Another sure sign that you are getting old!

I had an experience this week that marks a new phase of "getting old"!  I knew this was coming, and had anticipated that it would be some time before the reality of it would hit me.  On Monday, Gwen casually asked me if I wanted to go to Hobby Lobby with her.  Of course the correct answer is always yes to Hobby Lobby.  But then...... it happened!  Lia had the car keys in her hand!

 So I became a "back seat passenger" in (what used to be) my car, with Lia at the wheel.  Wait a minute... wasn't she just a teeny tiny baby?  How did this happen?  When did those years just fly by?  But seriously, Ken would have just loved to see this day.  One of the last bigger decisions that he made was to give this car to Lia for the not so distant time when she would be driving.  Ken actually picked this car and its very sporty version.  It is a coupe - something not so ordinary in today's world.  A two door car.  He drove it for about 3 years and when the time came for a new vehicle for us, it was decided that I would get rid of my (much older) car and drive this one.  The new car that Ken picked out at that time, is the car that I am now driving.  I am glad to have a bigger, larger more comfortable vehicle.  And, while it will be a long nine months until Lia actually gets her license, she is quite comfortable driving with her mom (or dad) by her side.  I am very proud of the confident young women she is.  But let me tell you, sitting in that back seat was just another time when I felt that "generational shift" happen.  Although I've been a grandma for over 15 years, I still don't FEEL like a grandma most days.  But there are these occasions when I feel that bump up that family tree more clearly.  

It has been a nostalgic couple of weeks for me.  I wasn't expecting to feel anything but relief and thankfulness, so I was surprised when this day arrived with some of those feelings.  The 43 year old carpet in my bedroom was finally replaced.  In fact ALL of the carpet in my upstairs is now brand new.  It was quite the effort with furniture moving and clearing out that preceded the actual installation.  This is actually a picture of the 43 year old, gold shag, builder grade carpet that has been in that room since the day Ken and I moved in.  I started thinking about all of those years and the life that happened in this house.  And I confess, I did get a bit teary. It sure didn't last long until the best change was made.

I am very thankful for the end result.  A wonderful home with new carpet, with much fewer allergens and dust to aggravate my nose, and a fresh new look. 

It is amazing how much difference it makes to have new carpeting.  It seems so quiet and feels so soft to walk on.  It does feel like I am walking into a new chapter in so many ways.  My grandchildren are growing up in what feels like record time.  My house has gotten a new makeover which has included a pretty massive clear out.  And I am working through this new stage of life, widowhood.  In just a few weeks our family will gather to remember Ken on the one year anniversary of his death.  It has been an eventful year, for sure.  Covid has complicated life in general.  Our family has walked through a number of "firsts" without Ken.  First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, lots of kids birthdays.  And we have added sweet baby James.  At each celebration or event, missing Ken is always there.  Even at the event of getting new carpet.  After almost a year, there are still those moments when I get surprised at the missing.

This week my Bible reading has had me mostly in Isaiah.  I have been using my "regular" Bible (actual written book) whenever I am at home.  Although I love the convenience of having my Bible always in my pocket (on my phone), there is something comforting about using the actual book.  My reading took me to Isaiah 43 and I immediately noticed the note I had written in the margin.... March 6, 1992 and the words, "Jesus Really Cares retreat".  There were lines drawn to verses 1-5.  It is funny how a couple of small written notes can bring you immediately back to a time and place almost 30 years ago!  The memory of just how powerfully those verses impacted me and gave me a new level of comfort and assurance that was very personal and real came flooding back to me.  After finishing my reading, I left my music playing on my phone and suddenly I was aware of this random song playing from the shuffle mode, I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe.  Needless to say, it was very emotional for me.  One of the lines reads.. "In the midst of deep sorrow, your light is breaking through".  You have to listen to the entire song and really hear the lyrics to understand.  I am so thankful for God's timing, bringing this song to me, just when I most needed it.  I especially love the transition in this song that ends like this... 

I am not alone, I am not alone

You will go before me, you will never leave me

You amaze me, Redeem me, you call me as your own

You're my strength, You're my defender

You're my refuge in the storm

Through the trials you've been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

It is so amazing when the words of a song capture exactly what you are feeling.  That is exactly what happened to me when this song played.  I needed the reminder that I am not alone.  I may be a widow now, living alone but I am NOT alone.  Jesus is with me.  I am constantly amazed by the faithfulness of Jesus and I am so thankful for the healing that he brings to my soul.  No matter where you are, what is happening in your life, how old or how young you are, be assured that you are not alone.  Jesus is with you and more than that, he calls each of us your own.  Yes, that is the story of God's faithfulness and the beginning of the healing for our souls.  

Jesus, thank you for these moments when you arrange the exact right song to play when we most need to hear the words.  Holy Spirit, help us stay open to these moments even when we are in the midst of difficult circumstances.  Remind us of the truth of scripture when we are being beaten up by the lies of the world.  Thank you Jesus for knowing us and meeting us all, exactly where and when we need it most.  Amen