Can't seem to blog when I have TOO MUCH TIME.....

I just realized that I haven't blogged for over a month.  And that just doesn't seem possible.  But in total truth telling, I have just plain not felt much like blogging or really doing much of anything.  This "stay at home" stuff has really done a number on my emotions and I know that I have been seriously depressed.  We have been in a "quarantine" situation since mid March.  At first, I completely understood and was willing to go along with this.  But then suddenly we were locked in place until April 30.  That was a hard pill to swallow.  The time had just been dragging by.  And then we learned that we were "sheltered in place" until at least May 30.  Both Ken and I lost it at this point.  We had not seen our kids for months.  We had not celebrated Easter with them.  And we had pretty much been in the house since January with Ken's illness.  We were simply done.  Our calls and Zoom meetings did not help at all.  In fact, it made me want to see and hug my dear ones even more.  To make things even harder during this time, Ken was struggling with serious anemia.  The doctors were pretty sure it was due to the effects of the Liver abscess that had caused his crisis in January/February.   After multiple blood transfusions and so many different blood tests, it was decided that he needed an iron infusion.  The hardest part of all of this was not actually SEEING the doctors.  Just talking to them on the phone really doesn't give you much confidence in their treatment plans (or lack of plans).  Everything is pretty much on hold if you don't have COVID-19.  I feel so terrible for other people who happen to have serious illness' during this time.  You can't really feel cared for or even heard, for that matter.  Thankfully, the iron infusion worked for Ken and his last blood test this week, his numbers were back to much closer to normal.  Which was a huge relief.  He has a repeat CAT scan coming up and we have a follow up with the liver specialist next week and we are praying that he will finally be done with this!  

I am thankful that Gwen and Tim and Doug and Susie sensed that we were just about to go over the edge, and they agreed that seeing the kids was just as important as "social distancing" and "staying at home" since our mental health was in jeopardy.  

We brought the kids their Easter Baskets and also got to tour Gwen and Tim's new house.  Yes, during the pandemic they bought a new house!  And they will be fully moving in a couple of weeks.  I told Gwen that after this visit, I felt like the knots that were my stomach had finally unraveled and I felt more normal for the first time in months.  

The next day we brought Grace her Easter Basket and we got to spend time with Doug and Susie and Grace.  Again, I was finally able to breathe out a bit.  I truly worry for so many people who have been isolated for these months and can't express just how this has effected them.  If we had waited much longer to see the kids, I feel like I might have just fallen into that very deep pit of despair that I might not have been able to climb out of.  

We finally got some nicer weather although last Sunday on Mother's day, May 9th, it snowed.  Yes real snow.  It just goes along with the all the other craziness about 2020.  Anyway, it was nice for a few days and Ken and I managed to clean up our yard and set up our outdoor screen house.  

We are grateful for a space to sit and enjoy the large park behind our house, without the worry of flies and bees and wasps.   We have some squirrels and chipmunks that live under our neighbors deck that provide hours of watching pleasure.  This year we also have a pair of bunnies that really like the space under our pine tree.  We often see them nibbling on the grass and watching us very carefully. 

This week we heard that our "shelter in place" will most likely be extended AGAIN until June 30.   We have been doing the very limited trips to the store, using grocery pick up, ordering food delivered, but we are just so ready to be able to go into a store and shop.  To go out for breakfast and sit and enjoy a great meal, served to us.  I need a haircut, badly!  I have taken the scissors to my hair several times, but it looks terrible.  To go to my small group meeting and actually SEE my dear friends. I miss gathering with my church and singing together.  Really, enough is enough.

 Nothing seems normal, nothing seem right.   

As I have been crying out to the Lord, seeking to be in His grace and peace during this time, it feels like there is so much shaking that all you can do is hold on for dear life.  It does not feel peaceful at all.  I have so appreciated Gwen's determination to hold our Bible Study on Zoom.  It has helped me to stay focused when everything around seems fuzzy.  This week I noticed a really amazing bright orange bird in our back yard.  I didn't manage to get a picture of him before he flew away.  I did a bit of research and discovered that it was most likely an Oriole of some kind.  I don't recall ever seeing a bird like this at our house in the 40 plus years we have lived here.  Over the next several days, I saw similar birds actually sitting on our Hummingbird feeders.  

And I witnessed them actually drinking out of them.  I finally captured this photo.  And I found out, that yes, Orioles actually DO drink the hummingbird syrup and there is actually a special feeder for them.  Sometime next week, an oriole feeder will be joining our hummingbird feeders!  The interesting thing about this was the word I heard from the Lord about this.  It was very clear that just as "unusual" as that oriole on that hummingbird feeder, so our "new normal" would be in the months ahead.  We might feel "out of place" and just like that big bird on that small perch, we might be shaky and uncertain.  But Jesus has been in all of this time of confusion and isolation and depression.  Jesus has been setting things in motion, bring things to light and clearing the way for everything that is ahead.  That big bird managed to get a drink out of that very small area. It was better than no food at all. Soon a more stable, better solution for him would be there.   And during this time, I have managed to get just enough contact with my "people" to keep me going.  Soon, very soon, this time would be over and things would become better.  Soon.

So for now, I am moving forward, day by day.  Some days better than others.  I am encouraged and hopeful for that SOON.  I will take a nice cup of coffee, out to my protected patio, and watch for more signs that Jesus has everything under control.  

Jesus, thank you for nature and spring that has brought a measure of hope and peace to us all.  Thank you that you are in charge, even when we can't see it in the natural.  Thank you for your presence with us even when we don't feel it.  Thank you for knowing that we would need encouragement and signs to help us stay the course when things were hard and shaky.  Holy Spirit, reach out to those that are isolated and alone.  Give them your peace and assurance of your love.  Amen