Missing my mom......

My mom died six years ago today.  I never have to stop and figure out how many years it has been, since Zeke was born just a month after Mom died - actually on her birthday.  And since Zeke will soon be six years old - well, it must have been six years.  I was so blessed to have my mom for a long, long time.  She was almost 96 years old.  But I can tell you, it really doesn't matter HOW long - it is never long enough.   These last six years have had so many moments when I would have loved to talk to her.  To get her opinion.  Or to just laugh with her.  Our moms hold a special, special place in our hearts that is not easily filled by anyone else.  I actually took a picture of this photo which is in a scrapbook that I made for my mom.  This very "impromptu" picture was taken by my dad, as my mom and I were working on a holiday dinner in December of 1971.  My mom never liked our kitchen in this house.  It did not have much counter space and we were always trying to work in a very cramped little space.  In thinking back to that lack of working room, it may be why I am so comfortable in my own very small kitchen that doesn't have much counter space! I got used to it when working with my mom!   I love this very genuine smile on both our faces.  

I was searching through our scanned photos for a picture of me with my kids when they were teenagers.  I settled on this picture which was taken on Easter in 1999,  An interesting fact I have discovered -  I am not in very many pictures.  That is because I was usually the one TAKING the pictures at the events!  So it is hard to find pictures that include me with the kids.  Looking back at that picture of my mom and I, I realized just how important it is to keep taking pictures with our kids! I am so thankful that I have that picture of Mom and I and I am grateful to have this photo with both Gwen and Doug!  

Today at my small group, I mentioned that these weeks in April are a bit difficult for me.  During these weeks, my mother, father, sister, mother-in-law, and father-in-law all died.  And even when I KNOW that these dates are just days on a calendar, I still feel that melancholy heaviness trying to get me down during this time.  I am so thankful for the prayers of my friends today, that lifted that heaviness off of my heart.   I was thinking of just how fitting it is that Easter falls during these weeks this year.   It is a time when it is easy to fall into that sad/mourning time as we remember the events of Maundy Thursday and Good Friday.  I have always tried to imagine just how distraught the disciples must have been on that Saturday.  When their friend was gone and they could not begin to come up with a plan to go forward.  They had believed their teacher, but it was dark and cold and empty with his death.  But then Sunday morning came!!!  What an amazing, wondrous time that was. For us, even with the heaviness of Holy Week - we know that Sunday is on the way!  Jesus has risen! He is alive!

The best part of this is the reminder for me that Mom is in that amazing place right now, praising Jesus.   And she is with her mom - something that she longed for her entire life.  (Her mom died when she was only two years old)  And the happy news is that one day, I will see her again.  And that makes this day of missing her so much easier.    I know that I have blogged before about the song "In Christ Alone".   My mom loved this song after she heard it.  She said it told the whole story.  So once again, here is In Christ Alone in honor of my mom.  And it does really tell the entire story of Jesus.  

I just love this last stanza of this song. there is a message there for all of us. 

No guilt in life, no fear in death - this is the power of Christ in me.

From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand

Till He returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ, I'll Stand!

Jesus, thank you for powerful songs that tell us your story and help us share that story with others.  Thank you for the comfort you bring to all of us who are missing loved ones who have died.  Give us all the reminder of the hope we have in you, Jesus.  Amen

Another lesson learned from my mom.

So I was driving to my small group meeting this morning, and I started thinking about my mom.  It came to my mind because I was considering my current work "situation".  Truthfully, I have worked full time for most of my adult life.   With the exception of 3 years (after Gwen was born until just after Doug was born) I have been employed.  And even during those three years, I did in-home daycare.  I did have 6 years when I worked part time (30 hours a week) when my kids were in elementary school.  That is until the last year or so. What a blessing it is to have more freedom.  Time to attend Bible studies or small groups.  Time to spend with my grandchildren.  Time to just......be.   And then time to wonder exactly what I am supposed to be doing!!!!

My mom was mostly a stay at home mom.  That is until I came along.  She quit work when she got married and did not return to work until 1961 (when I was in first grade).  She loved being at home and always talked about making a hot lunch for my siblings when they came home from school.  I have amazing memories of being with her from ages 3-5 when we lived in Aberdeen, South Dakota.  She was a very active member of a group of women who played bridge one afternoon a week.  And I got to tag along and read books or color when they played cards.  She was also a "den mother" for my brothers Cub Scout pack.  I remember many trips to a hobby store to buy supplies for some wonderful craft (that I also got to participate in).  I also remember many days, just being at home with my mom.   And then she went to work full time.  Those were not wonderful years for me.  I was mostly left with my older brother, who did not want to be responsible for me.  From the middle of first grade through my seventh grade year, my mom worked.  And she worked LONG HOURS.  She left the house early and got home late.  I remember she was always tired.  And I know that she did not want to be working, but for financial reasons, she needed to work.

And then we moved to Chicago.  The very best thing (for me) about this move, was that my mom did not have to work any more!  WOW!!!  So for the rest of my "childhood" my mom was at home.  Okay......this is where I actually get to the point of this blog....... I was wondering what my mom actually DID at home during those years.  She was in her fifties and early sixties during those years.  We had just moved to Chicago and she didn't know anyone here.  She did not attend any church activities.  She did not even have a car for the first couple of years we lived here!  She could walk to a grocery store, but I mostly remember her going on Saturday when a car was available.  I know that she liked crossword puzzles and also liked to read.   My dad still traveled for his job a great deal and would often leave on Sunday night and not get home until Friday evening.  I started babysitting right after we got to Chicago and I would be gone often.   So what exactly did my mom do during the day?

Lately, Ken has been asking me that exact question. "What did you do today?"  It is really silly that I feel guilty when I don't have an immediate answer with a list of "valuable" things accomplished in the day.  But years of working has caused me to actually feel bad about just "being".   Today I realized that after those 7 years of working, my mom needed time to just BE!  She did not have to account for her time.  That is why I really didn't know what she did during the day and it never occurred to me to wonder about it until now!  Somehow I have been conditioned by the culture to question myself if I do not have something "meaningful" done on the three days I have free.   Honestly, I love having time to sit with a cup of coffee and not worry about having to be somewhere at a certain time.  I love being able to read for as long as I want.  This might be Scripture, or other people's blogs, or emails, or a good book.  I love sitting on the back patio and watching the birds and the chipmunks and squirrels.  When I do leave the house, I love that I can just stop at that store - the one that I never used to have time to just "browse".   I love that I can bake corn bread for dinner.  I love that I can cook dinners that take longer than 30 minutes.  Most of all, I love that I can attend my small group.  I can spend time in worship and prayer......NOT in my car!  And I can consider exactly what Jesus might have in store for me in the days ahead.

Yes, there are seasons in our life.  Times of work and times of rest.  Times when we are consumed by the needs of others and times when we can consider our own needs.  In every season the most important thing is time to spend with Jesus.  I am so thankful for my current "part time" work status, that has made this revelation possible.  And I am grateful for this important lesson learned from my mom!

Jesus, thank you for the reminder that you created the seasons of our life!  Holy Spirit, help us to have grace to just BE when you have provided the opportunity.  Jesus thank you for work and also for time away from work.  Thank you for time to consider what might be ahead for us, in your plan! And thank you for lessons we learn from our mothers! Amen

Missing my mom......still.....

I found this picture from 2002 of me and my mom.  I love how wonderful my mom looks in this picture.  She seems so vibrant and so "her"!  She has a cup of coffee in her hand and is sitting on a deck enjoying the outside air.  She looks happy and healthy.  This was 9 years before she died.  Yesterday marked four years since she died.  I have missed her all of those 4 years.  As I watch my own grandchildren grow and change, I think of how much she would have enjoyed them.  In a couple of weeks we will attend the wedding of the first of her great-grandchildren to get married.   Just a month ago there was a great-great grandchild born. (It's quite hard for me to imagine my sister has a great-grandchild!) I still have those moments when I think "I'll call mom" which just seems so silly.

I know last year I blogged about my less than wonderful April memories.  My mom died on April 12.  My mother-in-law died on April 15.  My dad died on April 19.  My grandmother died on April 21. My sister died on April 23.   Ken and I were talking about this yesterday, as I was remembering that it was the day that my mom had died.  And then, last night, we got a call from Ken's sister.  It seems that Ken's dad (who is 94) is not doing very well.  As a matter of fact, it seems that his time is most likely very short.  The first thought on my mind was "Not another APRIL death!"  But the truth is, he is more than ready to be out of this life.  And thanks to an amazing conversation I was able to have with him a few years ago, I am assured that he will be with Jesus when the time comes.  So, if it is April, it will be okay.

Over the last week I have been dreaming almost every night.  And I know that Jesus is trying to get my attention.  Several of the dreams had to do with mission trips.  More than one of the dreams were "repeat dreams".  A dream that I have had many times in the past.  In fact, one dream was so very vivid and clear that when I woke up, it took me a couple of minutes to realize that this had not really happened!

There has been so much "buzz" about this upcoming conference.  Just look at the line up of big name speakers.  I registered to attend this event on the first day that registration opened.  So, yes, I am going to be there.  I am slightly afraid of just how crowded it is going to be since everyone wants to be there!  I am sure that some of my dreams are related to this event.  For so long I have been feeling as if I have been in a holding pattern.  That there is something out there....right around the corner.  I am so ready for a change.  To be SURE and to KNOW that I am exactly where Jesus wants me to be.  It feels like I am stepping into a "new thing".  But after those dreams, it actually may be that I am just seeing the things that I have seen in my dreams, come into being.  So not really a NEW thing, but an expected and anticipated thing.  Please join me in praying for this conference.  Not just for the speakers, but for each person who attends.  Pray that each of us will have an encounter with Jesus and hear His voice.  

Jesus, thank you for my wonderful mom and all the years I  had with her.  Bring comfort and peace to Ken's dad during his final days.  Thank you for this upcoming conference.  Holy Spirit, bring every person to the event that needs to be there.  Give traveling mercies to all of the speakers and every person attending.  Thank you for dreams and vision and speaking to each of us.  Amen