November is almost over.... singing a new song of praise!

I can not believe that next week is Thanksgiving.  This month has just flown by.  I was at the doctor this week for my yearly exam and she asked me if I was getting enough physical activity.  I told her she just needed to take a look at my calendar to understand why this is not a problem!  It is a very rare day that I am sitting at home, doing nothing.  Most days are packed with activities and I am quite happy with that.  After a year of pretty much doing nothing but staying at home, it feels good to have purpose in each day.  And the doctor declared me remarkably healthy "for my age".  Sigh.  Can't I just be healthy?

Seriously, I am very thankful for good health and the physical ability I have to be with my grand kids on a regular basis.  Many are not so fortunate.  

We began this month, remembering Lucas on his seventh birthday.  

It is always good to gather and remember Lucas.  it was a really nice fall day and the leaves were crunchy underfoot.  Unfortunately, Scott, Susie's brother, was not able to be with us.  He is still in recovery from the random gunshot wounds he suffered in June.  It is sobering to see how difficult his recovery has been, since he is an innocent victim just walking down the street when he was shot.  I don't think we appreciate just how devastating these injuries can be and the length of the recovery after something like this.   Thankfully, Scott is getting wonderful care at a suburban hospital.  I am hopeful that he will be able to start 2022 closer to a full recovery.  These visits to the cemetery are always a time to stop and reflect and remember.   It is always a good time to talk with the kids about death, and this year there was a very new grave near to Lucas.   There were lots of questions from the kids, and I am thankful that there was time to talk openly and truthfully.  Not easy, but very good.

The "cousins" (as Grace calls them) are always so glad to be together.  Grace loves being with them so much.  

I just loved this picture of the girls together.  Zeke is so thankful to have a boy cousin now.  And always talks about missing Lucas so much.  

I love this picture of Doug holding James talking to Gwen!  It's so good to see your adult kids together and enjoying each others children.  

Spending time each week at both Gwen's and Doug's is so nice.  I really get to see the kids and be a part of the things they are interested in.  Lately, I have been helping Gwen out with some of the (constant) driving that comes along with having four kids involved in various activities.  I take Lia to her Co-op class in the morning and then at the end of the day, drive Lia and Ellie to dance before heading home.  I just love this car time with the kids.  I get to watch the kids homeschool and this was my view the other day....

It looked like Chandler was doing his own bit of "homeschool" while he sat on a folder!  He is most definitely Gwen's dog and likes to be where she is!  That same day, I saw this...

Their resident Cooper's Hawk, who lives in their yard, was actually sitting right on the railing outside of their sunroom.  It was shocking to see just how big he was when he took off!  The kids think this is the same hawk that I saw sitting on the trampoline a few weeks ago.  They do have a park-like setting for sure.  

Every week James grows and changes.  And, for that matter, so does Grace.  She is nearing five years old and her imagination is incredible.  Sometimes I get flashbacks to Doug when he was her age.  He was always telling me some random fact that he had read in some book.  She is an expert game player and always seems to win at Checkers.  And she loves art - all art.  Paint, glue, color, stickers.  Really anything.  And she loves books.  

She loves James so much and can't wait for him to actually be old enough to play with her.  James loves her and breaks into a huge smile anytime he sees her.  Now that he is bigger, she loves to hold him.  

She is a big help and will fetch burp clothes and diapers for me anytime I ask.  Soon enough James will be able to play.  I snapped this picture in James' room and didn't realize that the blanket behind them is the one I made for James!  You can just about make out his name behind Grace.  This week he actually cut his first tooth.  I can't believe he is almost six months old already!  

Thankful for so much this year.  Thankful for good health.  Thankful for family and the ongoing support that we have among us.  Thankful for children and all the activities they have - thankful for the activities they have today and all the places they will go someday.  Thankful for the beauty of the earth and all of God's creation.  Yes, those last few sentences sound a lot like some Thanksgiving songs.  But I am truly feeling them this year.  I have been doing a wonderful Bible Study on Psalm 40 - my favorite Psalm.  I call it my "Slimy Pit" Psalm. If you are curious, just google Psalm 40 and you will understand!  We are getting near the end of our study and have been talking about these lines  Psalm 40:3...

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.  

I have never felt, more than this year, the "new song" that Jesus has given me.  I am in a new season of life, as a widow.  Last year was all about getting used to how different my life was.  This year has really been about the hymn of praise.  Being so thankful for my life, each day.  Waking up busy, but so happy.  Ending each day, tired and thankful. So hopeful that my life will have impact and meaning.  My prayer is that I will see the "many" who are watching me, put their trust in Jesus.  

Lately, Grace has been asking me to sing her the "whole world" song.  A few month ago, I randomly sang the old children's song "He's got the whole world in his hands" to her and she remembered it.  The repetitive lyrics are basically...

He's got the whole world in his hands

He's got the wind and the rain

He's got the sun and the moon

He's got the little bitty baby

He's got you and me (insert name) in his hands

He's got the whole world in his hands.  

I don't think there is a better song of praise than that.  Knowing that God has got it ALL!  No matter what!  Yep, my thankful song of praise is rooted and grounded in knowing that He's got the whole world in His hands!  Be encouraged.  No matter where you are today.  If you are mired down in that slimy pit, know that Jesus is the solid rock that you can stand on. If you are feeling your world shaking, know that He's got this!  If you are walking into a new situation, stuck in a bad situation or just don't know where you are..... don't worry "He's got it!"   Jesus has the whole world in his hands!  

Jesus, thank you so much for this season's reminder to be thankful.  Holy Spirit, show us all how God has got us in his hands.  Keep our spirits open to hear your voice and help us to feel your loving hands holding us, even when things are hard.  Thank you for the new song of praise that you give to us.  Amen

What a busy month it has been....

Sometimes it is hard to just stop and look back on the past few weeks since there was just so much that happened!  You would think that, at my age, I would be mostly just relaxing in my Lazy Boy (which to be fair, I do quite often.)  But here is me being very grateful and feeling very blessed to be able to be so busy.  If Covid has done one thing, it has made everyone appreciate times of being out and doing fun things together.  And while this busyness does make it hard to find time to put my thoughts and feelings down "on paper" (so to speak) in this blog, I don't want a whole month to go by without recapping it.  So, here goes.

Being at Tim and Gwen's house is always like being at some very wonderful, nature area.   There is this incredible view from the family room (which has a huge picture window) or from the sunroom of the sprawling forest behind the home.  On this day, a very large hawk decided to land on the kids trampoline net!  It was really big and surveyed the grounds for a number of minutes.  It was shocking to see just how big it was when it actually took flight.  Watching the trees begin to change color and the leaves begin to fall, helped me mark the change of season.  It is so good to just stop and breathe out every time I am there.  

The very next day, I was at Doug and Susie's house and there was a really big thunder storm that moved through the area.  Of course this brought a day inside for Grace, James and me.  But just as I was leaving for home, the sun came out and I saw this really incredible rainbow over their house.  I turned around and went back inside to bring Grace out to see the rainbow.  It was still raining slightly, and I managed to snap this one not so good picture.  Grace was so excited since this was the first time she had ever seen a "real rainbow"!  It is so wonderful to be able to be a part of an experience like this.  These small firsts with any child are so special.  

A few days after this, I spent the weekend with Zeke and Anna (and Chandler) while Gwen and Tim, along with Lia and Ellie, were away at their Youth Fall Retreat.  As the kids get older and older, I have fewer and fewer of them during these retreats.  Starting next spring, I will just have Anna since Zeke will be gone also.  

The highlight for the kids was for sure the various playgrounds we visited.  We played some games, did some crafts and helped clean up all of the water toys for the winter.  Anna even painted my nails.  For me, the best thing was having breakfast out and then visiting the lake across the street.  The kids threw rocks in the water and tried to find skipping stones.  I was able to skip a couple and it sure brought me back to my own childhood at the lake.  I just treasure these simple times with the kids. 

The next week, I finally delivered on a birthday present for Ellie from last March.  Gwen and I took her to see Hamilton on stage in Milwaukee.  

It was the first time that Ellie had been to a live show and Hamilton is her all time favorite.  Again, getting to be a part of these "firsts" is just so amazing.  We had such a wonderful time, made even more wonderful after the Covid delay.  It actually felt "normal" to be sitting in a large auditorium.  I realized on the way home, this was the first time I have been out of Illinois since September of 2019!  For the last two years, I have never left home.  With all of the traveling that Ken and I did, it is no wonder that I am feeling sort of stir crazy.  Such a nice day and way to mark a milestone for Ellie.

Just a few days later, was an opportunity to watch Tim run a marathon and Gwen run a half marathon.  It was a simply gorgeous fall day, crisp and cool but sunny and dry.  

Tim's race started an hour before Gwen's so we were there bright and early.  I stayed with the kids and we became a "cheering section" on the path as the runners came by.  There was a large group of people from their church that also ran with them.  We had lots of runners to cheer for!  

Thankfully, everyone finished the race!  It was so fun to watch the group, some who were getting their first ever medals!  This was Gwen's 6th half marathon and Tim's 11th marathon.  I am so proud of their dedication and follow through.  I love being an eye witness to these important events.

Being able to spend time each week with Grace and James has been a joy.  James seems to change and grow overnight.  So it is a blessing to be able to watch each new accomplishment.   Grace has done so well being a big sister.  She is anxiously waiting for James to be able to play with her.  It is so hard having to wait!  James has recently grown big enough and strong enough to graduate from his playmat on the ground to his activity center.  I found Grace happily "reading" to him and he was loving it!

Grace actually read him many more books and I am sure, quite soon, she will really be reading the words to him!  She is such a big help for me, whether it is getting a burb cloth, or letting Kylie out when I am feeding James.  I just love watching her loving on her brother.  

Is there anything better than the smiles of children?  I am so thankful for all of these activities.  For all of the hugs and kisses, for all of the hours of play.  For all of the special moments and the milestones.  All of these things are worth hanging on to and worth remembering.  

Recently I was talking with a number of friends about the power of testimony.  Sometimes we forget just how much our small, little moments can have a big impact on someone else.  I remember hearing a very long time ago, that it is the current things that we should be sharing with those around us.  The big testimonies have a place, the life changing ways God has acted in our life, yes, those are worth sharing.  But don't forget to tell someone else about the little ways that you know Jesus is with you and listening to your cries for help.  I love to hear how others have seen Jesus in their day to day struggles.  It brings me so much encouragement and certainly deepens my faith and hope.  For me, each of the stories above are evidence of Jesus' love and care for me.  I feel his presence with me as I go from activity to activity.  He knows exactly what I need each day.  Being able to be with my kids and my grandkids is something I do not take for granted.  It is truly a blessing and a joy.  

Jesus, thank you for the daily ways that you meet us exactly where we are.   No matter how busy we are, you are never going to leave us.  Holy Spirit, thank you for reminding me to capture these milestone moments with my family, no matter how small they may seem.  Jesus help us to be willing to share our struggles and our small moments with those around us.  Amen

Family time to remember Ken

 Last weekend was the one year anniversary of Ken's death.  As a family we decided it would be really nice to remember Ken at one of his favorite locations - The Morton Arboretum.  We picked a time and prayed for good weather and we were not disappointed.  It was a simply glorious fall day with sunshine and cool breezes and temperatures in the 70's.  Just getting all 11 (now 12) of us somewhere is quite a job in itself.  Yes, we are now 12 since Lia has a boyfriend, Micah,  that we happily welcomed for this event.  I am sure that Ken would have been more than willing to embarrass Lia by asking Micah all kinds of questions.  For me, it was a perfect way to embrace our family growing and changing as we walk into the future.  

Ken so loved the "Trolls" exhibit at the Arboretum and took so many photos of them.  He would have loved this new exhibit that includes 5 large statues.  Each of us saw something different in them and appreciated them differently.  They are truly art and therefore whatever you see is okay!  I happened to catch the following picture...

This would make Ken so happy!  Usually Gwen and Susie are the photographers in the family.  And now Ellie also always seems to have her camera in her hand (see my previous blog about this).  But Doug just isn't usually seen like this.  Susie was "baby wearing" James, so that might explain Doug having the camera.  But it just makes me smile so much seeing him "walking in his dads footsteps'.  

The kids had such a good time, running around and playing together.  We had a snack time and ate some of Ken's favorite things.  His "special mix" granola was a favorite and also the apple cider donuts.  We munched on sausage and cheese and crackers while the kids played a rousing game of tag. 

Here are a couple more of my favorite pictures from the day.  We spent several hours hiking through the woods to find all five statues.  Because it was beautiful day, the Arboretum was busy.  But because it is so big, (and we avoided the buildings) the crowds didn't bother us much.   On the way back to the cars, I picked up these three special reminders of the day....

I loved this very big leaf.  You can't really tell by this picture, but it is much bigger than my hand.  I love the small pinecone and the tiny acorn also.  The leaf seems to represent a bit about my life.  Some of the life is gone, but there is still some green left there. My life as "us" is done, but I have more ahead. And the acorn and pinecone suggest new life.  I love that Jesus has chosen to speak to me in times of grief, through songs on the radio.  After Lucas' death in 2014 this song Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey was always on the radio.  It spoke to me so clearly that Jesus had so much ahead for our family.   I was really not expecting that to happen again.  And then  Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns played on my radio.  It took me a long time to take in all that this song was saying to me.  This verse touched my heart so much..

I know the road you walked was anything but easy.  You picked up your share of scars along the way. Oh but now your standing in the sun, you've fought your fight your race is won, the pain is all a million miles away.  

Ken had so many health issues through out his entire life.  This verse really captured that for me and spoke so much hope and joy into my heart.  And then it concludes with this verse...

There's not a day goes by that I don't see you. You live on in all the better parts of me. Until I'm standing with you in the sun, I'll fight this fight and this race I'll run, until I finally see what you can see.

I've been searching and asking for Jesus to show me a direction for the years ahead.  And here it is.  I will keep on in this fight - whatever that is. If it is Covid and shutdowns and pandemic issues, I will get through it.  I will keep on running the race that is before me.  Doing and being the best mom and grandma that I can be.  Serving Jesus in whatever ways I can.  Making a difference to those around me and those I may never meet personally.  I will always carry a part of Ken with me.  And it is comforting to know that he lives on through the kids and grandkids.  What a great legacy.  

To all those who are themselves in times of grief, sadness or suffering, know that Jesus loves you and cares so much for you.  He sees us all - exactly as we are.  Trust me, he will send the exact message we need at the appropriate time.  Just keep your eyes and ears open and he will speak to you.  

Jesus, thank you for the comfort of music and songs that touch the deepest parts of our being.  Holy Spirit, remind us to treasure every moment we have with our family and friends and with you.  Give us courage to stay open to what you are saying to us and wisdom to know your voice.   Thank you for nature, for trees and for tiny little pine cones.  Amen

 

First Special Sleepover with Anna and Grace

These girls have been waiting a long time to have a sleepover at my house.  I finally got a new guest room set up and have a great new daybed and trundle set up - perfect for a sleepover.  Anna was counting down the days.  We started the activities with a snack and then walked to my neighborhood

playground. 

Watching these cousins play and have so much fun together was wonderful.  Sadly our time playing was cut short by a rainstorm.  There was no rain in the forecast but the sky turned dark and then the drops began to fall.  We ended up walking quickly to get home before the showers really started.  I ordered pizza and the girls watched a movie, before heading to bed. 

Surprisingly, the girls went to sleep before 10:30pm and were still asleep when I woke up at 7:00am!  That was a miracle for sure.  The parents were coming to pick up the girls around noon, so we had a lot of playing to do!  It was a marvelous day, 70's and sunny, so we went outside after they did a bit of "work" at the table.  Anna had drawn a picture for us to all color together so we completed that. We all had to color one of the flowers and write our name.  This masterpiece is now hanging on my  fridge. 

  

We had bubbles and chalk and the girls spent a long time blowing lots of bubbles.  I think I had more fun the girls did.  

Later in the morning we went out front and decided it was time for a game of hopscotch.  It is always interesting seeing kids enjoy a game that I played for hours as a young girl.  I couldn't tell you how many games of hopscotch I played, back in the day.  Interestingly, I don't really remember Gwen playing much, so maybe it is one of those things that skips a generation.

The timing of this sleepover was good.  We planned it so that we could do our family remembrance of Ken after the pickup.  The only downside to this, was that both Anna and Grace were really tired and by the end of the day, they needed to be done! Watch for the next blog to see how our family time went.  But all in all, it was a great first sleepover.  

For Anna this was a very big event.  The rule in the Johnson household is that no sleepovers are allowed unless you are vaccinated.  Sadly, Anna and Zeke are not old enough to receive the COVID vaccine.  But because we have allowed our family to be together during the pandemic, Gwen and Tim allowed Anna to spend the night at my house.  Anna was very nervous.  So was Grace, since she had never spent the night with me at my house either.  COVID has really done a number on the kids.  Grace really doesn't have any memories before the shutdown happened when she was just 3.   We are just getting used to what is now our new normal.  

The timing of this sleepover was also very good for me.  I knew that this weekend, the one year anniversary of Ken's death, would be difficult.  I had been dreading the date approaching and, just is so often the case, the actual weekend actually passed quite well.   I am so thankful for the relationship that I have with each of my grandchildren.  It is so wonderful to see how they are growing in their gifts and talents.  This kind of one on one time (or actually two on one time) is so valuable.  Each time I get to be with the kids doing fun things, I try to just soak it in.  Time passes so quickly and the kids are growing up.  I don't want to miss a minute of it.  I love how Jesus has given me this time to spend with the kids.  In spite of Covid, in spite of Ken's death, my life has been filled with blessings.  Yes, a yearly time to reflect is a very good thing.  Making the effort to see the blessings, to embrace the time and to notice the little things is such a gift.  

 Jesus, thank you for the gift of children and grandchildren.  Holy Spirit, keep us aware of all of the blessings that surround us and help us to embrace each day.  Thank you for times to reflect and remember.   Keep our hearts open to your prompts every day.    Amen

Birthday Blessings and the last couple of weeks.

I had such a nice birthday.  My day actually fell on Labor Day this year so it was easy to plan a family time together.  I wanted to show off my new carpeting so we met at my house.  As the kids get older it is so funny to watch how they spend their time here.  My box of toys was hardly touched at all, thanks to good weather and the ability for the kids to be outside.  All of us spent some time enjoying my screen porch.  Doug and Susie brought the great smoked meat - Ham and Ribs.  It was so good!  

It was certainly a bit sad since I was remembering my last birthday.  Ken and I went out to dinner and it was really the last time that we ate in a restaurant.  He was pretty sick for the remaining couple of weeks of his life.  But everyone admired my new carpet and there was a lot of good family time.   I had a few projects that needed doing and Tim was able to accomplish them all in less than half an hour.  I am so incredibly thankful for both Tim and Doug and the ways that they keep up with all the stuff I need done around the house.  It is a reminder for me of just how blessed I am to have my family close by.  

I was not expecting September 11th to hit me so hard this year.  I don't know if it was the 20th anniversary of that event, or the fact that it just compounded my grief after losing Ken.  But it was really difficult for me. It's so hard to believe that every kid in school (even most college students) have no memory of that day.  It seems so close and so real, even though I had no direct connection to the events that day.  I am pretty sure that all of the talk about 9/11 just made my grief come to the surface a bit more. Which is not a bad thing at all.  I know that I have not always been honest about how difficult some things have been for me.  Just this past week I had to fill out a form and needed to check the box "widowed" instead of "married".  It felt really terrible.  I know that it will get easier, but it was just one of those small things that felt like a very big thing at the time.  

 One of the best things to counter all these deep feelings, is spending time with the kids.  I am so thankful for each day spent just being with these littles and getting hugs from them.  Last week, even though it was mid September, Anna, Zeke and Ellie and I spent a couple hours in their pool.  I love swimming so much and the pool is really my happy place.  Even though the air was cool and the sun was low and behind trees, the water felt great!  I just love seeing those kids swim like little fishes.  Anna can only just barely touch on her tip-toes in that pool, but she swims all over!  It was certainly a day brightener for me.

I have been able to spend some great days with Grace and James also, since Susie has returned to work.  On one of the more pleasant days, James sat outside with us as Grace and I played.  We amused him with bubbles and he loves to watch the trees blow in the (ever present) wind!   It is hard to believe that he is almost 4 months old already!  Last week he grabbed onto a ring on his playmat and he is very close to rolling from his back to his front.   They grow up so fast!

I have been so thankful for the Bible Study that I am doing with a great group.  It is a study of Psalm 40.  I have always called this my "slimy pit" Psalm and for sure, it is my favorite Psalm.  Over 30 years ago this Psalm spoke to me and gave me a hope for the future.  At a time when life seemed so chaotic and so stressful and when I felt like I was in the slimy pit of despair, Jesus spoke this to me.  With a lot of hard work  and with many, many hours of prayer and counseling and teaching, I was able to finally feel my feet planted solidly on THE Rock (Jesus).  I could not begin to tell you how many times I have quoted this Psalm to others when they have felt themselves stuck in hard places.  This is a Psalm that not only contains the good news that God will help us out of those hard places, it includes the promise that He will change us.  And then the best and biggest hope filled line is this..... "Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him".   I don't know about you, but for me, knowing that my story might help others have hope and trust in Jesus is the very best thing.  I don't think it is an accident that this is the study I am doing right now.  I needed the reminder that Jesus has much more ahead for me and He will not leave me in any down or stuck place.  Here are the first three verses of Psalm 40...

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire.  He set my feel on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.   He put a new song in my  mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.  

If you are feeling a bit shaky right now, or stuck in place you can't seem to get out of,  I encourage you to read and meditate on this Psalm.  And which one of us doesn't feel that way right now with Covid and mask mandates and vaccine drama?   Take a few minutes and just let those first three verses sink in and feel Jesus helping settle your spirit.  I know I am not the only one who needs this right now.  Start each day with these three short verses and watch God's faithfulness shine through.  Then, let me know how Jesus has spoken to you in this!  

Jesus, thank you for bringing exactly what we need, when we feel desperate.  Holy Spirit, remind us that  Jesus is the ROCK we can place our feet on for a firm and steady foundation.  Bring the right people into our path that will help us to know you better.  Thank you for loving us and listening to our cries for help.  Thank you for the new songs your are bringing to us.  Amen

Another sure sign that you are getting old!

I had an experience this week that marks a new phase of "getting old"!  I knew this was coming, and had anticipated that it would be some time before the reality of it would hit me.  On Monday, Gwen casually asked me if I wanted to go to Hobby Lobby with her.  Of course the correct answer is always yes to Hobby Lobby.  But then...... it happened!  Lia had the car keys in her hand!

 So I became a "back seat passenger" in (what used to be) my car, with Lia at the wheel.  Wait a minute... wasn't she just a teeny tiny baby?  How did this happen?  When did those years just fly by?  But seriously, Ken would have just loved to see this day.  One of the last bigger decisions that he made was to give this car to Lia for the not so distant time when she would be driving.  Ken actually picked this car and its very sporty version.  It is a coupe - something not so ordinary in today's world.  A two door car.  He drove it for about 3 years and when the time came for a new vehicle for us, it was decided that I would get rid of my (much older) car and drive this one.  The new car that Ken picked out at that time, is the car that I am now driving.  I am glad to have a bigger, larger more comfortable vehicle.  And, while it will be a long nine months until Lia actually gets her license, she is quite comfortable driving with her mom (or dad) by her side.  I am very proud of the confident young women she is.  But let me tell you, sitting in that back seat was just another time when I felt that "generational shift" happen.  Although I've been a grandma for over 15 years, I still don't FEEL like a grandma most days.  But there are these occasions when I feel that bump up that family tree more clearly.  

It has been a nostalgic couple of weeks for me.  I wasn't expecting to feel anything but relief and thankfulness, so I was surprised when this day arrived with some of those feelings.  The 43 year old carpet in my bedroom was finally replaced.  In fact ALL of the carpet in my upstairs is now brand new.  It was quite the effort with furniture moving and clearing out that preceded the actual installation.  This is actually a picture of the 43 year old, gold shag, builder grade carpet that has been in that room since the day Ken and I moved in.  I started thinking about all of those years and the life that happened in this house.  And I confess, I did get a bit teary. It sure didn't last long until the best change was made.

I am very thankful for the end result.  A wonderful home with new carpet, with much fewer allergens and dust to aggravate my nose, and a fresh new look. 

It is amazing how much difference it makes to have new carpeting.  It seems so quiet and feels so soft to walk on.  It does feel like I am walking into a new chapter in so many ways.  My grandchildren are growing up in what feels like record time.  My house has gotten a new makeover which has included a pretty massive clear out.  And I am working through this new stage of life, widowhood.  In just a few weeks our family will gather to remember Ken on the one year anniversary of his death.  It has been an eventful year, for sure.  Covid has complicated life in general.  Our family has walked through a number of "firsts" without Ken.  First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, lots of kids birthdays.  And we have added sweet baby James.  At each celebration or event, missing Ken is always there.  Even at the event of getting new carpet.  After almost a year, there are still those moments when I get surprised at the missing.

This week my Bible reading has had me mostly in Isaiah.  I have been using my "regular" Bible (actual written book) whenever I am at home.  Although I love the convenience of having my Bible always in my pocket (on my phone), there is something comforting about using the actual book.  My reading took me to Isaiah 43 and I immediately noticed the note I had written in the margin.... March 6, 1992 and the words, "Jesus Really Cares retreat".  There were lines drawn to verses 1-5.  It is funny how a couple of small written notes can bring you immediately back to a time and place almost 30 years ago!  The memory of just how powerfully those verses impacted me and gave me a new level of comfort and assurance that was very personal and real came flooding back to me.  After finishing my reading, I left my music playing on my phone and suddenly I was aware of this random song playing from the shuffle mode, I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe.  Needless to say, it was very emotional for me.  One of the lines reads.. "In the midst of deep sorrow, your light is breaking through".  You have to listen to the entire song and really hear the lyrics to understand.  I am so thankful for God's timing, bringing this song to me, just when I most needed it.  I especially love the transition in this song that ends like this... 

I am not alone, I am not alone

You will go before me, you will never leave me

You amaze me, Redeem me, you call me as your own

You're my strength, You're my defender

You're my refuge in the storm

Through the trials you've been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

It is so amazing when the words of a song capture exactly what you are feeling.  That is exactly what happened to me when this song played.  I needed the reminder that I am not alone.  I may be a widow now, living alone but I am NOT alone.  Jesus is with me.  I am constantly amazed by the faithfulness of Jesus and I am so thankful for the healing that he brings to my soul.  No matter where you are, what is happening in your life, how old or how young you are, be assured that you are not alone.  Jesus is with you and more than that, he calls each of us your own.  Yes, that is the story of God's faithfulness and the beginning of the healing for our souls.  

Jesus, thank you for these moments when you arrange the exact right song to play when we most need to hear the words.  Holy Spirit, help us stay open to these moments even when we are in the midst of difficult circumstances.  Remind us of the truth of scripture when we are being beaten up by the lies of the world.  Thank you Jesus for knowing us and meeting us all, exactly where and when we need it most.  Amen

Some fun Summer afternoon visits...

So you know how those Facebook ads can be so aggravating?  Well, I was actually quite happy to have seen a couple of interesting exhibits, both really close to my house.  The first was the Frida Kahlo art exhibit which featured original artwork and photos of Frida Kahlo.  I have only recently discovered Frida Kahlo (thanks to the Disney film "Coco"), but Ellie has read books about her and was fascinated with her handmade dresses (always the fashionista).  I offered a trip to see this exhibit to Gwen and all of the kids, but Ellie was the only taker.  We had a great "Grandma and Me Day".  

I love spending time with Ellie.  She is so articulate and really knows what she wants to do in the future.  She is a budding photographer and it made my heart so happy to watch her using Ken's "Walk around camera" to take photos on this trip.  Ken would be so glad that she is using this camera.

The second exhibit that I discovered through a Facebook ad was the Sistine Chapel exhibit.  I was really anxious to see how this digital presentation would look.  A trip to Italy seems unlikely, and even if I were to get there, seeing the Sistine Chapel artwork is done from a distance of 80 feet - looking up.  

The exhibit had some fairly mixed reviews, but I decided to go anyway.  I couldn't find anyone interested in going with me, so it was a solo adventure.  There were several video presentations that gave all the background information on the actual construction of the frescos.  Seeing these descriptions made the actual viewing of the panels up close all the more amazing.  The talent necessary to capture the realistic body shapes.  The Biblical interpretations are wonderful.  I could have spent hours just looking at each piece to take in the details.  One of the facts I learned from the videos is that Michelangelo was the first painter to ever show all of God the Father.  Before this, any artwork only shows a hand reaching from heaven or a golden cloud.  So these full body depictions of God are even more amazing.  Sadly I couldn't stand and look carefully at each panel because it was very crowded.  I did go back through more than one time and saw different things that I had missed on the first look.   I was very happy that I made the effort to see this.  

So, two very different exhibits.  One of a more modern artist, known for being a champion for women's rights and the LGBTQ community in Mexico.  And the other, a world renowned painter and sculptor from 1500's in Vatican City.  But there is much food for thought in both of these exhibits.  Walking through and taking in all the information about both artists helped bring an understanding and appreciation for their work.  Kahlo had a terrible accident in her teen years that caused a life time of pain and suffering.  Yet her work is not all gloom and doom.  She used vibrant colors and embraced her Mexican culture that was evident in all of her pieces.  And Michelangelo didn't even want to work on the ceiling frescos.  He was a sculptor first and that was his passion.  He was bribed into painting the frescos and wasn't happy doing them.  Yet God moved and these panels bring the pages of the Bible to life.  

There are great lessons to be learned from these two very different people separated by hundreds of years, many miles, and very different cultures.  Both of these artists had a Devine destiny - a plan and purpose for their life.  Both faced extreme hardships and ended up being recognized for something that wasn't even their "dream" or "passion".  Frida Kahlo loved her people and her culture.  She went against the social norms of her day and accomplished much more than you would expect from a crippled girl from Mexico.  One of her paintings is now in the Louvre in Paris - the first Mexican artist ever.  Michelangelo's sculptures are also amazing, but he brought us the Bible in art, with true inspiration from God.  Even if it took a bit of convincing for him to complete this project, it was done.  

I came away from these afternoon visits feeling very close to Jesus.  I could hear him whispering in my ear as I walked through the Frida Kahlo exhibit - "Love first".  There was so much love in her work.  She loved well and followed her heart.  So many of her clothes and paintings contained a rainbow of colors. And I was reminded to respond to all the rainbow flags just like Jesus would.... he would love first.  As I walked up close to each of the panels of the Sistine Chapel I could hear the reminder from Jesus that sometimes we need to let go of our "passion" to accomplish something so much greater than we could ever think or imagine.  And when we let go of our own plans, our own desires and the way we think things should go, THEN Jesus can do amazing things through us.   These were good lessons for me.  Loving first - even when we disagree.  Letting go - even when my plans seem so good and so right.  Jesus has got this.  He reigns and He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords!  He does amazing things!

Jesus, thank you for time to gain a new perspective through art.  Holy Spirit, continue to speak to us all as we go about our day to day tasks.  Give us gentle reminders of your direction - especially when we go off track in our own ways.  Jesus you always loved first.  You are love!  Thank you for teaching and leading and guiding us.  Amen