Today I really felt like I am walking through those rocks. Up and down and unsteady. Some of those stones seem very unstable and it looks like a long, long, walk across those rocks. At times I felt like picking up one of those rocks and throwing it at something or someone! One of the worst things is how I have been beating myself up, because I should NOT be feeling these things - I should be trusting and resting in Jesus. Without Jesus I would most likely be panicked. But I certainly have not been a picture of peacefulness.
I know that part of this rocky-ness is because I am not really sure what I am supposed to be doing in the future. I don't know if I want to work in an office or work with children. I don't know if I should be working full time or try to find my "ideal" work situation of only 4 days a week. Is that asking for something that is totally unreasonable? Should I just find an office position and work a regular 40 hour job and just tough it out for a few more years. Today I am SURE that I don't know the answer to these questions. (Note - see my post on Sunday - I am sure that there is an answer and I just need to listen more carefully).
I am sure that there is a timing aspect to this whole thing. There must be. I was thinking that I had the rest of this year before I would have to face this question. Then I knew that I would need to make a decision before April. And then suddenly, I have to find something right now. This was not my ideal time, but I have the feeling that Jesus knows the timing and it is happening this way for his plan.
I was thinking about how minor this whole situation is in light of so many other people's troubles. There is illness, serious financial trouble (which, thankfully is not our situation), personal conflicts, really the list just goes on and on. And then I was thinking about a "hymn story" that I heard so long ago. "It Is Well With My Soul" Click on this link to read the entire story. I love that old hymn - "When peace like a river...." Yes, he had peace like a river after simply awful tragedy. At the exact spot where his four daughters died, he penned those words. And those words came from the peace that was INSIDE of him. The most incredible part of this story in in the link above. It is a part of the story that I had never heard before. Horatio G. Spafford and his wife Anna ended up with a powerful ministry in Jerusalem. Once again, I am realizing how small my "rocky" situation is.
But, I want to let everyone know that Jesus cares! He doesn't view the things that bother us or cause us unrest as petty or trivial. He cares! There is nothing that is more important to know and hang on to that that fact. He cares about my job. He cares about my emotions. He knows about those rocky feelings in my stomach. Just as he cared about Horatio and Anna Spafford. And just as he cares about you and whatever you are going through today. And the amazing thing is that as I have put these words onto this page, I am really feeling that peace that passes understanding flooding my spirit. So instead of just knowing in my head that Jesus has everything under control, I can say that I KNOW deep in my spirit, that Jesus has my situation all figured out and he desires to bless me.
Jesus, thank you for caring about me. Holy Spirit, thank you for reminding me of that hymn story. Would you tonight, reach out and touch anyone reading this blog who needs to know that Jesus cares for them. Jesus what an amazing transformation you have made in my emotions tonight. Holy Spirit, find those people who are in the midst of terrible situations and bring them that amazing peace. Thank you for holding my hand as I walk through that field of rocks!
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