Missing my mom......still.....

I found this picture from 2002 of me and my mom.  I love how wonderful my mom looks in this picture.  She seems so vibrant and so "her"!  She has a cup of coffee in her hand and is sitting on a deck enjoying the outside air.  She looks happy and healthy.  This was 9 years before she died.  Yesterday marked four years since she died.  I have missed her all of those 4 years.  As I watch my own grandchildren grow and change, I think of how much she would have enjoyed them.  In a couple of weeks we will attend the wedding of the first of her great-grandchildren to get married.   Just a month ago there was a great-great grandchild born. (It's quite hard for me to imagine my sister has a great-grandchild!) I still have those moments when I think "I'll call mom" which just seems so silly.

I know last year I blogged about my less than wonderful April memories.  My mom died on April 12.  My mother-in-law died on April 15.  My dad died on April 19.  My grandmother died on April 21. My sister died on April 23.   Ken and I were talking about this yesterday, as I was remembering that it was the day that my mom had died.  And then, last night, we got a call from Ken's sister.  It seems that Ken's dad (who is 94) is not doing very well.  As a matter of fact, it seems that his time is most likely very short.  The first thought on my mind was "Not another APRIL death!"  But the truth is, he is more than ready to be out of this life.  And thanks to an amazing conversation I was able to have with him a few years ago, I am assured that he will be with Jesus when the time comes.  So, if it is April, it will be okay.

Over the last week I have been dreaming almost every night.  And I know that Jesus is trying to get my attention.  Several of the dreams had to do with mission trips.  More than one of the dreams were "repeat dreams".  A dream that I have had many times in the past.  In fact, one dream was so very vivid and clear that when I woke up, it took me a couple of minutes to realize that this had not really happened!

There has been so much "buzz" about this upcoming conference.  Just look at the line up of big name speakers.  I registered to attend this event on the first day that registration opened.  So, yes, I am going to be there.  I am slightly afraid of just how crowded it is going to be since everyone wants to be there!  I am sure that some of my dreams are related to this event.  For so long I have been feeling as if I have been in a holding pattern.  That there is something out there....right around the corner.  I am so ready for a change.  To be SURE and to KNOW that I am exactly where Jesus wants me to be.  It feels like I am stepping into a "new thing".  But after those dreams, it actually may be that I am just seeing the things that I have seen in my dreams, come into being.  So not really a NEW thing, but an expected and anticipated thing.  Please join me in praying for this conference.  Not just for the speakers, but for each person who attends.  Pray that each of us will have an encounter with Jesus and hear His voice.  

Jesus, thank you for my wonderful mom and all the years I  had with her.  Bring comfort and peace to Ken's dad during his final days.  Thank you for this upcoming conference.  Holy Spirit, bring every person to the event that needs to be there.  Give traveling mercies to all of the speakers and every person attending.  Thank you for dreams and vision and speaking to each of us.  Amen

Quite a night last night.......

So Northern Illinois had quite a night last night.  I knew we were going to be in trouble when it was 40 degrees in the morning, 72 and sunny at 1:00pm and then the storms started.  I knew that there was a tornado watch most of the afternoon and extending until 11;00pm, but I did not think it was going to be like this.

The first warning I heard was around 7:00pm.  I could see on the radar that most of the activity was west of where we live, but it was moving north and east which would put Gwen and Tim and the kids right in the path of this killer storm.  By 7:30pm their sirens were blaring and they were in the basement.  It was, thankfully quiet at our house.  I was keeping Gwen updated via text message, as I was watching the weather news on TV and also watching the radar on my phone.  As people began sending videos and pictures in of this massive wedge tornado, all I could do was pray.  In the middle of the worst of the storm hitting at Gwen's house, a new weather cell popped up south of us that had "circulation".  At somewhere around 8:30 I heard a warning that this storm would be hitting at Doug and Susie's house at 8:55 and our house at 9:10.  Suddenly, we were all in danger.  All I could think to do was pray.  Frantic prayers, begging for safety from these awful storms.  Thankfully, this southern storm cell traveled EASTWARD rather than north and both Doug and Susie and my house were clear of the storm.  By 9;30 the storm had passed Gwen's house with no real damage (other than lots of rain and large hail).  What a blessing.  Many were not so fortunate.  The devastation of this EF4 tornado is just awful.  It will be months, if not years, for the effected areas to recover.

When I finally settled in bed at around 10:30, I realized that I was still in that sort of "panic" mode.  It took me quite some time with lots of prayer to calm and finally sleep.  This was just so close to home.  There was a time when I was paralyzed with fear of tornados.  When I was a young grade schooler there was a devastating storm that destroyed a suburb near us.  I was home alone during that storm and remember being so scared.  After that, fear really grew in me.  As an adult, I still had some problems with tornados.  It was very hard to be at peace.  But after allowing Jesus to expose some of these deep fears and bring his healing into my spirit, I have been able to "weather the storms" so to speak.  When I realized that I had sort of slipped back into that fear last night, it was troubling!  I am so thankful that Jesus understands exactly where I am, no matter what the circumstance!  Our family has had plenty to deal with in the last months.  Last night I discovered that this return to fear is just another result of grief in my life.  And I felt that comfort and peace that only comes from Jesus.

Certainly Illinois is not alone in the experience of the devastation of storms.  As a matter of fact, we are not even in "tornado alley"!  So there are many people in other states that face these scary nights much more often than us.  I know that I will be much more watchful and PRAYERFUL as others face these storms!  But I am also going to be gentle with myself!  I have learned so much as I have been going through my own grief process.  It has really changed how I view so many things.

I have been "parked" in Psalm 19 during this last week.  Here are verses 7-9....from the Passion Translation

God's word is perfect in every way. how it revives our souls! His laws lead us to truth, and His ways make us wise! His teachings make us joyful and radiate His light, His precepts are so pure!   His commands, how they challenge us to keep close to His heart!  The revelation-light of His Word makes my spirit shine radiant!  Living my life in the holy fear of God keeps me faithful, and to follow him keeps me full of life!  Nothing He says ever needs to be changed.  

Today was a wonderful weather day (although it was still very windy...during the night last night we had very strong wind gusts).  It was in the 60's and sunny.  It is amazing who a few hours can make such a big difference.  During those times of storms it is good to hold on to the truth that calmer and sunnier weather is right around the corner.  Yes, the weather changes, but thankfully, God never changes and His word never changes!

Jesus, thanks for giving me grace last night as I faced that fear.  Holy Spirit, be with all those that were impacted by that storm last night.  Bring peace and comfort as they walk in grief through the coming months.  Thank you for showing me with hope during the times when I feel so hopeless.  Send that shower of hope over each of those people.  Thank you for your Word that speaks so clearly.  Amen

He is Risen Indeed! And we have hope!

 We had a very nice Easter.  I went up to Gwen and Tim's to see the kids do their Easter Egg hunt before we went to church together.  The girls looks so sweet in their coordinating dresses, hats and gloves (Anna refused to leave her hat on her head!).  Zeke was quite happy to celebrate in jeans and a polo shirt!  The kids had a successful egg hunt and then we managed to get their picture on the steps.

Oh how I love these cuties!  I love how their personalities show through in this picture.  I am imagining a picture at some point in the future when we recreate this shot.  I suspect that we will see exactly the same blast of personality from each of them.

Their church was FULL! And we were at one of three services!  It was an incredible service that highlighted.... we are alive because HE lives....AMEN!  There was a point in the service that brought tears to my eyes.  And I was not expecting it.  Pastor Dave mentioned the hope and assurance that everyone who has lost someone this year has because of Easter... because of Jesus' finished work.  I was missing Lucas even though I was remembering the HOPE, it was a bittersweet time.

After church we all met at Doug and Susie's for dinner.  Doug had smoked some amazing pork chops.  It was a wonderful meal.  Doug and Susie recently purchased a new camper and we all got a chance to see it - inside and out.  The kids loved going in and out.  And even Sammy and Kylie went inside! It will be good for Doug and Susie to get away and go camping without the worry of weather and bugs!  They already have several trips in the works.  Yes, it is good to be together.  Together we are going on, yet we are all missing Lucas.  And even in the hope, and the knowing that he is safe with Jesus, we are missing him.

Today as I was watching Zeke and Anna play, I was thinking how fast they have grown up.  I know that it is a common feeling.  Watching Anna walking around (actually toddling around...she is still quite wobbly) and listening to Zeke tell long and detailed stories just make this so clear.  Today Anna was a bit under the weather with a low grade fever and a bit of a cough.  But she was still quite happy playing.  And when you are child number 4 in your family, you are quite able to participate in things way beyond your age.....such as this.....

Not just ONE hockey stick would do....no Anna needed to have two sticks.  It amazes me how determined she is.  She will certainly be a force to be reckoned with.  I have no doubt that she will hold her own in the years ahead.  I can't wait to see how her personality develops!  

Easter is a season of new life and looking at the full life that we have because of Jesus.  So it is difficult to balance the grief and the missing with the growth and new accomplishments in our family.  The center of that balance is HOPE.  I know that I have said this over and over on this blog, but I don't know how our family would have gotten through this awful time if it were not for Jesus. 

I have been thinking a bit about my last blog and the challenge to talk about Jesus every day.  After Easter it seems even more important.  I feel as if it is imperative that others understand the hope, the joy, and the assurance that is yours when you understand who Jesus is and what he has done for us. I know that I will need some of Anna's determination and Zeke's ability to share an important story to make this happen.  How blessed I am to have these little ones to encourage me!  

Jesus, Thank you for family and times to be together.  Thank you for the seasons that remind us that spring always follows winter.  Holy Spirit continue to pour out hope and give us all the ability to share not only your story Jesus, but our own testimonies!  Thank you for determination and strength that only come from you.  Amen

Spring (and Sunday) is on the way!

So after some warmer weather today, Ken and I noticed these buds on our tree.  We are hopeful that this year we will have a blast of those white blossoms in a few weeks.  Last year, sadly, the tree did not fully bloom.  We treated it (for some kind of fungus) last year in the hope that it would stay healthy and happy this year.  So fingers crossed, there will be pictures in the future!  Spring is on its way! And so is Sunday!  Yes, I am looking forward to Easter.

It seemed like no matter where we drove today there was an Easter Egg Hunt.  As I was sitting in the car waiting for Ken to take some pictures at the Morton Arboretum, I got to thinking about this.  The first thing that came into my mind was the dream that is really the beginning of my testimony.  The dream happened when I was around 4 years old.  I was walking with Jesus in an amazing garden with beautiful flowers and trees.  Jesus was telling me all about who he was and what he had done for all of us on the cross.  He looked right in my eyes and told me "Easter is not about candy and the bunny, it is about ME and the new life that anyone who believes in me will have".  He went on to tell me that I should tell everyone about this!  I should share what Easter is really all about.

To say that this changed my life is an understatement.  I am not sure that I have yet to do what Jesus asked me to do!  I have not told everyone about this.  As a matter of fact, I would tell you that I don't feel like I am "called" to evangelism.  I have only begun to understand that what I heard in that dream is exactly the point of the Gospel message.  We are ALL charged with this task.... with the duty...to share the good news of Jesus and what he accomplished on the cross.  It is so easy to fall into the trap of believing that it is someone else's job to do the "telling".  And satan just loves to keep us in this place of keeping our mouths shut!  So not only do we not tell EVERYONE, we don't tell ANYONE! And it really doesn't matter if we think that we don't really have anyone we could tell.  The truth is we have more opportunities than we realize to spread the good news.

A long time ago, I was challenged to start every day with a prayer asking the Holy Spirit to put someone in my path that I could tell about Jesus.  I thought it was just a silly thing to do.  But I remember how surprised I was that this actually started happening!  I don't know why I stopped doing this.......But I plan to begin this again.  Starting tomorrow.  Will you join me?  And I would love to hear from you about some of those "God-incidents" that begin to happen and how you shared this story.

Yes, I think this is the wonder and the hope of Easter.  It is the anticipation of the JOY and the MIRACLE of this story.  So, for tonight I am going to rest in the memory of my dream from so long ago.  And I will begin my Easter tomorrow, with a prayer asking for a chance to share!

Jesus, thank you for reaching me in a dream even when I was just a little child.  Thank you for walking and talking with me and for looking in my eyes and holding my hand.  Holy Spirit, keep bringing us all the encounters with people that can change their life.  Thank you for springtime and the promise of flowers and buds on trees bursting forth and for Easter.  Amen

There is a Green Hill Far Away.......

Yes, this song has a special place in my heart.  I remember this song from a Good Friday worship service sometime during my Grade School years.  Because my mom worked full time, we rarely went to any "special" services.  But one year (I think it was the same year that my brother had to acolyte for all of the Lenten Services) we attended the Good Friday Service.  I remember singing this song.  My mom told me that this was her favorite Good Friday song....because it was simple but told the whole story.  And that was a great picture of my mom.  She wasn't one to use flowery words and long descriptions.  I remember sitting in the dark church as the candles were extinguished.  It was truly an experience.

And then there was Good Friday of 1964.  I am sure I am not the only person who remembers that day.  There was a 9.2 magnitude earthquake in Alaska at 3:00pm on Good Friday.  I was telling Ken tonight that I was home by myself that day and watching TV.  There was an announcement about the earthquake and I really thought that this might mean that Jesus was coming back....right then.  Okay, I was only in 4th grade and had really just started reading the Bible.  So the fact that this happened on Good Friday (when there was an earthquake when Jesus died)....well my mind just went there.  And it made that day, extremely memorable for me.

So this is a couple of my Good Friday memories.  For many years (like 18 actually) I was a church secretary.  And let me tell you, there is NOTHING like Lent and Holy Week and Easter in a church office.  There were more bulletins to actually complete and print and fold than you could ever imagine.  During those years, I was just sooooo glad to make it to Good Friday.  Yes, I was glad and very, very tired.  I am sure that many who work in the church could affirm the feeling that it is very hard to keep your focus on Jesus.... rather than on the service.   It was always a challenge for me to enter into a place of worship when I stepped into my own church.  (I never attended the church I worked at....which is a very good thing).  Glad those days are behind me. (And give your church secretary an extra hug and thank you the next time you see her).

Today I spent some time just sitting quietly and keeping my focus on Jesus.  And as I did that, this song came into my spirit.  And I found myself singing it and reflecting on that day, so long ago.  It was one of those times when I wished, so much, that I could pick up the phone and call my mom!  But then I remembered exactly where my mom is right now, and all I could do was smile.  Because of Jesus, because of his great sacrifice...and because of Easter...I have assurance and hope of heaven.
So from a reflective, dark day I found myself moving into a place of peace and even joy.  I guess it is hard to stay in Good Friday when you KNOW that Easter is right around the corner!

Jesus, thank you.  I don't think there are words to cover this day.  Just thank you.  Holy Spirit, help us all to stop and focus today so that we don't lose the power and the full meaning of Easter.  Thank you for who you are and all that you have done for us.  Amen

Thinking about Communion today...........and another "Big Event"

Yes, here is a blast from the past.  I am the "girl in the glasses" - second from the right.  And the year is 1969.  This is my Confirmation and also my first Communion.  It was a very special day to me, although the process of Confirmation was NOT so great.  We had just moved to this area and none of these kids were my friends.  As a matter of fact, they were not very nice to me at all.  They had their own little group and they were not happy that I had burst onto the scene and joined them. I felt very much the outsider. Even down to those Bibles we are holding.  Each Bible had our name inscribed on the cover.  And mine had my name misspelled and the wrong middle name. Again, not so great. So in quite typical middle school fashion, this was not a very good year for me.  But I digress....

The church was a modern, very small sanctuary, that actually had metal folding chairs instead of pews.  I think it seated around 100 people.  The Pastor was not very memorable.  We had joined this church because it was a block from our house.  So there were no big family ties to this church.  But here's the thing, on that day... the day of my Confirmation and my first Communion, something amazing happened to me.  I had a very real encounter with Jesus.   Isn't that what we all want to believe about these events?  It is never supposed to be about the pastor, or the ritual and should always be focused on Jesus.  And on that day, in that small church, I understood the miracle of Communion.  No, this was NOT on Maundy Thursday.  In fact it was in October (and for all those Lutherans out there, it was not actually on Reformation either).  But since that day, Communion has had special meaning to me.

On to Maundy Thursday......there was one particular Maundy Thursday when my church had a family meal before the service.  There were many families there and lots of children.  My own kids were there...Doug was in late grade school and Gwen was early middle school.  During the service, before the time of Communion, the pastor called the entire congregation up to the altar.  Not just near the altar but actually right up to the altar.  And then he told the story of the Last Supper.  And we were all packed in, very close as we listened to the words of the story.  And then we celebrated Communion.  I remembered watching the kids.  And I felt that amazing wonder of the supernatural power of the presence of Jesus in those common elements of bread and wine.  An added bonus to that night was the little girl who announced that she had given her heart to Jesus at that packed altar.

I have always believed that it is wrong to withhold Communion from children who know Jesus.  I am not exactly sure how the church arrived at this tradition.  I felt so strongly about this that I prepared material to help kids in second and third grade prepare to receive Communion.  It was wonderful to see kids able to be empowered with the real presence of Jesus through this meal.  Why would we want to withhold this powerful gift of the life of Jesus from our children?

So that is my Communion "Big Event" story with a bit of a Confirmation story thrown in.  You know it is good to look back on these times.  It's good to remember the reason for Communion and the events of that Last Supper. And it is good to expect Jesus to be present every time we celebrate Communion.  This day is a gift.  It is a reminder that Jesus knew that we would all need to have a concrete way to touch and taste him.  Jesus left a physical way for us to have a spiritual encounter with him every time we participate in this meal.  Isn't that amazing?

Jesus, thank you for this week filled with "big event" days.  Thank you for understanding us so well that you prepared, in advance for this Communion meal.  Help us all to keep our focus on you as we take that walk with you into the Garden,  Give us grace to walk with you through the day tomorrow as we contemplate your great sacrifice for us.  Jesus you are the way, the truth and the life!  Amen

A Seder with friends......

This morning my small group took the time to have an abbreviated Seder in thinking about Passover (and Maundy Thursday).  As usual, it was a wonderful time with friends.  We were able to talk through some of the things that we know about the Passover/Jesus connection.  It was a great prayer time as we all discussed our upcoming Easter plans.  Needless to say, we all need prayer! It was a great focus on the added "big event" of Passover (which is on Friday of this week).  

I actually brought this little booklet with me this morning and it is the first of my memory triggers for these posts this week.  Notice the date on this.......2001.  Yes, 14 years ago.  This booklet was prepared for a children's program at my church.  We had a large group of children in a midweek program and decided to do this "family" Seder event.  If my notes attached to this booklet are correct, we had 16 tables of 6-8 people.  That is over 125!  There was a leader at each table and we worked through the Seder together.  It was followed by the very best "pot blessing" meal that included a real leg of lamb!  It was an amazing time and I remember the looks of wonder on the faces of many of the children as they connected all that we had been learning about Communion and Easter with this special meal.   I was actively involved with ministry to children and youth for more than 20 years.  This event always comes to my mind as one of those God ordained things that I am honored to have carried out.

I will never forget Maundy Thursday in 1991.  Yes, I know the year for sure!  I had just started attending a new church, which was far from "traditional".  This was a change for me, and I was quite curious how they would handle these Holy Week services, which just seem to cry out for tradition.  That year we were blessed to have a presentation by a Messianic Jewish man called "Christ in the Passover".  I admit that I had never really thought much about Passover and really didn't understand what the importance might be.  That night changed my life.  I understood the Bible in a new way.  And it opened the door for me to understand how Jesus is the fulfillment of all of the Old Testament Festivals and Feasts.  There are many resources available to learn about this and I strongly encourage you to read up on not only Passover but each of the Feasts.

Tomorrow I will post a bit more on the Maundy Thursday/Communion connection for me. Yes, more memories.  And another "big event".  This has really been quite a week.  Today was a wonderful burst of spring for us.  It was 70 degrees and sunny and the windows are open.  A friend gifted me these amazing flowers.

I am so thankful for all of the little things and the not so little things this week.  I am thankful for friends and flowers and family.  I am grateful for Passover and the people who helped me understand what God was doing to reveal Jesus.  And I love the spring coming just when I most needed sunshine and warmth.

Jesus, help us all to stop and consider this week, who you are and your amazing sacrifice.  Holy Spirit encourage us all to learn and grow and understand more about the Fathers plan to redeem his people.  Continue to put people and resources in our path that would reveal your great love for us.  Bless your people in Israel and bring revelation to them of Jesus' work on the cross.  Amen