When you are just not "fine'....

How often do we ask each other, "How are you?"  And just as often don't really listen to the answer that is given?  Most people just sort of respond, like a recording, "fine."  If there is one thing about this pandemic, this shelter in place, it is that not many people are FINE right now.  I don't know a single person who could honestly say that they are fine.  And I suppose, this should help somehow.  But knowing that everyone is not fine, doesn't erase your own very not fine.  Even my most well grounded in the Lord friends are feeling shaken during this time.  It seems that no one is really sleeping well.  Either from lack of  activity or from anxiety and fear and concern for others.  This time feels unending.  Every day just blurs into the next one.  In my area, we have at least three more weeks of these lonely, uneasy days. And the hardest part of all of this - the loss of community.

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This was my devotion today.  Doesn't it look like it was written for exactly where we are right now?

It is a cry for community.  If I have learned one thing in the last months, it is that I really need community.  All of my community.  My family - my kids and my grand kids, my friends, my small groups and Bible study friends, neighbors,  even the servers at the restaurants that Ken and I visit often, yes these are my community and the ones I am missing so terribly right now.  Although I have stayed connected via phone, Facebook live, Facetime, and zoom, it is just not the same.  I suddenly crave human contact.   Not "social distant" contact but all of those hugs and touches that we all took for granted just a few months ago.  I can only assume that the writer of this blog was on to something.  When she wrote this book (in 2017), people did not realize exactly how important community really is.  She needed to remind her readers not to take community for granted.  Not to forget the treasure that family and friends are and how they help by sharing our good times and our hard times.  It is also a reminder that we are all called to BE community for those around us.  In fact, we are called to be community to "fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).  Yes, a pretty heavy devotion for right now.

During a recent Zoom Bible study, I mentioned that I have gotten kind of irritated at the numerous messages and calls and posts I have gotten inquiring how Ken and I are doing during this time.  I sort of got tired of saying "FINE" when really, neither of us are fine.  This devotional has brought a new slant to these messages.  Most of these inquires were from people just being community and doing their best to fulfill the law of Christ.  It is much easier to be "fine" when you are not really being seen by the person doing the asking.  Admitting that you are not fine is really the biggest challenge of this pandemic. 

So, here is the reality of our current situation.  Ken is not fine.  He is suffering with some really low blood levels that have required numerous blood transfusions.  With the current "shelter at home" and COVID-19, our hospitals are on lock down.  And the doctors that Ken needs to see right now, are the ones busiest with very sick patients.  It has been scary and frustrating to say the least.  Even trying to get the doctors a message is difficult.  So I have been not very fine either.  Every lab test and procedure is done without me.  It is difficult to figure out what the doctors are thinking.   And so, we sit at home, wondering what is ahead for Ken's health.  He has a number of appointments next week so hopefully we will have a plan going forward.  The only places we have gone in the last month are the lab and the hospital and the clinic. 

On a personal level, in addition to being frustrated and worried and scared about Ken, I have been feeling lonely and depressed and sad.  Usually Lent and Holy Week and Easter are amazing wonderful spiritual times for me.  Honestly, this year has been a struggle for me.  Losing the connection to my community has not helped. This pandemic can not stop Easter.  Jesus is alive, He is risen and we will celebrate!  The pandemic can not stop spring from bursting forth.  Our tree is just about ready to be clothed in white blossoms.  The flowers are up and yellow, white, and purple blooms are everywhere.  Last week we had several days with temperatures over 60 and sunny.  So, in spite of how I am feeling right now, I know that this will pass.  We will be able to leave our homes.  Stores will be open and restaurants will have wait times for tables.  The parks will reopen and the paths and walkways will be filled with people.  But I pray that things do not go "back to the way things were."  I pray that people stay in touch - not just via message.  I pray that doorbells get rung and hugs get given.  Hopefully we will not lose the appreciation for "essential workers" that is evident everywhere right now.  Even if sports resume, I pray that they don't replace worship of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  And I pray that families will not forget just how good it was to spend so much time together, even doing nothing at all.  May there be less driving around to activities and more laughter at the family dinner table.  And I pray that we will all make time to visit those places of worship that we watched on Facebook live.  Most of all, I pray that families will come together and be happy just being together.  And grandmas will get lots of hugs and kisses and there will be a lot giggles and fun.  That is the picture that keeps this grandma going during these dreary days alone. 

Last night I had one of those really strange things happen.  I was watching a video on my phone and "accidentally" my thumb must have hit one of the videos in the lineup below the one I was watching.   This is what started playing, Dallas Holm, Rise Again.  I haven't heard this song for so many years.  In the 80's this was one of my favorite songs.  I so needed to hear this during this time.   If you need a huge dose of hope and a reminder that Easter follows Good Friday, stop and listen to that song.  It is worth the few minutes to let this touch your soul.   Even in the darkest time of Good Friday, Easter morning is coming. 

Jesus, thank you that we do not "social distance" from you.  You are with us always and never leave us.  Thank you for fulfilling your destiny to bring us back to your Father through your sacrifice on the cross.  Holy Spirit remind us that darkness is not forever.  Give us courage to continue to walk on through the hard times.  Thank you for music that touches our soul.  And Jesus, thank you for cell phones, the internet, Facebook and Zoom that keep us in community.  Amen

Knowing what is really important during this pandemic

I got up this morning, took a shower and got dressed - in pajamas - for another day, at home.  It is April 1st.  I had no idea I would be STILL doing this routine in the month of April.  And there is now a pretty good chance that it could be just like this on May 1st also.  As usual, the coffee pot was calling me.  I keep a few Kcups close to the pot, but have my big box stashed in the cupboard.  I took out the last Kcup and went to the cupboard to refill by the pot.  My heart sank as I opened the door to the secret stash of goodness, when I realized IT WAS EMPTY!  I am now totally out of coffee.  While there are many other much worse problems in the world right now.... I AM OUT OF COFFEE!   Any other year, I would just hop in the car and run out to the store for all of the items that we are running low on.  But not this year.  Not with Covid-19.  Not with the shelter in place order. 

This has been a wild few weeks for most everyone.  Kids home from school, parents not working, trying to not lose our minds having to stay inside. Fear and worry.  Anxiety.  Concerns for finances.  All for an unseen tiny virus.   For Ken and I, well we have sort have been on this lock down since January 1st!  And, quite frankly, Ken is still dealing with health issues.  Those came to a head this week. 

Both Ken and I had "health emergencies" in the last week.  Ken had been losing energy and strength over the last few weeks.  I became concerned and we had a telephone visit with his doctors.  We decided that it was necessary that we go to the outpatient lab so Ken could have blood work done.We had been avoiding anything medical at all costs!  So, we ventured out for that, trying to stay away from everyone.  He had his blood taken, and then we waited to hear back from the doctor.  Just to make things interesting, out of the blue I got a serious nose bleed.  Think the worst bleed you could imagine.  After over an hour trying to control it, Ken called 911.  The paramedics came and thankfully, we got the bleed stopped after about an hour.  I seemed to be fine for a couple of days when I had another bleed that I could not stop.  So I decided that I had to go the ER.  Not what I wanted to do.  So Ken drove me to the ER and he stayed in the car.  They were able to stop the bleeding and determined that I had a serious sinus infection.  They applied medication high in my sinuses, packed my nose and gave me strong antibiotics.  Needless to say, Ken and I did not need this!  Then the very scary results of Ken's blood work came in and he needed to be admitted to the hospital for blood transfusions.  Because of the Covid-19, I was not allowed to see him during his stay.  It was a tense few days.  Ken got the blood he needed as well as numerous tests to rule out anything other than the liver infection that we know he has, as the cause of his low blood levels.  

As I was waiting for the call saying Ken was released from the hospital, I saw this robin right outside of our door.  I know that the bird saw me, but he/she was not the least concerned.  There must have been some tasty bugs or worm under those dry leaves, because that bird dug and dug for several minutes.  Robins are a sure sign that springtime is here and I surely needed that sign yesterday.  It has been a long, trying winter - not just for the Rowley household but for everyone.  

Then, as we were walking in the door, I noticed that our flowering crab apple tree has started to bud.  I was stopped in my tracks, looking at those little bursts of new life.  We all need a burst of new life.  

This pandemic thing is not over yet.  As a matter of fact, I am not so sure we are 1/2 through it.  But the most amazing thing is happening.  Spring has come and more than that, Jesus has risen!  

It will be sure be a Holy Week and Easter that we can not forget.  We will not be together with family and friends on Palm Sunday to wave branches and shout Hosanna!  We will not be gathering together around the table to celebrate the Last Supper.  Our Good Friday celebrations will be solo remembering of Jesus' sacrifice for us.  And our Easter will not include shouting together, "He is Risen" and "He is Risen Indeed"!    I was talking with Lia today about our family celebration that would not be happening on April 12.  It will happen, just on some date in the future.  I reminded Lia that Easter has not changed.  Jesus is alive and we will still be celebrating that on the 12th.  But we are much more in a position like the disciples on that first Easter.  They were locked in their rooms, fearing being called out as friends of Jesus.  That is until Mary arrived with the amazing news that Jesus had risen!  Then they all ran out to see for themselves.  

I am convinced that Jesus is using this time to prepare us.  He wants us to be ready to run out and tell the world that He has risen!  I am imagining what it will look like when all of these "shelter in place" orders are lifted.  I know that stores, the restaurants, the parks and the playgrounds will be filled with people.  It will certainly be a joy-filled time.  Families will be together and there will be hugs and kisses and so much food. Every crisis seems to bring out the best in people, and this pandemic is no different.  Neighbors are sharing food, strangers are helping each other.  So much good is happening amidst the danger. We need to hang on to this sharing and caring when this crisis ends. 

 We will need to be intentional, to remind ourselves that sharing is caring.  To think about our neighbors and not lose all that we have gained during this time.  It will take effort, but I know that we can accomplish this.  Beyond that, my prayer is that we not miss the chance to run out and share the Good News with the world that Jesus is the answer. Jesus is bigger and more powerful than the Corona virus.  He is the Savior.  He is the all in all.  This is the foundation of everything and the most important focus during this pandemic.  

So I will concentrate on keeping my focus on Jesus while "social distancing" and "sheltering in place".  I will remember that my neighbors are also suffering during this time and find ways to help.  And I will worship and praise and pray, remembering that although I may be alone in my home, I am joining a great cloud of witnesses.  I will celebrate, Jesus is risen!  He is risen indeed!

Jesus, thank you for loving us so much that you came and rescued us.  You are our comfort when we are scared.  You are the peace that still the storms around us.  Holy Spirit, grow us all during this time.  Bring us to new levels of your love.  Give us wisdom to stay safe and courage and boldness when we are released.  Thank you for springtime.  For all the signs of new life.  Amen