Thankful for Ken - Part Five

It has been such a good process for me to put together these blogs.  I have been able to think back on not only Ken's life, but my own life for the last 48 years.  I decided to post a bit of those years "by the numbers"  

First of all.... Cars.  Something that is important to most men.  As far as I could count (and I confess that I might have missed a couple along the way) Ken has had at least 32 cars since he started driving at 16 years old.  When I first met Ken he was riding a bicycle and did not have a car!  That changed when he got hit by a car while riding his bike home one night.  My dad insisted that we help Ken buy a car.  Which we did.  It was a  $100 car that we had to finance!  I can't remember what kind of car it was, but you needed to add oil every time you went anywhere.  But it was a car!  After Ken got a more steady job he was able to buy a better car - a Ford Torino which we actually had for around 3 years.  It was a manual transmission with the stick on the column.  I learned to drive a stick in this car. 

Here we are, on our wedding day, leaving for our honeymoon in that car.  We owned so many "beaters" that I am sure that I have missed a few in my count.  A couple of memorable ones include another $100 car we bought that was more rust than car.   But Ken was able to drive that car with few problems over an entire winter.  We also once owned a Volkswagen Rabbit that had no floor under the drivers feet.  We had covered it with cardboard, but you would have to raise your feet when driving through water.  It was interesting to say the least.  We had both kids at the time also.  We bought several brand new cars including three Ford Pintos and a Ford Maverick and then our Ford Escort. 

This Escort was a car that we bought when we really couldn't afford a new car.  Ken went to the dealer and asked for the "cheapest car on the lot".  They had this car to show how stripped down you could get an Escort.  It did not have carpet.  It was a stick shift.  Basic about describes this car.  You can see how young the kids were, yet both of them drove this car.  As a matter of fact, we gave this car to Gwen and Tim after they got married.  Tim drove that car and even today will tell you that he regrets trading it on a new car.   Ken's favorite car of all time was this one.

Like so many men, he always wanted a sports car - especially a convertible.  We bought this Miata used and had to have the top replaced immediately.  Ken had just made the really difficult decision to give up his motorcycle because he felt his reflexes where not as sharp as they had been.  He was riding to work, in traffic and I felt this was a good decision.  So I agreed that he could get this car which would be safer.  We had three cars for a number of years, but it was getting harder and harder for Ken to get in and out of this very small, very low little car.  He very reluctantly agreed to sell it.  

In the last weeks of his life, Ken was talking about buying a sports car.  He even went and looked at a few for sale.  I of course, was saying that we did not need another car.  He was also talking of wanting to buy another motorcycle.  Clearly cars and motorcycles were important to him.  I am thankful for the last car that Ken actually bought.  It was the first time that we owned an SUV - a bigger car that we could actually carry things in.  That is the car that I am currently driving and it is a great car.  I don't think I would have picked it, but Ken was clear that he wanted this particular vehicle.  It has been a good choice for us since it was easy for him to get in and out of in the last months of his life.  

As I was writing this blog, I began to see just how faithful God was to provide reliable transportation for us throughout the years.  Without these cars, we would not have been able to get to work.  And this is just a picture of all of the provision we had during some very lean years.  I continue to be so thankful for all of the years that Ken and I had together.  Of course I am sad that our time in retirement was so short.  But I know that Ken chose to live his life exactly as he wanted.  And it was some of his lifestyle choices that led to his earlier than necessary death.  

This is a great time of year for everyone to stop and look back at the path they have walked.  It is good to write down some of these facts, like how many cars you have owned, so that it is not lost for the future.  If there is one thing that COVID has done, it is that families are together and have time to talk and share.  Make good use of this time to tell these stories, to write them down.  You will be so glad that you did.  . 

 

Jesus, thank you for always providing for our family.  Holy Spirit, thank you for reminding me of these very important memories.  Jesus help me to see your care and provision as I go forward without Ken.  I am so grateful for this Advent season to think about and prepare for your coming to us.  

Thankful for Ken - Part 4

 While I understand that November is over and today is December, I have decided to continue sharing about Ken.  I am more convinced than ever that these stories are important (at least to our family) and have meaning even beyond that.  So much history is lost when people die without having memories saved in some way.  I have scrapbooks full of pictures and journals that tell the story of our life together after 1972.  My goal in sharing is to motivate you all to think of ways to tell your own stories so that they will not be lost.  Don't put this off.  Share them now!  Tell those stories verbally to your kids and grandkids, but more importantly, write them down.  Think about the stories that your parents told you and put those on paper.  We, as a society, have not done a good job of keeping our personal history for future generations.  Enough said.... on to my sharing for today.

After the last blog, I was thinking about some of Ken's best memories.  The stories that made him so happy to tell and retell.  This photo represents one of those cherished memories.  This is Ken getting a hair cut from his "Uncle Charlie".  Uncle Charlie was actually his mom's uncle. Charlie and Alva had a cabin in the Cooks Forest Pennsylvania and also had a home next door to Ken's grandparents in Nokomis Florida.  That cabin in the woods was the site of this haircut and so many great memories for Ken.  I never got to meet Charlie and Alva.  They were already living in an assisted living home by the time Ken and I got married.  On Ken's 21st birthday, his mom gave him a picture of this cabin that she had painted.  It hung in our hallway for many years.  The frame is broken and needs replacement now.  But Ken wanted Doug and Susie to have it. 

 On our last vacation in 2019, we went to Cook's Forest and tried to find the location of that cabin.  But with no real idea of where it was, we were not able to find it. Charlie and Alva were certainly like another set of grandparents for Ken.  Charlie and Alva had bought their home in Florida before Grandma and Grandpa Baker were retired, and many of the visits that Ken made to Casey Key before he was 8 were to visit Uncle Charlie and Aunt Alva.  Around 1960, Grandma and Grandpa Baker made Nokomis home and Ken became a regular visitor there.  

This picture was taken in 1976 and is Ken helping Grandma Baker clean up her palm tree.  Ken's mom is in the background.  The house is really Ken's very favorite place.  We recently drove by and the home is sadly not in very good shape anymore.  But it held so many great memories for Ken.  

After living in Ohio, Ken's parents moved to Pittsburg when Ken's dad took a new job there.  They only lived there about one and half years, but Ken often called Pittsburg home.  When we visited there in 2018, Ken was able to drive right up to their house and find his school with no problem!  

This was his one and only birthday in Pittsburg.  He never was much of a big sports fan, but he loved the Steelers and we have many hats to prove it.  

After that short time in Pittsburg, his family relocated to Russelville, KY.  Ken spent his entire Junior High years in this small, very southern town.  He loved the weather (warm year around with not much snow.  He said that one year they had 2" of snow and the town shut down).  He had a really good friend, John that he lost track of after moving to Illinois.   Something he always regretted.

During those years in Kentucky, Ken's parents purchased a lake lot on a nearby man-made lake, Lake Malone.  They also purchased a boat.  These were truly happy years for Ken.  He loved the lake and the boat.

One of our first driving vacations, we stopped in Russelville and revisted Ken's favorite spots.  We even kayaked on Lake Malone and found the lot that his parents had purchased.  It was truly beautiful.  In the last years I would often see Ken searching Zillow for property on Lake Malone.  It was a dream of his to someday own a house on that lake.

Of course after moving to Elk Grove, the lake lot and boat didn't make much sense.  They sold the lot first but kept the boat.  Anyone who lives around here knows that there is not a really good place to use a boat anywhere around Chicago (think small fishing boat, not a boat suitable for Lake Michigan).  His parents did keep it for a couple of years and they actually took one "camping trip" to Minnesota and Canada when Ken was about 15.  

His favorite memory of that trip was the fish that he caught while camping in Canada.  His parents were not really the camping sort, and shortly after that trip, they sold the boat.  Again, something that Ken always wanted, but we never had - a boat.  

As I was thinking of these blogs, I spent some time really trying to remember the memories that Ken held on to.  I think I have captured some of the stories and things about his life before we were together, that were important to him.  A few pictures and several paragraphs can't embody someone's life.  But it can give you a glimpse into a deeper part of a person that you might have only known casually.  Both Ken and I moved around as children, and we knew that it had impacted our childhoods.  So we did decide to stay rooted in one place.  Our kids only lived in one house growing up and I still live here! Whatever the reason, I am incredibly thankful for the years we have spent here in Warrenville.  And I am very thankful that Ken and I got to visit each of his childhood homes and I got to see and experience the places he lived.  We had plans to go to South Dakota and Minnesota in 2020 to visit each of my childhood homes, but illness and COVID intervened.  I can assure you that I intend to make that trip myself at some time in the future.  

If you haven't visited your childhood favorite places, I encourage you to do so!  Make plans now to take that trip - hopefully in 2021.  Look for those old pictures and make plans to call or write to (or Facebook message) those old friends.  Scrapbook and journal your memories.  Do it before it is too late.  Your children, your grandchildren, your friends and family will thank you.  

Jesus, thank you for your plan and purpose for each of us that you have known since before we were born.  Remind us of your presence with us during the good times and the hard times.  Holy Spirit, help us all to let go of the hurts and trouble from our past.  Jesus fill us with your love and surround us with your peace as we see the past with your perspective.  Give us renewed joy as we continue to walk through this challenging year.  Thank you Jesus for your love and care for each of us.  Amen

Thankful for Ken - Part 3

This picture is from Ken's graduation from Elk Grove High School in June of 1971.  While this was certainly an accomplishment for him, hidden behind that smile was a very, very sad guy.  Let me explain with an important story about Ken's high school years.

Ken's family moved  to Elk Grove Village, IL in August of 1967.  Interestingly enough, my own parents moved our family to Elk Grove Village, IL in August of 1967.  Even more interesting is that Ken and I lived only about two blocks apart during our high school years.  Ken actually was in the class of 1971 and I was in the class of 1972.  We had many common friends, but never dated during high school.  We actually didn't begin dating until August of 1972, after reconnecting at a good friends house (thanks Marie Liewehr Berberich). We finally married in May of 1974 and the rest is history.  Back to today's story......

One of the first friends that Ken made in Elk Grove was Arnold Abraham, who Ken always called "Abe".  Abe lived just a few blocks from Ken and they had many interests in common.  Both of them were AV geeks and were in the AV club at school.  Even though we went to the same school, our classes were HUGE, and I never knew Abe.  

I lifted these two pictures out of the 1970 Elk Grove High School year book.  Ken had regret that there were no pictures of him with Abe.  Abe and Ken had many, many adventures during those years.  They would frequently go into Chicago and I can only imagine what these trips included!  Remember this was the 60's and early 70's!  They went to many concerts and movies and parties.  Sadly, Abe is not one of the many high school friends that show up on my Facebook page.  Sometime during the 1970-71 school year, both Ken and Abe got sick.  Ken ended up spending almost two months in the hospital recovering from a really bad case of pneumonia.  Around the same time, Abe was diagnosed with leukemia.  Ken would visit him in the hospital as often as possible.  One thing is for sure, Ken's senior year was not what he expected.

These three painted plastic statues were one of Ken's most prized possessions.  They were given to him by Abe after he painted them while in the hospital.  They represented a special friendship that had been taken away.  Sadly Abe died in late May of 1971, just a few weeks before Ken's graduation.  The process of his death, the wake and the funeral, had an impact on how Ken felt about life, death and funerals the rest of his life.  

In my last blog I mentioned that Ken tried to go into the Navy as soon as he graduated.  Certainly Abe's death was a major part of that decision.  When that didn't work out, he felt very adrift.  He had no interest in going to college, mostly because of his dyslexia. School was very difficult for him.  He took a job working in the camera department of the brand new Marshal Fields store at Woodfield Mall.  He actually worked the day that Woodfield officially opened. I find it interesting that Ken's adult life began with cameras and it ended with cameras being the main thing on his mind.  

I have had some questions about the end of life decisions that Ken made.  My kids will tell you that Ken never went to wakes or funerals if there was any way to avoid it.  I usually ended up representing us at these times.   The first time I realized that Ken struggled with death was at his Grandpa Bakers funeral in 1976.  I knew that we needed to go, but Ken really didn't want to go.   I am very thankful that we did make that trip to Florida and it opened the door for me to really hear Ken's heart about loss and death.  Ken's choices as his health declined, were exactly what I expected.  He hated the hospital and would do anything to stay at home.  He didn't want any wake/funeral.  He wanted to make a difference for others, so he donated his body.  I am so thankful that in spite of his adoption, his early health issues, his struggles in school, and the loss of this close friend, that Ken took a risk on our marriage.  Although he never went to college, he had several fulfilling jobs and ended his work career doing something his loved.  

After our grandson Lucas died, Ken talked often with me about seeing him again in heaven.  That was really the first time that I felt that Ken really believed in eternal life that we have through Jesus.  This year on Lucas' birthday, I left a plaque at his graveside.   

I am thankful for Ken today.  Thankful that I can think about Ken doing what he so loved - taking pictures.  And knowing that those pictures will include Abe and they will also include Lucas.  

Jesus, thank you for the assurance that we have that our physical death is not the end.  Thank you for your promises of heaven and being with you there.  Holy Spirit, help each of us to work through the issues from our past that have followed us into the present.  Keep our hearts open to your healing love.  Thank you Jesus for your plan and destiny for each of us.  Amen

 

Thankful for Ken - Part 2

  So many people commented on my last blog!  I am so thankful for each person that reads these blogs.  As I stated in that post, I am really sharing a few of Ken's stories so that my kids and grands have a bit of a written history of some stories about Ken.  In the last blog I talked about how Ken became part of his adopted family.    Somewhere around 18 months, Ken started to have seizures.  And these were not just seizures.  He would actually stop breathing and would require oxygen and "help" to resume breathing. It wasn't exactly easy for his parents, and I can really relate to just how difficult it is to have a toddler with medical issues! Again, remember that I don't have any actual knowledge of this medical issue.  I am only relating the things I was told.  This first picture is significant because it was the day of his last ever seizure..... and Ken remembered it.  

During those early years, Ken's mom told me that she was afraid to go anywhere with Ken.  They really didn't know what was going on medically and he was taken to Columbus and Cleveland to different doctors and hospitals.  They had oxygen tanks at home and always brought them with when leaving the house.  It was a very stressful time for them, for sure.  After that last seizure he was put on Dilantin, a powerful anti-seizure medication and it eliminated his seizures.  He remained on several medications all through out his childhood.  He made the decision to go off of his medications at the age of 18 and he never had another seizure.

During this period of his childhood, his family lived in several houses in Wadsworth, Ohio.  He had wonderful memories of the various homes.  He remembered that they had birds as pets and they would often be in these windows.  

 In spite of the unknown sickness' Ken had a pretty normal childhood. He did struggle in school and as an adult, realized that he had dyslexia.  He came up with some pretty creative ways to be able to read and understand.  Small town life was good in the 50's and he talked of riding his bike all over Wadsworth.   Wadsworth was home until Ken was in 5th grade when the family moved to Pittsburg.  One of our favorite vacations was a visit back to Wadsworth.  We found all of his childhood homes, the schools and we visited this park.  He remembered spending so much time here! 

One of the hardest things for Ken, when Doug was sick as a baby, was not knowing his own health history.  There was always a niggling feeling that there might be some "inherited" reason for Doug's kidney and immune issues as a baby, toddler, preschooler.  Although Doug did not have a seizure issue, we never really knew if there was some connection to Ken's early health issues.  

Also, revolving around this health issue, was that Ken was rejected by the military!  After high school, Ken tried to enlist in the navy (think July 1971).  Yes, this was during Vietnam when so many were "draft dodging".  Ken felt totally healthy and so wanted to follow his dad's footsteps into the Navy. (His dad served in WWII).  He had numerous tests at that time to try to prove that he had no residual issues from that childhood seizure disorder, but the Navy still refused to let him enlist. That 4F draft card was really awful for Ken.  Getting that rejection was one of the pivotal things that followed Ken into his adulthood.   It was also terribly hard for Ken when we had to make the decision to have one of Doug's kidneys removed.  I remember he lamented for days that having one kidney would always make Doug not eligible for military service.  Truthfully,  this never entered my mind, since Doug being healthy was my end goal.  Ken didn't talk about this at all in the later years.  But I know that he always experienced a bit of regret and longing on Veterans Day and Fourth of July.  

Doing these blogs has reminded me just how important it is to keep your personal stories available for that time when you are no longer able to share them!  I think that heading into 2021 I will be starting a series of my own "growing up" stories!  And this is gentle reminder to all of you, that there is so much that you should be sharing with your family!  If this gets just one person to write down (journal) their own stories so that they are not lost to future generations, then I have accomplished something important through these blogs.   

Jesus, thank you for this opportunity to share a bit of Ken's life.  Holy Spirit, help us all to remember the importance of sharing our own history.  Jesus, I am especially grateful for the Bible - a collection of stories that reveal exactly who you are.  Holy Spirit, keep us mindful for your presence with us as we recall our own history.  Thank you Jesus for loving us!  Amen

Thankful for Ken.... part one

I have been thinking about telling a few of Ken's stories to have them actually archived and available for the kids and grand kids.  I might have shared a few over the years, but I am sure not all have been "in one place".  This has especially been on my mind since November is Adoption month and there have been many stories shared surrounding families impacted by adoption.  This is a bit of Ken's story, starting at the beginning.... and remember that I am writing from bits and pieces of information that I have been told over the years - by Ken himself, by his family, and from documents we have.  He was born on May 14, 1952 but this is the first picture of him.  It is dated June 9, 1952, with the name Jimmy Joe.  This is the photo that was presented to his mom and dad, asking them if they wanted to adopt this baby.  He was called Jimmy Joe after the two doctors who delivered him.  He had spent some time in an incubator (we really don't know much about why, except that he was very small).   His parents were delighted to have him join their family and he actually came home from the hospital at the age of 6 weeks, somewhere at the end of June, 1952.  

 

This is the first family photo we have of Ken with his sister Sue (who was 7 1/2 years old), and his mom and dad on one of the first days he was home.  Ken would have told you that he always knew that he was adopted so he didn't have any time when he was "told" about his past.  Over the years I heard many different stories about exactly how Ken came to be in his family and why he was placed for adoption.  One story was that he had many older siblings but his birth father had died and his mother could not care for him.  It was even suggested that his father might have died in the Korean War.  We were also told that he was in some way "biologically" connected to his adopted family through a distant cousin who might have some connection to this baby.  The facts were always very sketchy.  Ken's mom had a real fear that he might try to find his birth parents and because of this, Ken never wanted to know anything about his ancestry.  After his mom died in 009 and his dad was moving to Florida, we came across his adoption papers for the first time.  We saw that his birth name was "baby boy Ferguson".  This was the first actual clue we had about his heritage.  We knew that in 1952 most babies were placed in homes with similar backgrounds and genetic makeup.  So the idea that he was English and Irish (similar to his adoptive family) made sense.  Finding this name confirmed that possibility. A few years ago, after his dad died, I finally convinced Ken to do an Ancestry DNA test in the hopes of locating some information about his family.  He was mostly English and Scottish with some Irish.  While he matched to a few first and second cousins we really didn't get any further on finding his birth family.  More about my continued search in a future blog!

Ken was always close to his maternal Grandparents, Grandpa Les Baker and Grandma Versal Baker. His earliest memories almost always included them.  Beginning when Ken was a baby, the entire family would travel to Florida to Nokomis and Casey Key.  

This badly damaged photo was taken on May 14, 1954 on Ken's second birthday He is walking on Casey Key.  The second photo was taken in 1955.  

These pictures remind me of just how much Ken loved Casey Key and why he made it his final wish for his ashes to be scattered there.  On every trip we made to Florida, Ken always wanted to at least stop and visit this beach.  And for me, it is special  since it is the first "ocean" (okay it is really the Gulf but to me it was an ocean) that I ever saw.  We went to Florida in 1976 when Grandpa Baker died.  And these two pictures were taken on that same beach.

The next two photos are the last time we were together on Casey Key in January of 2019.  He loved this place so much and I will end with the picture of him doing what he loved most.... taking pictures of the place he loved most.

So many more stories to share.  Not surprising since we spent 48 years together.  But also, so many memories and thoughts that I don't want to lose.  I hope you come along with me over the next few weeks, as I remember more about Ken and what was important to him.  

Jesus, thank you for bringing Ken and I together in your master plan.  Thank you for photos and memories that help us stay connected to our past and also help us to see your hand in our life.  Holy Spirit, help us all to be thankful during this month of Thanksgiving.   Give us reminders of your love, your care and your provision in every season of our lives.  Jesus, keep our eyes on you rather than on our current circumstances.  Shower us with your peace and your love.  Amen

Walking through each day....into a new beginning.

 This past Sunday was really an awful weather day... it was only in the low 30's and there were 45 mile per hour winds.  The real feel temperature was 12 degrees.  COLD!  But it was also Lucas' 6th birthday.  Each year on his day, we gather as a family to remember and celebrate his life.  This year was very different, for many reasons.  I made the wooden heart above to leave at his grave.  Ken so missed Lucas and this year, they are together again.  Very different, yet comforting to know that Lucas and Ken are reunited.  And the weather.....so, so cold.  And then add to that, COVID!  Because of Covid and the ever increasing numbers in our counties, we decided it would be best to just meet at the cemetery, outside, social distanced and wearing masks.  Gwen and Tim decided to stay home for safety sake and will visit the cemetery at some point in the coming weeks.  The kids made a really cute birdfeeder.

It will be added to all of the memories near Lucas.  We took a few pictures, Grace collected some fallen leaves and then we retreated to our warm cars

It was not our usual family time to remember and celebrate the short time we had with Lucas.  But, for our family, nothing in 2020 has been "normal".  Ken's illnesses and death coupled with COVID have really been stressful for all of us.  

The kids have been so much help to me and have spent much of their free time helping me sort and organize.  It is really amazing how much "stuff" one person can have, even in a small house like ours! Doug and Gwen have made countless trips to my house and everyone has left with cars loaded.  There have been trips to Goodwill and other donation places.  Being able to hug those grand kids has really help keep me going each day.

One of the biggest jobs that has happened is that Doug cleared out the garage.  For the first time in over 42 years, I am able to park my car in the garage! This is a much appreciated thing with those awful Chicago winters quickly approaching.    Doug is still in the process of sorting and going through all of Ken's tools and all the miscellaneous "junk" that Ken had stored in the garage.  Thankfully for me, it is all now in Doug's garage and also some in Gwen and Tim's garage too!  And now, my car  is the biggest thing in the garage!

 

Each day for me, continues to be filled with things to take care of.  There is just so much stuff that has to happen when someone dies.  I don't think you ever can be really prepared.  I thought that we had everything mostly handled, but boy was I mistaken.  Wise people have told me that it will truly be months before everything is settled.  One thing is certain, you really find out just how "old" you are when you realize that you have never had a utility bill in your own name.  While this was just the way thing were 40 or so years ago, now smart people realize that both names should be used, or better yet, putting some things in one name and some in the other.  What this meant was that I needed to make a "deposit" to get the electric bill in my name!  Who would have ever thought this would be a problem?  

Honestly, I am kind of glad that I have so many personal things on my plate right now.  It has kept my mind off of the political and social issues that are looming.  I have been doing my best to remember to keep my eyes on the one who is truly in control of all things, Jesus.  I am thankful for all of my praying friends who have helped to keep me grounded during these days.  I recently heard a song called Truth Be Told by Matthew West.   This blog has always been about total truth telling.  As a matter of fact, that was the main direction when I began this blog over 7 years ago.  This is actually the 801st blog post.   When I actually looked at those statistics, I was kind of shocked.  The post about Ken's death was my 800th post.  Biblically, 8 is the number of new beginnings. This could not be more true for me.  Just like in the song, I am trying to remember it is okay to tell someone that I am NOT okay.  To be open and real about the struggle with adjusting to a new way of life alone after being with someone else for 48 years.  And also to know that I am not walking this alone.  

I am very thankful for each one of you who actually read these blogs.  Thankful for the people that I never hear from, but who have benefited in some way from this truth telling.  Yes, I am thankful today for a new beginning.  I don't know what exactly I am starting, but I know that God is not finished with me and there is much more ahead.  And I know that is true for each of you also.  Finish reading this blog by going back and listening to that song.  Take it to heart.  Today is a new day, and tomorrow will surely come.  Walk on....

Thank you Jesus for all that you have been showing me in the last weeks.  Thank you Holy Spirit for your comfort and your peace.  Help us to keep our eyes on the truth that all the things we see on social media or the news media may not be the truth.  Give us courage and boldness to be real in our day to day meetings with others.  Thank you Jesus for family and friends.  Thank you for your assurance that we will be with you eternally!  Amen

The hardest transition I will ever face...

 It is very surreal to me that Ken has been gone for two and a half weeks.  In some ways it seems like a very long time, but then I will forget that he isn't in the next room.  I am so grateful for the kind and loving messages that all of our family has received.  We have felt surrounded and upheld by the cards, letters, messages and texts.   Mostly we have drawn together to walk through this transition. Gwen and Doug and Susie and Tim have been my rocks during this time. Over and over we heard..."Wow, that was so quick".  But in reality, it was a long process that, with hind sight, we can say was a two year decline.  Ken's last days were spent in our home, surrounded by family and friends, spending time outdoors, and looking at his prized photos hanging on the walls.  It was exactly what he wanted - no hospital, no tubes, not alone.  Gwen, Doug and I walked along side of him as he transitioned into eternity.  And now, I face the hardest transition I will ever face. After being together for 48 years, (married 46), it does feel a bit like losing part of myself.  

There are so many parts and pieces to the transition.  I have been incredibly busy in the these two and half weeks.  There are so many calls to be made.  So many things to organize.  So much clearing out.   I am so thankful that I have had the kids and grandkids around me to make things easier.  

Gwen and Susie brought the kids over and we began to go through some of Ken's things.  We all needed to take a walk outside in the beautiful fall weather and Gwen snapped this picture of the kids and I on the bridge over the creek in our backyard.  Being with the kids has certainly helped make this time better. I got to watch Grace at her house for a couple of hours.  It felt so normal.

Then last weekend, I got to spend time with Zeke and Anna while Gwen and Tim hosted, at their home, their fall retreat for the youth from their church.  It was extra fun because it was Doug and Susie's 9th Wedding Anniversary so the cousins got to spend some time together while Doug and Susie had an evening out. 

The remainder of the weekend Zeke, Anna and I spent lots of time enjoying the glorious Indian Summer weather at various parks.  We walked by the Fox River, we walked by the very big windmill and we played on lots of playgrounds.  The best part for the "sleepover" at my house.  

To finish out the weekend, I got to watch Grace on Monday because her school was closed for the holiday.  We had so much fun and it was very much a reminder of all the days I spent watching her.  She insisted on us having "circle time" where she was the teacher and she "read" a book to me.  Such a great way to spend time together.

So here I am, in the middle of this transition.  I have no idea how long this will be, whether or not the path will be straight or instead the road full of pot holes and twists and turns.  But I am sure of one thing -  Jesus is walking with me, right along side of me, through these changes. As I was writing this blog I was reminded of a song that Ken picked to be sung at our wedding.  It was not familiar to me at the time, but through the years, I have seen how Jesus has spoken to me through it.   Here are the lyrics to " You Will Never Walk Alone by Gerry the Pacemakers.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of the storm is a golden sky and the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain.  Though your dreams be tossed and broken.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone

You'll never walk alone.

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone.

I don't think Ken had any idea just how fitting this song was.  And what a great comfort it is to me now.  It is hope that carries me through.  Hope in Jesus and the knowing what is ahead in eternity.  Hope knowing that even through Ken is gone, Jesus is still beside me and walking with me.  Hope.  Hope in the transition.  

Jesus, thank you for every time that you have shown up and reminded me that I am not alone.  Thank you for family and friends and love that surrounds us all in times of loss and grief.   Holy Spirit, give us all peace during unsettled times.  Help us keep our eyes on you, Jesus.  Thank you for the hope in my heart.  Amen