So far 2021 is not much different than 2020!

 Anyone who was hoping that 2021 would be a change from 2020, must be really disappointed.  Here we are a couple of weeks into the new year.  So far, not much is very different.  We are still in a pretty tight lock-down.  All of the resturaunts are closed for indoor dining.  Masks are required to go inside anywhere.  Stores have limited occupancy and you are counted as you go in and out.  Some of the kids are back in school but most are still doing distance learning.  It sure doesn't feel very "normal".  The only thing that has been sort of normal for me, is that I got to watch Ellie, Zeke and Anna last weekend when Gwen, Tim and Lia had a retreat for some student leaders.  The kids love coming to my house and having "sleepovers" and it was a really fun time.  

The kids had a fun time playing cards.  I played many, many games of war with them.  We watched a couple of movies and they got to go sledding on my "baby" hill.  It was especially fun to watch them play, since it brought back so many memories for me of Gwen and Doug doing the exact same thing.  Zeke decided that he was going to try to stand on the sled and "snowboard" down the hill.  After a few falls, he actually got quite good at it.  It was a much needed change of pace for me.  I'm not lying when I tell you I am pretty tired of the four walls inside my house.  I can not recall any other time when I have done so little for such a long time.  All of the kids made me promise that we could have sleepovers again in the near future.  I don't know who looks forward to these times more - the kids or me!

Grace and I stay connected through our video phone calls.  I love that she wants to talk to me and will share all about her day.  I had to include this photo.  Grace knows how to take a screen shot during our calls and takes MANY pictures and sends them to me.  On this day, Grace must have taken at least 10 shots and my eyes were closed in ALL of them!  Now that is real talent!  It doesn't totally take the place of being with her, but it is the best we can do for now.  We are all axiously awaiting the time when we can get the COVID vaccine.  I seems like it will be several weeks or even months before I am able to get mine.  We have about 20 weeks more until Baby Rowley makes his debut and the vaccine needs to happen before then for sure.  

For now, puzzles have been my escape.  I finally finished the one I have been working on for weeks.  It was a real doozy.  It might look easy, but it was one of those puzzles that had pieces that were so close and could be misplaced.  I ended up having to take out about 20 pieces to find the ones that had been put in the wrong place.  So thankful that I was able to finally finish it.  I confess, there were several times I almost just gave up when I had about 40 pieces left.  Glad I perservered.  

Part of my new years plan was to go back to my actual Bible for my daily reading.  I have been using my Bible app on my cell phone almost always.  Until I actually took out my Bible and started using it, I did not know how much I had missed it.  

I think this is the 4th Bible of this type that I have owned.  The date in the front says that I started using it on August 11, 2004.  You can see it is well worn.  I love all of the notes that I have written on the pages.  The first day I took it out I actually spent several hours just looking at all of my notes!  In my reading today I came across these verses...

This is from Isaiah 41 and what I saw was that note I wrote....He holds my hand!  And there it was, verse 13,,,

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 

Do not fear, I will help you.

I really needed those words!  This has been a troubling and unsettled time in our nation.  I can't think of a time that I more needed these words of assurance that God is my helper.  And that I don't need to fear.  What a great way begin a new year.  Going back to an old pattern.  Reading the Bible from an actual book that I hold in my hands.  And most importantly, actually reading the Bible.  If you don't have Bible reading as a part of your daily routine, I strongly encourage you to do so.  Even if you just download a Bible App and listen to a few verses a day.  The Word is living and active and you will find that each day, it is exactly what you need.  Considering the times we are in, every one of us needs this.

Jesus, thank you for times of joy and peace as we fellowship together.  Give us all courage to continue to perservere during this pandemic.  Holy Spirit, help us to look to Jesus during those times we are fearful or unsettled.  Remind us to go to your Word for truth and confidence that you reign.  Thank you Jesus for the wonder and love of children.  Amen

Our Christmas - finally! Ending 2020 and on into 2021!

The Rowley family Christmas happened yesterday and it was amazing!  If there is one thing that I have learned in 2020 it is that family is EVERYTHING!  This wonderful group was used to being together about once a month - that was until Covid hit.   During the last few weeks of Ken's life and then right after, the kids came together, in spite of Covid.  I honestly don't know who was happier to be together.  It was a full day of smiles all around.  The kids had such a fun time.  We all celebrated being able to sit together for a wonderful meal (thanks to Tim).  And this year (thanks to Gwen and Tim's new house and the weather) the kids had a blast sledding!  

I didn't get a good picture of Tim in all of his snow gear, but Doug came prepared!  Including Goggles! The kids had several saucers, some small tubes, a longer sled and a big tube.  They spent several hours going down Gwen and Tim's front yard.  Needless to say, it is a LONG hill but also filled with trees.  At one point Tim and Doug had a race down the hill and Gwen, Susie and I couldn't stop laughing.  It was just so much fun.  With this new wonderful property, there is no need to travel to a sledding hill.  And inside is just steps away with warmth and hot cocoa.   It certainly made for memories that will bring smiles in the days ahead.  

I have been planning a special present for the kids since shortly after Ken died.  There is a really amazing company called Project Repat that makes quilts out of T Shirts.  A few years ago I made quilts for Gwen and Tim and Doug and Susie from their stash of shirts from their younger years.  And I knew that I wanted to preserve Ken's shirts this way also.  Additionally, I decided to take all of Ken's Hawaian shirts and make a quilt for myself.  I love having it in my livingroom and I have so many memories of each of these shirts.   I had the idea that I also wanted to make a pillow for each of the kids with a photo of them with Ken and I and then use the shirt he was wearing in the photo as the back of the pillow. Thanks to a very large collection of  shirts, this was a fairly easy project. Here are the finished projects.

I have included a couple of the last pictures I have of Ken next to my quilt.  One with me that was taken on the Fourth of July and one during our tree removal in August.  The kids were so surprised and there were many tears all around the room when they opened their quilts and pillows.  Each of their quilts include a "photography" T shirt and a Christmas T shirt.  Most of the kids had their quilts over their laps and were hugging their pillows during the rest of the present opening.  It really felt like Ken was there with us during this kind of hard fist year without Ken.  

The kids had time to play with some of their new toys and we played a hilarious came of  Kids Against Maturity,  Tim, Ellie and Grace worked on a jig saw puzzle.  Anna and I were a team and I didn't get a picture of us, but we were playing!  Lia was the big winner at the end. 

The hours literally flew by.  The day ended much to soon for this grandma.  It was so life giving and such a great way to end 2020.  One of my presents from the Johnson's was the photo calendar I have been getting since 2007.  Usually this calendar includes pictures of our monthly get togethers.  But alas, this was not possible with the 2020 pictures.  Gwen and the kids decided they wanted a photo every month that includes Ken.  So each month I will have a new picture that includes a memory including Ken.  What a special present. 

I am so, so thankful.  While 2020 was challenging in so many ways, I am so thankful to be ending it feelling hopeful for the future.  Nobody ever "expects" to be widowed at 66.  But this is where I find myself.  I know that Jesus knows exactly where I am and there is plan for me in the years ahead.  Right now I am just walking day by day not looking to far into the future.  I have got myself on every list I can find in the hopes of getting a Covid vaccine as soon as possible. And my plan is to just keep on doing my best to stay safe.  This blog is very theraputic for me.  Every person who reads and likes these blogs, who leaves a comment or mentions to me that they have seen these posts is a treasure to me.  I could never thank you all enough.  I am praying that Jesus uses my words to bless others.  

Thank you Jesus for this year that ended in a time filled with laughter, tears, smiles and so many memories.  Holy Spirit, help us to all feel your presence with us as we walk into 2021.  Remind us to keep our eyes on you Jesus, and keep our hearts filled with gratitude and peace.  Thank you Jesus for your love and care for us in all things.  Amen  

Out with the old and in with the new.... and in with the old also!

 

Yesterday I  realized that my Keurig coffee pot had totally lost it.  Everytime after I made one cup of coffee, instead of shutting off and going to warm, it would begin to make a second cup of coffee.  I finally figured this out after finding coffee spills all over my counter.  It is really no surprise that this pot has bitten the dust since it was actually Ken's coffee pot at his work for several years.  I think we bought our original Keurigs in 2014.  We bought two - one for home and one for Ken's work.  After he retired, we stored this pot until our home unit quit working.  I think that was some time in 2018.  And, lets face it, 2020 was extra hard on this coffee pot!  Instead of one or two cups in the morning, I was making coffee ALL DAY!  So, I will be picking up my pot on Sunday morning - curbside, social distance pick up.  Until then, I am making coffee with TWO cups to avoid the counter situation.  I really think that this is a fitting way to end 2020.  Out with the old and in with new!  

Because my family is celebrating Christmas tomorrow (Yes, I know that it is 2021, but I am just thankful to be celebrating!) I have tried to stay in the Christmas spirit.  In my mail yesterday were several Christmas cards and letters.  Some of these were sent over three weeks ago - thanks Chicago area USPS!  I can't help feeling that I got those cards on exactly the right day.  I received a very special card and letter.

To catch you up, when my family moved to St. Paul in 1960, my very first friend was Sue.  She lived kind of kitty corner to us and we were only 6 month apart in age.  However because of the school cut off date, she was a year behind me in school.  We spent so many hours together and her mom was always my "go to" mom if I ever had a problem when my mom was at work.  Because my older siblings were in Junior High, our school hours were different.  When my mom left for work I would always go to Sue's house to wait until it was time for the bus.  I especially loved this because Sue had younger siblings and her mom would "let" me give the baby his bottle!  This was my first real time actually taking care of younger kids.  And I loved it so much.  Her family moved out of our neighborhood when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, but she lived close enough that we had many play dates and sleep overs.  We kept in touch via mail after I moved to the Chicago area.  We both married around the same time and our kids are also very similar ages.  In those busy child rearing years, we mostly communicated in yearly Christmas letters.  Since I was back in the Twin Cities often to see my mom and dad, we would often talk on the phone when I was there.  The last time I actually saw her was in 1987 when she drove to my mom's house to visit when the kids and I were visiting my mom. 

Our Christmas communitcation had kept us current with our jobs, our children and grand children.  In the last couple of years I have not sent out Christmas cards.  And I didn't receive a card from her for the last couple of years either.  I had actually been thinking about writing her letter this year, to share about Ken's death.  And then her card arrived yesterday.  Her husband passed away in January of 2019.  She gave me her phone number and said she would love to catch up.  We spent a wonderful couple of hours on the phone yesterday afternoon.  It is crazy how much we have in common.  If it were not for COVID we would have already been planning a trip to see each other.  What an amazing gift and a wonderful way to end 2020.  It was certainly bringing in the OLD to end the year!

I just can't get over how good Jesus is to bring these small bits of encouragement to us when we most need them.  Sue and I have so much shared childhood history.  It was interesting to hear some of her memories that I sure didn't remember!  More than anything else, I am hearing Jesus tell me that 2021 will be a year for me to connect with the past and to remember and record those memories.  I have known for many years that I have been called to write.  Hence this blog.  I began writing these blogs in 2013.  It hardly seems possible that I have been doing this for 7 years!  So I am going forward into 2021 with expectation for all that might be ahead.  Pretty sure that I can't imagine what 2021 will be like.  Yes, things will be different for me without Ken.  The last three years have been hard with Ken having so many health challenges  And then 2020 has been filled with Covid and everything that brought.   Not lying, I am  ready to have coffee with friends - actually at a cafe.  And I am so ready to be able to be with my small groups, not over zoom.  Mostly I am ready to be with my family and to give hugs and kisses whenever I want!  I want to not have to think about being "safe" when I get in the car.  But also I am more than ready for new adventures.  You can be sure I will be bringing you along for the ride!

Jesus, thank you so much for reconnecting me with old friends.  Help us all to look ahead with the assurance that you have carried us in the past and will continue to carry us into the future.  Holy Spirit, remind us how far we have come and then give us a vision for where you are bringing us in 2021. Fill us with your hope, your peace and your joy as we begin this new year.  Amen

Not your typical Christmas this year.....

In spite of Covid, I got to spend Christmas Eve with Gwen and Tim and the kids.  I have been basically staying home, except for seeing their family.  I was so thankful that it worked out for me to be with them this year.  With losing Ken, it would have been really hard for me to be alone - Covid or not.  

We are all quarentining right now so that our whole family, including Doug, Susie and Grace, can celebrate Christmas on January 2nd.  Something I am really looking forward to.  

We had a lovely dinner that included lighting the Advent candles.  I really enjoyed seeing the kids so excited for Christmas.  After dinner, we all went to church.  Gwen and Tim's church has been meeting with social distancing, masks worn, and special cleaning protocol.  I realized that being at the Christmas Eve candlelight service was the first time I have been in church since last Christmas.  That hardly seems possible.  But Ken was in the hospital and not well basically the entire three months that Covid wasn't an issue.  And then after that, everything was shut down.  Yes, this is certainly not a typical year.  

Even with masks, and the small number of people there, it was so wonderful.  Gwen actually sang which made the service even more special for me.  It was such a blessing to be able to do this.  

I spent Christmas day home alone, which was pretty normal for me.  I watched many movies, ate lots of junk food, worked on my jigsaw puzzle, and just enjoyed my decorations.  And since then, I have been quarentining so that we can have our family Christmas.  I've done many facetime calls with Grace and Doug and Susie.  I've talked to my sister several times.  And I've basically just been enjoying this time to do nothing.  

One of the hardest things for me in the last months has been figuring out what to eat.  I have sort of fallen into a pattern of eating a bigger meal at lunch time and then sort of snacking in the evening.  I was searching around for something to eat the other day and settled on this.  A favorite of my mom that always brings me back to so many times eating this with her.  Yes, peanut butter toast with hot cocoa.  This was my breakfast for many years growing up.  I couldn't count the number of times we ate this in the last years of her life. It was such a familiar and comforting meal.  As a matter of fact, I think I'll have this again!  

So, no, this was not anything like Christmas' in the past for me.  I don't think I could have imagined a year that was so different.  But yet, it was so normal and so familiar.  There was the excitement and joy of the kids.  There were the beautiful lights and decorations everywhere.  The music - oh how I love all the Christmas music.  And the candlelight service at church.  Yes, I am missing Ken.  And my mom.  But Christmas brings to the forefront the greatest gift we ever received - Jesus.  And because he came, death is no longer the end for us.  We can look forward to seeing our loved ones again one day.  And that is an amazing gift.  

My prayer is that all of you will find familiar things in the midst of this very non-typical year.  In spite of masks and social distancing and all things COVID, Christmas still came. Jesus has rescued us.  What a blast of hope and joy that brings.  This is a really good time to remember the end of the story.  Jesus is the King of kings and Lord of Lords and he reigns!  No matter what is going on, we can celebrate the Good News!  

Jesus, thank you for all the normal things in this not so normal year.  Thank you for being the light of the world that shatters the darkness.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your comfort for all of us walking through a not typical holiday season.  Thank you for peace and joy when it doesn't make much sense.  Help us all to keep our eyes on you Jesus, and to let go of fear and worry.  Amen

Some small bits of JOY through unexpected surprises!

I had many comments after my last blog from people who were really concerned about me.  I guess that I was just being honest that these months have been hard!  And while I do have moments of being lonely, the thing is, I think that because I was so honest in that last blog, this week it has been easier to not miss some really cool, unexpected surprises.  These surprises have brought me so much joy, so much peace. A really good way to go into Christmas week.

This extremely young looking couple is Ken and I.  I know this picture was taken around Christmas of 1972, just after Ken and I started dating.  I received this picture, along with 4 other photos that I had never seen, from the friend that actually introduced Ken and I.  Marie's Christmas card was such an unexpected surprise and certainly brought a smile to my face.  

Shortly after receiving Marie's card, I decided to start the Jigsaw puzzle that I had planned for Christmas week.  I bought two puzzles several weeks ago on a buy one/get one free sale.  I was picking up several other items that day and just grabbed these two puzzles off the rack without really looking closely at them.  

When I opened the puzzle, I didn't look very carefully at the box, mainly looking at the colors and the actual content of the puzzle.  And then I actually looked at the insert.....

I wish I could figure out how to highlight a portion of this.  This artist is from my place of birth - Watertown, South Dakota.  And there is not much that you can say about Watertown.  So Terry Redlin is quite a big deal.  It was such a reminder to me that Jesus knows exactly what we need, when we need it.  Again, a bit of joy from an unexpected place.  The puzzle is actually really hard and taking me so long to even get the border done.  But, I have plenty of time to work on it!

I had a grocery pick up order, something that has become just a part of my usual routine.  But this time, I received these added treats

There was a little bag with all these sample products which was such a surprise.  Kind of fun to try so many different products.  And then I realized that my bags also included that bag of Peppermint Bark.  I don't know why that candy made it into my bag, but it is my Christmas favorite and if I had been shopping in the stores, I would most certainly have purchased these.  But here it was, just a gift to me.  What a touch of joy.  

So my pickup order had a couple of items that were "not available", one of which was bread.  Bread is something that I really don't want to go without.  So I decided to go to the small local store that is right in my neighborhood.  I planned to only grab the bread and get out of the store.  As I was walking down the bread aisle, there to my surprise were these....

Needless to say, I bought all three boxes.  Tapioca is just one of those childhood things that I just love.  I ran out sometime in October and I have been looking and looking for tapioca all over the place.  I even had Gwen and Tim looking for me.  And then we discovered that there is actually a tapioca shortage that is partly caused by COVID but also my weather conditions where Tapioca is grown.  Who would have known that Tapioca could be so hard to find?   At any rate, I really needed this little burst of joy this week!  And the Tapioca pudding is chilling in the fridge right now.  

And then for the biggest bit of joy in an unexpected place.  I had decided to sponsor a child through Compassion International but was going to wait until after Christmas to actually go through the process.  I was awake during the night, unable to go back to sleep. (Nothing very new for me, and not a real concern).  At any rate, I decided to watch a few Vlogs that I follow.  One family Vlog is called "Our Tribe of Many" and I have followed them for quite awhile.  The dad is from Kenya and the mom is from the US.  They have ten kids and I love their perspective on life.  They have had a challenge since Thanksgiving to have their followers sponsor children through Compassion International.  The Vlog I watched, the mom mentioned that they had 91 children sponsored through their channel.  I decided right then to click the link on their bio and see about sponsoring a child to help them reach 100 children sponsored.   The first child that came up was this little boy...

I almost couldn't believe it when I started to read the information about this child.  First of all, he had been 464 days without a sponsor.  That is a long time.  And then I noticed his birthdate.  It is a very special day for our family.  That date is also the day that my grandson Lucas was born.  Such a special way to honor Lucas' memory.  And then I noticed that he lives in the Philippines.  I had just received an email that my Operation Christmas Child boxes had gone to the Philippines this year.  And those boxes are always done in honor of Lucas.  Needless to say, this was more than just a little prompt.  I hit the button and now can say that little Entoy is in my heart and prayers.  What a feeling of joy and so perfect for Christmas week.  

For sure, Jesus has shown me not to miss those small things that bring joy into us.  I feel so thankful for each of these ways that I felt the comfort and care of these unexpected and out of nowhere treats.  Getting those old photos brought a smile to my face and also the memories that each picture held.  And with each of these other small things, a smile filled my face.  So while I know that I will certainly still have times of loneliness and grief, I am feeling much more calm and settled.    

I've been thinking about this a lot today.  Isn't it funny how some silly little things can totally change your mood?  I just love that Jesus knew what I would need to shift my thinking and then there was provision for each of these surprises.  Isn't it wonderful that this season of surprises comes at the darkest time of the year?  Each year we get to celebrate the Light of the World coming to us as the biggest surprise ever.  As a tiny little baby, born in a stable and sleeping in a manger, Jesus brought "Joy To The World!"  And every year we get to join and sing and remember that joy.

Jesus, thank you for bringing us light at the darkest time of the year.  Holy Spirit, help us all to see those small little surprises that can raise our spirits and bring smiles to our faces.  Give us reminders to listen for your gentle nudges when there are ways that we might be the surprise bringers for those around us.  Thank you Jesus for showing your love through your life on earth.  Remind us to listen to the words of all of the familiar carols as we join in singing this Christmas.   Amen

Thankful for Ken - Part 8

 This was the first Christmas that Ken and I spent together.  It was 1972 and once again, I am so thankful that I have my photo albums right at hand to see these photos.  At this point we had been dating since August.  This photo was taken at my parent's house and Ken did not have any decorations at the place he was living.  He spent most of his time at our house when he wasn't working or sleeping.  Yes, I have been thinking about how very different this Christmas will be with Ken missing from all the photos.  

A couple of my favorite Christmas pictures are these two -  the first Christmas' of each of the kids. 

This was Christmas 1979 when Gwen was about7 months old. And that is Sheba, the dog that Ken and I had when Gwen was little.

 

And this is 1982 when Doug was about 9 months old and Gwen was 3 1/2.  Basically I always insisted on a photo with Ken and the kids at some point during Christmas.  I always took the kids pictures and it was not easy to get Ken to agree to a photo.  He was much better at taking the pictures rather than being in the pictures.  

And then I was thinking about the pictures from last Christmas.  We sure would never have thought that these would be the last Christmas pictures we would have.

 Everything about this Christmas seems just a bit off to me.  Of course, in addition to missing Ken, there is COVID thrown in the mix.  It is certainly not ideal to have a global pandemic, while dealing with the grief of losing your spouse.  But I am thankful that Ken has not had to deal with yet another shut down this fall.  He had such a hard time in the spring when the stores and the restaurants closed.   If there was one thing that Ken enjoyed, it was eating out.  He would have liked to eat out every day for breakfast, if I would have allowed it.  He had a series of favorite places and favorite foods that he missed when we were not able to eat out. While I miss eating out, it is not quite the same for me. 

One of Ken's favorite things about Christmas was going to the Messiah presentations.  If we did not go to a performance, he would always listen to one of the many recordings he owned. He would have been very sad that all concerts are canceled this year.   He loved all classical music and would often choose that over anything else to listen to.  It is certainly an odd "listening library" that he had!  Everything from Bach to the Beach Boys and the Beatles.  Classic Rock was also a favorite of his.  

One of the interesting things about Ken and Christmas is that he really didn't have any big family traditions that had happened every year for him.  His mom had many different types of trees and even different decorations most years.  So it was kind of hard for him that I wanted pretty much the same kind of Christmas that I had growing up.  However, when Ken's mom died and his dad moved to Florida, we found Ken's favorite tree in their attic and it became ours.  It was an aluminum tree in the original box from 1962.   

We had that tree for several years, but it was really a pain.  It was losing all of the little shreds of silver all over the house.  The last year we had the tree so much fell off that many of the branches were half empty.  Ken loved that tree so much.  And I think that the three years we used that tree were his favorite Christmas trees.  ,

My tree this year is just like the last 7 years.  There are many of Ken's decorations on the tree.  There is the pink bell that we got from Ken's Grandma Baker the first year we were married.  There are several musical instruments that had been on the tree when he was young.  There are more current favorites of his - Bob and Larry from Veggietales,  There is a RonJon ornament and a camera and motorcycle ornament.  It is very bittersweet sitting in my living room, looking around at Christmas that seems so normal, when everything is very much NOT normal.  

As Christmas gets closer, I am realizing that all the tasks of the last few months have been keeping me from "feeling" the loss.  I am incredibly thankful that I have managed to get most of the "business" of losing someone taken care of in these months.  But now that I am spending most of my time not doing much at all, the house seems very empty.  While I am being careful to spend some part of each day in useful tasks, the days are still very long.  And the weeks are longer still.  Certainly I will be very glad to move into 2021 with the hope that life will get easier in the months ahead.  

I have been listening to Christmas music - of course.  It is interesting how the words can hit you so differently depending on your own circumstances.  Today I heard a rendition of O Come All Ye Faithful.  I'm not sure exactly who was singing this and/or what the actual name of this arrangement was, but it included he line "Sing choirs of angels, sing with exaltation, sing all that are in heaven around God's throne."  I searched today and I couldn't find this exact arrangement anywhere, but I know that I heard it!   I was instantly thinking about Ken and so many others, who are there today, around the throne.  It was just what I needed today to bring a smile to my face. I love that Jesus knows exactly what we need, every minute of every day.  For so many people, Christmas is hard.  There are so many losses and so many lonely people.  So many people are having a really hard time being away from people.  People in masks seem "faceless" and it is hard to connect when you can't really "read" what people are thinking.  I know that Jesus is nudging me to make sure that when I do go out (safely, wearing a mask and social distanced) that I go a bit slower.  And in that slowing down, Jesus is encouraging me to look people in the eyes and to make sure and smile with my eyes.  It is possible to connect even from a safe distance.   When I am alone (or just feeling lonely), I will hang on to the words I heard today (even if they weren't really there) and remember that great cloud of witnesses who are there before the throne.  And I can join them in singing "O Come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord!"

Jesus, thank you for all the great memories I have of Ken.  Thank you so much for the gift today of the reminder of the joy before your throne.  Holy Spirit, give us grace and courage to keep on each day of this pandemic.  Fill us with your hope, Jesus, that we are walking through this and are not in this place forever.  Thank you for family and friends who help us remember what is really important.  Thank you Jesus.  Amen

 

 

Thankful for Ken -Part 7

 In the previous blogs I have written about Ken, I mentioned some of the travel that we have done.  I also shared about Ken's trip to Japan.  I have kept a pretty accurate "vacation journal" and there are 47 entries over the 48 years that Ken and I were together.  That seems like an "annual" vacation, but in reality, there were many years when our kids were young that we did not take vacations.  We simply did not have the money to make trips.  During those years, I did take the kids to my mom's almost every August, but Ken did not come with us.  And these family visits are not included in the count of "vacations".  

Our first real family vacation was in 1987 when we traveled to Minnesota with the kids and went to my family lake home with my mom.  As a side trip, we went to Itasca State Park and saw the headwaters of the Mississippi  River.  Doug was finally doing better physically and we had a really great time.  The interesting part of this trip was that Ken rode his motorcycle to Lake Maud and the kids and I took the train to my mom's house and then drove with her to the lake.  

Ken took several motorcycle vacations without us during those years, including several trips to various motorcycle races that included tent camping.  He also took a couple of driving trips by himself - one to "Four Corners" and one to Denver.  At the time I was working and using all of my vacation time for Doug's illness' and doctor visits and to visit with my mom.  

Our first BIG family vacation was in 1993 when we took the kids to California.  We went to LA and did Disneyland and also went to San Diego to the Zoo.  Ken was able to piggyback this trip to a work trip and it was so much fun. 

The next year we took the kids to Florida.  We did the Disney World experience that included staying on the Disney property.  We had a really amazing 4 days there that included visiting 4 parks.  

After Disney we took the kids to Cocoa Beach.  It was our first ever time at this location and we loved it.  Doug spent hours in the water on a Boogie Board.  We also took the kids to the NASA Space Center and they were not impressed.  Needless to say, Ken and I were very disappointed at their lack of enthusiasm about all things space.  

We then drove to the Gulf side of Florida and stayed at St Pete's Beach.  Ken really wanted to take the kids to Nokomis on this trip, but we just didn't have time.  That was one of Ken's biggest regrets.  For all the times that we went to Florida we only took two trips to Florida with the kids.  And this was the closest we ever got to bringing them to see Casey Key.  He always regretted never experiencing his favorite spot with the kids.  That is one more reason that we really need to plan our family time to honor Ken and spread his ashes at that spot.  ALL of us!  

I think that has been on my mind so much over the last three months.  I have been so aware of all the things that we hold as "regrets".  I have began to think about my own regrets and make a plan to settle these things!  Some things you just can't go back and fix.  But, just as in this case, Ken could have been clear about his feelings on this, and I am sure that the kids would have done their best to help him satisfy this strong desire.  

Webster's defines regret at "feelings of sadness and disappointment over a missed opportunity". I really like that.  It is especially difficult when you have a regret and there is no way to fix it.  When the opportunity is lost forever.  I have come to realize that regret is the biggest part of grief.  Each of the regrets that I have that include Ken can never be changed.  I often find myself saying "I really regret that......."  As I have been working through these feelings, I have been able to let go of many of these regrets and also begun to separate the regrets into those that I will never be able to fix and those that I can make right in the future.  And that process has brought me a great deal of peace.  Most of that process is about forgiveness,  Being able to forgive others and yourself either for things done or not done.  Such a good exercise. And in my experience, we just hold on to regrets instead of taking care of things.  

I hope this is an encouragement to all of you to stop and think about these things.  Those little niggling things that you regret.  Remember that in some cases, you just need to forgive to not have these regrets hiding somewhere, waiting to resurface.  The amount of peace and joy that comes from this process is worth it.  

Forgiveness is such an amazing thing.  When you forgive someone else, you really free yourself!   We are told in the Lord's prayer to forgive others as we have been forgiven.  And we have been forgiven with no strings attached.  Freely, unconditionally, without any action on our part.  So my prayer is that as you think about regrets, you freely give forgiveness.  To yourself and to others.  And in doing that, you will find freedom and love and peace and joy.  

Jesus, thank you so much for reminding me of your unbelievable forgiveness - when I sure didn't deserve it.  Holy Spirit, bring to our minds those deeply hidden regrets that are weighing down our spirits.  Give us all courage and boldness to face these regrets and to walk through the process to find the deepest places of your love for us.  Thank you Jesus for being with me as I navigate this grief process.  Help us all to keep our eyes on you Jesus and to feel your love for us.  Amen