A time to celebrate Lucas....

Our family always chooses to gather together on Lucas' birthday to celebrate his life.  Each year that passes has been filled with everything you might expect.  There has been sadness and grief.  There have been questions with no answers.  And also times of great joy.  I have been asked many times over, why our family can't just "put this behind us" or "move on and let it be in the past".  My answer to those questions is simply that there is no right or wrong way to handle to death of a child in your family.  This is truly a club that no one wants to join and unless you have been there, you can not understand or know how you might react.  This year I was especially watching Grace during our time at the cemetery...

It was a truly beautiful day.  The trees were just rustling with the leaves that had not yet fallen.  At times, there was a shower of fall foliage.  It was quiet and comforting.  Grace was so happy to have all of her favorite people around her.  She seemed to just know that this was a special time.  I loved her gaze into the heavens that I happened to catch in this photo.  It was a sacred moment for sure. 

Back at Doug and Susie's house, we took pictures of all of the kids.  These pictures of all of our grandchildren together are always so special to me. 

This year we also took pictures of just Grace with Lucas bear and with Lucas' picture.  There were so many good shots of Grace, who is always willing to say "cheese" for pictures!  But this picture just took my breath away.....

Yes, Grace will know all about Lucas.  And I almost felt as if she was having her own conversation with him!  At one point Grace put her hand on the picture, as if she was connecting with him.  And she leaned over and gave Lucas bear a kiss and hug.  These are healing moments for this grandma.  There is peace in knowing that ALL of us, including Grace, will remember Lucas.  

So I want to say thank you to all of our friends and family, who give us room to celebrate and remember Lucas in whatever way we find comforting.  I encourage you to reach out to those you  might know who have lost a child.  Don't be afraid of causing pain or heartache by mentioning that lost child.  I can assure you, the family does not forgot!  

Four years seems like forever when standing at the cemetery.  Yet, in the timeline of eternity, it is just a small passing blib.  Looking back at Grace's face, turned up to heaven, with a look of pure bliss, reminds me to keep on looking at Jesus.  It is fitting that the seasons are changing and winter is upon us.  But one thing is certain, spring is just around the corner.  What a blessing it is to have the assurance that one day, we will all see Lucas again.  

Jesus, thank you for the joy and wonder of children.  Wrap your loving arms around all the families who have children that are gone too soon.  Holy Spirit, remind us all to be sensitive to those who are grieving in ways that seem unusual to us.  Give us all the comfort and peace of your promises and your presence.  Amen

Moments captured in clay....

I've been thinking about Lucas - and Doug and Susie - more than usual these last weeks, since October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. All you have to do is be on Social Media a short time and you will see dozens of stories of families impacted by this.   It seems everyone either personally or in their immediate family has had a loss.  Or they have friends or coworkers that have been touched by this tragedy.  Trust me, this is a club no one ever wants to join. When I was a just married young adult, we never heard about anyone losing babies.  It was a subject not shared or talked about.  How much better it is that now these families don't have to endure this loss alone.  

We are  coming up to Lucas' birthday on November 1st.  It is hard to believe that he would be four years old.  The years have slipped by but Lucas remains so much a part of our family.

Every time I am at Doug and Susie's house watching Grace, I pass by this shadow box, hanging in the stairwell of their home.  Each time I glance at it, I am taken back to some of the hardest, darkest moments I think I have ever experienced.  Those white very faint hand and foot prints in the middle of this frame are from Lucas Jacob.  And they remind me of one of those phone calls you never think you will ever make.  But then when the situation arises, you make that phone call.  Actually, this was just one of those calls in the long list of calls that must be made. 

Lucas was only 10 days old when he died.  Doug and Susie's house were filled with flowers, cards and gifts from his birth.  There were stacks of baby items from the showers that had not even been opened.  Among those items was a frame and clay packages to make foot prints of your baby.  Not something that you would have done in the first 10 days with a newborn.  When I looked at that package I knew that I needed to make that phone call.  So I took that package and called the funeral home and asked them to preserve these pressed in clay memories of Lucas for Doug and Susie.  I know that I didn't imagine the importance of that call.  Even today I can remember the kindness of the funeral director who greeted me when I brought the package over.  Everyone was so gracious and willing to complete this task for me.  What a blessing they were in this difficult time.

Susie completed this frame after Lucas' first birthday.  Those hand prints of Lia, Ellie, Zeke and Anna were made for that occasion.  It is such a fitting place for those small faint hand and footprints.  Lucas is surrounded by his cousins.  They are holding on to his memory.  Lucas will not be forgotten.  Lia, Ellie, Zeke and Anna have a part in bringing Lucas into the future along with our family.  They will help to share memories and stories of Lucas with Grace.  There is nothing better than seeing these cousins, loving being together. 

So this month is a bit bittersweet.  There is certainly remembering and sadness.  But there is also so much gratitude and joy.  I am thankful for Lucas and his place in our family.  I know that God has a destiny for our family and Lucas has a place in that destiny.  Even though we may not understand and still be filled with "why" questions, one thing is certain.  Jesus loves us all. No matter what the situation, no matter what the tragedy, nothing - not even death- can erase the love.  We can walk on, growing and changing, leaving a legacy of love in our footprints, holding memories in our hearts and sharing them in the years ahead.

Jesus, thank you for your great love for us.  Holy Spirit, help us to love even the most unlovable around us.  Keep us mindful of those that may need a helping hand today.  Jesus, touch those who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy or infant or child. Thank you for family and friends who surround us with love.  Amen

Time with "GRACE" .... but she is too young to be a guest blogger!

I just spent the last few days taking care of this little cutie while her mommy and daddy are on a much needed "adults only" getaway with some friends.  This is the first time I have been with her overnight and for a few days but as far as Grace was concerned, this was just like a normal day when Grandma Lyn is there.  The first couple of days was rain, rain and more rain.  The poor girl kept asking to go outside, but there was no way we could go out.  Even Sammy and Kylie (the dogs) had to be kicked outside when necessary!  But yesterday was a glorious return to summer with plenty of sunshine and warm temperatures.  So we spent the better part of the day outside, enjoying the time together.

The little water table that Grace is playing in was handed down from Lia, Ellie, Zeke and Anna!  It is a testament to just how well made some of those "Little Tykes" items are.  In spite of almost constant use in the Johnson household, this table is almost like new.  I remember seeing those kids play inside with it filled with rice and outside during every summer.  Now Grace will be enjoying it!  She is the perfect height for it right now.  Most of her "pouring" happened back into the table.  Needless to say, she was not happy when I told her it was time to go in for lunch!  As soon as her nap was over, she was standing by the door, pointing to her shoes and hat and she made a beeline to the table as soon as her feet hit the ground!

Being with her for several days (after not seeing her last week when I was with the older kids) she just seems so grown up.  She manages a spoon all by herself - even with Kix cereal!  And it melts this grandma's heart when she call out "Ga-ma"!  She is learning to say new words almost daily now.  What a blessing it is to be able to see, hold and hug this precious little one.  

Last week, in my few free days between "grandma time", I managed to finish my scrapbook for Grace.

I have made a book for each of my grandchildren that  includes pictures of their first year.  I try to include events that are important to me and pictures of Ken and I with them.  It is always hard to pare down the (way too many) pictures that I have taken and to just use my favorites.  It was hard to not compare this album to Lucas' album.  Until you experience the loss of a baby or child, I don't think you appreciate the fact that although they are not physically with your family, they are still very much a part of your family.  Lucas is so "present" at Doug and Susie's house.  Grace will grow up seeing and knowing all about Lucas.  His pictures are all around the house.   The fact is, no one in our family will ever "get over" the loss of Lucas.  We will always miss him and think about him.  And remember him.  His album is in the stack along with Lia, Ellie, Zeke, Anna and Grace's album.  

Watching Grace playing at the water table, pouring water from cup to bowl, was mesmerizing.  She never seemed to tire of this water play.  And the flowing water reminded me to my life verse...

(from the Passion Translation)  John 7:37

Jesus stood and shouted out to the crowds - "All of you thirsty ones, come to me!  Come to me and drink! Believe in me, so that rivers of living water will burst out from within you, flowing from your innermost being, just like the Scripture says!"

And there it is, the source of the grace and hope and joy and life that fill my days.  I honestly don't know how you can go on after a loss, without that source of living water filling you every day.  I am so thankful that Doug and Susie decided on Grace's name.  I can not imagine calling her anything else.   And I pray that she continues to grow into the goodness and generosity, beauty and joy that are a part of the meaning of the name Grace.   She is off to a great start!  

Jesus, thank you for time with  my grandchildren.  Help us all to slow down and take time to reflect and remember just how precious life is.  Thank you for leaving us physical things -- flowing water -- to draw our eyes back to what is really important.  Give us ears to hear the waterfalls.  Eyes to see the flowing water.  Hands to touch the coolness of the water. And hearts to receive all that you are speaking to us.  Amen