Can't seem to blog when I have TOO MUCH TIME.....

I just realized that I haven't blogged for over a month.  And that just doesn't seem possible.  But in total truth telling, I have just plain not felt much like blogging or really doing much of anything.  This "stay at home" stuff has really done a number on my emotions and I know that I have been seriously depressed.  We have been in a "quarantine" situation since mid March.  At first, I completely understood and was willing to go along with this.  But then suddenly we were locked in place until April 30.  That was a hard pill to swallow.  The time had just been dragging by.  And then we learned that we were "sheltered in place" until at least May 30.  Both Ken and I lost it at this point.  We had not seen our kids for months.  We had not celebrated Easter with them.  And we had pretty much been in the house since January with Ken's illness.  We were simply done.  Our calls and Zoom meetings did not help at all.  In fact, it made me want to see and hug my dear ones even more.  To make things even harder during this time, Ken was struggling with serious anemia.  The doctors were pretty sure it was due to the effects of the Liver abscess that had caused his crisis in January/February.   After multiple blood transfusions and so many different blood tests, it was decided that he needed an iron infusion.  The hardest part of all of this was not actually SEEING the doctors.  Just talking to them on the phone really doesn't give you much confidence in their treatment plans (or lack of plans).  Everything is pretty much on hold if you don't have COVID-19.  I feel so terrible for other people who happen to have serious illness' during this time.  You can't really feel cared for or even heard, for that matter.  Thankfully, the iron infusion worked for Ken and his last blood test this week, his numbers were back to much closer to normal.  Which was a huge relief.  He has a repeat CAT scan coming up and we have a follow up with the liver specialist next week and we are praying that he will finally be done with this!  

I am thankful that Gwen and Tim and Doug and Susie sensed that we were just about to go over the edge, and they agreed that seeing the kids was just as important as "social distancing" and "staying at home" since our mental health was in jeopardy.  

We brought the kids their Easter Baskets and also got to tour Gwen and Tim's new house.  Yes, during the pandemic they bought a new house!  And they will be fully moving in a couple of weeks.  I told Gwen that after this visit, I felt like the knots that were my stomach had finally unraveled and I felt more normal for the first time in months.  

The next day we brought Grace her Easter Basket and we got to spend time with Doug and Susie and Grace.  Again, I was finally able to breathe out a bit.  I truly worry for so many people who have been isolated for these months and can't express just how this has effected them.  If we had waited much longer to see the kids, I feel like I might have just fallen into that very deep pit of despair that I might not have been able to climb out of.  

We finally got some nicer weather although last Sunday on Mother's day, May 9th, it snowed.  Yes real snow.  It just goes along with the all the other craziness about 2020.  Anyway, it was nice for a few days and Ken and I managed to clean up our yard and set up our outdoor screen house.  

We are grateful for a space to sit and enjoy the large park behind our house, without the worry of flies and bees and wasps.   We have some squirrels and chipmunks that live under our neighbors deck that provide hours of watching pleasure.  This year we also have a pair of bunnies that really like the space under our pine tree.  We often see them nibbling on the grass and watching us very carefully. 

This week we heard that our "shelter in place" will most likely be extended AGAIN until June 30.   We have been doing the very limited trips to the store, using grocery pick up, ordering food delivered, but we are just so ready to be able to go into a store and shop.  To go out for breakfast and sit and enjoy a great meal, served to us.  I need a haircut, badly!  I have taken the scissors to my hair several times, but it looks terrible.  To go to my small group meeting and actually SEE my dear friends. I miss gathering with my church and singing together.  Really, enough is enough.

 Nothing seems normal, nothing seem right.   

As I have been crying out to the Lord, seeking to be in His grace and peace during this time, it feels like there is so much shaking that all you can do is hold on for dear life.  It does not feel peaceful at all.  I have so appreciated Gwen's determination to hold our Bible Study on Zoom.  It has helped me to stay focused when everything around seems fuzzy.  This week I noticed a really amazing bright orange bird in our back yard.  I didn't manage to get a picture of him before he flew away.  I did a bit of research and discovered that it was most likely an Oriole of some kind.  I don't recall ever seeing a bird like this at our house in the 40 plus years we have lived here.  Over the next several days, I saw similar birds actually sitting on our Hummingbird feeders.  

And I witnessed them actually drinking out of them.  I finally captured this photo.  And I found out, that yes, Orioles actually DO drink the hummingbird syrup and there is actually a special feeder for them.  Sometime next week, an oriole feeder will be joining our hummingbird feeders!  The interesting thing about this was the word I heard from the Lord about this.  It was very clear that just as "unusual" as that oriole on that hummingbird feeder, so our "new normal" would be in the months ahead.  We might feel "out of place" and just like that big bird on that small perch, we might be shaky and uncertain.  But Jesus has been in all of this time of confusion and isolation and depression.  Jesus has been setting things in motion, bring things to light and clearing the way for everything that is ahead.  That big bird managed to get a drink out of that very small area. It was better than no food at all. Soon a more stable, better solution for him would be there.   And during this time, I have managed to get just enough contact with my "people" to keep me going.  Soon, very soon, this time would be over and things would become better.  Soon.

So for now, I am moving forward, day by day.  Some days better than others.  I am encouraged and hopeful for that SOON.  I will take a nice cup of coffee, out to my protected patio, and watch for more signs that Jesus has everything under control.  

Jesus, thank you for nature and spring that has brought a measure of hope and peace to us all.  Thank you that you are in charge, even when we can't see it in the natural.  Thank you for your presence with us even when we don't feel it.  Thank you for knowing that we would need encouragement and signs to help us stay the course when things were hard and shaky.  Holy Spirit, reach out to those that are isolated and alone.  Give them your peace and assurance of your love.  Amen 

Knowing what is really important during this pandemic

I got up this morning, took a shower and got dressed - in pajamas - for another day, at home.  It is April 1st.  I had no idea I would be STILL doing this routine in the month of April.  And there is now a pretty good chance that it could be just like this on May 1st also.  As usual, the coffee pot was calling me.  I keep a few Kcups close to the pot, but have my big box stashed in the cupboard.  I took out the last Kcup and went to the cupboard to refill by the pot.  My heart sank as I opened the door to the secret stash of goodness, when I realized IT WAS EMPTY!  I am now totally out of coffee.  While there are many other much worse problems in the world right now.... I AM OUT OF COFFEE!   Any other year, I would just hop in the car and run out to the store for all of the items that we are running low on.  But not this year.  Not with Covid-19.  Not with the shelter in place order. 

This has been a wild few weeks for most everyone.  Kids home from school, parents not working, trying to not lose our minds having to stay inside. Fear and worry.  Anxiety.  Concerns for finances.  All for an unseen tiny virus.   For Ken and I, well we have sort have been on this lock down since January 1st!  And, quite frankly, Ken is still dealing with health issues.  Those came to a head this week. 

Both Ken and I had "health emergencies" in the last week.  Ken had been losing energy and strength over the last few weeks.  I became concerned and we had a telephone visit with his doctors.  We decided that it was necessary that we go to the outpatient lab so Ken could have blood work done.We had been avoiding anything medical at all costs!  So, we ventured out for that, trying to stay away from everyone.  He had his blood taken, and then we waited to hear back from the doctor.  Just to make things interesting, out of the blue I got a serious nose bleed.  Think the worst bleed you could imagine.  After over an hour trying to control it, Ken called 911.  The paramedics came and thankfully, we got the bleed stopped after about an hour.  I seemed to be fine for a couple of days when I had another bleed that I could not stop.  So I decided that I had to go the ER.  Not what I wanted to do.  So Ken drove me to the ER and he stayed in the car.  They were able to stop the bleeding and determined that I had a serious sinus infection.  They applied medication high in my sinuses, packed my nose and gave me strong antibiotics.  Needless to say, Ken and I did not need this!  Then the very scary results of Ken's blood work came in and he needed to be admitted to the hospital for blood transfusions.  Because of the Covid-19, I was not allowed to see him during his stay.  It was a tense few days.  Ken got the blood he needed as well as numerous tests to rule out anything other than the liver infection that we know he has, as the cause of his low blood levels.  

As I was waiting for the call saying Ken was released from the hospital, I saw this robin right outside of our door.  I know that the bird saw me, but he/she was not the least concerned.  There must have been some tasty bugs or worm under those dry leaves, because that bird dug and dug for several minutes.  Robins are a sure sign that springtime is here and I surely needed that sign yesterday.  It has been a long, trying winter - not just for the Rowley household but for everyone.  

Then, as we were walking in the door, I noticed that our flowering crab apple tree has started to bud.  I was stopped in my tracks, looking at those little bursts of new life.  We all need a burst of new life.  

This pandemic thing is not over yet.  As a matter of fact, I am not so sure we are 1/2 through it.  But the most amazing thing is happening.  Spring has come and more than that, Jesus has risen!  

It will be sure be a Holy Week and Easter that we can not forget.  We will not be together with family and friends on Palm Sunday to wave branches and shout Hosanna!  We will not be gathering together around the table to celebrate the Last Supper.  Our Good Friday celebrations will be solo remembering of Jesus' sacrifice for us.  And our Easter will not include shouting together, "He is Risen" and "He is Risen Indeed"!    I was talking with Lia today about our family celebration that would not be happening on April 12.  It will happen, just on some date in the future.  I reminded Lia that Easter has not changed.  Jesus is alive and we will still be celebrating that on the 12th.  But we are much more in a position like the disciples on that first Easter.  They were locked in their rooms, fearing being called out as friends of Jesus.  That is until Mary arrived with the amazing news that Jesus had risen!  Then they all ran out to see for themselves.  

I am convinced that Jesus is using this time to prepare us.  He wants us to be ready to run out and tell the world that He has risen!  I am imagining what it will look like when all of these "shelter in place" orders are lifted.  I know that stores, the restaurants, the parks and the playgrounds will be filled with people.  It will certainly be a joy-filled time.  Families will be together and there will be hugs and kisses and so much food. Every crisis seems to bring out the best in people, and this pandemic is no different.  Neighbors are sharing food, strangers are helping each other.  So much good is happening amidst the danger. We need to hang on to this sharing and caring when this crisis ends. 

 We will need to be intentional, to remind ourselves that sharing is caring.  To think about our neighbors and not lose all that we have gained during this time.  It will take effort, but I know that we can accomplish this.  Beyond that, my prayer is that we not miss the chance to run out and share the Good News with the world that Jesus is the answer. Jesus is bigger and more powerful than the Corona virus.  He is the Savior.  He is the all in all.  This is the foundation of everything and the most important focus during this pandemic.  

So I will concentrate on keeping my focus on Jesus while "social distancing" and "sheltering in place".  I will remember that my neighbors are also suffering during this time and find ways to help.  And I will worship and praise and pray, remembering that although I may be alone in my home, I am joining a great cloud of witnesses.  I will celebrate, Jesus is risen!  He is risen indeed!

Jesus, thank you for loving us so much that you came and rescued us.  You are our comfort when we are scared.  You are the peace that still the storms around us.  Holy Spirit, grow us all during this time.  Bring us to new levels of your love.  Give us wisdom to stay safe and courage and boldness when we are released.  Thank you for springtime.  For all the signs of new life.  Amen