Birthday Blessings and the last couple of weeks.

I had such a nice birthday.  My day actually fell on Labor Day this year so it was easy to plan a family time together.  I wanted to show off my new carpeting so we met at my house.  As the kids get older it is so funny to watch how they spend their time here.  My box of toys was hardly touched at all, thanks to good weather and the ability for the kids to be outside.  All of us spent some time enjoying my screen porch.  Doug and Susie brought the great smoked meat - Ham and Ribs.  It was so good!  

It was certainly a bit sad since I was remembering my last birthday.  Ken and I went out to dinner and it was really the last time that we ate in a restaurant.  He was pretty sick for the remaining couple of weeks of his life.  But everyone admired my new carpet and there was a lot of good family time.   I had a few projects that needed doing and Tim was able to accomplish them all in less than half an hour.  I am so incredibly thankful for both Tim and Doug and the ways that they keep up with all the stuff I need done around the house.  It is a reminder for me of just how blessed I am to have my family close by.  

I was not expecting September 11th to hit me so hard this year.  I don't know if it was the 20th anniversary of that event, or the fact that it just compounded my grief after losing Ken.  But it was really difficult for me. It's so hard to believe that every kid in school (even most college students) have no memory of that day.  It seems so close and so real, even though I had no direct connection to the events that day.  I am pretty sure that all of the talk about 9/11 just made my grief come to the surface a bit more. Which is not a bad thing at all.  I know that I have not always been honest about how difficult some things have been for me.  Just this past week I had to fill out a form and needed to check the box "widowed" instead of "married".  It felt really terrible.  I know that it will get easier, but it was just one of those small things that felt like a very big thing at the time.  

 One of the best things to counter all these deep feelings, is spending time with the kids.  I am so thankful for each day spent just being with these littles and getting hugs from them.  Last week, even though it was mid September, Anna, Zeke and Ellie and I spent a couple hours in their pool.  I love swimming so much and the pool is really my happy place.  Even though the air was cool and the sun was low and behind trees, the water felt great!  I just love seeing those kids swim like little fishes.  Anna can only just barely touch on her tip-toes in that pool, but she swims all over!  It was certainly a day brightener for me.

I have been able to spend some great days with Grace and James also, since Susie has returned to work.  On one of the more pleasant days, James sat outside with us as Grace and I played.  We amused him with bubbles and he loves to watch the trees blow in the (ever present) wind!   It is hard to believe that he is almost 4 months old already!  Last week he grabbed onto a ring on his playmat and he is very close to rolling from his back to his front.   They grow up so fast!

I have been so thankful for the Bible Study that I am doing with a great group.  It is a study of Psalm 40.  I have always called this my "slimy pit" Psalm and for sure, it is my favorite Psalm.  Over 30 years ago this Psalm spoke to me and gave me a hope for the future.  At a time when life seemed so chaotic and so stressful and when I felt like I was in the slimy pit of despair, Jesus spoke this to me.  With a lot of hard work  and with many, many hours of prayer and counseling and teaching, I was able to finally feel my feet planted solidly on THE Rock (Jesus).  I could not begin to tell you how many times I have quoted this Psalm to others when they have felt themselves stuck in hard places.  This is a Psalm that not only contains the good news that God will help us out of those hard places, it includes the promise that He will change us.  And then the best and biggest hope filled line is this..... "Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him".   I don't know about you, but for me, knowing that my story might help others have hope and trust in Jesus is the very best thing.  I don't think it is an accident that this is the study I am doing right now.  I needed the reminder that Jesus has much more ahead for me and He will not leave me in any down or stuck place.  Here are the first three verses of Psalm 40...

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire.  He set my feel on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.   He put a new song in my  mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.  

If you are feeling a bit shaky right now, or stuck in place you can't seem to get out of,  I encourage you to read and meditate on this Psalm.  And which one of us doesn't feel that way right now with Covid and mask mandates and vaccine drama?   Take a few minutes and just let those first three verses sink in and feel Jesus helping settle your spirit.  I know I am not the only one who needs this right now.  Start each day with these three short verses and watch God's faithfulness shine through.  Then, let me know how Jesus has spoken to you in this!  

Jesus, thank you for bringing exactly what we need, when we feel desperate.  Holy Spirit, remind us that  Jesus is the ROCK we can place our feet on for a firm and steady foundation.  Bring the right people into our path that will help us to know you better.  Thank you for loving us and listening to our cries for help.  Thank you for the new songs your are bringing to us.  Amen

Another sure sign that you are getting old!

I had an experience this week that marks a new phase of "getting old"!  I knew this was coming, and had anticipated that it would be some time before the reality of it would hit me.  On Monday, Gwen casually asked me if I wanted to go to Hobby Lobby with her.  Of course the correct answer is always yes to Hobby Lobby.  But then...... it happened!  Lia had the car keys in her hand!

 So I became a "back seat passenger" in (what used to be) my car, with Lia at the wheel.  Wait a minute... wasn't she just a teeny tiny baby?  How did this happen?  When did those years just fly by?  But seriously, Ken would have just loved to see this day.  One of the last bigger decisions that he made was to give this car to Lia for the not so distant time when she would be driving.  Ken actually picked this car and its very sporty version.  It is a coupe - something not so ordinary in today's world.  A two door car.  He drove it for about 3 years and when the time came for a new vehicle for us, it was decided that I would get rid of my (much older) car and drive this one.  The new car that Ken picked out at that time, is the car that I am now driving.  I am glad to have a bigger, larger more comfortable vehicle.  And, while it will be a long nine months until Lia actually gets her license, she is quite comfortable driving with her mom (or dad) by her side.  I am very proud of the confident young women she is.  But let me tell you, sitting in that back seat was just another time when I felt that "generational shift" happen.  Although I've been a grandma for over 15 years, I still don't FEEL like a grandma most days.  But there are these occasions when I feel that bump up that family tree more clearly.  

It has been a nostalgic couple of weeks for me.  I wasn't expecting to feel anything but relief and thankfulness, so I was surprised when this day arrived with some of those feelings.  The 43 year old carpet in my bedroom was finally replaced.  In fact ALL of the carpet in my upstairs is now brand new.  It was quite the effort with furniture moving and clearing out that preceded the actual installation.  This is actually a picture of the 43 year old, gold shag, builder grade carpet that has been in that room since the day Ken and I moved in.  I started thinking about all of those years and the life that happened in this house.  And I confess, I did get a bit teary. It sure didn't last long until the best change was made.

I am very thankful for the end result.  A wonderful home with new carpet, with much fewer allergens and dust to aggravate my nose, and a fresh new look. 

It is amazing how much difference it makes to have new carpeting.  It seems so quiet and feels so soft to walk on.  It does feel like I am walking into a new chapter in so many ways.  My grandchildren are growing up in what feels like record time.  My house has gotten a new makeover which has included a pretty massive clear out.  And I am working through this new stage of life, widowhood.  In just a few weeks our family will gather to remember Ken on the one year anniversary of his death.  It has been an eventful year, for sure.  Covid has complicated life in general.  Our family has walked through a number of "firsts" without Ken.  First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, lots of kids birthdays.  And we have added sweet baby James.  At each celebration or event, missing Ken is always there.  Even at the event of getting new carpet.  After almost a year, there are still those moments when I get surprised at the missing.

This week my Bible reading has had me mostly in Isaiah.  I have been using my "regular" Bible (actual written book) whenever I am at home.  Although I love the convenience of having my Bible always in my pocket (on my phone), there is something comforting about using the actual book.  My reading took me to Isaiah 43 and I immediately noticed the note I had written in the margin.... March 6, 1992 and the words, "Jesus Really Cares retreat".  There were lines drawn to verses 1-5.  It is funny how a couple of small written notes can bring you immediately back to a time and place almost 30 years ago!  The memory of just how powerfully those verses impacted me and gave me a new level of comfort and assurance that was very personal and real came flooding back to me.  After finishing my reading, I left my music playing on my phone and suddenly I was aware of this random song playing from the shuffle mode, I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe.  Needless to say, it was very emotional for me.  One of the lines reads.. "In the midst of deep sorrow, your light is breaking through".  You have to listen to the entire song and really hear the lyrics to understand.  I am so thankful for God's timing, bringing this song to me, just when I most needed it.  I especially love the transition in this song that ends like this... 

I am not alone, I am not alone

You will go before me, you will never leave me

You amaze me, Redeem me, you call me as your own

You're my strength, You're my defender

You're my refuge in the storm

Through the trials you've been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

It is so amazing when the words of a song capture exactly what you are feeling.  That is exactly what happened to me when this song played.  I needed the reminder that I am not alone.  I may be a widow now, living alone but I am NOT alone.  Jesus is with me.  I am constantly amazed by the faithfulness of Jesus and I am so thankful for the healing that he brings to my soul.  No matter where you are, what is happening in your life, how old or how young you are, be assured that you are not alone.  Jesus is with you and more than that, he calls each of us your own.  Yes, that is the story of God's faithfulness and the beginning of the healing for our souls.  

Jesus, thank you for these moments when you arrange the exact right song to play when we most need to hear the words.  Holy Spirit, help us stay open to these moments even when we are in the midst of difficult circumstances.  Remind us of the truth of scripture when we are being beaten up by the lies of the world.  Thank you Jesus for knowing us and meeting us all, exactly where and when we need it most.  Amen