Memories in the mail...

 On Monday I came home to a box on my porch.  This was a surprise since I knew that I had not ordered anything.  And what a surprise it was.  My niece Staci had sent me some precious items that were discovered while clearing my sister Julie's home after her death.  Sometimes when you give a gift you never know the impact that it might have.  This surprise box included a small gift I sent my sister for Christmas in 2007.  

I had no memory of sending Julie this little book.  At our family gathering after Julie's funeral, my niece mentioned remembering a small book that I had gifted to Julie one Christmas. This was a mystery to me because my sister and I did not exchange presents.   It was an important gift for Julie that year, and she was very emotional on receiving it.  Now, several weeks later, Staci discovered this book among Julie's treasures and wanted me to have it.  As soon as I saw the date, I realized why this book might have been so special to Julie.  Our sister Karen had suddenly passed away in April of 2007.  It was a shocking loss for all of us.  So this gift, from one sister to another, was extra special for sure.  Both of us were grieving and this had touched Julie in her grief.  I have no idea why I sent Julie this small book.  This is one of those times that I am so grateful that I followed the prompting of the Spirit to gift this book.  It is an example of getting a glimpse of the power of a small thing.  

The second thing that was contained in my "surprise" box was this family picture tree.  I actually made this for my mom.  The pictures on the first side of the frame were from my parents 25th wedding anniversary.  The pictures on the reverse side were from a family picture that Karen had arranged when we all gathered for my niece's wedding.  My mom loved this unique display and it was always displayed in her living room.  I am very thankful that Julie saved this item when she was helping to clear my mom's apartment when she died.  And now, it is back with me.  And I am grateful.  

This whole grief journey is just that..... a journey.  You just never know when you might have a sudden turn, a stopover or even a long delay.   I was certainly at a different point when my sister Karen died.  I had already lost my dad, and I had never really thought about my grief.  Because my mom was still alive when Karen died, I was very concerned about her and didn't work through my own grief around her death.  When my mom died in 2011, it was the beginning of my grief work.  During that time, I learned that I had buried many of my feelings about losing my dad.  Karen's sudden death had left me considering my own mortality in ways that I had never done.  And I felt the loss of my mom so deeply, even though she had lived a very long life (she was 95, almost 96 when she died).  I was getting older myself.  Losing my grandson Lucas in 2014 was devastating for our entire family. Jump ahead to where I am currently.  In the last 18 months, I have lost my husband (in September, 2020) and then in January, 2022, my last sister died.  And I am even older!  Today I am so much more able to acknowledge those moments of grief and have ways to work through them.  I am thankful to have many caring friends and my family around me. I have lots of people willing to listen and pray with me when I hit those rough spots.  Moreover, I have been able to find joy and peace.  Along with that, I am excited about the future.  Death is surely a part of life and I know I am not alone in dealing with losses.  Coming into the Easter season we can be filled with the assurance of Jesus' defeat of the grave! 

So today I am loving have these precious memories.  Additionally my nieces gifted me a memorial necklace that includes my sisters thumbprint.  I am feeling so blessed and so thankful.  I will be more aware of that prompt to send that card, buy that small gift, make that phone call.  You just never know that lasting impact of a small gesture.  Take my lead and do that small thing.  It just may come back to you as blessing in the future.

Jesus, thank you for your love and care, even when we are in times of grief and loss.  Holy Spirit, keep us aware of those promptings that might seem like such a small thing at the time.  Thank you for bringing memories back to me.  Jesus remind us all that you have defeated death for us.  Help all who grieve find support and guidance from those around them.  Thank you Jesus for your love.  Amen

Time for another birthday celebration... and a song that touches my soul

Ellie shares a birthday with Doug and this year our celebration got delayed a few days.  It didn't really matter that much to 13 year old Ellie that a few days passed between the actual day and our time together.

 Her gifts were a wonderful mix of things that bridged the time between childhood and young adult.  She has been sewing for many years and this year requested fabric, patterns, patches and threads, which I was happy to provide.  She loves American Girl dolls and asked for some special clothes for her dolls including a Girl Scout uniform and a Ballet costume- two things very near and dear to Ellie's heart.  

All of these gifts  represent well the things that Ellie loves.  She has said for years that she will be a fashion designer when she "grows up".  Dressing those American Girl dolls is certainly part of Ellie's expression of interest in fashion and design.  She has been a girl scout for several years and has embraced that yearly cookie sale.  I haven't asked her for a total number sold this year, but at one Saturday sale outside of grocery store, she told me she sold 300 boxes! I brought home way to many boxes myself!  It seems that if I blink, these grandchildren grow up in seconds.  Here is Ellie, a teenager!  I can't wait to watch her grow and change in the years ahead!

Even with the high price of gas, I've been doing a bit of driving lately.  After some of the covid restrictions have been lifted, I've had the urge to get out of the house.  I've also had the chance to connect with some friends that I have really been missing.  During one of those drives, I heard on song on the radio that really touched me.  It is a a song with a simple (and well known) message.  But when I heard it, I heard it with very different meaning.  The song, The Commission by Cain  brought me back to when I was about four years old.  Click the link and listen to the song, then I will tell you the story. 

Right around this time of year, in 1959, I had a dream that has shaped my life.  You know that there is a message in a dream when you just don't let go of it.  I have vivid memories of this dream - even now over 60 years later.  In the dream, I was walking down a path in the most beautiful garden I have ever seen and Jesus was walking with me.  He was holding my hand (a feeling I can not forget) and talking with me.  Jesus told me that the story of Good Friday and Easter was true.  He had died, but he was alive now.  And then he said, "Go and tell everyone what I have told you! Easter is not about candy and the Easter Bunny.  I died for you and I love you and I am with you always."  Needless to say, when I told my mom the dream (I was very excited) - she told me "We don't talk about these things."   So, because I was 4, I followed my mom's direction.  I never told anyone about the dream.  And I never told anyone about Jesus either.  For a very long time.  Like 25 years or so.  When I first heard the song "The Commission", it was as if I was back in that dream.  There is one line in the song that says... "you have a purpose and I have a plan".  That line took my breath away.  The words plan and purpose have been part of my life and have shaped my messages about Jesus.  In so many ways, it feels like this song was speaking directly to me.  What a great reminder for me - for all of us - that we have a message to share with the world.  It doesn't matter if you are 4 or 40 or even  67 or maybe 90 - we can tell the world about Jesus.  I hope that this song speaks to you today.  It has been an encouragement to me that I have a message worth sharing.  And so do you.... 

Jesus, thank you for loving children and trusting your messages to even the littlest ones.  Thank you for churches, for teachers and leaders, for pastors and parents that share the truth of the Bible with the world.  Give us courage and boldness to speak to others.  Give us wisdom and grace to know how and when to share.  Thank you for your plans and purposes for each of us.  Amen

Can't believe that Doug is 40 today....and a special photo

 It is so hard to imagine that Doug is 40.  It is always like this....people say that time has gone by so fast.  But I can assure you, it really feels that way to me.  That last two pictures above are really special for so many reasons.  I had an emergency C Section when Gwen was born in 1979 and that meant general anesthesia on the surgical floor of the hospital.  I did not get to see Gwen until almost 4 hours after she was born.  By 1982, things had changed drastically in the world of having babies.  Just days before Doug was born, the hospital opened a surgical suite on the OB floor and women could have epidurals for a C Section.  And, Dads could be in the delivery room.  This was a brand new practice and I was so thankful that I actually got to be awake and got to see Doug the minute he was born. It was shortly after this picture was taken, that the nurses realized that Doug was having trouble breathing and he was whisked away to the NICU. I was so thankful for these moments to spend with Doug.  It's been a great 40 years. 

Two weeks ago Doug drove me to Minnesota to attend my sister Julie's funeral.  I am so grateful for his willingness to drive, no matter the weather, so that I could support my family.  It was so good to see my brother and sister-in-law, Jerry and Thoralee, even under these bad circumstances.  We were able to visit and catch up on all of our "old people" problems. There was time spent with my sister's children and grandchildren and even great-grandchildren.  My nieces had made poster boards with pictures of Julie and family and I was surprised to find this picture on one of the boards...

This photo is from the Christmas as 1960.  I don't remember many pictures of just "us girls" - my sisters and my mom and I.  You can really appreciate the wide age spacing I had with my sisters, looking at this photo.  My oldest sister Karen was married (and actually pregnant with my niece Amy).  Julie was a teenager and looking very cool, while I was just starting Elementary school.  The most interesting thing about this photo is that I don't really remember ever seeing it!  I happen to have the "matching" photo of all the guys taken at the same time. 

Somehow these photos got separated and Julie got one and I ended up with the other!  I am so thankful to now have the set back together.  It is interesting how important a small black and white photo can be.  I wasn't "missing" this picture because I never knew it existed. But looking at it today, makes me so thankful for my dad's passion for photography to even take these photos.  I am also surprised that both of these pictures survived the cardboard box that all of the pictures were jammed into.  In the last years of my mom's life, Gwen and I went through that box and tried to get mom to tell us who was in the photos.  Many were not able to be identified.  I believe I actually got the "guy picture" from that box.  

Losing a sibling and then having your youngest child turn 40 is for sure a sobering thing.  My sister Karen has been gone since 2007, my dad passed away in 1985 and my mom died in 2011.  Jerry and I were talking about our "advancing years" - Jerry is 79 and Roy (my brother-in-law) is 89!  My brother Greg is 72.  So, yes, I have been lamenting getting old. Grief is such an odd thing.  I am feeling waves of just missing my sister.  We haven't lived close to each other since 1967!  Yet, we did stay in touch. So the desire to pick up the phone and call her, is certainly there.   There is just something about having someone who had the same experiences you did, when you were growing up.  One thing is certain, I am feeling the pull to keep on telling the stories of our ancestors.  I don't want all the  information about our family to be lost when my generation is gone.  I am the youngest of my siblings.  My mom and dad were both the youngest of their siblings.  I am the youngest of all of my cousins - on both sides of my family.  Sadly, I don't have any connection to my 17 first cousins on my mom's side.  I am connected to more of the 15 first cousins on my dad's side, mostly through Facebook.   I certainly don't have ALL of the stories, but I made it a point to listen carefully to my mom when I encouraged her to share.  For sure it seems like I have a new project on my hands.  

Last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday.  As I sat in the darkened church, surrounded by lanterns and candles, it felt like home.  One of my earliest memories was a Lenten service, sitting next to my mom.  I am so grateful for my faith, for the church, for the continuity of the church year.  Mostly, I am thankful that saving faith in Jesus is something that connects me to my ancestors and also to future generations.  This year, I sat by Gwen and Anna during that service.  It is a powerful thing to see your children and grandchildren loving and serving Jesus.  

Birthdays, funerals, photos, aging, grief, ancestors, cousins, and faith in Jesus. Quite a line up in one blog.  Yet this is exactly where I am right now.  A mix of emotions, thoughts, plans, and feelings. Now add to this, the world's issues with the conflict in the Ukraine right now and so many suffering great loss and hardship.   Honesty is one thing I always promised on this blog and there it is. Two on the songs at my sister's funeral have been on my mind today.  Both were used at the funerals of my dad and my mom.  Both are special to me also.  Certainly, both are peace giving and calming.  

How Great Thou Art

O Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder, consider all the works thy hand hath made. I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Refrain - Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee:  How great thou art, how great thou art.  Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee:  How great thou art, how great thou art.

When through the woods and forest glades I wander and hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.  When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur, and hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze.

(Refrain)

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing.   Sent him to die, I scarce can take it in.  That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, He bled and died to take away my sin.

(Refrain)

When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation, and take me home, what joy shall fell my heart.  Then I shall bow in humble adoration, and there proclaim, my God, how great thou art! 

   What A Friend We Have In Jesus

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!  What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!  O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?  We should never be discouraged, take it to the Lord in prayer.  Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?  Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?  Precious Savior still our refuge - take it to the Lord in prayer!  Do your friends despise, forsake you?  Take it to the Lord in prayer!  In his arms he'll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.  

Jesus, thank you for bringing my emotions back to the central place today.  You are the peace, and the answers for us all.  Thank you for children and the blessings you bring to us.  Holy Spirit, remind us that we are all family in the body of Christ.  Give us courage and boldness to continue to walk out the plans and purposes you have for each of us.  Thank you Jesus.  Amen