Amazing couple of hours - seeing into the past and getting perspective

This little drive holds my family movies that my dad took - starting in 1937.  Sometime towards the end of my moms life, my brother Jerry had converted the movies to  VHS tape and had my mom voice over narration to add as much information as she could.  He gave each of us siblings copies of these tapes.  I haven't had a VHS player in my house for a number of years and the tapes have just been sitting on my shelf.  I finally decided to have the tapes converted into digital format, thinking that maybe someday, someone would have an interest in these.  I picked up this little thumb drive this morning.

I was not prepared for the emotions that flooded over me.  I know that I have seen these before, but I don't think I was as interested in my ancestors as I am now.  I have always realized that I missed out on knowing most of my cousins well since I am the youngest of a large number of first cousins (17 on my dads side and 16 on my moms side) and most were grown and married before I was born. I was much closer in age to my cousins kids than my cousins.   Both my mom and my dad were the youngest sibling, and I am the youngest sibling.  In pretty typical fashion, the majority of the first few years of film were of my sister Karen as a baby and young child.  Yes, the first kids always has way more pictures than any subsequent child.  But in addition to the family movies, my dad filmed many trips he took for work. His travel took him through South Dakota and he has footage of the building of Mount Rushmore.  Here is a still photo he took at the same time.

 Also included is footage from the 1939 Worlds Fair in San Francisco, California.  My parents and their friends made the drive from South Dakota in September of 1939 and it includes a blizzard that they faced driving through the mountains of California on the way home.  The Golden Gate Bridge was only a year old when they drove across it.  They visited a zoo and saw "wild" animals that they had only seen in pictures.  Elephants, Zebras, Giraffes, swans, and many other animals in small cages.  Yet it is easy to forget how very blessed we are to have access to so much.  The cars and trucks and even the roads are so interesting.  My dad made several trips to Yellowstone and there are several photos of Old Faithful from a very close viewing point.  Not anything like today, for sure!  

Seeing these movies of my mom and dad, my sister Karen and so many relatives that are gone certainly made me emotional.  Seeing my dad's mom and dad and all of my aunts and uncles and cousins, really gave me pause.  I am so thankful for Facebook today.  I know that there is so much divide in our country right now and social media is often where that conflict is most evident.  For me - today at least- I am thankful for each of the relatives that I have on my friends list.  Some of these cousins I don't even remember meeting!  Yet today, I saw them as kids, playing on the farm, driving tractors or playing ball.  I saw them running around having a snowball fight one Christmas Day at their grandparents house (I think it might have been 1938 since Karen was a baby).  I saw family events happen before my eyes - my grandparents, Axel and Betty Johnson, celebrate their 50th Wedding Anniversary.  My brother Jerry was the youngest grandchild at that event.  Seeing movies is so much different than just seeing a photo.  I watched my grandma Johnson scoop Karen into her arms and give her a kiss.  Such a grandma thing to do. Seeing my mom's dad and aunt Anna and all my mom's sisters and their families was just as special.  

I was watching those cousins playing, and hearing my mom rattle off their names, I thought of the ones on Facebook.  I shot off a short message to my cousin Jo on messenger, telling her I was thinking of her after watching these old wonders.  She responded to me "I have always wished I could see the movies he (my dad) made when we were kids, even though I seem to remember we always tried to run away when he took them!"  I now know that I need to get these duplicated (at least the family part) and off to the cousins!  These are just too special to not share. 

But as I mulled over the years of  events, the picnics, the parties, the graduations... I realized something.  I am not really a part of these movies.  The first shots of me are at my first Christmas.  And I appear in several Christmas' after that.  But, by the time I was 6, I had been "replaced" by my mom and dads first grandchildren - Karen's kids.  There are movies of Amy learning to walk and Amy and Nancy riding my tricycle and swinging on my swing.  Do I sound a bit bitter here?  I think it just has cemented something that I knew in my mind - but in a visual way.  It was hard having parents who were Grandma Nona and Grandpa Harry for as long as I remember.  

I never could understand why my siblings said I was so spoiled.  My life was different than theirs.  They had a stay-at-home mom who made them hot lunch everyday when they walked home from school.  I was a latch key kid with a working mom from the time I was in 1st grade.  I rode a bus to school.  I was often home alone for hours at a time.  During those years my dad was gone for work for weeks at a time.  And my mom often worked hours of overtime.  Greg and Julie were in Jr. High/High School by the time mom worked.  As a matter of fact, Julie had already started working herself.  I know that this was as hard on my mom as it was on me.  She often talked about how much she regretted having to work for financial reasons.  By the time I was in 8th grade, we moved to the Chicago area.  What that meant for me was distance from all of my relatives - except for a couple of weeks in the summer at the Lake.  Even distance from my siblings.  By the time I was in high school, Karen was in Kansas City, Mo, Jerry was in St. Paul, MN, Julie was in Montana, and Greg was in Thailand in the Air Force.  So I don't feel like my life was "spoiled" - it was just very different than my siblings.  I had a a front row seat to my dad's deteriorating health as he approached retirement.  And I also watched my mom worry and fret about my dad.  Sadly, he only had a few active years in retirement before his health failed.   

Looking back now, I can see just how important my relationship to Jesus was.  One of my earliest memories is a dream I had about Easter.  I can still "see" this dream in my mind - that is how real it was.  Jesus and I were walking in a beautiful garden, down a winding path.  There were flowers and trees and birds everywhere I looked.  Jesus was holding my hand.  He told me that the Easter story was true - that he had died and come back to life.  And he encouraged me to tell everyone that I could that it was true.  He looked at me and said, "I will be with you always.  Don't be afraid".  When I think about this dream, I can still feel his hand holding mine.  When Jesus is with you, no matter how different or hard or scary your life experiences are, you not only survive you thrive.  Because of that dream, I never felt alone or scared. So in spite of a very different childhood than my siblings, I never felt deprived.  My mom and I developed a very close relationship in the years that it was mostly just us, when my dad traveled and my siblings were grown and far away.  Jesus' words to me in that dream have been a guiding force in my life. This blog is, in fact, part of those marching orders from Jesus.  A way to tell others that Jesus is alive, his story is true, he is with us and we don't have to be afraid.  

Seeing into the past through these movies, reflecting on all the emotions that came with that, and capping off the experience with the TRUTH that Jesus has a plan and purpose for each of our lives, brings this blog (and my emotions) full circle.   We are all who we are today, not only because of our own experiences, but also those who came before us..  All of that, shapes how we live today and how we walk into the future.  I am so thankful that my dad purchased that "newest and greatest" invention when he bought that movie camera in 1938. My mom and dad loved their extended family and celebrated life together.   What a treasure it is to actually SEE your heritage on the screen.  Now I understand a bit better why spending time with my family is so important to me.

Jesus, thank you so much for bringing me through this period of reflection.  Holy Spirit, remind everyone reading this, that there is a plan and purpose for their life that doesn't depend on circumstances.  Give us all your eyes to see our past.  Give us courage and boldness to walk into the future, even when things seem so unsettled.  Thank you Jesus for your love and your guidance.  Amen