On to Christmas.....

It was really hard to think about preparing for Christmas.  I spent a great deal of time considering if I wanted to put a tree up this year.  We most likely will not have anyone at our house during this season.  We are planning to be at Gwen's for our family's Christmas this year.  And quite honestly, everything just seems sort of pointless this year.  It is hard to "celebrate" when you are grieving such an important loss.

I was thinking, once again, about my mom.

I know I have blogged about my mom and her Aunt Anna.  This picture was actually in my mom's photo album from her childhood.  I think my mom was high school age in this picture of her and Aunt Anna.  The reason that I was thinking about this picture, is that my Aunt Anna died on December 14, 1956.   I was just 2 years old.  My mom always told the story of Aunt Anna getting sick, being in the hospital around Christmas.  She always felt so sad that Aunt Anna had sent her home to be with me, and while she was gone, Aunt Anna died.  The funeral was in St. Paul, Minnesota (which was quite a long drive from Watertown, South Dakota).  My mom and dad left all of us kids at home (Jerry was in high school and I think that Karen was home from college for Christmas break) to go to the funeral.  Remember that this woman was really my mom's mother.  She was the only mother that my mom had known.  When my mom and dad returned from the funeral, they had to "do Christmas".  My mom had not done any shopping at all and she always said how very difficult it was that year.  Aunt Anna had purchased a very special coo-coo clock for my mom and dad that year for their Christmas present.  It was actually made in Germany, near the family's home.  That coo-coo clock was one of my mom's most treasured possessions.  For as many times as I heard my mom re-tell this story, I don't think I ever really appreciated it, until this year.  I really didn't understand how hard it is to be so sad when everyone else is so excited and happy.   In fact, when I was thinking about this, I remembered another day with my mom.  It was a hot summer day in Minnesota.  I was visiting my mom with Gwen and Doug (who were grade school aged).  We got to talking about the "family burial plot" in a large cemetery right in downtown St. Paul.  So we decided to drive there to visit that cemetery.  Needless to say, this was before GPS and internet directions.  My mom knew that it was in the shadow of the Minnesota Capitol.  And she knew that the church was across the street.  Off we went toward the Capitol.  I drove around up and down several streets, and then we saw a sign for the Cemetery.  It is one of those MASSIVE city cemeteries that covers blocks and blocks.  As we drove into the cemetery, I saw a change come over my mom's face.  It was as if suddenly, those funerals had just happened.  I had no idea where to go, so I just started driving.  My mom said, "go over there, by that fence.... no further up that hill..... yes....right there."  I parked the car and my mom got out.  She looked out over the fence at the steeple of the church and walked up the grassy hill.  She stopped and looked down, and yes, there were the markers of all of her family that are buried there.  I later realized just how surprising it was that we drove right up to this spot.  It is a maze of twisting and turning roads that all look very similar.  When I told my mom just how amazing this was, she said, "I will never forget standing by that fence, with the icy winter wind whipping my scarf and coat, during Aunt Anna's funeral.  I was keeping my eyes on that church steeple, and also looking at my mom's grave (she is buried close to Aunt Anna) and thinking about seeing them in heaven one day."  And just 8 months after Aunt Anna's funeral, my mom and dad would be back in that cemetery when my grandfather died.  I saw my mom actually shed tears that day in the cemetery.  Something that really never happened.  She was usually very stoic and rarely cried.  And I was thinking about that today.  

This is me with my sisters and brothers that Christmas in 1956.  Of course there was still Christmas in our house that year.  But I am sure it was different for my mom.  And I am sure it was very difficult for my grandfather (who had lost the sister who had rescued him and helped raise his children).  

So, I put up our Christmas tree yesterday.  And I placed all of those special ornaments on that tree. And I thought about Lucas, who is being lovingly cared for in heaven and missed so much here. My heart hurts and I feel helpless when I see the pain and emptiness in Doug and Susie's eyes.  But, like my mom, I will look up and hold on to hope, and think about seeing them all in heaven one day.  For now, that has to be enough.  

Jesus, thank you for helping me connect the past to the present.  You are my hope and my help during these times of great sadness.  Holy Spirit, help all of us to celebrate the amazing gift of Jesus, during this holiday season.  Comfort Susie and Doug as only you can, Holy Spirit. Help me keep my eyes on you, Jesus.   Amen

going forward....through Thanksgiving

So here it is, the evening of "Black Friday".  And what I am feeling right now is an odd mixture of tired, glad that the holiday is over, with a bit of thankfulness thrown in.  This was a very different and extremely tough holiday for our family.  It was not one of those unexpected "waves" that I've been talking about.  No, it was an EXPECTED hard event that could not be avoided or just forgotten.  As a family, we did what we have been doing..... we put one foot in front of the other and walked through Thanksgiving.  As difficult as it was for me, I really can't imagine what Susie and Doug were experiencing.  For the last few years, Gwen and Tim and the kids have been staying overnight at our house a couple of nights.   Gwen and Tim have run a 5K race early on Thanksgiving morning a couple of years now, so it has worked out that we can watch the kids while they run the race.  Gwen and I have been "Black Friday" shopping together for at least 13 years (we aren't sure exactly when my mom stopped visiting us at Thanksgiving, which is when Gwen started shopping with me).  For Gwen's family this yearly shopping trip is an important money saving event.  The purchases always include birthday gifts for each of the kids for the next year, as well as a supply of "random birthday gifts" for all of those invitations that arrive home from school for friend's birthdays.  There really are many great money saving deals on this day.  So we proceeded with our "normal" plans.  The kids really look forward to having a "sleepover" at Grandma Lyn and Grandpa's house.  And I admit it is a very special time for me also.  In spite of the bitter cold (like single digits!) Gwen and Tim ran the 5K.  And the kids and I stayed in the nice warm house and did this....

Really, is there anything better than Play Do Therapy?  We had a great time.  I even let the kids mix the colors!  Who cares when you have 8 cans of stuff that only cost $2.00?  (Thanks 5 Below).  When Gwen and Tim got home from the race, the planning began for our big shopping trip.

Don't you just love that Anna was giving her mommy and daddy some help reading the ads?  Gwen is calling out the items to put on the list, and Tim is dutifully typing them into the computer.  Yes, we are VERY organized.  We take this shopping event seriously.  I know that there is a LOT of controversy about shopping on Thanksgiving, but for Gwen and I, it is really a Godsend.  It is so much easier to leave the house at 3:30 in the afternoon, hit 5 or 6 stores and be home by 9:30pm.  That way we can easily get up at 5:30am to begin "Black Friday" shopping at the remaining 3 or 4 stores.  Let me tell you that going out at 11:30pm when the stores opened at Midnight was HARD!  And even worse was getting up at 3:30am or 4:00am  when the stores were opening in the middle of the night.  The current set up is just so much better.  Thankfully, Gwen and I made good choices on the order of the stores and we were able to purchase almost all of the items on her list.  We made the choice to stand in a line (outside, in the cold and it was snowing!) at Toys R Us for about an hour before they opened.  But this strategy allowed us to be in the first group of shoppers in the door.  We got EVERYTHING on Gwen's long list, and were checked out and in the car heading to our next stop in 15 minutes.  Yes... 15 minutes!  For the most part, people were friendly, helpful and kind. This morning, at our first stop we actually stayed in the car until the doors were open.  And we STILL got everything on our lists.  The only negative to this stop was the lack of a shopping cart!  It is really amazing how much stuff you can carry if you have to!   We were home by 9:30 this morning with our shopping complete.

To complete our "normal" Thanksgiving, we all went to Doug and Susie's house for our turkey dinner.  Usually Doug and Susie do the bulk of the cooking with Doug smoking the turkey.  This year, Doug still wanted to make the turkey (inside) but we brought the rest of the meal.  I am sure this was still quite difficult for Doug and Susie, but as I said, we are all moving forward.  It was good to sit around their table and share this wonderful meal.  I think we all needed this time together.  It was important to all of us to pray together our family mealtime grace....

"Come Lord Jesus, be our guest, and let these gifts to us be blessed, Amen"

If there was ever a time that we all needed Jesus to be there with us, it was today as we were so missing precious Lucas.  We also needed to express - out loud - that we have been given so many gifts that are a blessing to us.  Usually we talk about all that we are thankful for during this meal.  But this year it was enough that we were sitting together, in a warm house, eating good food.  I know that Jesus was sitting with us at that table.  I could feel His presence so clearly.  After we finished eating, we all went back to the family room to let our food settle a bit before desert.  Anna had been fussy all day and had not slept well at all.  Gwen discovered the reason.....her first tooth had popped through! Susie picked up Anna and to distract her, gave her a set of keys that were on the table.  Anna just relaxed in Susie's arms and laid back to look up at Doug, who was sitting next to Susie.  Within a few moments, Anna was peacefully sleeping.  Anna rarely will sleep in someone's arms.  She just doesn't do this.  I was sitting next to Susie on the couch and realized that I was holding my breath.  Only Jesus could have arranged this sequence of events.  I can't imagine who difficult this was for Susie and Doug.  But Anna is their niece, and they love her dearly. And in that moment, I felt the peace of the presence of Jesus again so clearly.  This time was a gift.  And we were so blessed.

Jesus, thank you for your presence with us that is so healing.  Thank you for helping us walk on through difficult times. Thank you for guidance and direction in all things, even shopping.  Holy Spirit, help us all to welcome Jesus into every part of our daily life.  Thank you for pouring out your blessings on us.  Please continue to comfort Susie and Doug, and help us all to know your presence
with us. Thank you for your great love.  Amen

When songs say it all......

So this song Blessed Be the Name of the Lord brought me to tears this morning.  This grief thing is taking me by surprise at so many turns.  All of a sudden I will just be hit with one of those waves of sadness that just seems overwhelming.  And then this song Who I Am was the next song up and there it was again.  This morning, it was these songs that just brought to the surface all the feelings that are swimming around in my spirit.

I was on my way to Gwen's house to watch her kids while she worked.   And I was so thankful to be able to hug Anna and Zeke this morning.

I had plenty of time to reflect on the way these songs had touched me this morning while Anna took a break for a snack.. Both of those songs are worth listening to, maybe even more than one time.  The messages that they contain are so important....not just for me...but for every one of us.  Blessed Be the Name of the Lord ends with these lyrics...

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord blessed be Your name

Yes, my heart has been making a choice to say, "Lord Blessed be your name."  It has not been easy, but there has been grace to do that.  And then as I listened to Who Am I, these lyrics touched me..

 Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

So I am just going to leave this blog tonight, with these two songs.  I am praying that as you listen to them (just click on the song titles above) you will be blessed.  It is hard to continue to be honest on this blog when honest is being undone by a couple of songs.  But I am thankful for music and lyrics that express the feelings that are in my spirit that I can't find the words to say.   And I am thankful for hugs and kisses from family members.  And I am thankful for knowing who I am.... I belong to Jesus.

Thank you Jesus for music that exposes and expresses my true feelings.  Thank you for the reminder of your great love and care for me.   Holy Spirit, reach and touch all who stop and listen to these songs and read this blog.  Jesus, thank you for hearing me when I call out to you.,  Amen

Enough for tonight.....

I don't know why, but this has been a bit of a tough day.  Nothing specific....just sort of a blah day.  It doesn't help that it has been grey and rainy all day. I went to my worship meeting tonight, and even that was sort of hard for me.  I drove home in foggy, down pouring rain.  When I turned on my computer to check my email, facebook and do this blog, I saw this post....

Good night KISS from Heaven:
I hear Him whisper... "I am enough."
"I am enough for you. When you face difficulties and limitations I will whisper into your heart, 'I am enough.' I will not shield you from every hardship, but I am enough as you walk through them with your eyes set on Me. I am enough. I will be your wrap-around-Shield in the midst of your...
difficulty.
.
"When you are lonely and seek companionship, I am enough. When your heart is troubled over many things, you must bring your soul before Me, for I am enough. When the lies of men have spoken and brought disturbance into your mind, I will wash them away, for My Word is enough.

"Your thoughts cannot contain the love I have for you. And you will never be able to comprehend with your mind the plans that I have for you. Yet I am enough and all you need to know, is I will be there for you."
"My Spirit longs to satisfy every part of you, your mind, your soul, your desires, your longings. I am enough when there is no one else near you. When darkness comes I am enough to see you through the night. Many have found in the deepest pain, that I am enough. Come and learn the secrets of satisfying grace.
"I am about to bring you into a place you have never been to before. A place of contentment and peace that the world cannot impart. You will see how I have prepared you all your life for this day of destiny. The coming season will be extraordinary and filled with delight. Answers to your prayers that were prayed long ago will be soon in coming. What looked like delay after delay will make sense to you as the clouds part and the light of glory shines through. You must know, My child, that I am enough. I am greater than your dreams, greater than your plans, and greater than your thoughts could ever be. Come and learn the secret that all My lovers learn, that I am enough for you."
John 14:5-7 The Passion Translation
⁵Thomas said to him, “Master, we don’t know where you’re going, so how could we know the way there?” ⁶Jesus explained, “I am the Way, I am the Truth, and I am the Life. No one comes next to the Father except through union with me. To know me is to know my Father too. ⁷And from now on you will realize that you have seen him and experienced him.”

For tonight, this is enough.  I don't need anything else.  I am just grateful that it showed up on my wall.  I knew that there will be days like this.  But I just didn't expect it to hit me so hard.  And I am choosing to be honest about this day.  I loved this sentence..' I will not shield you from every hardship, but I am enough as you walk through them with your eyes set on Me. I am enough. I will be your wrap-around-Shield.  Today I felt like I needed that wrap-around Shield.  And I am so grateful that Jesus was there to be that for me.

Jesus, thank you.  Thank you for who you are, for the peace that you bring, for being that wrap around shield.  Thank you for the Passion Translation that has enriched my life and brought me comfort and peace.  Holy Spirit, thank you for your encouragement to reach out to others.  Bless all those who continue to surround our family with prayer.   Amen

Time together....the most important thing

Yes, I am a "Black Friday" shopper.  Gwen and I have been power shopping for good deals for the last 10 years or so.  This year there have been so many "PRE-Black Friday" sales and I have been checking them out.  Given where our family has been in the last weeks, I haven't been looking very hard.  But yesterday something caught my eye.  I have been considering a tablet - something small enough that I could bring it with me for note taking (I'm getting a bit tired of trying to type on my Iphone).  And there, in the ad, was a tablet that seemed almost to good to be true.  So early this morning, I bought a tablet.   And before noon, Ken went out and bought a second one for himself.  I am proud to say that I managed to get the entire tablet set up by myself.  Now this is quite a feat for me.  And I am very pleased with this detachable keyboard.  I can use the tablet alone or with the keyboard.  So my Black Friday shopping began a bit earlier than usual.

The loss of Lucas has really been sort of a wake up call for me as far as "What is really important?".  I have been looking at the upcoming holidays from a very different perspective.  We have always had Jesus' birth as the central part of our celebrations.  But it suddenly seems much more important to find gifts for our family that are "event" type activities.  Things that we can do together.  If I have felt one thing over the last week, it is the importance of just being there for one another.  Being together and doing fun things together seems like exactly what we need right now.  I have the feeling that my Black Friday shopping will be a bit lighter than usual!

I have been thinking about our holiday traditions.   I loved celebrating Advent with my kids.  We always had Advent calendars and often other activities for every day during Advent.  For many years, I facilitated Advent Events for the families of our church.  Some of my favorite memories of these events center around my mom and her enjoyment and pure pleasure being able to attend with us.  She always visited us for Thanksgiving so her stays overlapped with the beginning of Advent.  As I was thinking about this today I realized that it wasn't the event that she loved so much, it was being able to be WITH us - the experience - with our family.  She loved all of the preparations that I had to do.  The cutting and planning and tracing and sorting.  Again, because she was doing this all with me.  I don't know how I have missed seeing this, but suddenly it seems very clear.   The most important thing is being together.  It doesn't matter what you are doing..... it is just having those you love close by.

This is one of my favorite pictures of my mom with Gwen and Doug.  We all loved when my mom came to visit.  It was one of the highlights of our year.  Of course, mom and I also did our share of Black Friday shopping.  There was one year we nearly froze in a bitter wind, waiting outside of a Sears store for a big buy one get one free sale.  And there was also the year that we went to Zayre's at midnight for a special big sale (those sleeping bags my mom got for Doug and Gwen were used for many, many years).  So I guess that I can now appreciate my Black Friday shopping with Gwen since we are loving it together!

Let's face it.  Relationships are what really matters.   Really being with people matters more than anything else.   And the same is especially true about Jesus.  Having a bunch of head knowledge about Jesus, knowing facts from the Bible, understanding who Jesus is, are all important things.  But without really KNOWING Jesus, you are missing out.  Yesterday I talked about prayer and how important it is.  Actually, prayer should be like talking to a good friend on the phone.  Spending time talking and listening to Jesus is really important.   Just spending time together, that is the most important thing.   Being together and feeling the love. And the good news is that Jesus is always available to be with us and He will always surround you with his love.  There is nothing better.

I realize that the beginning of this blog doesn't seem to connect with the rest!  What I mean is that I started off talking about a THING that I bought - while shopping! And I know that this seems contrary to the ending of this blog.  But it is not about the shopping, it is about the AMOUNT of shopping and the REASON for shopping that matters.   I don't think this year will be about more stuff at great prices. I will be thinking about how thankful I am to be spending time with Gwen.  I will be giving more hugs to every family member.  I will be grateful for warmth and comfort in our home.  There will be joy in just being together.  And I will be thankful for new, advanced technology that allows me to journal and blog on my new tablet.   Most of all, I am thankful for a God that wants a personal relationship with each one of us.  There is simply no better gift.

Jesus, thank you for helping me to understand what is really important.  Thank you for memories of shared times with my mom.  Holy Spirit, help us all to cherish times with family and friends.  Keep our eyes focused on what is really important.  Holy Spirit thank you for reminding me that relationships are what counts.   Amen

Thankful for prayers....and eagles

Today as I was driving around doing some errands, I saw an Eagle flying right over the ditch next to the road.  This was one of those times I would love to have had a camera at the ready to capture the sight.  At first I thought it was just a hawk, but as it flew upwards towards the pole that it landed on, I could see it more clearly.  It was certainly a bald eagle.  I have seen eagles around here, especially near the rivers.  And there have been some nesting pairs seen in the area.  But today, I felt like that eagle appeared for me.

I love the reminder that is on this picture above.....  when we love Jesus, our hearts are healed.  But what came to my mind was Isaiah 40:31......

"But those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Yes, there it is again.  HOPE!  And not just any hope, but HOPE in the Lord.  Over the last week I have loved all the reminders about hope.  Today as I watched that eagle and the effortless way it just flew to that pole, I realized that is what true strength is.  Effortless soaring.  And tireless running, And endless walking.   It's times like these that I am more and more amazed by the Bible. Each day it seems that whatever section of the Bible I read, it applies to my life right now.  I blogged about being weak and needing the strength of Jesus.  I have been blogging about hope and then today, the eagle appears right in my line of sight.

At my small group, my friends prayed that I would feel the love of Jesus.  I have to admit that this week I have felt so loved by Jesus.  In the midst of loss and grief and sorrow and feeling so scattered, I have felt loved by Jesus.  It is really beyond explanation.  And it is so good. It is certainly an answer to prayer.

Sometimes we kind of take prayer for granted.  We say "I'll pray about that".  Or "please pray for me".  But I am not sure that we really DO pray or that we really expect anything to happen.  This week has been a time when I have really FELT the prayers of so many.  I know that our family has been covered and carried on the prayers of so many.   We are moving ahead. Things are getting accomplished.  Life is going on.  And even though it is hard, we are feeling your prayers.  And we are thankful.

Jesus, thank you for the reminder that my hope in you gives me strength.  Thank you for eagles and verses that speak right into us.  Holy Spirit, thank you for prompting us to pray....for ourselves and for others.   Jesus, thank you for your great love.   Amen

The question that I can't answer....

I have discovered that I don't really know how to the answer the question "How are you?"  I don't really know how I am.  I guess I am okay.  I think I may be fine.  Okay, I am not really that okay or fine.  Right now I just am.  And that is about all I can tell you.  

Here is my story from today, that will give you a bit of an insight into my state of mind.  This morning I turned on the TV but then didn't really watch it.  I set about the various tasks that I needed to accomplish this morning.   I started some laundry, loaded and ran the dishwasher, made my grocery list and checked the ads to "price match", took some items to the recycle bin that was already at the curb for today's pickup, straightened up the living room, checked my bank balance and recorded some online payments.  It was at this point that I got ready to leave the house.  So I went to shut off the TV (which had been on all morning).  I could not find the remote ANYWHERE.  I tore apart the living room looking for it.  I looked under and in every piece of furniture.  I moved everything.  I knew that I had just had that remote to turn the TV ON!  It had to be somewhere.  Well, I spent the next 40 minutes looking for the remote.  I even shut off the dishwasher and looked inside to make sure that I didn't put it in there.  I checked the garbage can (thankfully it was basically empty since today is trash day). And then I remembered that I had taken some grocery ads to the recycle bin at the curb.  I ran outside and yes, there was the remote mixed in with the papers.  That is how absent minded and distracted I feel right now.  Ken said the worst part of losing the remote would have been having to reprogram the new one!  I agree.

Yes, grief and loss is a very odd thing to deal with.  There are times that I say I am okay, but then I realized just how scattered I really am.  It is hard to concentrate on much of anything right now.  Today I picked up one of my "old favorite" devotional books... "Psalms Now".  And I turned to Psalm 56.  I love the way it reads in this version....

"Even as I groan in complaint, O Lord, I know that this is your course for me. Truly O God I have nothing to lose, for it is in losing that I truly find that which is of everlasting value.

You are aware of my frustrations, my feelings of emptiness, and loneliness, You have promised to replenish my vessel, to make me a channel of your everlasting springs.  I am in debt, O Lord, to suffering humanity around me. 

I must be emptied again and again only to be filled from your boundless resources and then to pour out once more your blessings upon those who need.

You have delivered me from the wasteland of need.  Therefore I dedicate myself anew to the task of channeling your gifts to the parched lives of others."

I especially like the bolded part.  Jesus knows my frustrations, my emptiness and my loneliness.  I needed to remember that this morning.   When I can't express how I am doing, I am so glad that I don't have to explain how I am to Jesus.  He just knows.  And the amazing part of this Psalm reading is that reminder that Jesus is filling me up.  Not just so I don't feel empty anymore, but so His presence and power can flow out of me to those around me.

That really puts a different spin on everything doesn't it?  I don't have to know how I am right now.  I don't have to explain.  What I do know is that Jesus is filling me up with his presence and his power and his love, so that I can let that flow out of me to those around me.  And we all need to have more of Jesus right now.  So if you have asked me "how are you?" and I have given you a puzzled look, I hope you understand a bit better.  My new answer to that question is going to be  "I am getting filled up with Jesus!"

Jesus, thank you for understanding exactly where I am right now.  Thank you for your great love and care.  Holy Spirit, thank you for filling me up each and every day.   Help us to be patient with ourselves as we walk through this time of grief and help others to understand.  Amen