Thankful for Ken - Part 3

This picture is from Ken's graduation from Elk Grove High School in June of 1971.  While this was certainly an accomplishment for him, hidden behind that smile was a very, very sad guy.  Let me explain with an important story about Ken's high school years.

Ken's family moved  to Elk Grove Village, IL in August of 1967.  Interestingly enough, my own parents moved our family to Elk Grove Village, IL in August of 1967.  Even more interesting is that Ken and I lived only about two blocks apart during our high school years.  Ken actually was in the class of 1971 and I was in the class of 1972.  We had many common friends, but never dated during high school.  We actually didn't begin dating until August of 1972, after reconnecting at a good friends house (thanks Marie Liewehr Berberich). We finally married in May of 1974 and the rest is history.  Back to today's story......

One of the first friends that Ken made in Elk Grove was Arnold Abraham, who Ken always called "Abe".  Abe lived just a few blocks from Ken and they had many interests in common.  Both of them were AV geeks and were in the AV club at school.  Even though we went to the same school, our classes were HUGE, and I never knew Abe.  

I lifted these two pictures out of the 1970 Elk Grove High School year book.  Ken had regret that there were no pictures of him with Abe.  Abe and Ken had many, many adventures during those years.  They would frequently go into Chicago and I can only imagine what these trips included!  Remember this was the 60's and early 70's!  They went to many concerts and movies and parties.  Sadly, Abe is not one of the many high school friends that show up on my Facebook page.  Sometime during the 1970-71 school year, both Ken and Abe got sick.  Ken ended up spending almost two months in the hospital recovering from a really bad case of pneumonia.  Around the same time, Abe was diagnosed with leukemia.  Ken would visit him in the hospital as often as possible.  One thing is for sure, Ken's senior year was not what he expected.

These three painted plastic statues were one of Ken's most prized possessions.  They were given to him by Abe after he painted them while in the hospital.  They represented a special friendship that had been taken away.  Sadly Abe died in late May of 1971, just a few weeks before Ken's graduation.  The process of his death, the wake and the funeral, had an impact on how Ken felt about life, death and funerals the rest of his life.  

In my last blog I mentioned that Ken tried to go into the Navy as soon as he graduated.  Certainly Abe's death was a major part of that decision.  When that didn't work out, he felt very adrift.  He had no interest in going to college, mostly because of his dyslexia. School was very difficult for him.  He took a job working in the camera department of the brand new Marshal Fields store at Woodfield Mall.  He actually worked the day that Woodfield officially opened. I find it interesting that Ken's adult life began with cameras and it ended with cameras being the main thing on his mind.  

I have had some questions about the end of life decisions that Ken made.  My kids will tell you that Ken never went to wakes or funerals if there was any way to avoid it.  I usually ended up representing us at these times.   The first time I realized that Ken struggled with death was at his Grandpa Bakers funeral in 1976.  I knew that we needed to go, but Ken really didn't want to go.   I am very thankful that we did make that trip to Florida and it opened the door for me to really hear Ken's heart about loss and death.  Ken's choices as his health declined, were exactly what I expected.  He hated the hospital and would do anything to stay at home.  He didn't want any wake/funeral.  He wanted to make a difference for others, so he donated his body.  I am so thankful that in spite of his adoption, his early health issues, his struggles in school, and the loss of this close friend, that Ken took a risk on our marriage.  Although he never went to college, he had several fulfilling jobs and ended his work career doing something his loved.  

After our grandson Lucas died, Ken talked often with me about seeing him again in heaven.  That was really the first time that I felt that Ken really believed in eternal life that we have through Jesus.  This year on Lucas' birthday, I left a plaque at his graveside.   

I am thankful for Ken today.  Thankful that I can think about Ken doing what he so loved - taking pictures.  And knowing that those pictures will include Abe and they will also include Lucas.  

Jesus, thank you for the assurance that we have that our physical death is not the end.  Thank you for your promises of heaven and being with you there.  Holy Spirit, help each of us to work through the issues from our past that have followed us into the present.  Keep our hearts open to your healing love.  Thank you Jesus for your plan and destiny for each of us.  Amen

 

Thankful for Ken - Part 2

  So many people commented on my last blog!  I am so thankful for each person that reads these blogs.  As I stated in that post, I am really sharing a few of Ken's stories so that my kids and grands have a bit of a written history of some stories about Ken.  In the last blog I talked about how Ken became part of his adopted family.    Somewhere around 18 months, Ken started to have seizures.  And these were not just seizures.  He would actually stop breathing and would require oxygen and "help" to resume breathing. It wasn't exactly easy for his parents, and I can really relate to just how difficult it is to have a toddler with medical issues! Again, remember that I don't have any actual knowledge of this medical issue.  I am only relating the things I was told.  This first picture is significant because it was the day of his last ever seizure..... and Ken remembered it.  

During those early years, Ken's mom told me that she was afraid to go anywhere with Ken.  They really didn't know what was going on medically and he was taken to Columbus and Cleveland to different doctors and hospitals.  They had oxygen tanks at home and always brought them with when leaving the house.  It was a very stressful time for them, for sure.  After that last seizure he was put on Dilantin, a powerful anti-seizure medication and it eliminated his seizures.  He remained on several medications all through out his childhood.  He made the decision to go off of his medications at the age of 18 and he never had another seizure.

During this period of his childhood, his family lived in several houses in Wadsworth, Ohio.  He had wonderful memories of the various homes.  He remembered that they had birds as pets and they would often be in these windows.  

 In spite of the unknown sickness' Ken had a pretty normal childhood. He did struggle in school and as an adult, realized that he had dyslexia.  He came up with some pretty creative ways to be able to read and understand.  Small town life was good in the 50's and he talked of riding his bike all over Wadsworth.   Wadsworth was home until Ken was in 5th grade when the family moved to Pittsburg.  One of our favorite vacations was a visit back to Wadsworth.  We found all of his childhood homes, the schools and we visited this park.  He remembered spending so much time here! 

One of the hardest things for Ken, when Doug was sick as a baby, was not knowing his own health history.  There was always a niggling feeling that there might be some "inherited" reason for Doug's kidney and immune issues as a baby, toddler, preschooler.  Although Doug did not have a seizure issue, we never really knew if there was some connection to Ken's early health issues.  

Also, revolving around this health issue, was that Ken was rejected by the military!  After high school, Ken tried to enlist in the navy (think July 1971).  Yes, this was during Vietnam when so many were "draft dodging".  Ken felt totally healthy and so wanted to follow his dad's footsteps into the Navy. (His dad served in WWII).  He had numerous tests at that time to try to prove that he had no residual issues from that childhood seizure disorder, but the Navy still refused to let him enlist. That 4F draft card was really awful for Ken.  Getting that rejection was one of the pivotal things that followed Ken into his adulthood.   It was also terribly hard for Ken when we had to make the decision to have one of Doug's kidneys removed.  I remember he lamented for days that having one kidney would always make Doug not eligible for military service.  Truthfully,  this never entered my mind, since Doug being healthy was my end goal.  Ken didn't talk about this at all in the later years.  But I know that he always experienced a bit of regret and longing on Veterans Day and Fourth of July.  

Doing these blogs has reminded me just how important it is to keep your personal stories available for that time when you are no longer able to share them!  I think that heading into 2021 I will be starting a series of my own "growing up" stories!  And this is gentle reminder to all of you, that there is so much that you should be sharing with your family!  If this gets just one person to write down (journal) their own stories so that they are not lost to future generations, then I have accomplished something important through these blogs.   

Jesus, thank you for this opportunity to share a bit of Ken's life.  Holy Spirit, help us all to remember the importance of sharing our own history.  Jesus, I am especially grateful for the Bible - a collection of stories that reveal exactly who you are.  Holy Spirit, keep us mindful for your presence with us as we recall our own history.  Thank you Jesus for loving us!  Amen

Thankful for Ken.... part one

I have been thinking about telling a few of Ken's stories to have them actually archived and available for the kids and grand kids.  I might have shared a few over the years, but I am sure not all have been "in one place".  This has especially been on my mind since November is Adoption month and there have been many stories shared surrounding families impacted by adoption.  This is a bit of Ken's story, starting at the beginning.... and remember that I am writing from bits and pieces of information that I have been told over the years - by Ken himself, by his family, and from documents we have.  He was born on May 14, 1952 but this is the first picture of him.  It is dated June 9, 1952, with the name Jimmy Joe.  This is the photo that was presented to his mom and dad, asking them if they wanted to adopt this baby.  He was called Jimmy Joe after the two doctors who delivered him.  He had spent some time in an incubator (we really don't know much about why, except that he was very small).   His parents were delighted to have him join their family and he actually came home from the hospital at the age of 6 weeks, somewhere at the end of June, 1952.  

 

This is the first family photo we have of Ken with his sister Sue (who was 7 1/2 years old), and his mom and dad on one of the first days he was home.  Ken would have told you that he always knew that he was adopted so he didn't have any time when he was "told" about his past.  Over the years I heard many different stories about exactly how Ken came to be in his family and why he was placed for adoption.  One story was that he had many older siblings but his birth father had died and his mother could not care for him.  It was even suggested that his father might have died in the Korean War.  We were also told that he was in some way "biologically" connected to his adopted family through a distant cousin who might have some connection to this baby.  The facts were always very sketchy.  Ken's mom had a real fear that he might try to find his birth parents and because of this, Ken never wanted to know anything about his ancestry.  After his mom died in 009 and his dad was moving to Florida, we came across his adoption papers for the first time.  We saw that his birth name was "baby boy Ferguson".  This was the first actual clue we had about his heritage.  We knew that in 1952 most babies were placed in homes with similar backgrounds and genetic makeup.  So the idea that he was English and Irish (similar to his adoptive family) made sense.  Finding this name confirmed that possibility. A few years ago, after his dad died, I finally convinced Ken to do an Ancestry DNA test in the hopes of locating some information about his family.  He was mostly English and Scottish with some Irish.  While he matched to a few first and second cousins we really didn't get any further on finding his birth family.  More about my continued search in a future blog!

Ken was always close to his maternal Grandparents, Grandpa Les Baker and Grandma Versal Baker. His earliest memories almost always included them.  Beginning when Ken was a baby, the entire family would travel to Florida to Nokomis and Casey Key.  

This badly damaged photo was taken on May 14, 1954 on Ken's second birthday He is walking on Casey Key.  The second photo was taken in 1955.  

These pictures remind me of just how much Ken loved Casey Key and why he made it his final wish for his ashes to be scattered there.  On every trip we made to Florida, Ken always wanted to at least stop and visit this beach.  And for me, it is special  since it is the first "ocean" (okay it is really the Gulf but to me it was an ocean) that I ever saw.  We went to Florida in 1976 when Grandpa Baker died.  And these two pictures were taken on that same beach.

The next two photos are the last time we were together on Casey Key in January of 2019.  He loved this place so much and I will end with the picture of him doing what he loved most.... taking pictures of the place he loved most.

So many more stories to share.  Not surprising since we spent 48 years together.  But also, so many memories and thoughts that I don't want to lose.  I hope you come along with me over the next few weeks, as I remember more about Ken and what was important to him.  

Jesus, thank you for bringing Ken and I together in your master plan.  Thank you for photos and memories that help us stay connected to our past and also help us to see your hand in our life.  Holy Spirit, help us all to be thankful during this month of Thanksgiving.   Give us reminders of your love, your care and your provision in every season of our lives.  Jesus, keep our eyes on you rather than on our current circumstances.  Shower us with your peace and your love.  Amen

Walking through each day....into a new beginning.

 This past Sunday was really an awful weather day... it was only in the low 30's and there were 45 mile per hour winds.  The real feel temperature was 12 degrees.  COLD!  But it was also Lucas' 6th birthday.  Each year on his day, we gather as a family to remember and celebrate his life.  This year was very different, for many reasons.  I made the wooden heart above to leave at his grave.  Ken so missed Lucas and this year, they are together again.  Very different, yet comforting to know that Lucas and Ken are reunited.  And the weather.....so, so cold.  And then add to that, COVID!  Because of Covid and the ever increasing numbers in our counties, we decided it would be best to just meet at the cemetery, outside, social distanced and wearing masks.  Gwen and Tim decided to stay home for safety sake and will visit the cemetery at some point in the coming weeks.  The kids made a really cute birdfeeder.

It will be added to all of the memories near Lucas.  We took a few pictures, Grace collected some fallen leaves and then we retreated to our warm cars

It was not our usual family time to remember and celebrate the short time we had with Lucas.  But, for our family, nothing in 2020 has been "normal".  Ken's illnesses and death coupled with COVID have really been stressful for all of us.  

The kids have been so much help to me and have spent much of their free time helping me sort and organize.  It is really amazing how much "stuff" one person can have, even in a small house like ours! Doug and Gwen have made countless trips to my house and everyone has left with cars loaded.  There have been trips to Goodwill and other donation places.  Being able to hug those grand kids has really help keep me going each day.

One of the biggest jobs that has happened is that Doug cleared out the garage.  For the first time in over 42 years, I am able to park my car in the garage! This is a much appreciated thing with those awful Chicago winters quickly approaching.    Doug is still in the process of sorting and going through all of Ken's tools and all the miscellaneous "junk" that Ken had stored in the garage.  Thankfully for me, it is all now in Doug's garage and also some in Gwen and Tim's garage too!  And now, my car  is the biggest thing in the garage!

 

Each day for me, continues to be filled with things to take care of.  There is just so much stuff that has to happen when someone dies.  I don't think you ever can be really prepared.  I thought that we had everything mostly handled, but boy was I mistaken.  Wise people have told me that it will truly be months before everything is settled.  One thing is certain, you really find out just how "old" you are when you realize that you have never had a utility bill in your own name.  While this was just the way thing were 40 or so years ago, now smart people realize that both names should be used, or better yet, putting some things in one name and some in the other.  What this meant was that I needed to make a "deposit" to get the electric bill in my name!  Who would have ever thought this would be a problem?  

Honestly, I am kind of glad that I have so many personal things on my plate right now.  It has kept my mind off of the political and social issues that are looming.  I have been doing my best to remember to keep my eyes on the one who is truly in control of all things, Jesus.  I am thankful for all of my praying friends who have helped to keep me grounded during these days.  I recently heard a song called Truth Be Told by Matthew West.   This blog has always been about total truth telling.  As a matter of fact, that was the main direction when I began this blog over 7 years ago.  This is actually the 801st blog post.   When I actually looked at those statistics, I was kind of shocked.  The post about Ken's death was my 800th post.  Biblically, 8 is the number of new beginnings. This could not be more true for me.  Just like in the song, I am trying to remember it is okay to tell someone that I am NOT okay.  To be open and real about the struggle with adjusting to a new way of life alone after being with someone else for 48 years.  And also to know that I am not walking this alone.  

I am very thankful for each one of you who actually read these blogs.  Thankful for the people that I never hear from, but who have benefited in some way from this truth telling.  Yes, I am thankful today for a new beginning.  I don't know what exactly I am starting, but I know that God is not finished with me and there is much more ahead.  And I know that is true for each of you also.  Finish reading this blog by going back and listening to that song.  Take it to heart.  Today is a new day, and tomorrow will surely come.  Walk on....

Thank you Jesus for all that you have been showing me in the last weeks.  Thank you Holy Spirit for your comfort and your peace.  Help us to keep our eyes on the truth that all the things we see on social media or the news media may not be the truth.  Give us courage and boldness to be real in our day to day meetings with others.  Thank you Jesus for family and friends.  Thank you for your assurance that we will be with you eternally!  Amen

The hardest transition I will ever face...

 It is very surreal to me that Ken has been gone for two and a half weeks.  In some ways it seems like a very long time, but then I will forget that he isn't in the next room.  I am so grateful for the kind and loving messages that all of our family has received.  We have felt surrounded and upheld by the cards, letters, messages and texts.   Mostly we have drawn together to walk through this transition. Gwen and Doug and Susie and Tim have been my rocks during this time. Over and over we heard..."Wow, that was so quick".  But in reality, it was a long process that, with hind sight, we can say was a two year decline.  Ken's last days were spent in our home, surrounded by family and friends, spending time outdoors, and looking at his prized photos hanging on the walls.  It was exactly what he wanted - no hospital, no tubes, not alone.  Gwen, Doug and I walked along side of him as he transitioned into eternity.  And now, I face the hardest transition I will ever face. After being together for 48 years, (married 46), it does feel a bit like losing part of myself.  

There are so many parts and pieces to the transition.  I have been incredibly busy in the these two and half weeks.  There are so many calls to be made.  So many things to organize.  So much clearing out.   I am so thankful that I have had the kids and grandkids around me to make things easier.  

Gwen and Susie brought the kids over and we began to go through some of Ken's things.  We all needed to take a walk outside in the beautiful fall weather and Gwen snapped this picture of the kids and I on the bridge over the creek in our backyard.  Being with the kids has certainly helped make this time better. I got to watch Grace at her house for a couple of hours.  It felt so normal.

Then last weekend, I got to spend time with Zeke and Anna while Gwen and Tim hosted, at their home, their fall retreat for the youth from their church.  It was extra fun because it was Doug and Susie's 9th Wedding Anniversary so the cousins got to spend some time together while Doug and Susie had an evening out. 

The remainder of the weekend Zeke, Anna and I spent lots of time enjoying the glorious Indian Summer weather at various parks.  We walked by the Fox River, we walked by the very big windmill and we played on lots of playgrounds.  The best part for the "sleepover" at my house.  

To finish out the weekend, I got to watch Grace on Monday because her school was closed for the holiday.  We had so much fun and it was very much a reminder of all the days I spent watching her.  She insisted on us having "circle time" where she was the teacher and she "read" a book to me.  Such a great way to spend time together.

So here I am, in the middle of this transition.  I have no idea how long this will be, whether or not the path will be straight or instead the road full of pot holes and twists and turns.  But I am sure of one thing -  Jesus is walking with me, right along side of me, through these changes. As I was writing this blog I was reminded of a song that Ken picked to be sung at our wedding.  It was not familiar to me at the time, but through the years, I have seen how Jesus has spoken to me through it.   Here are the lyrics to " You Will Never Walk Alone by Gerry the Pacemakers.

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of the storm is a golden sky and the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain.  Though your dreams be tossed and broken.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone

You'll never walk alone.

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone.

I don't think Ken had any idea just how fitting this song was.  And what a great comfort it is to me now.  It is hope that carries me through.  Hope in Jesus and the knowing what is ahead in eternity.  Hope knowing that even through Ken is gone, Jesus is still beside me and walking with me.  Hope.  Hope in the transition.  

Jesus, thank you for every time that you have shown up and reminded me that I am not alone.  Thank you for family and friends and love that surrounds us all in times of loss and grief.   Holy Spirit, give us all peace during unsettled times.  Help us keep our eyes on you, Jesus.  Thank you for the hope in my heart.  Amen

End of summer ..... onto Fall. A lot of transitions

We had a not so typical Labor Day weekend.  Of course nothing about our life these days is very typical.  Ken has been dealing with the effects of Liver Cancer and has seen his energy decreasing during the last few weeks.  We are thankful for some iron infusions that we are hoping will restore some pep to his steps. In the mean time, Ken is mostly just moving slowly from the bed, to the couch to the patio to the front porch, using a cane to help keep him steady.  The kids have been wonderful, stopping in to bring us some needed company and we love those hugs.  

On Saturday we got to watch Grace for a couple of hours.  It was really fun to see how much she has grown up during the Covid mess.  I loved just talking with her and hearing all about her school and her friends.  Three is such a fun age!  I also managed to get the following picture... 

Grace age 3, 2020

This is special to me for so many reasons.  This little chair she is sitting in was mine!  It is 62 years old and has sure seen better days.  But it is so fun to see this chair, through the years and all of the precious little ones who got to use it!

Yes, that is me, age 4, in the chair when it was brand new - Christmas of 1958!

Then it was 1982

Gwen was around 3 years old in this picture.

Then Doug, around 3,  got to use the chair in 1985

First of the grandkids to use the chair was Lia (age 18 months) in 2007

followed by Ellie age 4,  in 2013

Zeke, age 2 in 2013

And then Anna, age 3 in 2017.

It is interesting how your perspective changes when illness enters your house.  This silly little kids chair is not really even an "heirloom" in the typical definition.  It wasn't an expensive chair when it was new.  But suddenly it seems priceless to me.  The memories that these pictures show, are worth more than any amount of money.   I am so thankful for these snapshots of rocking around the years.  I am also thankful that I have those recently digitized movies since I saw myself, rocking in that chair on that Christmas in 1959.  Technology is wonderful.

In addition to sitting in this chair when Grace visited, she did a lot of cutting!  She found a pair of kid scissors in the toy box and I gave her a magazine to cut up.  She spent almost an hour making lots of tiny pieces of paper.  

When Ken got up, Grace wanted to sit at the table and eat with him  She had already had breakfast, but she had a snack of applesauce while Grandpa ate his breakfast.

It was so good to have time to just play with her.  I miss my time watching her each week.  She was sad when mommy and daddy came to get her.  I am sure we will have time for more fun soon.

On Labor Day, Gwen, Tim and the kids came for a visit.  As a special treat they brought Chandler.  Ken loves that doggie so much.  At one point he called him Sheba (our dog when Gwen was little).  But Chandler didn't mind much.  Ellie insisted on bringing her violin so that Ken and I could hear her first song. Considering that she has only had the instrument for a couple weeks and only had a few lessons, it was great!  She seems to be a natural at this.

Chandler was apparently part of the performance.  I didn't notice him when I took the picture, but he was watching us watch Ellie play!

I am so thankful for the time that Gwen and Tim and Doug and Susie, as well as the grandkids spend with us.  I know that Ken's time is most likely short and it is a blessing for the kids to make memories with him.  We are all taking one day at a time and trying to not look to far into the future.  For now that is enough.  The summer has been so dry, we have gone weeks and weeks with no rain.  I really don't remember another summer this dry.   But as we have entered September, we have had several days of much needed rain.  One night last week, I was awakened by loud claps of thunder and pounding rain.  This morning I woke up to rain on the window.  Yes, a transition is happening all around me.  The weather is changing from the heat and dry of summer to the damp and cool of autumn.  This year has been a time all its own that we will not forget.  The year 2020 will live on in memory of COVID, quarantine, fear and anxiety and loneliness as we "sheltered in place" away from all those we love so much.  Now our family is drawing together and coming closer as we care more about being together than fear of COVID.  We are holding and hugging each other as we stand together as Ken's cancer progresses.   We are doing our best to remember this...

           

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.   Matthew 6:34

I am so thankful for all of you, reading this blog.  Our family needs your prayers during this transition.  We so appreciate the love and concern of our friends and extended family.  Most of all we are thankful for the knowledge that Jesus has brought everyone that believes in Him, eternal life.  It is the faith and hope of Jesus that sustains us and brings us peace when nothing around us is very calm or peaceful.  

For some reason, the gentle rain today has been so soothing.  I made beef stew in the crock pot and some drop biscuits to go with it.  The oven helped heat up the cool house and the smell of the stew filled the house with a lovely aroma.  So calming and comforting.  Yes, today has been a good day and I will celebrate every good day.

Jesus, thank you for rain that soaks into the thirsty ground.  Thank you for the assurance of your saving grace.  Help us all to stay mindful of the joys in each day, even as so much around us is uncertain and shaking.  Thank you for the hugs and love of family and friends.  Remind us all to reach out and touch our loved ones and our neighbors.  Thank you for memories, for finds from the past and for hope to look into the future.  Amen

Amazing couple of hours - seeing into the past and getting perspective

This little drive holds my family movies that my dad took - starting in 1937.  Sometime towards the end of my moms life, my brother Jerry had converted the movies to  VHS tape and had my mom voice over narration to add as much information as she could.  He gave each of us siblings copies of these tapes.  I haven't had a VHS player in my house for a number of years and the tapes have just been sitting on my shelf.  I finally decided to have the tapes converted into digital format, thinking that maybe someday, someone would have an interest in these.  I picked up this little thumb drive this morning.

I was not prepared for the emotions that flooded over me.  I know that I have seen these before, but I don't think I was as interested in my ancestors as I am now.  I have always realized that I missed out on knowing most of my cousins well since I am the youngest of a large number of first cousins (17 on my dads side and 16 on my moms side) and most were grown and married before I was born. I was much closer in age to my cousins kids than my cousins.   Both my mom and my dad were the youngest sibling, and I am the youngest sibling.  In pretty typical fashion, the majority of the first few years of film were of my sister Karen as a baby and young child.  Yes, the first kids always has way more pictures than any subsequent child.  But in addition to the family movies, my dad filmed many trips he took for work. His travel took him through South Dakota and he has footage of the building of Mount Rushmore.  Here is a still photo he took at the same time.

 Also included is footage from the 1939 Worlds Fair in San Francisco, California.  My parents and their friends made the drive from South Dakota in September of 1939 and it includes a blizzard that they faced driving through the mountains of California on the way home.  The Golden Gate Bridge was only a year old when they drove across it.  They visited a zoo and saw "wild" animals that they had only seen in pictures.  Elephants, Zebras, Giraffes, swans, and many other animals in small cages.  Yet it is easy to forget how very blessed we are to have access to so much.  The cars and trucks and even the roads are so interesting.  My dad made several trips to Yellowstone and there are several photos of Old Faithful from a very close viewing point.  Not anything like today, for sure!  

Seeing these movies of my mom and dad, my sister Karen and so many relatives that are gone certainly made me emotional.  Seeing my dad's mom and dad and all of my aunts and uncles and cousins, really gave me pause.  I am so thankful for Facebook today.  I know that there is so much divide in our country right now and social media is often where that conflict is most evident.  For me - today at least- I am thankful for each of the relatives that I have on my friends list.  Some of these cousins I don't even remember meeting!  Yet today, I saw them as kids, playing on the farm, driving tractors or playing ball.  I saw them running around having a snowball fight one Christmas Day at their grandparents house (I think it might have been 1938 since Karen was a baby).  I saw family events happen before my eyes - my grandparents, Axel and Betty Johnson, celebrate their 50th Wedding Anniversary.  My brother Jerry was the youngest grandchild at that event.  Seeing movies is so much different than just seeing a photo.  I watched my grandma Johnson scoop Karen into her arms and give her a kiss.  Such a grandma thing to do. Seeing my mom's dad and aunt Anna and all my mom's sisters and their families was just as special.  

I was watching those cousins playing, and hearing my mom rattle off their names, I thought of the ones on Facebook.  I shot off a short message to my cousin Jo on messenger, telling her I was thinking of her after watching these old wonders.  She responded to me "I have always wished I could see the movies he (my dad) made when we were kids, even though I seem to remember we always tried to run away when he took them!"  I now know that I need to get these duplicated (at least the family part) and off to the cousins!  These are just too special to not share. 

But as I mulled over the years of  events, the picnics, the parties, the graduations... I realized something.  I am not really a part of these movies.  The first shots of me are at my first Christmas.  And I appear in several Christmas' after that.  But, by the time I was 6, I had been "replaced" by my mom and dads first grandchildren - Karen's kids.  There are movies of Amy learning to walk and Amy and Nancy riding my tricycle and swinging on my swing.  Do I sound a bit bitter here?  I think it just has cemented something that I knew in my mind - but in a visual way.  It was hard having parents who were Grandma Nona and Grandpa Harry for as long as I remember.  

I never could understand why my siblings said I was so spoiled.  My life was different than theirs.  They had a stay-at-home mom who made them hot lunch everyday when they walked home from school.  I was a latch key kid with a working mom from the time I was in 1st grade.  I rode a bus to school.  I was often home alone for hours at a time.  During those years my dad was gone for work for weeks at a time.  And my mom often worked hours of overtime.  Greg and Julie were in Jr. High/High School by the time mom worked.  As a matter of fact, Julie had already started working herself.  I know that this was as hard on my mom as it was on me.  She often talked about how much she regretted having to work for financial reasons.  By the time I was in 8th grade, we moved to the Chicago area.  What that meant for me was distance from all of my relatives - except for a couple of weeks in the summer at the Lake.  Even distance from my siblings.  By the time I was in high school, Karen was in Kansas City, Mo, Jerry was in St. Paul, MN, Julie was in Montana, and Greg was in Thailand in the Air Force.  So I don't feel like my life was "spoiled" - it was just very different than my siblings.  I had a a front row seat to my dad's deteriorating health as he approached retirement.  And I also watched my mom worry and fret about my dad.  Sadly, he only had a few active years in retirement before his health failed.   

Looking back now, I can see just how important my relationship to Jesus was.  One of my earliest memories is a dream I had about Easter.  I can still "see" this dream in my mind - that is how real it was.  Jesus and I were walking in a beautiful garden, down a winding path.  There were flowers and trees and birds everywhere I looked.  Jesus was holding my hand.  He told me that the Easter story was true - that he had died and come back to life.  And he encouraged me to tell everyone that I could that it was true.  He looked at me and said, "I will be with you always.  Don't be afraid".  When I think about this dream, I can still feel his hand holding mine.  When Jesus is with you, no matter how different or hard or scary your life experiences are, you not only survive you thrive.  Because of that dream, I never felt alone or scared. So in spite of a very different childhood than my siblings, I never felt deprived.  My mom and I developed a very close relationship in the years that it was mostly just us, when my dad traveled and my siblings were grown and far away.  Jesus' words to me in that dream have been a guiding force in my life. This blog is, in fact, part of those marching orders from Jesus.  A way to tell others that Jesus is alive, his story is true, he is with us and we don't have to be afraid.  

Seeing into the past through these movies, reflecting on all the emotions that came with that, and capping off the experience with the TRUTH that Jesus has a plan and purpose for each of our lives, brings this blog (and my emotions) full circle.   We are all who we are today, not only because of our own experiences, but also those who came before us..  All of that, shapes how we live today and how we walk into the future.  I am so thankful that my dad purchased that "newest and greatest" invention when he bought that movie camera in 1938. My mom and dad loved their extended family and celebrated life together.   What a treasure it is to actually SEE your heritage on the screen.  Now I understand a bit better why spending time with my family is so important to me.

Jesus, thank you so much for bringing me through this period of reflection.  Holy Spirit, remind everyone reading this, that there is a plan and purpose for their life that doesn't depend on circumstances.  Give us all your eyes to see our past.  Give us courage and boldness to walk into the future, even when things seem so unsettled.  Thank you Jesus for your love and your guidance.  Amen