The hardest transition I will ever face...

 It is very surreal to me that Ken has been gone for two and a half weeks.  In some ways it seems like a very long time, but then I will forget that he isn't in the next room.  I am so grateful for the kind and loving messages that all of our family has received.  We have felt surrounded and upheld by the cards, letters, messages and texts.   Mostly we have drawn together to walk through this transition. Gwen and Doug and Susie and Tim have been my rocks during this time. Over and over we heard..."Wow, that was so quick".  But in reality, it was a long process that, with hind sight, we can say was a two year decline.  Ken's last days were spent in our home, surrounded by family and friends, spending time outdoors, and looking at his prized photos hanging on the walls.  It was exactly what he wanted - no hospital, no tubes, not alone.  Gwen, Doug and I walked along side of him as he transitioned into eternity.  And now, I face the hardest transition I will ever face. After being together for 48 years, (married 46), it does feel a bit like losing part of myself.  

There are so many parts and pieces to the transition.  I have been incredibly busy in the these two and half weeks.  There are so many calls to be made.  So many things to organize.  So much clearing out.   I am so thankful that I have had the kids and grandkids around me to make things easier.  

Gwen and Susie brought the kids over and we began to go through some of Ken's things.  We all needed to take a walk outside in the beautiful fall weather and Gwen snapped this picture of the kids and I on the bridge over the creek in our backyard.  Being with the kids has certainly helped make this time better. I got to watch Grace at her house for a couple of hours.  It felt so normal.

Then last weekend, I got to spend time with Zeke and Anna while Gwen and Tim hosted, at their home, their fall retreat for the youth from their church.  It was extra fun because it was Doug and Susie's 9th Wedding Anniversary so the cousins got to spend some time together while Doug and Susie had an evening out. 

The remainder of the weekend Zeke, Anna and I spent lots of time enjoying the glorious Indian Summer weather at various parks.  We walked by the Fox River, we walked by the very big windmill and we played on lots of playgrounds.  The best part for the "sleepover" at my house.  

To finish out the weekend, I got to watch Grace on Monday because her school was closed for the holiday.  We had so much fun and it was very much a reminder of all the days I spent watching her.  She insisted on us having "circle time" where she was the teacher and she "read" a book to me.  Such a great way to spend time together.

So here I am, in the middle of this transition.  I have no idea how long this will be, whether or not the path will be straight or instead the road full of pot holes and twists and turns.  But I am sure of one thing -  Jesus is walking with me, right along side of me, through these changes. As I was writing this blog I was reminded of a song that Ken picked to be sung at our wedding.  It was not familiar to me at the time, but through the years, I have seen how Jesus has spoken to me through it.   Here are the lyrics to " You Will Never Walk Alone by Gerry the Pacemakers.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of the storm is a golden sky and the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain.  Though your dreams be tossed and broken.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone

You'll never walk alone.

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone.

I don't think Ken had any idea just how fitting this song was.  And what a great comfort it is to me now.  It is hope that carries me through.  Hope in Jesus and the knowing what is ahead in eternity.  Hope knowing that even through Ken is gone, Jesus is still beside me and walking with me.  Hope.  Hope in the transition.  

Jesus, thank you for every time that you have shown up and reminded me that I am not alone.  Thank you for family and friends and love that surrounds us all in times of loss and grief.   Holy Spirit, give us all peace during unsettled times.  Help us keep our eyes on you, Jesus.  Thank you for the hope in my heart.  Amen

Thankful for the OLD and the NEW!

This morning I said goodbye to my old friend.......this car!  I have been driving it since 2009 when we purchased it brand new.  It has been a wonderful car.  Ken and I have driven it on many vacations, I have driven it back and forth to Minnesota so many times I can't even count.  It was the car that I used to chauffeur the children that I nannied around to school and/or sports and other activities for over four years.  During those years, I put over 500 miles a week on this car.  So, even though it was only 6 1/2 years old, it had 129,000 miles on it!  After lots of discussion and looking ahead at our needs, we decided to BOTH get new cars that have good, long warranties.  Ken found exactly the car he was looking for.  It has a great warranty, good reviews, and we got an outstanding deal on it!

We will finally have room to transport almost anything that we would want to buy.  It will be so much more comfortable when we travel and we won't have to limit what we bring!  We drove around in this wonderful new car today and even though we were fumbling a bit with the different controls, it was so comfortable.  It is not too big and not too small..... it is just right!  

For a while I will be driving Ken's old car.  It just made more sense to trade mine in on this purchase.  It won't be very long and I will also have a new car.  Most likely before the end of the year.  Until then, I will be driving in a bit more luxury than I was used to.  Things like a back up camera and built in blue tooth for my phone! 

Yes, there are some things to be thankful for when considering getting a bit older!  Ken and I are thinking towards retirement in the years ahead and decided we did not want to worry about our cars.  Yes, there it is.....thinking about retirement.  WOW!  Just putting those words on paper is a bit overwhelming.  But it is also kind of exciting!  It just depends on your perspective.  Any change is hard and this change is especially difficult.  But I am determined to make our transition into retirement like this car upgrade. Thankful for the old and the new!  I will be thankful for the remaining working years AND I will be thankful for moving into retirement.  

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Most of us will be spending at least SOME time thinking about what we are thankful for.  Some of us will be actually talking about these things.  For some it might be difficult to feel thankful for anything.  I totally get that.  This has been a hard year for our family.  We were all reeling last year at Thanksgiving.... sort of numb from the loss of Lucas.  It was a lot of just getting through the holidays.  Going through the motions.  It was the prayers of so many that helped us navigate the waves of grief that often caught us unaware.  And it was the foundation of faith that kept us from falling over when those waves smacked us from every side.  So even in the numbness and the reeling we were thankful for the prayers and for Jesus and His constant presence with us.  

So I am heading into Thanksgiving feeling so thankful.  Thankful for the last year and all those who covered us and held us up with their prayers.  And I am thankful for Jesus.  And I am thankful for whatever is ahead!  Today I am especially thankful for a wonderful new car!

Jesus, thank you for your provision in all circumstances.  Holy Spirit, help us all to see beyond our troubles and concerns to recognize the blessings.  Jesus, transitions can be difficult so we need to see from your perspective.  Help us keep our eyes on you.   Thank you Jesus for a day to remember to be thankful for all that we have.  Thank you for family and food and health and home.  Amen

Times of transition - hard on us and others!

This picture is Doug's first day of Kindergarten and Gwen's first day of 3rd Grade in 1987.  I was thinking about this picture while waiting for the bus this morning with Ellie and Lia.  Ellie has just started Kindergarten and Lia is in 3rd Grade.  I had Zeke and Anna in a double jogging stroller.  This is quite an experience for this grandma!  It's been a long time since I went to a bus stop!  Ellie marched happily on the bus (after giving both Zeke and Anna a hug and a kiss) grabbing Lia's hand.  This is, in itself, pretty amazing since Ellie wasn't so sure she wanted to go to school.  After a week, she loves it.  All of these transitions are really a big deal and I don't think that we appreciate just how difficult it is for these little kids.  Zeke looked a bit sad as we walked back to the house after the bus drove away.  He wanted to know when he could go on that bus.  When I told him that he needed to be 5 he kept saying, "I'm 3!"  Don't think he really understood what I was saying.  Zeke and Ellie are great playmates.  Ellie always seem to include Zeke in whatever she is playing.  So without her, Zeke is a bit lost.  He found his cars and all his ramps and finally played happily for a long time.  Later Zeke managed to get Anna laughing and laughing.  They will be good buddies as she gets older. But boy was he missing Ellie!

Here's the thing about transitions.  They are rough on YOU but they also effect other people around you!  Ellie is having some trouble with this big adjustment to full day school, and Zeke is having problems because Ellie is not home anymore.  Isn't it true that when we are dealing with the stress and shaking that comes with changes, we are NOT thinking much about others and how they are effected.  Nope, it is usually all about us.  I believe that most, if not all, of my friends are in some kind of transition or time of stress right now.  There is a lot of shaking and uncertainty.  And because we are ALL in this, each of us are in some way touched by the stress of our friends.   This reminder today will cause me to have a bit more grace for those around me.  I'm going to take more time to consider how my transitions are making waves for others.  Of course, the first thing that comes to my mind is how Ken is being effected by me not working.  I am sure this has been just as rough on him.  But I am so thankful for him!  Last night, after working all day, (with a storm approaching), he replaced the brakes on my car!  Yep, he was out there on that hot driveway, covered with grease, just so that I would have a safe car to drive.  WOW!  That's all I can say about this.  I am very blessed.

Jesus, thank you for Ken and those new, noise free brakes on my car.  Thank you for the reminder that other people may be just as upset as we are with the transitions we are facing.  Holy Spirit, give us grace to be patient with ourselves and others.  Jesus, you are the rock and our stability when things are unstable around us.  Help us all to stand firm on you and hold fast to the truth that you are in control!  Amen