This was the first Christmas that Ken and I spent together. It was 1972 and once again, I am so thankful that I have my photo albums right at hand to see these photos. At this point we had been dating since August. This photo was taken at my parent's house and Ken did not have any decorations at the place he was living. He spent most of his time at our house when he wasn't working or sleeping. Yes, I have been thinking about how very different this Christmas will be with Ken missing from all the photos.
A couple of my favorite Christmas pictures are these two - the first Christmas' of each of the kids.
And this is 1982 when Doug was about 9 months old and Gwen was 3 1/2. Basically I always insisted on a photo with Ken and the kids at some point during Christmas. I always took the kids pictures and it was not easy to get Ken to agree to a photo. He was much better at taking the pictures rather than being in the pictures.
And then I was thinking about the pictures from last Christmas. We sure would never have thought that these would be the last Christmas pictures we would have.
Everything about this Christmas seems just a bit off to me. Of course, in addition to missing Ken, there is COVID thrown in the mix. It is certainly not ideal to have a global pandemic, while dealing with the grief of losing your spouse. But I am thankful that Ken has not had to deal with yet another shut down this fall. He had such a hard time in the spring when the stores and the restaurants closed. If there was one thing that Ken enjoyed, it was eating out. He would have liked to eat out every day for breakfast, if I would have allowed it. He had a series of favorite places and favorite foods that he missed when we were not able to eat out. While I miss eating out, it is not quite the same for me.
One of Ken's favorite things about Christmas was going to the Messiah presentations. If we did not go to a performance, he would always listen to one of the many recordings he owned. He would have been very sad that all concerts are canceled this year. He loved all classical music and would often choose that over anything else to listen to. It is certainly an odd "listening library" that he had! Everything from Bach to the Beach Boys and the Beatles. Classic Rock was also a favorite of his.
One of the interesting things about Ken and Christmas is that he really didn't have any big family traditions that had happened every year for him. His mom had many different types of trees and even different decorations most years. So it was kind of hard for him that I wanted pretty much the same kind of Christmas that I had growing up. However, when Ken's mom died and his dad moved to Florida, we found Ken's favorite tree in their attic and it became ours. It was an aluminum tree in the original box from 1962.
My tree this year is just like the last 7 years. There are many of Ken's decorations on the tree. There is the pink bell that we got from Ken's Grandma Baker the first year we were married. There are several musical instruments that had been on the tree when he was young. There are more current favorites of his - Bob and Larry from Veggietales, There is a RonJon ornament and a camera and motorcycle ornament. It is very bittersweet sitting in my living room, looking around at Christmas that seems so normal, when everything is very much NOT normal.
As Christmas gets closer, I am realizing that all the tasks of the last few months have been keeping me from "feeling" the loss. I am incredibly thankful that I have managed to get most of the "business" of losing someone taken care of in these months. But now that I am spending most of my time not doing much at all, the house seems very empty. While I am being careful to spend some part of each day in useful tasks, the days are still very long. And the weeks are longer still. Certainly I will be very glad to move into 2021 with the hope that life will get easier in the months ahead.
I have been listening to Christmas music - of course. It is interesting how the words can hit you so differently depending on your own circumstances. Today I heard a rendition of O Come All Ye Faithful. I'm not sure exactly who was singing this and/or what the actual name of this arrangement was, but it included he line "Sing choirs of angels, sing with exaltation, sing all that are in heaven around God's throne." I searched today and I couldn't find this exact arrangement anywhere, but I know that I heard it! I was instantly thinking about Ken and so many others, who are there today, around the throne. It was just what I needed today to bring a smile to my face. I love that Jesus knows exactly what we need, every minute of every day. For so many people, Christmas is hard. There are so many losses and so many lonely people. So many people are having a really hard time being away from people. People in masks seem "faceless" and it is hard to connect when you can't really "read" what people are thinking. I know that Jesus is nudging me to make sure that when I do go out (safely, wearing a mask and social distanced) that I go a bit slower. And in that slowing down, Jesus is encouraging me to look people in the eyes and to make sure and smile with my eyes. It is possible to connect even from a safe distance. When I am alone (or just feeling lonely), I will hang on to the words I heard today (even if they weren't really there) and remember that great cloud of witnesses who are there before the throne. And I can join them in singing "O Come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord!"
Jesus, thank you for all the great memories I have of Ken. Thank you so much for the gift today of the reminder of the joy before your throne. Holy Spirit, give us grace and courage to keep on each day of this pandemic. Fill us with your hope, Jesus, that we are walking through this and are not in this place forever. Thank you for family and friends who help us remember what is really important. Thank you Jesus. Amen
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