On to Christmas.....

It was really hard to think about preparing for Christmas.  I spent a great deal of time considering if I wanted to put a tree up this year.  We most likely will not have anyone at our house during this season.  We are planning to be at Gwen's for our family's Christmas this year.  And quite honestly, everything just seems sort of pointless this year.  It is hard to "celebrate" when you are grieving such an important loss.

I was thinking, once again, about my mom.

I know I have blogged about my mom and her Aunt Anna.  This picture was actually in my mom's photo album from her childhood.  I think my mom was high school age in this picture of her and Aunt Anna.  The reason that I was thinking about this picture, is that my Aunt Anna died on December 14, 1956.   I was just 2 years old.  My mom always told the story of Aunt Anna getting sick, being in the hospital around Christmas.  She always felt so sad that Aunt Anna had sent her home to be with me, and while she was gone, Aunt Anna died.  The funeral was in St. Paul, Minnesota (which was quite a long drive from Watertown, South Dakota).  My mom and dad left all of us kids at home (Jerry was in high school and I think that Karen was home from college for Christmas break) to go to the funeral.  Remember that this woman was really my mom's mother.  She was the only mother that my mom had known.  When my mom and dad returned from the funeral, they had to "do Christmas".  My mom had not done any shopping at all and she always said how very difficult it was that year.  Aunt Anna had purchased a very special coo-coo clock for my mom and dad that year for their Christmas present.  It was actually made in Germany, near the family's home.  That coo-coo clock was one of my mom's most treasured possessions.  For as many times as I heard my mom re-tell this story, I don't think I ever really appreciated it, until this year.  I really didn't understand how hard it is to be so sad when everyone else is so excited and happy.   In fact, when I was thinking about this, I remembered another day with my mom.  It was a hot summer day in Minnesota.  I was visiting my mom with Gwen and Doug (who were grade school aged).  We got to talking about the "family burial plot" in a large cemetery right in downtown St. Paul.  So we decided to drive there to visit that cemetery.  Needless to say, this was before GPS and internet directions.  My mom knew that it was in the shadow of the Minnesota Capitol.  And she knew that the church was across the street.  Off we went toward the Capitol.  I drove around up and down several streets, and then we saw a sign for the Cemetery.  It is one of those MASSIVE city cemeteries that covers blocks and blocks.  As we drove into the cemetery, I saw a change come over my mom's face.  It was as if suddenly, those funerals had just happened.  I had no idea where to go, so I just started driving.  My mom said, "go over there, by that fence.... no further up that hill..... yes....right there."  I parked the car and my mom got out.  She looked out over the fence at the steeple of the church and walked up the grassy hill.  She stopped and looked down, and yes, there were the markers of all of her family that are buried there.  I later realized just how surprising it was that we drove right up to this spot.  It is a maze of twisting and turning roads that all look very similar.  When I told my mom just how amazing this was, she said, "I will never forget standing by that fence, with the icy winter wind whipping my scarf and coat, during Aunt Anna's funeral.  I was keeping my eyes on that church steeple, and also looking at my mom's grave (she is buried close to Aunt Anna) and thinking about seeing them in heaven one day."  And just 8 months after Aunt Anna's funeral, my mom and dad would be back in that cemetery when my grandfather died.  I saw my mom actually shed tears that day in the cemetery.  Something that really never happened.  She was usually very stoic and rarely cried.  And I was thinking about that today.  

This is me with my sisters and brothers that Christmas in 1956.  Of course there was still Christmas in our house that year.  But I am sure it was different for my mom.  And I am sure it was very difficult for my grandfather (who had lost the sister who had rescued him and helped raise his children).  

So, I put up our Christmas tree yesterday.  And I placed all of those special ornaments on that tree. And I thought about Lucas, who is being lovingly cared for in heaven and missed so much here. My heart hurts and I feel helpless when I see the pain and emptiness in Doug and Susie's eyes.  But, like my mom, I will look up and hold on to hope, and think about seeing them all in heaven one day.  For now, that has to be enough.  

Jesus, thank you for helping me connect the past to the present.  You are my hope and my help during these times of great sadness.  Holy Spirit, help all of us to celebrate the amazing gift of Jesus, during this holiday season.  Comfort Susie and Doug as only you can, Holy Spirit. Help me keep my eyes on you, Jesus.   Amen

Preserving the past........

It's amazing to think of how things change - how different the landscape becomes with the passage of time.  Today I happened upon this photo.  I know EXACTLY where this picture was taken and the approximate year it was taken - about 1880.  This photo is of 165 W. Arch St. in St. Paul, Minnesota.  If you look at Google Maps for this address (by the way, what did we do before Google Earth satellite pictures?), you will see that address is now a railroad roundhouse! (Thanks to Chuggington - a kids program, I can recognize a railroad roundhouse, otherwise I would have simply said some kind of railroad station!)  This cute little house was built by my Great Grandfather, Ernst Toensing, when he arrived from Germany.  Quite an amazing house, complete with a picket fence, landscaping and part of the family in the picture.  The women holding the baby is my Great Grandmother, Clara Toensing.  She died in 1889.  The baby in the picture is my great aunt Lydia, who was born in 1880.  I have very clear memories of Aunt Lyd, as she was called.  When I was in first and second grade, after we had moved to St. Paul, we went to visit her in her "apartment".  That apartment was an "old age home".  She was in her early 80's and she loved when we visited.  She had a special place in her heart for my mom. Her daughter Jeanette, was my mom's favorite and closest cousin and they spent lots of time together. For me she was the closest thing I had to a grandmother, and I loved visiting her. She died in 1962 when I was 8 years old.  I am so glad that I got to know her.

Back to the house.  This house is very close to the Minnesota State Capitol.  As a matter of fact, you can see the capitol from this location.  One of the best things I did during the last years of my mom's life, was to take her on a road trip to this very location.  We found this spot and then we also went to see the church that her family attended, Zion Lutheran Church. (More about the church in a later blog)  We visited the cemetery, which is right across the road from the church, Oakland Cemetery.  My mom's family are all buried there, including her mom and dad as well as Clara Toensing from this picture.  At first this seemed like a really odd thing to do.  But now I am so glad that I visited this exact place with my mom and heard her memories of these places.  I would have lost much of this part of the family history if we had not taken that drive.  My mom told me that my Grandfather had carried my grandmother down that street several blocks to church for years because she was not well enough to walk.  She remembered her dad telling her about playing on that road and walking down to the church to go to school.  And then she talked of being at the funerals of her aunts and uncles buried in that family plot and remembering the funerals of Aunt Anna and also her dad.  As a matter of fact, the way we actually found the family plot was by driving around the very large cemetery until my mom recognized the view of the church.  She remembered standing looking at the church during the services.  And sure enough, when we got out to look, there was the plot.

So, why am I sharing this now?  Well, once again, I want to encourage you to share your family history with your children and grandchildren.  There is something powerful about knowing your roots.  And about understanding what makes your family unique.  I loved being able to share stories with Lia and Ellie and Zeke this weekend.  Just things from when their mom was little.  And also things from my life.  Lia and Ellie both remember my mom and this weekend, Lia asked me about my dad.  I don't think she has ever asked before.  It gave me a chance to tell her a little bit about my dad and Gwen.  I will be purposeful about telling them all more stories, as time goes on.  I loved being able to tell Lia and Ellie and Zeke that going to church on Sunday was something that had always been done in our family.  There is a connection in that fact that is super important.  It is about being a part of that Covenant family and seeing your Spiritual Heritage.  Today I am feeling blessed, once again, to have photo's from 1880 preserved for the generations.  I am feeling blessed that the Holy Spirit provided the way for me to gain information from my mom that I might never have had.  And I am so thankful for this blog, that is giving me a chance to share parts of my life, in the hope that it will encourage you to share with your own families. And as a further encouragement, if you can't tell the stories to your children and grandchildren......WRITE THEM DOWN!  It is never to late to start this. 

Jesus, thank you for family.  It is your great plan to bless us through our family.  Thank you for my family and the many ways you provided for my generations over the years.   Thank you for allowing me to share this with my mom and now sharing this with my children and grandchildren.  Holy Spirit would you encourage us all to be more purposeful in storytelling - the little things about our past that will bless and encourage and grow the faith of our children and grandchildren.  Thank you for reminding me of your provision to my generations.  Yahweh, thank you that you ARE my provision!  Amen