Amazing couple of hours - seeing into the past and getting perspective

This little drive holds my family movies that my dad took - starting in 1937.  Sometime towards the end of my moms life, my brother Jerry had converted the movies to  VHS tape and had my mom voice over narration to add as much information as she could.  He gave each of us siblings copies of these tapes.  I haven't had a VHS player in my house for a number of years and the tapes have just been sitting on my shelf.  I finally decided to have the tapes converted into digital format, thinking that maybe someday, someone would have an interest in these.  I picked up this little thumb drive this morning.

I was not prepared for the emotions that flooded over me.  I know that I have seen these before, but I don't think I was as interested in my ancestors as I am now.  I have always realized that I missed out on knowing most of my cousins well since I am the youngest of a large number of first cousins (17 on my dads side and 16 on my moms side) and most were grown and married before I was born. I was much closer in age to my cousins kids than my cousins.   Both my mom and my dad were the youngest sibling, and I am the youngest sibling.  In pretty typical fashion, the majority of the first few years of film were of my sister Karen as a baby and young child.  Yes, the first kids always has way more pictures than any subsequent child.  But in addition to the family movies, my dad filmed many trips he took for work. His travel took him through South Dakota and he has footage of the building of Mount Rushmore.  Here is a still photo he took at the same time.

 Also included is footage from the 1939 Worlds Fair in San Francisco, California.  My parents and their friends made the drive from South Dakota in September of 1939 and it includes a blizzard that they faced driving through the mountains of California on the way home.  The Golden Gate Bridge was only a year old when they drove across it.  They visited a zoo and saw "wild" animals that they had only seen in pictures.  Elephants, Zebras, Giraffes, swans, and many other animals in small cages.  Yet it is easy to forget how very blessed we are to have access to so much.  The cars and trucks and even the roads are so interesting.  My dad made several trips to Yellowstone and there are several photos of Old Faithful from a very close viewing point.  Not anything like today, for sure!  

Seeing these movies of my mom and dad, my sister Karen and so many relatives that are gone certainly made me emotional.  Seeing my dad's mom and dad and all of my aunts and uncles and cousins, really gave me pause.  I am so thankful for Facebook today.  I know that there is so much divide in our country right now and social media is often where that conflict is most evident.  For me - today at least- I am thankful for each of the relatives that I have on my friends list.  Some of these cousins I don't even remember meeting!  Yet today, I saw them as kids, playing on the farm, driving tractors or playing ball.  I saw them running around having a snowball fight one Christmas Day at their grandparents house (I think it might have been 1938 since Karen was a baby).  I saw family events happen before my eyes - my grandparents, Axel and Betty Johnson, celebrate their 50th Wedding Anniversary.  My brother Jerry was the youngest grandchild at that event.  Seeing movies is so much different than just seeing a photo.  I watched my grandma Johnson scoop Karen into her arms and give her a kiss.  Such a grandma thing to do. Seeing my mom's dad and aunt Anna and all my mom's sisters and their families was just as special.  

I was watching those cousins playing, and hearing my mom rattle off their names, I thought of the ones on Facebook.  I shot off a short message to my cousin Jo on messenger, telling her I was thinking of her after watching these old wonders.  She responded to me "I have always wished I could see the movies he (my dad) made when we were kids, even though I seem to remember we always tried to run away when he took them!"  I now know that I need to get these duplicated (at least the family part) and off to the cousins!  These are just too special to not share. 

But as I mulled over the years of  events, the picnics, the parties, the graduations... I realized something.  I am not really a part of these movies.  The first shots of me are at my first Christmas.  And I appear in several Christmas' after that.  But, by the time I was 6, I had been "replaced" by my mom and dads first grandchildren - Karen's kids.  There are movies of Amy learning to walk and Amy and Nancy riding my tricycle and swinging on my swing.  Do I sound a bit bitter here?  I think it just has cemented something that I knew in my mind - but in a visual way.  It was hard having parents who were Grandma Nona and Grandpa Harry for as long as I remember.  

I never could understand why my siblings said I was so spoiled.  My life was different than theirs.  They had a stay-at-home mom who made them hot lunch everyday when they walked home from school.  I was a latch key kid with a working mom from the time I was in 1st grade.  I rode a bus to school.  I was often home alone for hours at a time.  During those years my dad was gone for work for weeks at a time.  And my mom often worked hours of overtime.  Greg and Julie were in Jr. High/High School by the time mom worked.  As a matter of fact, Julie had already started working herself.  I know that this was as hard on my mom as it was on me.  She often talked about how much she regretted having to work for financial reasons.  By the time I was in 8th grade, we moved to the Chicago area.  What that meant for me was distance from all of my relatives - except for a couple of weeks in the summer at the Lake.  Even distance from my siblings.  By the time I was in high school, Karen was in Kansas City, Mo, Jerry was in St. Paul, MN, Julie was in Montana, and Greg was in Thailand in the Air Force.  So I don't feel like my life was "spoiled" - it was just very different than my siblings.  I had a a front row seat to my dad's deteriorating health as he approached retirement.  And I also watched my mom worry and fret about my dad.  Sadly, he only had a few active years in retirement before his health failed.   

Looking back now, I can see just how important my relationship to Jesus was.  One of my earliest memories is a dream I had about Easter.  I can still "see" this dream in my mind - that is how real it was.  Jesus and I were walking in a beautiful garden, down a winding path.  There were flowers and trees and birds everywhere I looked.  Jesus was holding my hand.  He told me that the Easter story was true - that he had died and come back to life.  And he encouraged me to tell everyone that I could that it was true.  He looked at me and said, "I will be with you always.  Don't be afraid".  When I think about this dream, I can still feel his hand holding mine.  When Jesus is with you, no matter how different or hard or scary your life experiences are, you not only survive you thrive.  Because of that dream, I never felt alone or scared. So in spite of a very different childhood than my siblings, I never felt deprived.  My mom and I developed a very close relationship in the years that it was mostly just us, when my dad traveled and my siblings were grown and far away.  Jesus' words to me in that dream have been a guiding force in my life. This blog is, in fact, part of those marching orders from Jesus.  A way to tell others that Jesus is alive, his story is true, he is with us and we don't have to be afraid.  

Seeing into the past through these movies, reflecting on all the emotions that came with that, and capping off the experience with the TRUTH that Jesus has a plan and purpose for each of our lives, brings this blog (and my emotions) full circle.   We are all who we are today, not only because of our own experiences, but also those who came before us..  All of that, shapes how we live today and how we walk into the future.  I am so thankful that my dad purchased that "newest and greatest" invention when he bought that movie camera in 1938. My mom and dad loved their extended family and celebrated life together.   What a treasure it is to actually SEE your heritage on the screen.  Now I understand a bit better why spending time with my family is so important to me.

Jesus, thank you so much for bringing me through this period of reflection.  Holy Spirit, remind everyone reading this, that there is a plan and purpose for their life that doesn't depend on circumstances.  Give us all your eyes to see our past.  Give us courage and boldness to walk into the future, even when things seem so unsettled.  Thank you Jesus for your love and your guidance.  Amen

What is a "Mission Trip" like in 2020?

Since nothing is like it has always been, this year Gwen and Tim's mission trip with the youth from their church was a "local" experience.  So instead of a 8 or 9 day trip, it was only a three day experience.  That meant that my time with the kids was also short and sweet.  Ellie was very aware of the shortness of this time, since this was her last time as a "kid" and assuming that things go better next year, she will be old enough to attend the mission trip with Gwen and Tim (and Lia of course.)  Since 2009 this has been a special time for me to really be with the kids 24/7.  It is always a meaningful time and I look forward to it every year.  Zeke had a list of all the activities that he wanted us to cram into the three days.  We MOSTLY finished the list.  Going down by the lake on their property was on the list and something that I did not want to miss.  

 

We visited several fast food restaurants, which usually would have included a Playplace visit.  Not this year.   We also visited a new favorite of the kids that they call the Teepee.  It is actually a chocolate shop that sells ice cream.  Due to the very hot weather and the rapidly melting ice cream, I didn't get any photos there.  But it was a treat for all of us.  In kind of a "you couldn't have planned this is you tried" event, Gwen and Tim and the entire mission trip drove by the Teepee and saw the kids sitting outside eating their ice cream.  Zeke thought it was really cool that his mom and dad had driven by right when we were sitting there.  Gotta love those "coincidences!"  We visited several playgrounds, including what the kids call "The Big Park".

We also went to the "Fake Grass" park twice!  This is fairly close to their house and it does have astro turf under all the playground equipment.  Really interesting! 

And best of all for Zeke, I drove him to the "skate park".  He used his scooter and did really well.  Most of the kids at this park were older, but they were all friendly and helpful.  It was a good experience.  Now Zeke would like to back there all the time! Ellie and Anna scootered around the top edge, but still had fun.  

In the hours we had at home there was plenty to do.  We spent hours in the pool and the kids spent lots of time on the trampoline and the tractor.  I spent as much time as I could floating in the pool and my tan lines are the proof.    I love the water and this was a real vacation for me.  

The kids all play together so well and they made up a Charade kind of game with clues that I wrote (and drew since Anna can't read yet).  It was a laugh filled couple of hours and so much fun!  They took turns acting out the clues.  I can't believe how creative they are and how good they were at guessing each other!  We also played many, many games of Farkel, which was new to me! They are a game playing family for sure.  

Part of this time always includes us praying for the Mission Trip and all that they might be experiencing and the people they would help.  This year was easier since the kids knew exactly where the group was and knew what they would be doing each day.  Gwen always prepares some treats for the kids and this year was no different.  Again, Ellie was very aware that this was her last time on this side of the trip.

These sticker by number books included in the daily gift,  provided hours of quite activity to even out all the physical activities of the day.  The three days went by so fast, especially since the mission trip came to the house on the evening of day two for swimming, smores and singing.  Watching Tim prepare a meal (with the kids help) for some 30 people was amazing. Such a great experience to get to watch this group of teens and young adults, playing and eating together and then praying and worshiping to end the night.  I loved seeing how they just included Ellie, Zeke and Anna in the activities.  

Gwen didn't know if there would even be any interest in a "stay at home" mission trip.  It was interesting to see that they actually had to cap the number of kids that could come.  The kids served by helping at a local food pantry, they prayer walked the town that their church is in,  they did weeding and lawn care at several locations, and they worked at a ministry that sends donated medical supplies around the world.  They studied about social justice and talked about what it really means to serve others.  Certainly a meaningful three days for everyone.

During one of the times that Ellie, Zeke and Anna and I were just talking and sharing, they asked me what my favorite Bible story was.  It was hard to give them just one, but I settled on "the widow's mite" story.  I remember reading this in my first Bible and thinking about the meaning behind this story.  I told the kids that this story touched me because I knew that my family was not rich.  So knowing that God welcomes the smallest offering, brought me peace.  Zeke said (after much thought) that his favorite Bible story was about the Crucifixion and he especially liked that the veil was torn when Jesus died.  He said that he liked this because it meant that we could come close to God again.  I thought that was pretty good theology for a nine year old!   Anna liked Daniel and the lion's den.  Ellie and I had a long conversation about satan and the armor of God.  This of course led to the kids singing "Stomp on the Devil" one of their favorite songs.  

I always tell Gwen that this is my "mission trip" each year.  It allows Gwen and Tim to share with a new generation what Jesus did and said about serving others.  Gwen is now the  NextGen Director at her church - a title that is very fitting.  Working with babies, toddlers, children, teens and young adults, this new title encompasses them all.  Watching the group laughing and talking together after a tiring day of service gave me just a glimpse of the impact Boulder (youth program) and Rock (children's program) are having.  Sitting in the background, listening to their worship, was amazing.  When the mission trip group left to go back to the church, I realized that I had a renewed sense of hope.  Let's face it, 2020 has done a number on all of us.  It is hard to have faith and trust when everything is so uncertain.  And it is also hard to hang on to hope when things look so dark in the world.  I really needed these three days and I really needed that dose of hope.  You never know where or when the Holy Spirit will send that shot just when you least expect it.  Thank you Gwen, Tim, leaders, and kids.  Thank you Holy Spirit!

Jesus, thank you for knowing that we all forget you are with us always.  Holy Spirit, thank you for bringing that reminder that God has everything under control, even when it might not look good in the natural.  Help us all to watch and listen for those times when you are speaking to us.  Thank you for the energy and stamina and creativity of children.   Thank you Jesus for hope, peace and joy.  Amen

What happens in 2020 to a dance recital....

 I never thought I would get to see these sweet girls perform their dance recital for 2020.  But thanks to a wonderful studio, Grayslake Dance Connection, I got to experience something truly wonderful.  

The recital was held outdoors, and boy did a lot of people pray for the weather.  It was a cool, cloudy couple of days - something not expected for August 1st.  There was appropriate social distancing, and everyone wore masks - even outside.  But it was so worth it.  

First up was Anna.  She had both a tap dance and a jazz dance.  

It was amazing to watch these young kids, who had only had Zoom classes since March, get up there and dance their hearts out - even wearing masks.  You would never have guessed that they only had one short in person practice before this event.  I was so proud of Anna.

Next Ellie had two dances - a lyrical and a ballet.  Zoom classes have been extra challenging for Ellie but you would never have known it watching her dance.  She has worked so hard and it showed as she came to life with her groups.  

This was Lia's eleventh dance recital.  When you see the pictures below you will understand just how much time and effort Lia puts into dance.  She loves it and you can tell with every routine that she does.  In addition to her "regular" classes (jazz, tap, ballet, lyrical) she is in a special group called Spotlight (tap and jazz) and she also is a student teacher and the student teachers did a jazz dance.  I honestly don't know how she learns and remembers all of these dances.   

Yes, those are Lego bricks!  The Spotlight Performance was all from the Lego Movie.  I was so impressed by all the dancers.  You would never have imagined that the studio could pull off such a great performance during a global pandemic.  There is so much love in that studio.  The teachers, the owner, the student teachers, the dancers and all the families that sacrifice to get their kids involved in dance.  I was thinking back to the very first time I actually came to this dance studio.   I brought Lia to a class when she was three years old.  On that first day I heard a phrase that I have heard over and over.  "Miss Bridget says, "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit!"   

Well, Miss Bridget (the owner of the dance studio) certainly followed her own advice.  She took a terrible situation of a pandemic with total shut down and somehow managed to continue to teach kids complicated dances.  She has a talented group of teachers who followed her lead and reached out to all of the kids, encouraging them to keep practicing.  And then she managed to pull off an amazing show to allow the families of these dancers to see all that had been accomplished - in spite of 2020.   She rose to the occasion and showed us all that what we got was an incredible show.  Thank you Miss Bridget!  

Grayslake Dance Connection if you want to learn more about this studio, just click the link!

Jesus, thank you for people who love our kids as much as we do.  Thank you for your presence with us all that helps us to weather these trying times during situations that we could never have imagined.  Holy Spirit, continue to give all teachers creative ideas to keep our kids engaged and involved, in spite of social distancing.  Pour out your blessings on Dance Connection, Miss Bridget, and all the teachers as well as all the children and families.  Thank you for good weather and a great event.  Amen

Preserving memories - in a very different way!

Yesterday Ken and I hung this metal ring around the large initial "R" that we have had hanging on our wall for a long time.  Both of us were very surprised to see that it was exactly the right size and the spacing was exactly right with the other items on that wall.  This metal ring has special significance to us. I looked for an early picture of this ring (in its original form) and this was the best I could find.  Its from a late spring snowstorm in 1993.  You can see that the tree planted there is pretty little which means we most likely planted it in 1990 or 1991.  Take a look at the barrel the tree is planted in.  That metal ring on our wall is that very ring.

After this tree got way too large for this spot, we tried to move it to that spot in our back yard.  Sadly, this tree did not survive the move (which was somewhere around 2002).  So, we left the container and got another pine tree to plant in the wooden tub.  This is what that tree looked like before it was removed yesterday.  It was listing seriously to one side and had damage caused by the neighboring maple tree.  We were thankful to have it removed by our homeowners association at no cost to us.  

But if you look carefully, you can see that barrel at the base of the tree.

When they removed that tree, the barrel fell apart and they gave us the rings.  Thinking about the last 30 years that we have looked at that barrel, in one place or another, we decided that we really needed to keep it.  And it seemed to be a great idea when it fit so perfectly surround our R.  I am sure some people will think that this is taking this "preserving" thing a bit far, but I love it.  Isn't it funny how the smallest things can hold so many memories?

When I sit and look over at that ring, I am remembering all of the first day of school photos we took in front of this ring.  I can see Halloween pictures and graduation pictures and all kinds of other family pictures near that barrel.  I am so thankful that this ring survived the clearing of this tree.  

I've been thinking a great deal about what "memories" I will have to scrapbook when I finally catch up and scrap the year 2020.  I cringe when I look at my photos and realize just how few pictures I will have for this year.  We have had no family get togethers.  We did not celebrate Easter together.  We have missed birthdays and anniversaries and so many other events. And Ken has spent way too much time in the hospital during this year.   COVID has made for a very very small 2020 scrapbook.  I just haven't been able to even blog during these unending months of stay at home.  So my blog book for 2020 will also be extremely small.   I guess this is not such a bad thing, since who really wants to remember this year?

I love how this ring is surrounding our R.  As I was reading what I had just written, I was struck by the truth this ring represents.  Our entire family has been surrounded and protected during this year.  During all of Ken's illnesses and hospital stays, during the Pandemic and now during this time after his diagnosis.  Our protection is so much more than a metal ring.  It is the circle of God's presence with us and his powerful and loving care and concern for us that will not be shaken.  COVID can't change that.  Sickness can't take us out of his care.  Even being apart from each other for a time can't take us away from Him.  Jesus has been with us through these months of uncertainty and He will continue to walk with us into the future.   I love the reminder from Psalm 23 that we are walking THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death.  The key here is to just keep walking.

So, even as the COVID cases continue to rise in our area and things remain unsure, I will keep on walking forward.  That ring is a reminder for me and our family that we are not walking ahead alone.  It is a reminder for everyone that Jesus loves us and cares about our struggles and our worries.  He is right there to hold our hand and help us take another step forward.  Make a decision today to just take one more step.  For sure, you are not alone.

Jesus, thank you for the reminder that your love surrounds and guards us even when things seem so shaky and uncertain in the natural.  Holy Spirit, remind us of your loving presence when we are feeling fearful,  Restore our hope for the things that are ahead.  Give us courage to take that one more step today.  Thank you Jesus for family, friends and neighbors.  Amen

An unexpected bump in the road of life....it is 2020 after all!

Well, here we go again!  Ken has been in the hospital twice in the last week.  Thankfully we arrived home earlier today and he is feeling much better.  I know, you are thinking right now, what happened?  Again? This is not an easy answer, but one that will take a bit of an explanation.

After he had septic shock in January and was so sick, there was an ongoing discussion about a spot on his liver.  I believe that I have written about this before.  One doctor thought it was an abscess and one doctor thought it was a tumor.  The radiologist didn't want to do anything to look at the spot until further tests were done.  So, it was agreed that we would do monthly CAT scans to follow up.  The first month there was a decrease in the size of the spot.  We were thrilled.  This indicated that it most likely was an infection and the antibiotics were working.  Each month after that, the spot remained unchanged.  So after the 4th CAT scan, the two doctors decided that a biopsy was the best way to finally "see" exactly what this was.  So, last Friday (just one week ago)  Ken had a biopsy of this area.  After the biopsy was done, he had significant bleeding from his liver.  So they had to do an Hepatic angiogram and embolisze the bleeding areas of the liver.    Because he had lost so much blood he needed 5 units of blood and spent a night in the hospital.    We had several days of waiting for the results of the biopsy. When we finally received the news, sadly, it is liver cancer.  

The good news is that it is a very slow growing cancer and since January, Ken had been CAT scanned and MRI'd from head to toe and they have not found any other site of cancer.  We see the Oncologist on Tuesday and should have a better idea of how things are going to proceed after our visit with her.

We were just adjusting to the news of the cancer, when Ken began to run a high fever and had a wicked cough.  Now being that this is 2020, we feared he might have COVID (since he had just been in the hospital).  But thankfully it was not COVID (two negative tests in one week) but rather he had aspirated during the biopsy/angio procedures and gotten pneumonia.  So a few days of IV antibiotics and some further testing to make sure that was all that was going on, and here we are!  So thankful to be home today.  

Our first big THANKFULNESS of these events, is that the hospital policy changed the day of Ken's procedure last week and 2 visitors are allowed for each inpatient!  This is the first that any visitors have been allowed in the hospital since March.  This would have been so much harder if I could not be with him.  

There were two interesting items that were viewed out the window of his room. The first is this statue which is in a closed courtyard area.  All I could think about when I looked at this was "They are not social distancing"!  It's amazing how quickly we get used to not being close to or touching others.  It was also interesting for me to wear a mask all day since it was required of all visitors.  Something I never thought I would be doing for sure.

  

The second thing were these windows on the opposite side of the hospital.   The window in the top center of the picture is the room that Ken spent three weeks in Intensive Care in January/February.  That entire floor has become the COVID unit, along with the floor below.  The windows are open because there are negative pressure fans that are blowing all the air out of the rooms.  According to one worker, the units are very large and very loud in each room.  

Seeing these signs of the effect of COVID on an area that we were just in, was very sobering.  We are so thankful that Ken's illness happened before COVID was on the scene.  Gwen, Doug and I can't imagine what it would have been like to not be present during that time.  It certainly made our time spent "sheltered in place" at home seem more necessary.   The good news is,  this hospital has a very small number of COVID patients right now and many available beds.  This is why our area is able to move into phase 4 as of today.  Again THANKFUL!

So, sitting here at home, recounting the last week, I can't imagine what is ahead.  I know that today has enough worry of its own and I don't need to worry about tomorrow.  Lately, I have had to remind myself of this often.  We sure were not expecting a cancer diagnosis, but when is it ever an expected diagnosis.  We are so thankful for the team of Doctors that have been with us for years, that know Ken very well and don't have to page through mountains of documents to figure out what is going on.  These very talented (and I am sure, tired) doctors have made it a point to keep us fully informed.  We could not ask for better care.  

So we will walk into next week, knowing that Ken is at the best place he can be right now.  And most of all, we know that Jesus is with us, surrounding us and keeping us during this time.  Until the appointment  we will celebrate that restaurants are beginning to open near us and we might be able to have a nice breakfast INSIDE in a few days.  We will enjoy Morton Arboretum which has been opened to timed entry for the last few weeks.  A drive through the quiet tree lined paths is just what the doctor ordered.  And we just might watch a few good old comedy movies.  For today, we are just thankful!

Jesus, thank you for your real presence with us during all of 2020.  You were not taken by surprise when COVID came around.  Thank you for the doctors, nurses and all of the hospital workers who have served our communities under really trying circumstances.  Holy Spirit, keep us all mindful that God numbers our days and no one knows what lies ahead.  Thank you Jesus, for your protection for our family and friends.    Amen

What is going on in the world?

Just when you think that 2020 can't get anymore unbelievable, this past weekend happens.  We were celebrating our "partial" return to freedom, since our area just moved into "phase 3" of COVID response.  This would mean that most retail stores were open.  We could actually think about getting a hair cut.  We could actually shop for a few things that we have been talking about getting.  We could begin to think about meeting up with a few friends - of course that would mean social distancing.  And, for Ken, the most important thing - some restaurants would be open with outside seating.  So on Saturday we actually went to a couple of stores.  But it was a nice day and we got yard work done instead of more shopping or eating out.  On Sunday morning we decided to take my car (which had been sitting - not driven - for at least 3 months) only to discover that the battery was dead.  So our first stop on Sunday was to purchase a battery.  Ken installed the new battery and we drove the car around for few quick trips.  Later on Sunday afternoon, we decided to return the battery core to the store (you bring in the old battery and get some money back).  Now we had not been watching any news and had no idea what was going on in our area.  We drove right into the heart of the area with major protests happening, only to find all of the stores closed and police activity everywhere.  Our area now has a curfew and the demonstrations have us once again, pretty much with a stay at home order.  Sigh.   Let me tell you a bit about my story and how it relates to issues today.

When I was an elementary school kid my family lived on the east side of St. Paul, Minnesota.  I went to schools that were not really "neighborhood" since our subdivision had to be bused to the nearest school.  The east side of St. Paul was an older neighborhood and there was a great diversity in the population.  When I was in 7th grade I attended a Junior High that was actually housed in the old Harding High School building.  It was closer to downtown St. Paul and the kids who attended reflected the diversity of the community.  I had several black teachers, an Asian teacher and a Hispanic teacher.  I remember my mom being so surprised at the first conference she attended when she discovered that I had several black teachers.  I had never mentioned it and in fact,, I really didn't even notice it.  In the summer after my 7th grade year, we moved to the Chicago area.  I remember thinking that my school would probably be a lot like my old school, since I knew that Chicago had many black people.  I was very sadly mistaken.   My first day of 8th grade rolled around and by the end of the day, I was puzzled!  I couldn't understand why the entire school and in fact our entire town was only white people.  I remember asking my mom and dad about this and I was shocked to learn that our suburb was "White Only".  This was in 1967.   Sometime in the next couple of years, that law was changed and the first Black family to move into our town, lived just three houses away from us.  I remember some of my parents friends being really upset and talking about this.  My dad's perfect response was, "if they can afford to live here, why not!  As a matter of fact, they probably make much more money than I do."   I felt sorry for their daughter, who had to attend school as the only Black kid.  It must have been very hard for her.    The reason I am sharing this is because Ken and I made a very clear decision to find a home in a school district that would be more diverse.  In fact our neighborhood is a true melting pot and has remained so for the more than 40 years we have lived here.  Our kids had Black friends and Hispanic friends.  We had neighbors from Russia that napped their newborn outside in a "pram" when it was below zero!   Yes, it is a diverse neighborhood.

Now to the real story of the blog.  I love this picture for so many reasons.  I love the smile that is so big on Gwen's face.  I love her "red juice mustache"  and her not so straight mom-cut bangs.  Most of all, I love that Cabbage Patch Kid doll - "Kristie Christina" - that Gwen picked out by herself.  This was the era of the Cabbage Patch craze and they were impossible to come by.  The Christmas before this picture was taken I had not been able to find one for her.  In January, I entered a lottery drawing for a ticket to come to the store and pick out a doll when they became available.  It was around Valentine's day when I received the tickets in the mail and we went to the store.  Needless to say, Gwen was so excited to be able to decide which one she would "adopt".  They had the boxes lining the aisles of the store and she took a very long time to decide which baby would be hers.  She grabbed this box and declared loudly, "This is the one!"  I was just as excited as she was.  She carried the box lovingly to the check out counter and all was right with the world until we put the box down on the counter.  The clerk tried to insist that she put this black baby back and pick a more suitable one from  the other aisle.  I remember being so upset when I saw the hurt and pain on Gwen's face.  She wanted this doll and not any other.  I insisted that this was the perfect one and told the clerk to check it out immediately.  But a small piece of the joy of the moment was lost because of this women's own prejudices  I was stunned by the reaction and realize now that this was one of the first times I had ever experienced something like this.  This was a well loved doll for many years.

I know that there are so many sides to this issue of all the protests happening and the additional violence and property damage.  And I also know that, given my age and race, I really can't understand the feelings behind this.  I do know that every parent wants to do better with their kids and give them every chance to change the world for the better.  I really believe that  Ken and I were making choices with Gwen and Doug that would help them have an impact on their generation.  It makes me very sad to think that so little has changed in our world in my life time.  But I am encouraged by the determination I hear from Gwen and Tim and Doug and Susie to make sure that their kids help to make this world a better place, free from divisions and racial conflict. They do not shy away from talking about these hard issues with their kids and are always looking for ways to be part of the solution to this complex issue.

Most of all, I am so thankful that Jesus died for ALL!  His wonderful saving grace is for everyone.  I am thankful that the good news is for everyone and there is no difference what color your skin is.  It is always at times like these, that I am so grateful that God is in control of the entire situation.  It is a relief to know that I don't have to try to solve everything and/or try to fix it in my own strength.  In spite of the tensions right now, we can rest in His Word....

"You dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."      1 John 4:4

Jesus has not forgotten us or left us and Jesus will give us wisdom to understand and grace and courage to love even when we don't have answers.  If there is one thing I am sure of, church and Jesus are essential for all!

Jesus thank you that you knew about 2020 before the foundation of the world.  Thank you for bringing your peace into our hearts and minds Holy Spirit.  Give us continued wisdom to walk out these days with quarantines and continued violence and anger and fear all around us. Holy Spirit put your loving embrace around all those who have been hurt during these recent events.  Comfort those who have lost loved ones in the pandemic.  Give us courage to search our own hearts for any ways that are not of you Jesus.    Thank you for your forgiveness, your love and your salvation.  Amen

Can't seem to blog when I have TOO MUCH TIME.....

I just realized that I haven't blogged for over a month.  And that just doesn't seem possible.  But in total truth telling, I have just plain not felt much like blogging or really doing much of anything.  This "stay at home" stuff has really done a number on my emotions and I know that I have been seriously depressed.  We have been in a "quarantine" situation since mid March.  At first, I completely understood and was willing to go along with this.  But then suddenly we were locked in place until April 30.  That was a hard pill to swallow.  The time had just been dragging by.  And then we learned that we were "sheltered in place" until at least May 30.  Both Ken and I lost it at this point.  We had not seen our kids for months.  We had not celebrated Easter with them.  And we had pretty much been in the house since January with Ken's illness.  We were simply done.  Our calls and Zoom meetings did not help at all.  In fact, it made me want to see and hug my dear ones even more.  To make things even harder during this time, Ken was struggling with serious anemia.  The doctors were pretty sure it was due to the effects of the Liver abscess that had caused his crisis in January/February.   After multiple blood transfusions and so many different blood tests, it was decided that he needed an iron infusion.  The hardest part of all of this was not actually SEEING the doctors.  Just talking to them on the phone really doesn't give you much confidence in their treatment plans (or lack of plans).  Everything is pretty much on hold if you don't have COVID-19.  I feel so terrible for other people who happen to have serious illness' during this time.  You can't really feel cared for or even heard, for that matter.  Thankfully, the iron infusion worked for Ken and his last blood test this week, his numbers were back to much closer to normal.  Which was a huge relief.  He has a repeat CAT scan coming up and we have a follow up with the liver specialist next week and we are praying that he will finally be done with this!  

I am thankful that Gwen and Tim and Doug and Susie sensed that we were just about to go over the edge, and they agreed that seeing the kids was just as important as "social distancing" and "staying at home" since our mental health was in jeopardy.  

We brought the kids their Easter Baskets and also got to tour Gwen and Tim's new house.  Yes, during the pandemic they bought a new house!  And they will be fully moving in a couple of weeks.  I told Gwen that after this visit, I felt like the knots that were my stomach had finally unraveled and I felt more normal for the first time in months.  

The next day we brought Grace her Easter Basket and we got to spend time with Doug and Susie and Grace.  Again, I was finally able to breathe out a bit.  I truly worry for so many people who have been isolated for these months and can't express just how this has effected them.  If we had waited much longer to see the kids, I feel like I might have just fallen into that very deep pit of despair that I might not have been able to climb out of.  

We finally got some nicer weather although last Sunday on Mother's day, May 9th, it snowed.  Yes real snow.  It just goes along with the all the other craziness about 2020.  Anyway, it was nice for a few days and Ken and I managed to clean up our yard and set up our outdoor screen house.  

We are grateful for a space to sit and enjoy the large park behind our house, without the worry of flies and bees and wasps.   We have some squirrels and chipmunks that live under our neighbors deck that provide hours of watching pleasure.  This year we also have a pair of bunnies that really like the space under our pine tree.  We often see them nibbling on the grass and watching us very carefully. 

This week we heard that our "shelter in place" will most likely be extended AGAIN until June 30.   We have been doing the very limited trips to the store, using grocery pick up, ordering food delivered, but we are just so ready to be able to go into a store and shop.  To go out for breakfast and sit and enjoy a great meal, served to us.  I need a haircut, badly!  I have taken the scissors to my hair several times, but it looks terrible.  To go to my small group meeting and actually SEE my dear friends. I miss gathering with my church and singing together.  Really, enough is enough.

 Nothing seems normal, nothing seem right.   

As I have been crying out to the Lord, seeking to be in His grace and peace during this time, it feels like there is so much shaking that all you can do is hold on for dear life.  It does not feel peaceful at all.  I have so appreciated Gwen's determination to hold our Bible Study on Zoom.  It has helped me to stay focused when everything around seems fuzzy.  This week I noticed a really amazing bright orange bird in our back yard.  I didn't manage to get a picture of him before he flew away.  I did a bit of research and discovered that it was most likely an Oriole of some kind.  I don't recall ever seeing a bird like this at our house in the 40 plus years we have lived here.  Over the next several days, I saw similar birds actually sitting on our Hummingbird feeders.  

And I witnessed them actually drinking out of them.  I finally captured this photo.  And I found out, that yes, Orioles actually DO drink the hummingbird syrup and there is actually a special feeder for them.  Sometime next week, an oriole feeder will be joining our hummingbird feeders!  The interesting thing about this was the word I heard from the Lord about this.  It was very clear that just as "unusual" as that oriole on that hummingbird feeder, so our "new normal" would be in the months ahead.  We might feel "out of place" and just like that big bird on that small perch, we might be shaky and uncertain.  But Jesus has been in all of this time of confusion and isolation and depression.  Jesus has been setting things in motion, bring things to light and clearing the way for everything that is ahead.  That big bird managed to get a drink out of that very small area. It was better than no food at all. Soon a more stable, better solution for him would be there.   And during this time, I have managed to get just enough contact with my "people" to keep me going.  Soon, very soon, this time would be over and things would become better.  Soon.

So for now, I am moving forward, day by day.  Some days better than others.  I am encouraged and hopeful for that SOON.  I will take a nice cup of coffee, out to my protected patio, and watch for more signs that Jesus has everything under control.  

Jesus, thank you for nature and spring that has brought a measure of hope and peace to us all.  Thank you that you are in charge, even when we can't see it in the natural.  Thank you for your presence with us even when we don't feel it.  Thank you for knowing that we would need encouragement and signs to help us stay the course when things were hard and shaky.  Holy Spirit, reach out to those that are isolated and alone.  Give them your peace and assurance of your love.  Amen