Looking back.....to help me look ahead

I spent some time in the last couple of days, looking at my journals and working to assemble all of the words that I have journaled for 2015.  One of the most interesting things that I found was the paper that is in the front in the picture above.  I am really glad that this paper is actually dated (5/13/07).  It was yet another "rainbow" word.  Yes, there have been many, many rainbows showing up for us.  This revelation has all "R" words that describe the colors of the rainbow...

RED -   Redeemer  (also had PINK - Romance)
ORANGE - Radiance
YELLOW - Reflection
GREEN - Restoration
BLUE - Reward
PURPLE - Royalty

I also saw a particular gifting associated with each color's "R" description.

Redeemer ....Evangelism
Radiance .....Hospitality
Reflection....Prophecy
Restoration...Healing
Reward........Serving
Royalty....... Giving

Most of these make really good sense, on lots of levels.  Red, another symbol for blood, is also often used for Jesus, our redeemer.  And Jesus is the heart of all evangelism.  I love that green is restoration and usually you think of eternal life.  And healing is certainly a big part of the restoration that happens for each of us as we grow in our relationship with Jesus.  I think you can go through each of these "R" words and see the connection to the color and then also understand the tie to the gifting.  I remember that this came to me very suddenly, at night, and I grabbed whatever was on my nightstand to jot these down.  I am so surprised that I didn't rewrite these into a journal.  Or if I DID rewrite this, I am surprised that I kept this paper!  I know that this "Rainbow" word will be on my heart and in my spirit a lot in the next months.  And there is much, much more that I have to share about what is ahead in 2015.  Watch for future blogs!

Today I did a very normal thing....I took down the Christmas decorations.  I had not put up very much so the putting away was really simple.  I have to admit, usually this is one of my least favorite activities.  I love the holidays (usually) and I hate to see the time end.  This year, not so much.  All I can say is that our family walked through this season.  We counted off the days.  There were some really sad times, but there were also some very joyful times.  Today I sighed a big sigh of relief when I moved the last box to the garage.  I am looking forward to moving ahead into January.

Another interesting thing happened today.  I actually got a one day a week nanny job that begins in January!  So it will be good for me to be back in the work force, as well as some extra income.  It was such a blessing that I have been off of work in the last months.  I know that it would have been very difficult for me to keep up with a work schedule.  But I am now looking forward to getting back into a work routine.  And I am so thankful for three days off each week.  Yes, this is a blessing.

Jesus, thank you for revelation.  Mostly, thank you for revelation about rainbows!  Holy Spirit, I love how you work in all things.  Thank you for provision of work and income.  Thank you for helping our family walk through the holidays.  Continue to give us grace and courage to walk on into 2015.  Amen

An unexpected break in the clouds

This morning when I left the house, I looked up and saw these amazing clouds.  It sure doesn't look like a typical "December" sky in Chicago.  Not that I am complaining.......   Even though it is more or less normal temperatures, we have not really had any snow to speak of.  And there have been many really warm days.  Today, I enjoyed the clear blue sky and the sun shining.  I think we all needed to see the sun shine.

Yesterday was NOT like today.  It was rainy and cloudy and cold.  Yes, a grey and sunless day.  Gwen texted that Zeke was very much under the weather.  He had been sick all night and was not doing well.  Unfortunately, Gwen and Tim had plans to attend a wedding and were planning on leaving the kids with a babysitter.  But with one kid down and the possibility of more to follow, this was out of the question.  So I volunteered to be "grandma to the rescue" and watch the kids so that they could attend this wedding.  It was a good day.  Zeke was more or less back to his normal self.  And no one else seemed to have caught that nasty stomach stuff.

Anna played happily with these "new to her" toys that first belonged to Lia!  Lia and Ellie spent several hours making "tutus" (which is just their name for skirts/dresses) out of bubble wrap and copier paper held together with tape.  I did take pictures of these creations, but decided it was not a great idea to put those pictures on this blog!  (Someday they will thank me for that!)  There was then a "fashion/talent show" that was very entertaining.  Zeke played with his trains from Christmas.  He got two large bins of GeoTracks with remote control trains.  After dinner, all four kids took a bath and got ready for bed.  Anna was asleep before I turned around.  After some interesting conversations with Zeke, bedtime prayers, and tucking in, he fell asleep immediately.  I don't think he even moved! By this time, Ellie was all set and ready for her bedtime story.  This was the book she presented to me..... and I am not kidding you!

I did not set this up.... It was on her bookcase in her room and she selected it!  And yes, it says (in Gwen's very early handwriting "Gwen Rowley and Doug".  This is MY book!).  I also read from Ellie's new princess storybook. Ellie played for a bit, but she also was asleep soon.  Lia was patiently waiting.  She wanted me to paint her nails.  So she has some not very well done rainbows painted on her nails.  Gwen is much better at this than I am.  I had some wonderful conversations and prayer with Lia that was a nice end to this day.  This was an unexpected way to spend the day...and it was very enjoyable.  Yes, the time yesterday was a lot like that blue sky this morning.  It was a break in the clouds of grey rain that brought some warmth into my spirit. 

I was thinking about the day yesterday and also today.   I remembered how much I don't like gray raining days and how much I love blue sky and sun.  I learned that shipping supplies and office supplies can be wonderful (and creative) imaginative play things.  I watched a small child be so excited when a door opened and something popped out....what fun it is to discover new things.  I saw determination and joy when a train traveled on a track constructed with three year old hands.  I was filled with love and warmth by hugs and kisses from sweet little ones, fresh out of the bathtub.  Is there anything better than those warm, wet hugs?  Nothing is as sweet as the prayers of children.  The icing on the cake was holding that special book in my hands, once again. 

The year is winding down.  I can tell you that I am not sorry to see 2014 end.  This has been a very hard couple of months.  But during these days of sorrow and grief, I have been receiving many, many words of encouragement and hope for 2015.  I have been collecting these and have been pondering them.  So many seem to have been sent specifically for me and my family.  If there has ever been a time that I felt so in need of these words, it is now.  Over the coming days I will be sharing some of what has been working into my spirit through these words.  As is always the case, I know that these words are not just for me and I am praying that many will be blessed through them.  So watch for future blogs!

Jesus, thank you for providing much needed breaks of joy and warmth in the times of cold sadness.  Holy Spirit, thank you for words of encouragement and hope that you send to us in so many different ways.  Give me strength and wisdom to sort through these messages and courage to share.  Thank you for the joy and delight of playing children.  Help us all to be like little children.  Amen

A quiet and reflective Christmas day....

This year included some more new ornaments.  Ken and I got one from Lia and one from Ellie.

Both of these were made with love by the girls.  Ellie told me that the snowflake was pink and purple because those are her favorite colors.  And it has a star in the middle, because she loves stars.  Lia said she made a rainbow angel because she loves rainbows.  

This has been the year of the angel.  And the rainbow.   And hope in the promises of Jesus.  I love that the girls decided exactly what these ornaments should look like.  I love when Jesus speaks to me through children.  When I hold that rainbow ornament in my hand, I can feel the sorrow lift from my spirit, and sense the joy and hope that the promises hold.  And that sparkly star in the center of the snowflake reminds me of the star of Bethlehem.... that draws people to the miracle of Jesus.  

Our Christmas Day was very quiet.  Ken and I actually went out for breakfast.  I know this may seem really silly on such a day, but our little local diner was open, so we decided to go.  It was very pleasant.  I was thinking about the year I nearly burned our house down!  It is sort of a "family legend"!  I was cooking breakfast in the kitchen and the rest of the family was in the living room.  I had lit the Advent wreath that was sitting on top of our entertainment unit.  I glanced into the room and saw flames coming from the wreath.  There was a burn mark on top of that piece of furniture as a reminder of that event!  Needless to say, I never quite lived that  down.  I believe that was the last real Advent wreath that we had that had regular candles.  I switched to jar candles after that!  Yes, I love all the memories of past Christmas'.   Later in the day my oldest brother called me.  I have to admit that we don't talk often.  In fact, I don't remember the last time we chatted. We tend to stay in touch via email.  So this was a surprise.  For many years, I saw my brother several times each year when I visited my mom.  Since she died in 2011, I haven't seen him!  

In fact, I looked through my pictures and this picture is the last shot I have with my sister and brother with my mom.  It was taken in August of 2010.  After our conversation I was thinking about some Christmas memories I have of my brother Jerry.  I don't think that Jerry would even know this story.  The first present that I received from someone other than my parents (or Santa) that created a memory came from Jerry.  I was 6 and in first grade.  He was getting ready to leave for a tour of duty in the Army.  He gave me "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" book and a Stadium Checkers game.  I believe that this book is now on the book shelf at Gwen's house.  I kept that book and read it over and over.  I remember reading it to both of my children.  It was the first book that was actually mine - that I did not have to return to the library!  And I loved getting a game that was a "real" game. As a matter of fact, this is one of my best memories of Christmas from my childhood..  Even typing this makes me a bit sad that I have never shared this with Jerry!  I guess I will have to remedy this by giving him a call!   

So my day included some thoughts of times long past.  I am so thankful that it also included hanging these special new ornaments on my tree.  This has been such a difficult year, yet in the midst of it all, there are the angels.....and the rainbows.....and the star.  And there have been phone calls and memories.  And there has been time together.  And there is hope.  

Yes, it was a Christmas day unlike any we have had in the past.  It was quiet.  But in that time of quiet, there was the  presence of Jesus.  I felt the love of Jesus over breakfast with Ken.  I felt the promises of Jesus as I hung that angel ornament.  I felt the hope and joy of Jesus in that star glistening on my tree.  I felt connected to my family tree and all that Jesus has sown into my generations in the phone calls with my sister and brother.  It was a full day.  And it was good.  

Jesus, thank you for speaking to me through my grandchildren.  Help me to be open to hear your voice over all the sorrow and pain.  Holy Spirit, give me grace to walk through changes.  Help us all to know your very real presence with us.   Amen

A very different Christmas Eve....

Yes, we are having a very different Christmas.  There are so many things that have changed and so many things that are different.  But there have also been some that have remained the same.  Ken and I spent the day yesterday with Gwen, Tim and the children.  This was a new thing for us - we were missing Doug and Susie very much.  And we were missing Lucas.  Even this low key celebration was just to hard for them. We understood.  It was a much quieter day than usual.  Each of the kids seemed to appreciate every present.  As expected, Anna loved the paper and ribbon as much as the present inside.  There were presents for the children and a few presents for us.  Including this really amazing tree.

Gwen's family got this sculpted tree from their church.  It was created in Haiti and is made out of a steel oil drum.  

Just holding this in my hand is quite an experience.  To imagine that it was once a steel oil drum that someone spent hours hammering and working....well that is really something.  And it is truly a thing of beauty.  I am so thankful for the heart of Gwen and Tim to support these ministries.  And for Lia, Ellie, Zeke and Anna who decided to gift this to us.   It will grace our wall for a long time.  

We snacked on some wonderful food that Tim had made and got ready to go to church.  Gwen was singing and playing at the service so she left early.  Ken and I (and Tim and the kids) left a bit later.  

With the kids dressed in their Christmas best, we headed out to church.  There had been a prediction of snow for the afternoon, but it was just a light rain.  Not really very "Christmasy".  The service was really nice.  It was so good to hear Gwen singing some of my favorite carols.  And during the worship service she played flute.  This was especially a treat for Ken (who always laments that Gwen did not decide to play flute professionally!)   Then there was the traditional candle lighting during Silent Night.  

Even Zeke held his own candle this year (with a little help from me). There is something about seeing the faces of the kids reflected in that candle light that brings the familiar story to life.  By the time the service was over, everyone was ready to return home.   Ken and I got home around dinner time.  In the evening, we decided to watch the old movie "A Christmas Story".  It was good to laugh while munching a Christmas cookie.  

Yes, it was a very different kind of Christmas Eve for us.  The thought of all that has changed in our family was very near the surface in everything that we did. But also very present was the hope of Christmas.  Everything that Jesus brought to us when he came to the world as a tiny baby.  He is the rescuer who came to bring us the assurance of an eternity with him in heaven.  Knowing that Lucas is safe with Jesus makes this Christmas more bearable.  And it reminds us how necessary it is for us to share the good news with all those we meet.  It seems so important to be like the shepherds and go out praising God and telling everyone about Jesus.  There will be much to ponder in the days ahead.

Jesus, thank you for the traditions that help us keep Christmas focused on you.  Thank you for family and friends that stand with us.  Help us to hear the message of the angels to the shepherds.  Let us be free from fear and boldly tell the world about your amazing birth.  Thank you Jesus for being our savior, our ever present friend and our strength.  Bless those workers in Haiti who labor over oil drums and bring forth beauty.  What a powerful reminder of your work in our lives.  Bless all who struggle with lose during this season.  Help us to hold on to hope!  Amen

Remembering the story.....

I spent today with Susie and Gwen (and Lia, Ellie, Zeke and Anna).  As I was giving Lia a hug, I was thinking about this particular picture.  This is Gwen and I when she was just about the same age as Lia is right now.  And I remember that this picture was most likely the first picture that Doug ever took!  This was long before digital photos and you really were careful with those 24 pictures on a roll of film!  Honestly it just seems like yesterday in so many ways.  But, the years have passed....lots of years.  And here we are in this difficult year.  We spent the day mainly just chatting and watching some television with the kids.  Even that is difficult with all the commercials with children and families, babies and pregnant women.  It seems at every turn there is another reminder for our family that we are missing a very important member.  Yes, Lucas is missed.

This morning I was reading from The Passion Translation Luke and Acts.  I loved this version of the angels appearing to the shepherds....

"That night, in a field near Bethlehem. there were shepherds watching over their flocks.  Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared in radiant splendor before them, lighting up the field with the blazing glory of God, and the shepherds were terrified! But the angel reassured them saying, "Don't be afraid for I have come to bring you good news, the most joyous news the world has ever heard! And it is for everyone, everywhere!  For today, in Bethlehem, a rescuer was born for you.  He is the Lord Yahweh, the Messiah! You will recognize him by this miracle sign; you will find a baby wrapped in strips of cloth and laying in a feeding trough."  Then all at once, a vast number of glorious angels appeared, the very armies of heaven!  And they all praised God singing
"Glory to God in the highest realms of heaven! For there is peace and a good hope given to the sons of men"

Yes, there is that word....again.....hope.  And not just hope, but a GOOD HOPE.  Christmas is really about that hope.  Last Saturday night, at the Christmas concert at Gwen's church, we saw this really funny video...... The Truth about Christmas - funny.  This is worth a watch.  You see, in the midst of our very hard year and this time of struggle to just walk through this season, in missing Lucas so much, we need to laugh.  And we also need to focus on what is really important.  Please take a moment and watch this link.  And laugh with me.  And remember that the HOPE of Christmas - the truth of Christmas - Jesus is what is really important.    I will be watching this more than one time.  Today it feels good to laugh.

Jesus, thank you for time together with family and friends.  Thank you for speaking into our situations with your Word.  Holy Spirit, thank you for using new translations and videos and Facebook and blogs to touch us and to share the Good News of the birth of Jesus.  Thank you for your love and care and for your presence with us, especially in the hard times.   Thank you for GOOD HOPE!  Amen

keeping on....keeping on

Last night Ken and I went to Gwen's church for their yearly Christmas concert.  It is always good to sit back and listen to some Christmas music, to see the grandchildren and to focus on the season.  An added bonus was getting to hear Gwen sing and play.  Honestly, this has been a very tough couple of days.  Over and over you hear how hard holidays are for those who have lost loved ones.  Living it is just something else.  Hard just doesn't describe it.  And the bad thing is, everyone in our family is going through this and we all have our own struggles.  Yet we have to try to get through this season together.  What each of us needs sometimes conflicts with what someone else is able to do.  And so there is another layer of sorrow and grief with this season.  That is why every opportunity to turn my eyes to the reason for the season, is so important.  I seem to need lots and lots of reminders to just keep on.  So this event last night was much more than just a concert.  It was necessary.

There are so many on my Facebook feed who are ill, who have family members who are sick, those who have lost family members, or are facing terrible financial troubles or many other problems.  So my family has lots of company on this journey of keeping on during this Holiday.  Yet even though there are many, many on this path, it is so terribly lonely.  In years past I know that I was completely unaware of those who were not so happy during Christmas.  And I am feeling sorry and ashamed at my lack of compassion towards them.  It is amazing to me that so many people expect that our family should just be okay.  But the truth is, there is no time table to grieving.  And what is easy for some, is impossible for others.  I have said that we need to be gentle with ourselves and with each other.  But sometimes even that is hard.

This morning I woke up singing this Advent hymn.  I first learned this hymn when I taught it to a group of children.  I couldn't image why I was thinking of this hymn.  Until I looked closely at the words.  Advent is a time of waiting and anticipating the amazing wonder and miracle of the birth of Jesus.  This hymn starts off with the encouragement to us to rejoice.  And the rest of the hymn is our reason for hope.  And hope has been my "key word" this year.  I love the third verse.  The reminder - the hope - that we will live and reign forever in a place with no sorrow.  There we will be with Jesus and before the throne of glory.

Rejoice, Rejoice, Believers
By: Laurentius Laurentii, 1660-1722

Rejoice, rejoice, believers, And let your lights appear;
The evening is advancing, And darker night is near.
The bridegroom is arising And soon is drawing nigh.
Up, pray and watch and wrestle; At midnight comes the cry.

The watchers on the mountain Proclaim the bridegroom near;
Go forth as He approaches With alleluias clear.
The marriage feast is waiting; The gates wide open stand.
Arise, O heirs of glory; The bridegroom is at hand.

The saints, who here in patience Their cross and sufferings bore,
Shall live and reign forever When sorrow is no more.
Around the throne of glory The Lamb they shall behold;
In triumph cast before Him Their diadems of gold.

Our hope and expectation, O Jesus, now appear;
Arise, O Sun so longed for, Over this benighted sphere.
With hearts and hands uplifted, We plead, O Lord, to see
The day of earth’s redemption That sets Your people free!

Yes, I needed to see these words today and focus on that hope more than my own stress.  This is a great reminder that we all need to "let our lights appear".  We need to shine during these dark times.   And we need to pray and watch and wrestle our way through this life.  I love the last verse...... with hearts and hands uplifted, WE PLEAD for Jesus to come.   Yes, I have been doing quite a bit of wrestling in the last weeks.  And more than my share of pleading.  And the good news is that in just a couple of days we will be celebrating that our Emmanuel has come to dwell with us.  So I will continue to hum this old hymn and feel my spirit actually begin to rejoice just a little. Join me and lets shine our lights brightly!

Jesus, thank you for music and giving us all reminders of our great hope.  Holy Spirit, thank you for putting this song on my heart today.  Help all of us to rejoice in spite of the darkness.  Thank you for reminding me to hold on to hope and to be more gentle with myself in the midst of sorrow.  Jesus, thank you for the promise of an eternity with no sorrow or grief and the joy of your presence.  Thank you for your grace and power to just keep on.  Amen

Another dose of hope....

It has been an interesting couple of days.  I was so grateful to gather with my prayer group friends for fellowship and prayer.  This sweet ornament was a gift from that occasion.  An angel of hope.  Yes, I really needed that message.  And now I can see that reminder each time that I look at my tree. This prayer group is such a gift to me.  I just don't know what I would do without their support and encouragement.  And of course, their prayers.

You know, it is very difficult to walk through a family crisis during a time of celebration - for everyone else.  I have been feeling this even more intensely as Christmas approaches.  Quite frankly, tonight, I would rather it just jump ahead to January.  But then, as I reflect on that thought, I realize that the last thing that I need right now is to skip the most important event in history.  The birth of Jesus - Emmanuel - God with us.  For never has there been a time that I personally, so needed Jesus with me as right now.

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So this blog did not get finished last night, since my computer completely locked up.  Ken received notification that we had "malicious mal ware" on one of our computers....guess which one!  So thankfully, Ken spent many hours last night, scanning and deleting and doing all those "techy" kind of things so that I can have a working system.  And finish this blog.  Yes, I am so thankful for a husband that can step in and help make things right for me (and my computer!)
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Yes, Christmas is a time to gather as family.  To worship and praise with the angels.  But it is also a time when the losses are much more apparent.  When that chair is empty at the family dinner, or there are no presents for that person.  So sometimes, it is just to difficult to gather.  And it is a time to consider making NEW traditions and letting go of some of the old ones.  Sometimes that is just what you need.....a new thing.

There have been many prophetic words about 2015.  All of them focus on the great blessings that 2015 will hold.  Some even talk of the repayment in double of the losses that have been suffered in the last year.  All of them proclaim that 2015 will be a New Year of Great Grace.  So, yes, I am looking forward to stepping into 2015.  There is great hope in a new year.  Hope for fulfilled promises.  Hope for new beginnings.  Hope for blessing and love.  And I am anticipating, with great hope, that new thing.  Yes, Christmas is difficult.  But the spirit of Christmas is love.  So great a love that God sent his son to live among us.  And because of Jesus' death and resurrection, there is great HOPE!   I will purpose to walk through Christmas with that spirit of love bathed in the hope of the new year.

"For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."  John 3:16

Thank you for knowing and accepting us right where we are.  Jesus, you never ask us to be anything but true to ourselves.  Thank you for loving me and caring for me, even when things are difficult.  Thank you for family - for the closeness and the love.  Thank you for friends and the prayers that sustain us.  Thank you for wisdom and knowledge to repair computers. Thank you for the amazing gift of a tiny baby that brought heaven to earth.  Thank you for your great promises and the new things that bring us hope.    Amen