Thankful for Ken - Part 3

This picture is from Ken's graduation from Elk Grove High School in June of 1971.  While this was certainly an accomplishment for him, hidden behind that smile was a very, very sad guy.  Let me explain with an important story about Ken's high school years.

Ken's family moved  to Elk Grove Village, IL in August of 1967.  Interestingly enough, my own parents moved our family to Elk Grove Village, IL in August of 1967.  Even more interesting is that Ken and I lived only about two blocks apart during our high school years.  Ken actually was in the class of 1971 and I was in the class of 1972.  We had many common friends, but never dated during high school.  We actually didn't begin dating until August of 1972, after reconnecting at a good friends house (thanks Marie Liewehr Berberich). We finally married in May of 1974 and the rest is history.  Back to today's story......

One of the first friends that Ken made in Elk Grove was Arnold Abraham, who Ken always called "Abe".  Abe lived just a few blocks from Ken and they had many interests in common.  Both of them were AV geeks and were in the AV club at school.  Even though we went to the same school, our classes were HUGE, and I never knew Abe.  

I lifted these two pictures out of the 1970 Elk Grove High School year book.  Ken had regret that there were no pictures of him with Abe.  Abe and Ken had many, many adventures during those years.  They would frequently go into Chicago and I can only imagine what these trips included!  Remember this was the 60's and early 70's!  They went to many concerts and movies and parties.  Sadly, Abe is not one of the many high school friends that show up on my Facebook page.  Sometime during the 1970-71 school year, both Ken and Abe got sick.  Ken ended up spending almost two months in the hospital recovering from a really bad case of pneumonia.  Around the same time, Abe was diagnosed with leukemia.  Ken would visit him in the hospital as often as possible.  One thing is for sure, Ken's senior year was not what he expected.

These three painted plastic statues were one of Ken's most prized possessions.  They were given to him by Abe after he painted them while in the hospital.  They represented a special friendship that had been taken away.  Sadly Abe died in late May of 1971, just a few weeks before Ken's graduation.  The process of his death, the wake and the funeral, had an impact on how Ken felt about life, death and funerals the rest of his life.  

In my last blog I mentioned that Ken tried to go into the Navy as soon as he graduated.  Certainly Abe's death was a major part of that decision.  When that didn't work out, he felt very adrift.  He had no interest in going to college, mostly because of his dyslexia. School was very difficult for him.  He took a job working in the camera department of the brand new Marshal Fields store at Woodfield Mall.  He actually worked the day that Woodfield officially opened. I find it interesting that Ken's adult life began with cameras and it ended with cameras being the main thing on his mind.  

I have had some questions about the end of life decisions that Ken made.  My kids will tell you that Ken never went to wakes or funerals if there was any way to avoid it.  I usually ended up representing us at these times.   The first time I realized that Ken struggled with death was at his Grandpa Bakers funeral in 1976.  I knew that we needed to go, but Ken really didn't want to go.   I am very thankful that we did make that trip to Florida and it opened the door for me to really hear Ken's heart about loss and death.  Ken's choices as his health declined, were exactly what I expected.  He hated the hospital and would do anything to stay at home.  He didn't want any wake/funeral.  He wanted to make a difference for others, so he donated his body.  I am so thankful that in spite of his adoption, his early health issues, his struggles in school, and the loss of this close friend, that Ken took a risk on our marriage.  Although he never went to college, he had several fulfilling jobs and ended his work career doing something his loved.  

After our grandson Lucas died, Ken talked often with me about seeing him again in heaven.  That was really the first time that I felt that Ken really believed in eternal life that we have through Jesus.  This year on Lucas' birthday, I left a plaque at his graveside.   

I am thankful for Ken today.  Thankful that I can think about Ken doing what he so loved - taking pictures.  And knowing that those pictures will include Abe and they will also include Lucas.  

Jesus, thank you for the assurance that we have that our physical death is not the end.  Thank you for your promises of heaven and being with you there.  Holy Spirit, help each of us to work through the issues from our past that have followed us into the present.  Keep our hearts open to your healing love.  Thank you Jesus for your plan and destiny for each of us.  Amen

 

Thankful for Ken - Part 2

  So many people commented on my last blog!  I am so thankful for each person that reads these blogs.  As I stated in that post, I am really sharing a few of Ken's stories so that my kids and grands have a bit of a written history of some stories about Ken.  In the last blog I talked about how Ken became part of his adopted family.    Somewhere around 18 months, Ken started to have seizures.  And these were not just seizures.  He would actually stop breathing and would require oxygen and "help" to resume breathing. It wasn't exactly easy for his parents, and I can really relate to just how difficult it is to have a toddler with medical issues! Again, remember that I don't have any actual knowledge of this medical issue.  I am only relating the things I was told.  This first picture is significant because it was the day of his last ever seizure..... and Ken remembered it.  

During those early years, Ken's mom told me that she was afraid to go anywhere with Ken.  They really didn't know what was going on medically and he was taken to Columbus and Cleveland to different doctors and hospitals.  They had oxygen tanks at home and always brought them with when leaving the house.  It was a very stressful time for them, for sure.  After that last seizure he was put on Dilantin, a powerful anti-seizure medication and it eliminated his seizures.  He remained on several medications all through out his childhood.  He made the decision to go off of his medications at the age of 18 and he never had another seizure.

During this period of his childhood, his family lived in several houses in Wadsworth, Ohio.  He had wonderful memories of the various homes.  He remembered that they had birds as pets and they would often be in these windows.  

 In spite of the unknown sickness' Ken had a pretty normal childhood. He did struggle in school and as an adult, realized that he had dyslexia.  He came up with some pretty creative ways to be able to read and understand.  Small town life was good in the 50's and he talked of riding his bike all over Wadsworth.   Wadsworth was home until Ken was in 5th grade when the family moved to Pittsburg.  One of our favorite vacations was a visit back to Wadsworth.  We found all of his childhood homes, the schools and we visited this park.  He remembered spending so much time here! 

One of the hardest things for Ken, when Doug was sick as a baby, was not knowing his own health history.  There was always a niggling feeling that there might be some "inherited" reason for Doug's kidney and immune issues as a baby, toddler, preschooler.  Although Doug did not have a seizure issue, we never really knew if there was some connection to Ken's early health issues.  

Also, revolving around this health issue, was that Ken was rejected by the military!  After high school, Ken tried to enlist in the navy (think July 1971).  Yes, this was during Vietnam when so many were "draft dodging".  Ken felt totally healthy and so wanted to follow his dad's footsteps into the Navy. (His dad served in WWII).  He had numerous tests at that time to try to prove that he had no residual issues from that childhood seizure disorder, but the Navy still refused to let him enlist. That 4F draft card was really awful for Ken.  Getting that rejection was one of the pivotal things that followed Ken into his adulthood.   It was also terribly hard for Ken when we had to make the decision to have one of Doug's kidneys removed.  I remember he lamented for days that having one kidney would always make Doug not eligible for military service.  Truthfully,  this never entered my mind, since Doug being healthy was my end goal.  Ken didn't talk about this at all in the later years.  But I know that he always experienced a bit of regret and longing on Veterans Day and Fourth of July.  

Doing these blogs has reminded me just how important it is to keep your personal stories available for that time when you are no longer able to share them!  I think that heading into 2021 I will be starting a series of my own "growing up" stories!  And this is gentle reminder to all of you, that there is so much that you should be sharing with your family!  If this gets just one person to write down (journal) their own stories so that they are not lost to future generations, then I have accomplished something important through these blogs.   

Jesus, thank you for this opportunity to share a bit of Ken's life.  Holy Spirit, help us all to remember the importance of sharing our own history.  Jesus, I am especially grateful for the Bible - a collection of stories that reveal exactly who you are.  Holy Spirit, keep us mindful for your presence with us as we recall our own history.  Thank you Jesus for loving us!  Amen

Thankful for Ken.... part one

I have been thinking about telling a few of Ken's stories to have them actually archived and available for the kids and grand kids.  I might have shared a few over the years, but I am sure not all have been "in one place".  This has especially been on my mind since November is Adoption month and there have been many stories shared surrounding families impacted by adoption.  This is a bit of Ken's story, starting at the beginning.... and remember that I am writing from bits and pieces of information that I have been told over the years - by Ken himself, by his family, and from documents we have.  He was born on May 14, 1952 but this is the first picture of him.  It is dated June 9, 1952, with the name Jimmy Joe.  This is the photo that was presented to his mom and dad, asking them if they wanted to adopt this baby.  He was called Jimmy Joe after the two doctors who delivered him.  He had spent some time in an incubator (we really don't know much about why, except that he was very small).   His parents were delighted to have him join their family and he actually came home from the hospital at the age of 6 weeks, somewhere at the end of June, 1952.  

 

This is the first family photo we have of Ken with his sister Sue (who was 7 1/2 years old), and his mom and dad on one of the first days he was home.  Ken would have told you that he always knew that he was adopted so he didn't have any time when he was "told" about his past.  Over the years I heard many different stories about exactly how Ken came to be in his family and why he was placed for adoption.  One story was that he had many older siblings but his birth father had died and his mother could not care for him.  It was even suggested that his father might have died in the Korean War.  We were also told that he was in some way "biologically" connected to his adopted family through a distant cousin who might have some connection to this baby.  The facts were always very sketchy.  Ken's mom had a real fear that he might try to find his birth parents and because of this, Ken never wanted to know anything about his ancestry.  After his mom died in 009 and his dad was moving to Florida, we came across his adoption papers for the first time.  We saw that his birth name was "baby boy Ferguson".  This was the first actual clue we had about his heritage.  We knew that in 1952 most babies were placed in homes with similar backgrounds and genetic makeup.  So the idea that he was English and Irish (similar to his adoptive family) made sense.  Finding this name confirmed that possibility. A few years ago, after his dad died, I finally convinced Ken to do an Ancestry DNA test in the hopes of locating some information about his family.  He was mostly English and Scottish with some Irish.  While he matched to a few first and second cousins we really didn't get any further on finding his birth family.  More about my continued search in a future blog!

Ken was always close to his maternal Grandparents, Grandpa Les Baker and Grandma Versal Baker. His earliest memories almost always included them.  Beginning when Ken was a baby, the entire family would travel to Florida to Nokomis and Casey Key.  

This badly damaged photo was taken on May 14, 1954 on Ken's second birthday He is walking on Casey Key.  The second photo was taken in 1955.  

These pictures remind me of just how much Ken loved Casey Key and why he made it his final wish for his ashes to be scattered there.  On every trip we made to Florida, Ken always wanted to at least stop and visit this beach.  And for me, it is special  since it is the first "ocean" (okay it is really the Gulf but to me it was an ocean) that I ever saw.  We went to Florida in 1976 when Grandpa Baker died.  And these two pictures were taken on that same beach.

The next two photos are the last time we were together on Casey Key in January of 2019.  He loved this place so much and I will end with the picture of him doing what he loved most.... taking pictures of the place he loved most.

So many more stories to share.  Not surprising since we spent 48 years together.  But also, so many memories and thoughts that I don't want to lose.  I hope you come along with me over the next few weeks, as I remember more about Ken and what was important to him.  

Jesus, thank you for bringing Ken and I together in your master plan.  Thank you for photos and memories that help us stay connected to our past and also help us to see your hand in our life.  Holy Spirit, help us all to be thankful during this month of Thanksgiving.   Give us reminders of your love, your care and your provision in every season of our lives.  Jesus, keep our eyes on you rather than on our current circumstances.  Shower us with your peace and your love.  Amen

Walking through each day....into a new beginning.

 This past Sunday was really an awful weather day... it was only in the low 30's and there were 45 mile per hour winds.  The real feel temperature was 12 degrees.  COLD!  But it was also Lucas' 6th birthday.  Each year on his day, we gather as a family to remember and celebrate his life.  This year was very different, for many reasons.  I made the wooden heart above to leave at his grave.  Ken so missed Lucas and this year, they are together again.  Very different, yet comforting to know that Lucas and Ken are reunited.  And the weather.....so, so cold.  And then add to that, COVID!  Because of Covid and the ever increasing numbers in our counties, we decided it would be best to just meet at the cemetery, outside, social distanced and wearing masks.  Gwen and Tim decided to stay home for safety sake and will visit the cemetery at some point in the coming weeks.  The kids made a really cute birdfeeder.

It will be added to all of the memories near Lucas.  We took a few pictures, Grace collected some fallen leaves and then we retreated to our warm cars

It was not our usual family time to remember and celebrate the short time we had with Lucas.  But, for our family, nothing in 2020 has been "normal".  Ken's illnesses and death coupled with COVID have really been stressful for all of us.  

The kids have been so much help to me and have spent much of their free time helping me sort and organize.  It is really amazing how much "stuff" one person can have, even in a small house like ours! Doug and Gwen have made countless trips to my house and everyone has left with cars loaded.  There have been trips to Goodwill and other donation places.  Being able to hug those grand kids has really help keep me going each day.

One of the biggest jobs that has happened is that Doug cleared out the garage.  For the first time in over 42 years, I am able to park my car in the garage! This is a much appreciated thing with those awful Chicago winters quickly approaching.    Doug is still in the process of sorting and going through all of Ken's tools and all the miscellaneous "junk" that Ken had stored in the garage.  Thankfully for me, it is all now in Doug's garage and also some in Gwen and Tim's garage too!  And now, my car  is the biggest thing in the garage!

 

Each day for me, continues to be filled with things to take care of.  There is just so much stuff that has to happen when someone dies.  I don't think you ever can be really prepared.  I thought that we had everything mostly handled, but boy was I mistaken.  Wise people have told me that it will truly be months before everything is settled.  One thing is certain, you really find out just how "old" you are when you realize that you have never had a utility bill in your own name.  While this was just the way thing were 40 or so years ago, now smart people realize that both names should be used, or better yet, putting some things in one name and some in the other.  What this meant was that I needed to make a "deposit" to get the electric bill in my name!  Who would have ever thought this would be a problem?  

Honestly, I am kind of glad that I have so many personal things on my plate right now.  It has kept my mind off of the political and social issues that are looming.  I have been doing my best to remember to keep my eyes on the one who is truly in control of all things, Jesus.  I am thankful for all of my praying friends who have helped to keep me grounded during these days.  I recently heard a song called Truth Be Told by Matthew West.   This blog has always been about total truth telling.  As a matter of fact, that was the main direction when I began this blog over 7 years ago.  This is actually the 801st blog post.   When I actually looked at those statistics, I was kind of shocked.  The post about Ken's death was my 800th post.  Biblically, 8 is the number of new beginnings. This could not be more true for me.  Just like in the song, I am trying to remember it is okay to tell someone that I am NOT okay.  To be open and real about the struggle with adjusting to a new way of life alone after being with someone else for 48 years.  And also to know that I am not walking this alone.  

I am very thankful for each one of you who actually read these blogs.  Thankful for the people that I never hear from, but who have benefited in some way from this truth telling.  Yes, I am thankful today for a new beginning.  I don't know what exactly I am starting, but I know that God is not finished with me and there is much more ahead.  And I know that is true for each of you also.  Finish reading this blog by going back and listening to that song.  Take it to heart.  Today is a new day, and tomorrow will surely come.  Walk on....

Thank you Jesus for all that you have been showing me in the last weeks.  Thank you Holy Spirit for your comfort and your peace.  Help us to keep our eyes on the truth that all the things we see on social media or the news media may not be the truth.  Give us courage and boldness to be real in our day to day meetings with others.  Thank you Jesus for family and friends.  Thank you for your assurance that we will be with you eternally!  Amen