sounds of nature.  The surprise for me was that this picnic happened in June.  I would have told you that it must have been August because in my mind this was one of the last times that Ken asked to do something like this. I am so thankful that we had this time together in nature.  Grief is so strange.  Things that you never thought about just hit you out of the blue.  This photo reminder was one of those things.  I happened to be with Ellie, Zeke and Anna when I saw this reminder.  The kids immediately said, "well we should go on a picnic to remember Grandpa".  It was exactly what I needed.  Sometime in the near future, there will be a family picnic on the calendar.  

My heart goes out to so many who face these grief triggers without someone to say the exact right thing when it is so needed.  It is at these times that I am so thankful for that Sonlight around me and the love and support of family and friends.  

Jesus, thank you for your  constant presence and peace that surrounds us.  Holy Spirit, give us courage to walk through times of grief and sadness,   Remind us all to see and feel your presence as we bask in the light of sun.  Thank you for family times, for children, for fun and for the blessings of new babies.  Amen

It has been a very long February.....

I know that February is the shortest month of the year, but in 2021 it has seemed so LONG!  On February 2, the groundhog predicted 6 more weeks of winter and it sure looks like he was correct.  For the first time this winter, we have had snow, snow and more snow.  Topping that off, it has been COLD!  Not just chilly, but down right cold.  Below zero type cold.   I really have no excuse for not blogging much, other than there is not much to blog about!  

Actually, the end of January and the beginning of February mark two very special birthdays in our family.  Anna turned 7 and Grace turned 4.  Because, thanks to Covid, almost everything is being done on line, I ordered a balloon delivery for both girls.  Anna's birthday was first, and I was actually at their house when they were delivered. 

It really is the small things when you are young.  She was delighted with these.  So much fun to see and be a part of her excitement. Because Gwen and Tim's family have all had Covid, Gwen decided to look into a "real" party for a few of Anna's friends.  Gwen found a trampoline park that actually has been renting out the entire facility for private parties.  So instead of a crazy, crowded and scary jump park, Anna and her friends and Lia, Ellie, and Zeke had the place to themselves.  It was a jumping great time on Anna's actual birthday!  

Even Tim got into the fun and it was so good to see the kids actually out and having fun.  There were just a few extra kids added to this party, and everyone had such a fun time.  It was a safe place with only 10 kids.  I am so thankful for birthday fun with the kids.

Grace's birthday was next.  I arranged for her balloons to arrive on her actual birthday.  Doug and Susie planned a Zoom party for Grace on the Saturday after her birthday. Since Susie is pregnant, the Zoom party is the safest option for their family.  Again, so thankful that there are options during this crazy pandemic!

Grace was just as excited about her balloons.  It was so fun to chat with her about her birthday.  I didn't get any pictures of her party, although I did "attend" the Zoom event.  It was so fun to get to "meet" her friends from preschool and to see how much all of her friends had grown in the last year.  I did get to visit with Grace one day last week and we played outside for a few minutes.  

Even though it was only around 12 degrees, we had a great time. Grace found lots of icicles and we made snow angels and climbed the snow hills.  Even a short visit does the soul good and I felt refreshed after spending these few minutes with Grace.  

The biggest news of the last couple of weeks - I managed to get my first Covid vaccine yesterday.

I really don't know how I got the appointment, other than to say it was clearly a God thing.  I had been trying to find open appointments over the past two weeks, even setting an alarm and waking at midnight to try to find available times within 50 miles of my house.  Although I am healthy, I am over 65 and therefor qualified for a vaccine.  Because of Susie's pregnancy, there is a bit more push for our family to get vaccinated before the baby comes.  I just happened to look at 11;30 in the morning one day, and there were appointments available less than 10 miles from my home.  I jumped on it, and got my appointment.   I am very thankful.  I haven't had any reaction at all after the first shot and will be counting the days until I can get the second shot - already scheduled for March 12.  

So that is what has been happening in our family these last couple of weeks.  For me personally, this has been a really great time of refocusing on the things that are really important.  I have been doing more Bible reading, more Bible study and also just spending more time away from Social Media, news, current events - well, you get the idea.  I have been working on some projects and also doing a jigsaw puzzle.  The most interesting thing, is my struggle around grieving.  I don't know exactly what I thought these months would look like after Ken's death, but this was not it.   There are no books/information about how to handle grief along with Covid.  Since I have promised total truth telling on this blog, the reality is that I have felt really settled and at peace during this time.  So much so, that I actually feel a bit guilty that I am not doing worse right now.  People expect that losing a partner of 46 years would send you into a tailspin.  But it has not been like that for me.  I think that Ken's illness' over the last three years has prepared me for this time.  While the last four months have had a lot of details to work through, it has not been traumatic.  I know that having my kids help and support has been a major part of the ease of this time.  Also not having financial concern brings things to a different place.  For these things I am so thankful.  Mostly, I know that being grounded in Jesus and having assurance of His care and provision has given me that peace I am feeling.  I know that every person has their own journey and their own grief experience.  If I have one piece of advice about grief, it would be to see each person as an individual and not to assume how they are doing.   I have felt that my current "peace and calm" is kind of hard for some people to deal with.  They don't know how to react when I tell them I am doing well.  As a matter of fact, a few people just assume I am lying about my feelings.   Honestly, other than the stress from Covid with making any plans to travel, I don't have much stress.  It is funny how this makes some people so uncomfortable.  I couldn't tell you what is ahead for me.  I really don't know.  But I am not alone in feeling this way.  Because all of us have more or less put our life on hold this last year, everyone is pretty much feeling the same way. Most of us just want some "normal".  The thing I have come to accept in the last months has been that normal doesn't exist anymore.  We are always moving forward and the past is in the past.  While we may resume more activities, we may travel, we may have more freedom to move around our communities, nothing will ever look like it was before Covid.  And that is good.  Each day is a new day.  Let's all just celebrate every new day with joy and thanksgiving. Then we will be filled with that peace that passes understanding.

Jesus, thank you for your constant presence with us.  Holy Spirit, keep our eyes trained on Jesus and our minds set on things above.  Remind us that we are in the world, not of the world.  Give us courage and boldness to continue to walk on in joy and thankfulness.  Give us grace with others who may not be in the same place as we are.  Help us to show your love, Jesus, to those around us.  Amen